What May NOT Have Been

I realized today that I have been a student at Silent River during the pandemic longer than I was prior to it.  I attended in person, "normal" classes for about 4 1/2 months before the first shutdown.  It has now been roughly 9 1/2 months of "pandemic" training.  Granted, some of that was able to happen at the Kwoon, but even so, was still very different than the norm.  And although others might have a different perspective, I feel that I've been really fortunate.  The pandemic itself is terrible, obviously....but I am certainly grateful for many things that resulted because of it.

I have had the privilege of being exposed to so much more information than I likely would have been otherwise.  Without the pandemic, the livestream classes and the 1-on-1's wouldn't even exist.  The amount of information I have gathered and accumulated from those two resources has propelled my training forward in an exponential way.  Although there were times I felt overwhelmed with the shear amount of information, once I figured out how to utilize and categorize it, I found myself wanting more.  And there was always more available.  

With every new livestream there were things I'd never done...never heard of.  Lao Gar 2&3, Broadsword and too many combinations, applications and techniques to list.....I have to wonder if I would have been exposed to any of this, at this point in my training, if not for the livestream classes.

With the 1-on-1's, not only have I been able to expand on that extra knowledge and go into further detail, but I've also been able to develop some personal relationships with the Sifus.  That, in itself, has been extraordinary.  Further to that, because of the increased online presence, I've made relationships with other students...many not in my core class.  Again, I'm not sure this would have happened, as quickly, by only attending typical weekly classes.

The opportunity to delve into Tai Chi has also been invaluable.  The benefits that correspond to our main Kung Fu curriculum are infinite.  Would I have tried it had it not been offered as a bonus during the pandemic?  I don't know.  Likely not, simply due to time constraints.  But there's no way I can give it up now.

Again, I don't intend to downplay the hardships many have faced with the pandemic.  But if there were a silver lining within it somewhere, my opportunities with Kung Fu would definitely be it.  If the pandemic hadn't happened, I don't think I would be where I am today with my Kung Fu.

Thankful

I enjoy Christmas.  This year is a little different being that we won’t have any extra family around.  But I’m sort of looking forward to just being with Dan and the kids.  

I’m always a bit more thankful around this time.  Not that I’m not thankful all year, but there’s something about this time of year that allows me to see a little clearer. I know I have been very fortunate.  And I empathize with others who have not been as lucky.  I recognize that one different decision, one different happenstance, one different incident, and my life could be completely altered.  The difference between the life I am leading, and the one being lead by someone less fortunate, could be as simple as taking a left, rather than a right.  I know this, and I am thankful.

*Thought I'd share this years' Christmas card.  Dan and I have been doing "spoofy" cards since 2007 when I realized there was no getting rid of him.  ;)

Idle Hands

I'm seeing many people blogging about how they are looking forward to this holiday break because they'll have alot more opportunity, and time, to train.  I, unfortunately, am the opposite.  These types of breaks are what can often throw me off my game.  I have learned that I thrive in structure.  The more accountability the better.  More often than not, the less "spare" time I have, the more I actually seem to get accomplished.  When you throw a bunch of extra time at me, in an unstructured way, I have no idea what to do.  I end up wasting it.  I even end up neglecting the things I normally do because I initially feel that I have all the time in the world to do it.  But then suddenly I don't.  

I need a purpose.  I need accountability.  Holidays and time off do not provide those.  No work.  No classes.  No Tai Chi.  No Q&As.  No meetings.  No challenges.  No commitments.  No timelines.  No deadlines.  No quotas.  Nobody to check in with.  Nobody to report to.  So it really doesn't matter what I do or don't accomplish.  There are many things I CAN do, but there's nothing I HAVE to do.

I do have a 1-on-1 booked for each week and hopefully that will keep me somewhat grounded and accountable.  And maybe recognizing that this has been an issue in the past will help me avoid getting de-railed.

Needless to say, I am actually really nervous about all this time off.

Kung Fu In Real Life

We all know there are a ton of benefits to Kung Fu. Self defense. Confidence.  Empathy.  Leadership skills. Health.  And many, many more.  

And I’m sure we all wonder if any of this will actually “kick in” during a real life situation. How will we respond when we need to make a quick decision?  Will we react instinctively?   Will we know what to do when a situation presents itself?  

Well.  I had my first real life experience using a physical component of Kung Fu.  Three assailants were chasing me through my house.  One 6’3” burly guy and his 2 ferocious, feral sidekicks.  They were attempting to instigate a tickle fight.  So I ran.  

Eventually I made it to the bathroom, where I was able to shut the door.  All 3 of them pushed against the door several times, to no avail.  It wouldn’t budge.  Not even an inch.  Even I, myself, was confused that I was able to hold them off.  And in all honesty, I wasn’t even exerting myself.  Eventually they gave up and left, in search of a bedtime snack. It was at that moment that I wondered “How I was able to hold the door all alone?”  There were 3 of them...1 of me.  I then realized I was holding the door in a perfect, beautiful bow stance...my back foot connected solidly to the earth. I hadn’t even thought about it.  I just did it.  And it worked.

Now I know this is a humorous story, and I wasn’t in any actual danger...but it still feels kinda cool that I knew what to do in that moment...that my body knew what to do...and I did it without thinking about it.  

Looks like things are starting to stick.  

One Person's Success

Have you ever had someone treat you as though your success is a factor in their failure?  That somehow, your achievements have taken away the possibility of their own?  Or have you felt that way about someone else?

Whether you've been treated that way, or you've treated someone else that way...that outlook is false.  

Don't look at someone who is "ahead" of you as an enemy...as someone to overtake.  Reach out and engage with them.  Ask questions.  Learn from them.

Don't look at someone who is "behind" you as an enemy...as someone to keep at bay.  Don't hold them back because you think it would diminish your success.  Push them forward....ahead even.  Offer them what you can.  

One person doesn't have to fail in order for the other to succeed.  We can all succeed simultaneously.  

In fact, when just one of us succeeds, we all do.

Time For a Revamp - Part 1

I think it's time, once again, to revamp my training regime.  I'm finding that it's important to re-evaluate regularly in order to avoid sitting at a plateau for too long.  Once you get to a point where you seem to just be going through the motions, it's important to shake things up or risk finding yourself spinning your wheels and not going anywhere.  It can be hard to think that as much time as I put into my training, it can still become stale and inefficient.  But today I found myself thinking, "it feels like I'm just maintaining rather than progressing".  And I've come to trust my own judgement.

But please don't get me wrong.  ANY training is better than NO training.  And someday I may find myself in a space where all I can handle is maintenance.  And that's okay.  But today is not that day.  Right now I'm in a really good space, and I want to use this to keep pushing my training forward.  I don't want to waste it on maintenance.

My last revamp was Sept 21, 12 weeks ago.  How do I know that you ask??  Because I was easily able to look back in my blog.  (Yes...shameless plug for the benefits of blogging!!!).  I think 12 weeks is a pretty decent stretch for getting what I can out of this particular training schedule.

This time around, I plan to get some advice from some of the Sifus, specific to me.  So far, I've been pretty pro-active with my own training, including content for 1-on-1's, but I think I'm at a point where I'd like some direct feedback on what my instructors are seeing that I need to work on or the things they think would serve me best at this point in my training.  There's gotta be something I do where they watch and just think "what the heck is she doing?" 😅  I will always make sure to incorporate the keystone principles, but I'm thinking more in terms of mastery.  Meaning I'd like to re-focus the majority of my efforts on some specific areas, rather than the "all encompassing" "even-steven" approach I took this last time.  Not that it wasn't beneficial!  But like I said...it's just time to change things up.

One thing that will be added back on as a goal is the side heel.  I had put this on the backburner a while ago, and it's been nagging at me recently, which tells me it's time to revisit that goal.  And this time around I think I'll find myself a success coach so I can stay motivated and accountable.  I'm sure I'll be fending people off with a stick wanting to volunteer for that job. Not everyone at once now! 😂

Even as I write this I'm generating a bunch of different ideas for my new training regime...yet another benefit of blogging!! 😉

Stay tuned for Part 2...

Quitting

I don't think it's a necessarily a bad thing to quit something.  Sometimes things don't work out.  It's life.  One person can't do everything at once and everyone has different skills and interests.  

But I do think there is a right way and many, many wrong ways to quit.

If you've given it an honest effort...if you've shown up....if you've been engaged....if you've followed through on a plan to meet your goals....if you've reached out for help and advice....

....yet you still can't seem to find any benefit in what you're doing....then I would say it might be the right decision to move on and find something that works better for you.

Quitting in a moment of frustration would be a wrong way to quit.  

Quitting because something is "too hard" would be a wrong way to quit.

Quitting because you think you're the worst would be a wrong way to quit.

Quitting because you think it's taking too long to accomplish your goal would be a wrong way to quit.

Quitting because you got lazy and feel unmotivated would be a wrong way to quit.

Quitting because you don't have time would be a wrong way to quit.

I could go on....

The things above are all controllable and changeable.

Frustrated?....step away...breathe...focus on something different.  Frustration passes.

Too Hard?...break it down...make a plan...and follow through.  If it was easy everyone would do it and then it would no longer be special.

Feeling like you're at the bottom of the pile?...stop comparing yourself to others...focus on your own goals...acknowledge your own strengths.  Focus on getting better...not being the best.

Things aren't moving fast enough?...stop rushing...track your progress and celebrate the improvements you're making on the way.....enjoy the moment and where you are.  You can't live in the future.

Got lazy and lacking motivation?...train anyways!!...get to class!!!...reach out and engage with your fellow students and instructors.  Effort eventually becomes effortless I'm told.  😉

No time?....😒....not even going to comment on this one....

If you like doing something, do it.  If you want to be something, be it.  I know I'm making this sound simple....but it kinda is.  

Feeling Great

My body hurts and I am so tired.  

But I kinda feel amazing.  

My current list of injuries includes my lower back, right shoulder, right knee, left ankle, right bicep, both wrists, left big toe and right thumb.  My body, in general, feels tired and sore.  My brain is exhausted from my responsibilities at work along with just everything in general that is happening in the world.

But I still feel great.  How does that make any sense?

What's also kind of confusing is that I'm not sure that I should feel great.  In fact, I feel somewhat guilty because I know many people are struggling right now.  I mean, of course there are things in my life that aren't awesome...but they just don't seem all that significant.  Or at least they don't seem to be dampening my spirit like they normally might. 

I suppose I'll just go with it and try to spread this positive energy while I've got it!

I Am An Ox

2021 for the I Ho Chuan team will be the Year of the Ox.  I will be on that team.  

I am absolutely thrilled to take part.  I have all my requirements laid out.  I've started researching.  I've reached out to some different resources to reach my goals.  And I feel I'm prepared to make the year a success.

My very first official meeting with the I Ho Chuan team was last night.  As an incoming member, I'm attending these meetings now to "get my feet wet" so to speak.  I didn't have any expectations going in as to what these meetings entailed, but ultimately, it seems to be an opportunity to share with the group whatever might be on our minds, in a safe and accepting atmosphere.  I got to hear about some of the new and exciting things people have going on...along with the regular, but still altogether important, things as well.  I also heard about some really significant hardships that people are currently facing.  There was laughter and tears.  And at the end of it all, I really felt the power that a team can have.  If you're struggling, someone is there to support you.  If you see someone struggling, you offer your support.  You're never really alone on your journey and someone else's success can be just as fulfilling as your own when you're part of a team.  I haven't really known many of the team for long, and all I did last night was listen....but I still walked away feeling like a true member.  I thank-you all for that.  

I look forward to getting to know all of you better and to taking this journey with you.

I am an Ox.

Well...I'm actually a Sheep, which apparently is completely incompatible with an Ox.  But I won't let that get in the way.  ;)

My Kung Fu Advent Calendar

It's funny how a small thought can quickly evolve into something much bigger.

I was putting together a Christmas Advent Calendar today for the kids and thought to myself, 

"What can I put in here for me?"...

...because who doesn't like a fun surprise everyday, right??  I couldn't bring myself to include candy....because I've basically been gorging Halloween candy for the month of November 😬.  So I needed to get more creative.

Of course my thoughts eventually went to kung fu....and how I've really enjoyed these challenges we've been doing....and how I love adding spontaneous things to my regular daily training....

And well, one idea led to another....and I now have a "Kung Fu Advent Calendar" 😂

24 days...24 different challenges...

And call me crazy, but I'm sorta pumped!..........until the "Power of the Instep" day gets pulled....then I may not be that pumped anymore....😆😭

Insight into Injury

This current Side Heel challenge has been much more difficult for me than the Front Thrust.  There is so much more involved and it just literally takes more energy to do 10 side heels versus 10 front thrust kicks.  The Side Heel also causes me pain in my one knee, which I believe is being caused by hyper-extension.  I've gotten some feedback on this and I've been working on some adjustments, but even so, after almost 800 kicks in the last 6 days, plus my regular training, its taken it's toll.  

I'm not sure if my kick has improved that much with this challenge, technically speaking, but I've taken this opportunity as a chance to try and pinpoint when I am experiencing pain, as well as when I'm not. 

Here's what I know.

• I don't seem to cause injury when kicking from horse.  Only from Bow stance.
• If I can really engage my leg muscles (ie. quads), less pain.  *This was some direct feedback I received and it has worked as long as I can engage those muscles.  This has proven more difficult than expected.
• If I pivot my base foot just a bit more than I've become used to, no pain.  This also seems to help me engage my leg muscles (as per my previous point) and seems to keep everything more aligned, right from my head to my heel.  I worry with this because I don't want to start venturing into back kick territory.
• The more power I direct to my heel, the less pain.
• The more I focus on chambering properly, the less pain.
• I have no pain in my left knee.  My left leg is my weaker side so perhaps I'm just not putting as much force into it.
• There is more pain if I get sloppy.  Ie. if I let things slide during the last couple of kicks in a set.
• The less stable I am, the more sloppy the kick.  I really need to improve my balance.
• I would describe it more as tenderness or tension rather than sharp pain.  And it's in the back of my knee, not really the joint.

From what I can tell there are a myriad of factors involved here.  But I have a feeling they are all connected to the same thing (engaging those muscles to avoid hyper-extension) and if I can make these adjustments, I'll be able to alleviate this pain.  The hardest part is consistency and being fully aware with each and every kick.  

The Power of 1000

During my recent testing, Sifu Hayes and I discussed how a kick needs to have a release of energy at completion.   Specifically, we were discussing the front thrust kick.  His feedback was that I wasn’t fully doing that.  He indicated that I was almost there, but needed to hold that last moment of my kick just a millisecond more to make that happen. 

Wouldn’t you know it, the very next day Mr. Bjorkquist posted the “1000 Front Thrust Kick Challenge”. 

This challenge came at just the right time with Sifu Hayes’ feedback fresh in my mind.  With each kick I focused on what he said and I realized exactly what he was talking about.  Allowing my kick to completely "finish", and not pulling back to a crane before that moment, really made a huge difference.  I was no longer just throwing kicks....I was delivering kicks....if that makes any sense.  Everything felt much more in control with the one "small" adjustment.  Everything I was doing seemed to be more complete and everything seemed to be fully engaged.  Prior to this, I now realize that finishing my kick before it was truly finished was impeding my stability, strength and control by just that little bit.  My front thrust is feeling really good after this challenge. 

I think I’m going to try this with the Side Heel.  I had worked on my side heel as a goal for about 4 months.  Not long ago I decided to table it for a bit and come back to it later with a fresh mind, because I felt my progress was starting to stagnate.  I think maybe this type of challenge is the fresh approach I need.  

Side note:  Does anyone else feel like things are posted, comments are made, or lessons include things that seem to be directed specifically at you at exactly the right time?? Lol.  I feel like this happens to me alot.

A Good Example

I had one of the new students in the Adult Level 1 class approach me recently.   The question asked of me was, "Did you find everything really hard when you first started?".  I grinned and laughed and answered, "When I first started?!  I still find everything really hard!" 

I went on to advise this student that yes, everything was hard when I first started.  REALLY HARD.  I told them that when I first started I felt like I was basically flailing all over the place, completely uncoordinated and had no idea at all what I was doing.  But that I took the advice of Sifu Rybak, and just faked it until things started to come together.  I told this student not to worry about it too much and that they were doing great....to just keep at it and that slowly things would start to make more sense and there would be improvement.

I walked away from the encounter hoping that my answer helped a little....and that it maybe boosted their confidence.  Because I certainly remember that same feeling when I started!

It wasn't until today that something dawned on me.  That student approached me because they saw ME as an example!  I'm assuming they must have been watching me, or listening to my questions, at some point in class and their perspective was that whatever we had been working on, I found easy!  Which really isn't the case...I've just gotten better at faking it. 😉  In any event, it seems I'm not the new kid on the block anymore.  Just how I am watching and learning from the students in front of me...and just how they are my examples....I have become that to those following me.  

We are all examples to others, whether we've chosen to be or not.  What a powerful realization that I might be an example to someone else.  I can only hope I'll be a good one.

My Annoyance

For anyone that follows Thich Nhat Hanh, you will know that he practices mindful breathing.  Within this, there is what's called mindfulness of feelings.  This is a way to acknowledge any feelings that are present, both good and bad.  For the bad, it's also a way to heal and accept.  He teaches not to suppress bad feelings or try to remove them, but instead to keep them, acknowledge them and take care of them because they are a part of you.

The other morning I was practicing my mindful breathing.  The kids were playing not far from me and were being somewhat loud and distracting.  I found myself getting more and more annoyed.  That feeling seemed to rise further and further up, and I could sense anger starting to follow it.  Thinking of Thich Nhat Hanh, I managed to re-focus.  And instead of trying to suppress my annoyance, I just let it come.  I accepted it and I found myself thinking "Hello annoyance.  It's okay that you're here.  Because let's face it....they truly are being annoying."  And immediately I found myself smiling and then laughing.  My annoyance dissipated...and the anger never had the chance to amount to anything more.

A feeling might start because of an external source, but it is completely within my own power to determine if, or how much, it grows.

Edit:  I was literally about to publish this when Sifu Brinker posted the announcement for the second shutdown.  This blog entry can apply to how I move forward with this challenge as well.  I am in total control of how I respond to this shutdown and the challenges that come with it.  Do I prefer to be at the Kwoon?  Yes.  Do I halt my progress and wait for it to re-open?  Absolutely not.  There is a tremendous amount of opportunity and growth to be had in any situation.  Often more so in the difficult ones.

Yellow Belt

I was promoted for the very first time.  I now have my Yellow Belt.

In all honesty, I did not realize I was being tested.  Officially that is.  We are always being tested to some capacity, so to me, this was no different.  I thought I just got lucky in getting to train with Sifu Hayes one-on-one for the class!  Haha.  In hind-sight it should have been obvious but I think I was just too focused on the feedback and information I was getting to read into it too much.

But I'm not going to lie, I was super excited when it happened. It was hard to stay humble and gracious when I sorta wanted to fist pump the air.  Lol.  It's always a great feeling to have your hard work recognized, even if it’s not the main motivation. 

My strategy will remain the same as it's always been.  Train to my maximum ability...not necessarily to the colour of my belt.

Side note:  A strange coincidence is that my very first Kung Fu class was November 4, 2019.  I was promoted to Yellow Belt on November 4, 2020.

Ouch

My poor dog got "quilled". 

A year ago, this would have sent me into a panic.  I would have been stressed out....anxious....and generally confused about what to do.  I would have been worried about her well-being, the cost, missing work, still getting the kids where they needed to go, etc, etc.  All of those worries would have been too much to handle all at once and I possibly would have lashed out at those around me because of my discomfort and frustration.  

For some reason I was able to handle the situation calmly and with a clear head.  Was my morning a little crazier than usual?  Of course.  But I seemed to be able to assess the situation, determine the severity and make a plan, while keeping the kids' morning routine basically normal, all without becoming overly distraught or anxious.

I'm fairly certain that Kung Fu, and my meditation practice, are likely the main reasons I was able to stay in the moment and keep a clear head.

Sunday Funday....not

I had a terrible day yesterday.  It didn't start terrible.  But slowly, throughout the morning, I found myself getting increasingly annoyed and angry at the smallest things.  Often there wasn't even a "thing" to be mad at.  I was just mad for no reason at all.  I almost felt as though I was vibrating with anxiety and tension.  I felt resentful at having so many things to do...yet I couldn't motivate myself to do any of them...even the ones I normally enjoy.  I was not myself at all.  The entire day was a write-off.  And I couldn't think of anything that would have made me feel like this....

...until this morning....after I finished my training and was ready to take on the day....it dawned on me....

I don't train on Sundays....which was yesterday.  And if I recall correctly, this isn't the first Sunday that I've felt lost and unmotivated.

Could not training have that big of an impact on me?

Dan had suggested yesterday that I go hammer out a bunch of pushups or throw some kicks at my heavy bag.  I glared at him until he slowly back-stepped out of the room to safety....and I ignored his ridiculous suggestion.....but maybe he was on to something.

An Honest Perspective

I blogged a while ago about keeping perspective with my progress.  I emphasized my discovery of the importance of honestly and accurately comparing one day to the next and celebrating even the small improvements.

I have discovered recently the importance of this in order to also see why I am not improving or what I'm not doing.

About 5 weeks ago I decided to develop a written schedule for my weekly training.  On any given day I have sets and reps of various things from forms to techniques to combinations to strength training.  Prior to having this written version, I just kept this schedule in my head.  I thought I was being fairly diligent....check that...I would have insisted I was being diligent.  To my credit, with some things I was.  Usually because they were always the first things on the list...or maybe because they were the things I liked doing the most.  Either way, these things weren't the ones coming into question because I could recognize the improvement.  But guess what....there were some things on my "mental" schedule that I had convinced myself I was being consistent with....but I really wasn't.  There were some things that I was consistently not getting to, as planned.  Most likely because they were the things that I didn't like as much and were at the end of my "mental" list.  I would tell myself I'd make up for them later in the day....then would forget....and then forget altogether that I had missed them.  But my perspective was that because I intended to do these things every day....that I was doing them every day.  That simply wasn't true.  And without officially tracking this in some way, my perspective was way off.

Once I had a written schedule where I would actually check things off, it was a real wake-up call with how skewed my perspective had become.

A great example is my horse stance.  My "mental" schedule was that I was doing a 1-2 minute hold every other day.  My written schedule clearly indicates that I am only doing this once a week!  So no wonder my stamina with Horse Stance isn't improving.  Even though a few weeks ago, had anyone asked, I would have insisted I was practicing regularly.  Again, because I intended to do this regularly...and because I wasn't actually logging anything to refer back to....my perspective was that I was doing this regularly.  

Keeping an honest perspective also applies to how I am doing something.  Even if I were practicing regularly, if I'm being lazy with my effort or if I'm not using proper form (to the best of my ability at my current level), then I can't really claim diligence with my training, can I?  Consistency with form or technique can easily be seen by taking a video or using an indicator like bean bags, in the case of horse stance.  With some sort of visual indicator, I can see if my practice is mindful and if the quality is there.

If there truly is consistent practice and it's of good quality, there will always be improvement.  Always.  So if there actually has been no improvement (and please remember my original blog about acknowledging even the smallest success!)....the answer isn't likely that I’m some sort of anomaly.  I’m probably not the one and only single person in the entire universe that tries everything with total diligence and consistency, yet still sees no improvement.  The more likely answer is that I’m not being completely honest with myself about the effort and consistency I’ve actually applied.

Moving forward, I've decided to take this a step further and actually start logging numbers and reps.  If I ever question the lack of improvement in something, I want to have a quick, and accurate, reference to see what sort of effort I've been putting in and if an expectation of improvement is even warranted.

To be clear, this isn’t about making myself feel badly about missing things or getting a bit behind.  Stuff happens. Injuries....illness....the unexpected.  But what I do want to avoid is getting frustrated or upset about not seeing improvement where I really shouldn’t expect any. It’s about being honest with myself...and with my instructors for that matter.   They can’t help me either if they don’t know the whole story.  

If I can't keep an honest perspective, I'm missing a huge factor in being able to succeed.

Break-A-Thon 2020

I had a blast at the Break-A-Thon this year.  I participated last year, but I had literally just started Kung Fu and had no idea what I was doing.  And I recall being told NOT to use my full fist.  At the time I thought this was a general rule for everyone.  This year, I realize that, being so green, they just didn't want to see me break my hand.  Lol.  

Last year I also stuck to palm heel and front thrust kicks.  Basically because it was all I knew.

This year I had several more techniques I was able to choose from.  And although I'm not proficient at most of them, I decided to just go for it.  I tend to do better (with pretty much anything) when I'm just having a good time.  Sifu Vantuil was leading my group, and eventually, after exhausting most of my options, I said, "Well ok...I guess I'll try a Spinning Back Kick...but it won't be pretty!".  Her response was, "It doesn't have to be pretty."  And it was one of those things that someone says to you that just sticks.  So no...it probably wasn't pretty....but I still broke that board.  I can always work on "pretty" later.

My list of breaks from this year,

1. Palm heel
2. Thrust punch
3. Hammer fist
4. Elbow
5. Front thrust kick
6. X-step with back kick
7. Side heel kick (broke on second attempt)
8. Roundhouse
9. Spinning back kick (broke on second attempt....first attempt was quite comical....my distance was way off and all I got was air..Lol....I wish I had gotten a video of this one!)
10. *and for the life of me I can't remember one of my breaks.  Although  I suppose there is a chance that I only did 9. 😬 I had to take a "First Aid" break to get a bandaid after scraping my hand on the teeth of the board.  I thought I caught back up with the rotation of the group...but maybe not!!  Ssssssshhhhhhh....don't tell Sifu Rybak.  😉

My Biggest...My Only, Real Fear

Kung Fu has given me strength in many different ways.  Since delving into Buddhism and the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, I think it may be time to start tackling some of the fears that hold me back. 

Since having kids I have developed some very unhealthy, debilitating fear around the topic of death.  I'm not scared of dying.  I'm not scared of the actual moment of death.  I'm not scared of pain.  My main fear of "death" stems from no longer being connected to the people I love in the way we are able to connect as human beings.

I believe the Buddhist ideals of "no birth" and "no death".  I believe that what we see as birth and death are just manifestations from one form to another.  Prior to "birth" we existed...just in a different form.  After "death" we will still exist...just in a different form.  This makes sense to me.  

What I struggle with is the loss of everything that comes with being in this human form.  Talking.  Laughing.  Touching.  Holding.  Those things will no longer be.  And the biggest loss that truly causes me anxiety is the Memory.  Not remembering my kids.  Not remembering my loved ones.  Not remembering all the beautiful experiences I've had in this life.  That's what sends me into a panic....literally.  In the life I am leading right now, I certainly don't have any memories before my birth.  So I have no expectations of taking these memories with me when I leave this life.  And this is what I struggle with.  This is what causes me fear and panic.

Where will my memories go?  I want to keep them always.  And I cannot.  That is my fear.

Take Care of Yourself First

I believe that the needs of the individual are just as important as the needs of those they support and care for...if not MORE so.  Now there may be extreme circumstances on occasion that will require sacrifice.....but generally speaking, if you don't take care of yourself first, you cannot (at least successfully or long term) take care of others.   In fact, I have actually found the opposite to be true.  If I'm not taking care of myself, I have very little to give to others...AND it's of very poor quality.  Alternatively, when I've taken care of myself first, I typically have MUCH more to offer in many aspects of life, even extending beyond my immediate family and friends.

Take care of yourself first and everyone around you will benefit.

Padding

I challenged myself a while ago to do 137 push-ups and 137 sit-ups a day for a week.  This is the daily average an I Ho Chuan team member needs to hit to make the 50,000 yearly goal.  I was curious to see if I could do it and wanted to experience just a small taste of one of the challenges they accept for the year. Since then I decided to continue with daily push-ups and sit-ups and set my daily target at 100 of each.  This has gone really well so far and I'm seeing changes in my muscles for sure.  Both definition and strength.  It's still hard though.  That was 13 weeks ago and I still have to force myself to do them each morning.  Will it get easier?  Will I eventually be able to just pump them out without much thought?  I'm not sure.  I can understand how this might become increasingly difficult throughout the year.  Miss one day due to injury, and now you need to make up 137 of each. Miss a few days and it starts to really snowball.

Probably best to pad the numbers for a rainy day.

Why Am I Doing This?

Why am I doing this?  It's hard to put into words.  Kung Fu, both the physical and spiritual aspects, fit me.  My life.  My ideals.  My values.  My beliefs.  Almost like it has always been a part of me from the beginning, but I didn't know it was there... sitting dormant, waiting to be found.

Is it all easy?  Does it all come natural?  Of course not.  Almost none of it in fact.  The challenge, the struggle, is part of why it's so incredible.  And why the successes are all that more extraordinary.

If I knew today that I would never wear a black belt, would I still be doing this?   If I knew today that I would never wear anything other than my white belt, would I still be doing this?

Absolutely.

If my answer ever changes, and I get lost, I hope my blogs will serve as a beacon to find my way back. 

Now We're Kung-Fu'ing Baby!!

Today I performed an absolutely legit, perfect front thrust kick.  Big deal???  Darn rights it was a big deal!!

Kick after kick after kick...I have never felt this perfect combination of balance, alignment, energy, power and form when doing this kick.  EVER.  I swear I could feel the 6 harmonies in that exact moment.  I had to actually stop, take it in and smile.  It was awesome.

Was it a fluke?  Maybe.  But maybe not.  This is why we train, isn't it?  This is why we do the repetitions.  So that eventually everything we've learned, everything we've practiced finally comes together just right.

And BAM...we're doing Kung Fu.

Frustrated

Feeling increasingly frustrated.

I know what I'm supposed to be doing with my side heel.  I understand the mechanics.  At least I'm pretty confident I do.  But I can't seem to engage everything without losing my balance.  I'm not solid.  I feel disconnected from the ground.  It's embarrassing and I absolutely hate having to do this kick in class in front of everyone.  Nobody else seems to have this issue.  I don't get it.  I work on this every...single...day.   I've hit a wall and don't really know what to do.  It's probably time for another progress video.  Fingers crossed somethings gotten better.

Oops I Did It Again...

Hurt.  Again.  From the same mistake.  😖

I think that my main problem is that as an adult I've lost some of my confidence in my body.  

As a child I was fearless.  I trusted my body.  I trusted my movements.  I would jump...roll...twist...spin...fall....with complete faith that my body knew how to move properly so I could achieve these things without getting hurt.  Why would my own body betray me??  Of course it wouldn't.

As an adult....I now have fear.  I've lost that trust.  Most likely because over the years I've been injured and have experienced the pain, followed by the inconvenience of recovery.  Or because as I get older smaller things seem to trigger these injuries....like how putting on socks might throw out my back.  I now second guess and overthink.  I often become too methodical in what I am trying to achieve.  Yes it's okay if I want to break down the movements and figure it out.  Yes it's important to understand what to do in order to perform any technique safely.

But for f#@$ sakes Malinda...once you've engaged don't try and change course half-way!!!!

I Missed a Class...and I Didn't Like It

I missed my first class yesterday since starting Kung Fu.  I still attended online, so I guess I didn't technically miss it, but it's just not the same.  Having said that I'm still super thankful it was an option!  

Although disappointed, I decided to approach it as an opportunity to observe my fellow classmates, as well as the instructors, from a different perspective.  By looking in, I definitely picked up some things that I'll be working on going forward.  In class, our main focus is on ourselves.  We rarely have the opportunity to watch others.  By watching others, I was able to pick up on some things I'm not doing, as well as some things I am doing, but probably shouldn't be.  I also made some connections with certain techniques that I hadn't realized before.

Something else that I don't often notice at the time, is how many Sifus we have on the mats and how often they are spending personal time with each of us.  It was constant!  Never were they not present and engaged with us.  At any given time someone was getting some specific feedback.  It was really cool to see from a bird's eye view and is just further proof of how unique Silent River Kung Fu is, how deeply they care for their students and how much they want us to succeed.  It makes me want to work even harder when I know I have such an awesome team in my corner.

Being at the Kwoon is a key factor for success...in my opinion.  It pained me not be there, and I definitely felt a disconnect.  If you can physically get there, get there....even if you might not be able to participate fully.  There are a bunch of things at the Kwoon that are a big part of being successful.  The personal attention and feedback...the comradery...the atmosphere....the energy....the symbols of our history and lineage...the essence of those that came before us...just to name a few.  But if you can't physically get there, there is zero reason not to at least observe online.  Still a huge amount of value there if you use the opportunity in a positive way.

Efficiency

I've been feeling like I need to get more organized with my training.  I am consistent with making sure I train every day, but the quality can sometimes be lacking.  Right now I tend to just practice what comes to mind at the time.  There are only a couple things I make sure to do each day but otherwise it's a bit of a "free for all".  Essentially I just do what I feel like doing at the given moment.  This is often based on what we've done in class or what has come up in my 1-on-1's....which is okay in terms of content....but when I train this way, I am fairly certain I waste much of my time deciding what to work on next from moment to moment.  Too much thinking, less actual doing.  Then by the time I know it, my hour is up and it's time to get the kids to school and myself to work.  I'm also quite certain that I am missing some very key aspects that I simply don't think about on the spot.  If I can make my training time more efficient, I think I would see better results.

I decided to make myself a weekly schedule in an effort to have a more well-rounded training regime.  I'm trying not to "over shoot" because I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I also want it to be challenging.  I want to feel like I've really worked hard for that hour.  It's also completely up in the air as to whether what I've got planned will fit in my hour....so we'll see!  But this should give me a good basis to start with and I will adjust and update as I go forward.

I'm attaching my schedule here for reference.  Any feedback is much appreciated....especially if there's anything vital that I've overlooked.  I'm always open to suggestions!!

I'm Here Now

I am getting very close to have been practicing Kung Fu for a full year.  I started November 4 of 2019.  Just after my 40th birthday.

It feels like I've been doing this much longer.  In a good way!  I feel like I was missing a really important part of myself....and I've finally found it.

But I also often feel this immense pressure to make up for lost time.  I sometimes feel regret that I've only just begun this journey and am sad that I didn't start long ago.  I don't like regret.  It's a pointless feeling to have and serves no purpose but to distract and make you question yourself....at least in this particular case.  I need to remind myself that I can't change the past.  In fact...if I dig deeply enough.....I might see that if I hadn't made the choices and taken the path that I did...I may not have found Kung Fu until even later.....or perhaps not at all.  

So I suppose I should just let go of any regret and be thankful I'm here now.

Hugging Meditation

I have started reading and listening to the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh.  I feel like this is going to be a very integral part of my Kung Fu journey.  So many things have resonated with me already.  One thing he talks about is “hugging meditation” and this particular topic brought me to tears.

I don’t see my mom often. She is very important to me, but we live far apart.  I miss her presence very much.  Twice, maybe 3 times a year we see her.   She is the one that taught me to “talk to the universe”.  She has always been so gentle and patient, kind and accepting. When we visit, she insists on a hug upon arrival. Then before bed. Then in the morning. Then before bed. And so on.  I will tease her about it.  Pretend to pull away. Joke.....When what she needs is for me to just hug her.  To feel that connection with her daughter.  And really, I need that too.  There is nothing like the bond between parent and child.  As I face new challenges with my own kids, I realize how hard it must have been for her and the suffering she must have experienced.  I never appreciated my mom as much as when I became one myself.  I couldn’t imagine being so far away and feeling like I wasn't a real part of their lives.  If it were me, the only thing I would want to do when with them would be to hold them...to connect...every chance I got.  Nobody knows how many chances we will each have in a lifetime.  Practicing hugging meditation is a means to connect with someone in a very real way.  Or perhaps it's more accurate to say it's a means to acknowledge and feel the connection that is always there...but it gets pushed aside during life's many distractions.  We are always connected...we just rarely take the time to enjoy it.

The next time I hug my mom, I will be present for it.

That Doesn't Sound Like You

My family and I were driving home from camping a few weekends ago.  It was a Monday.  I had planned it so I would be home with plenty of time to get to Tai Chi and then class after that.  But I was tired...and feeling lazy after a few days without training.  And I said "I think I'll just join my classes online tonight."  Dan turned to me and said "That doesn't sound like you."  And that was it.  Just those few words.  But I replied instantly with "You're right.  It doesn't.  Nevermind."  And I went to both classes as planned.

This wasn't the first time, and likely won't be the last, that he's said those same words....

"That doesn't sound like you."  

So simple, yet they always have a huge effect every time I hear them.  I will even say them to myself, which sounds silly....but it works whenever I find myself looking for an excuse to not do something.  Just a few words that keep me from falling off track and losing myself.  My own little mantra.  Lol.

My Own Way

At my last one-on-one I asked for some feedback on my Lao Gar form.  One of the areas we discussed was the Tiger Claw sequence in part 3. 

Over the past couple of days I've practiced this sequence, trying to "figure it out".  Eventually I noticed a difference from one attempt to the next.  Every once in a while, it would just feel more powerful.  Once this happened a few times (by chance) I was able to re-create it more and more at will and I could really feel the difference in energy and power.  I would almost describe it as having a vibrating sensation.  It was as if this energy was ramping up, getting ready to be used.  In these moments I became very aware of my own body and self.  I also recognized that my movements weren't 100% exactly how they had been demo'd for me....but it felt "right" for me.  The energy and power that came with it was proof enough of that.  I think I understand, somewhat better at least, why we often get the answer "it depends on the person" when we ask questions.  I always assumed this answer was just about our external physical capabilities (ie. current injuries, flexibility, muscle power, etc).  But now I realize there's an internal component here as well.  We are shown examples or versions of the basic mechanics to get us going....to get us started.  But you can't really be shown how to use and tap into your internal abilities.

It's up to us to listen more closely and carefully to our own bodies and energy...to pay better attention.  By doing so, we will eventually make that perfect connection between external and internal and, ultimately, discover our own way.

**EDITED

I had included a quote at the end of this blog entry.

"Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own." - Bruce Lee

After some discussion with Sifu Brinker, I have learned that this quote is often taken out of context.  Although I'm sure it wasn't Bruce Lee's intent, it has become somewhat of a "guideline" for martial artists to disregard and ignore teachings simply because they do not like them, understand them or find them too hard to implement.  This was not my purpose when using this quote, but I can understand it's negative connotation.  Words are powerful.  And they can be interpreted in different ways.

*Side note...I have also discovered there are a couple different versions of this quote.  I'm not sure which would be the original.

My Initial Discoveries With Breathing - From July 21, 2020

The following is some correspondence I had with Sifu Cosgrove regarding some of my initial discoveries with the breathing exercises I have been doing under her guidance. I wanted to both record this and share it with anyone interested, so decided to include it as a blog entry.

My Initial Discoveries:

"Hello Sifu! So this is what I have learned thus far with my breathing. And just so we're on the same page, this is when I'm doing the 3 minute (quiet and still) breathing exercise. So in the past I've focused on breathing through my nose. When doing that, you can literally feel the air going in and it tended to only fill my chest. If you recall I was initially struggling to breathe in for the 5 seconds!! I happened upon this "different" breath intake and it's been a game changer. And I can now reproduce it at will. Initially it was hit or miss. As I said, it doesn't truly feel as though I'm breathing in through my nose. I know I am because my mouth is closed, but I can't really feel the air in my nasal passage as when you typically breathe in through the nose. When I pay close attention, it actually feels as though I'm breathing in directly through my chest. Right in the middle. It feels as though the air fills my belly first and then continues to fill from the bottom up all the way to the top of my chest. I can also easily breathe in for about 7-8 seconds. When breathing out it seems as though its the opposite, where I release the air from my chest to my belly. Another thing I've noticed is that even once all the air has been released, I don't feel any sort of immediate pressure to inhale again. It almost feels as though I could stay in that state for a long time. I have not tested that and obviously I'd need to inhale eventually...lol. It's almost like the inhale and the exhale are flowing together so perfectly that it's all one and the same. Does that make any sense?"

Sifu Cosgrove's response:

"I believe you described through direct experience the anatomy of breathing. Look it up...you described how the muscles work in respiration! And...YOU experienced this. One cool thing about not feeling pressure to breathe in again, is that you are now breathing deeper, therefore using your respiratory system more fully...which will gift you the longevity in your martial arts practice.
And...
Feeling as if your chest is breathing rather than your nose could be an indication that there has been some stagnation or congestion release, creating a greater path for the respiration, and giving your lungs and heart optimal power. Now...this breath depth would be something to apply to Awakening the Dragon."

I didn't quite realize how important breathing was until I made these discoveries. Prior to that breathing was just breathing. My body knows how and just does it....right? Wrong. There are some really cool things about breathe and how it works and what it can really provide. I'm excited to keep learning about this.

Back To “Normal”

School starts next week.  The plan is that I will also return to work at the office at this same time.  I’m getting a bit panicked about how I am going to be able to keep doing the things I’ve been doing once this happens.

I’ve been lucky to have been able to work from home during the pandemic.  My days have started at 7:00 am with Kung Fu, then at my desk working by 8:30.  The kids don’t need to go anywhere so they’ve had many “PJ” days.  As have I!  I’ve also had the luxury of being able to book 1-on-1’s at my leisure since I can simply get up from my desk and walk downstairs to meet with one of the Sifus for 10 minutes.

Things will be much different moving forward. In order to get the kids fed, ready and on the bus, get myself ready and incorporate my typical Kung Fu training regime, I will have to be up by 4:30 am. This is being very conservative with the time I will need.  I don’t know how I’m going to do that.  And I know me.  I know what works and what doesn’t.  I need to do my training in the morning.  It’s just how I’m wired.  Whenever I tell myself I’ll do it later, it just doesn’t happen.  Can I maintain a 4:30 am wake up call??  I don't know.  And on top of that challenge, my options for 1-on-1's will be very limited moving forward.

At this point I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do and how this is all going to pan out.  I really don’t want things to fall off the rails but, so far, I can't seem to formulate a feasible plan.

2 Steps Back

Yes...I'm going to talk about my journey with the side heel kick again.  I apologize to anyone that's getting tired of hearing about it.  I am starting to realize this goal is going to be more long-term than not so I'm sure this won't be the last of it.  Lol.

I decided that I had taken my progress as far as I could on my own (for now) and it was time to re-evaluate and get some direct feedback from a Sifu.  (Side note to everyone......use your 1-on-1's!!!!  I will often get just as much from a 10 minute 1-on-1 as I do from a full class because it's specific just to me.)  My Sifu pointed out some specific things with my mechanics and gave me some great feedback so I can take this kick to the next level.  Turns out I've been "cheating" somewhat and haven't really been driving the kick from my hip like I should be.  So I need to take a few steps back again in order to make this correction. 

But I have to admit....I started to feel a bit frustrated this morning in my training.  I felt as though I was starting all over once again.   No balance....flailing...stumbling....*sigh*.  I touched on this issue in a previous blog where I talked about how hard it can be to see and acknowledge our own progress when we are constantly fixing things.  I felt myself feeling a bit discouraged once again.

HOWEVER....I quickly checked myself.  I know I've been working hard.  I know I've made progress.  So I told myself I needed to think about this in a more positive way.  

Firstly, I thought that perhaps I should be encouraged when a Sifu points out more things for me to work on.  If they didn't think I was ready to advance, they'd likely just let me continue on at my current level.

Secondly, how can I be "taking steps back" when I had reached out for feedback specifically to "move forward"? 

It then clicked that this is exactly what Sifu Brinker was getting at regarding the Black Belt Success Cycle. 

1. Set a goal
2. Have a plan (and a success coach)
3. Take consistent action
4. Review your progress
5. Review your goal

Having to take some steps back is just part of the process.  Meaning sometimes taking 2 steps back is actually moving forward.

Just Jump Already

There are big fears and little fears.  Big fears can be debilitating.  Little fears are mostly annoying, but can often pile up and really cause trouble.

I have had a plyometrics box for about 2 years now.  Actually, I'm lying....we're coming up on 3 this Christmas.  😬

The main reason I got it was because I wanted to start doing box jump exercises.  Don't ask me why I decided this was something I needed to do.  I wanted to jump high I guess.  But almost 3 years later, I have yet to even attempt ONE jump.  Every time I stand in front of that box, I just can't bring myself to jump.  The low side is only 16” yet seems like 4 feet.  I envision catching my toes and falling really hard......or having the box fly out from under me.  I have literally never attempted to do it.  Not once.  It now sits in the corner and acts as a table for my water bottle.  It's silly...I know.  Almost 3 years I've been trying to work up the courage....it's becoming somewhat comical.....and more than a little bit embarrassing.

I really need to do this.  I don't want little things like this holding me back.  If I can't even get over the little fears, how do I expect to ever conquer the big ones?

Energy

I've been making some discoveries about energy.  I'll call it energy, although it could be something completely different as it's somewhat new to me.  

Recent discussion regarding the explosive energy you leave behind after a strike (Fajin) was what actually inspired me to take notice and pay attention.  Specifically we talked about the energy left behind after a front thrust kick....as well as the example Sifu Brinker gave of Master McNeill forcing him back after pulling his fist away from his chest.  It was the energy left behind that actually caused the force rather than a physical blow.

I've really been trying to open my mind to the idea of energy being all around us.  Let me rephrase...there is obviously energy all around us....and within us.  What I'm opening my mind to is that this energy can actually be manipulated.  

I've never shared this story, but it has reminded me of something I used to do with my kids when they were little.  If they were sick, and couldn't be comforted, I would hold my hand hovering over where I believed the discomfort was located.  I would then envision that I was actually pulling the "bad energy" (aches, pains, sickness, etc) out of them and into my hand.  Call me crazy, but my hand would start to feel hot and tingly and I'd have to give it a good shake afterwards.  Even crazier, I honestly felt it worked because they typically calmed down and were able to rest.  I believe this might be similar to the concept of Reiki....although I did not know this at the time.  It always sort of reminded me of John Coffey from "The Green Mile" if anyone is familiar with that story.  

I've encountered this same type of thing in my training as well.  While working on my breathing exercises, when everything seems to be just right, I've felt as though I can actually breathe in good energy and breathe out the bad.  If I'm doing "Awakening the Dragon" it can even feel as though I'm moving this energy around with my hands as well.  Tai Chi has also been an instance where I've felt this, especially with the hand movements...most specifically with Grinding Corn.  It feels like I can actually move and shift the air around and that it's much thicker than just air.  This is probably why I tend to think it's something more.  Catching and throwing the "ball" in Lao Gar 3 is another instance where I've experienced this feeling.

Something else I've noticed is that this energy has different effects depending on the situation...or maybe it's more about how its being used.  With my kids it brought comfort.  With breathing it brings revitalization.  In Tai Chi it tends to be calming.  And in Lao Gar it feels powerful.

Perhaps it's not what I think it is...or perhaps its my imagination.  But maybe I've stumbled upon something more.  Either way, I will continue to keep my mind open to the possibility.

Fight or Flight...Is There Another Option?

I'm not sure how Kung Fu related this is.  But, in the moment, I did find myself thinking about how I should react in a way befitting a student of SRKF so I think it might be valid when dealing with de-escalating situations, reading people, egos, confidence, etc.

I had an argument with a friend recently.

The basis of the argument was that I advocated for my children over a safety concern regarding busing.  Me advocating for my children would possibly mean changes for hers.  I acknowledged that from the start and knew it would be a point of contention.  But I decided to reach out to her to let her know that I was looking into a change because of my concerns.  I didn't want her to be blindsided later and feel as if I tried to sneak behind her back.

Her reaction was extreme, to say the least.  She was not open to a discussion.

I recognized immediately that no good would come from arguing with her.  Long story short, I was able to dissolve the situation by letting her know that my intention was not to start a feud, and that my goal would be to sort this out without her being affected.

We chatted a bit more about "happier" topics....said our sorrys for the argument as a whole, and carried on.

The very next day I no longer felt good about how it ended.  I would describe the feeling as regret.  Although I did not concede my overall opinion on the matter....I felt regret about not defending my stance more.  She came at me with points which I could have disputed or proven false.  But as I said, at the time, I did not think arguing would help anything.  So instead of defending myself more, I found myself taking a very soft approach.  Listening more than talking.  I chose not to point my finger back in an attempt to "prove her wrong".  Initially I felt good about this approach.  But now I feel like I just rolled over and let her have her way...or at least I think that's how SHE saw the outcome.

I don't know why this bothers me so much.  Why do I care if she thinks she "won"?  Or is this more about me feeling like I "lost"?  Is this my ego needing checking?  Is this a confidence issue?  I haven't quite figured it out yet.  But I do know I'd like to know how to handle these types of interactions better so I don't come out the other end feeling beaten down.

Go For It

I typically need to break things down before I can really understand something.  It allows me to see, step by step, what is needed for the whole.  When I break something down into its components, I can also often pinpoint what areas need the most work.  Typically this works really well for me.

But on occasion, I find myself unable to put everything back together.  I'm so obsessed with doing each little step just right that I end up psyching myself out.  So much so that I'll "stall out" right in the middle...almost like I'm SO scared of doing it wrong I just stop.  That's when I know it's time to let go of the specifics and stop analyzing every move.

Don't be scared to fail...don't be scared to look stupid....don't be scared to fall on your butt...just go for it.  Worry about the fine-tuning later.

Can You Spot The Difference?

Progress can sometimes be difficult to see in ourselves.  

Because we are always striving for mastery as the ultimate end goal, we can often overlook the small achievements we are making along the way because they seem insignificant.

When I first started Kung Fu I was quickly introduced to the front thrust kick.  I was off balance, unstable, not very strong, etc, etc.  I wasn't bringing my knee very high, kicking up instead of out, my foot form wasn't correct, and so on.  Essentially, everything needed improvement.  At the beginning, I mostly focused on maintaining my stability.  I kept my knee and kick low enough so that they didn't impede this focus.  Once my balance improved, I naturally aimed at bringing my knee higher into the crane, which meant I became off balance again for a while until I adjusted to that new height.  Once I adjusted, I again made further improvements, throwing other things out of whack that I thought I had fixed....and it became a constant cycle.  Because I was constantly fixing, adjusting, re-adjusting....in my mind, it seemed that I wasn't improving.

In relation to all of this, I reached out to Sifu Cosgrove to help me with my flexibility.  Prior to developing a routine for me, she asked that I take a short video of several techniques so she could evaluate my current level.  These included crane stance, side heel, front thrust, some flexibility stretches, etc.  Four months later, she asked that I make a follow-up video to see my progress.  After watching this second video I found myself very disappointed.  It didn't seem as though I made any progress at all.  I didn't see any decent kicks, and so ultimately I was very disappointed, especially since I had been very diligent with my training.  After some thought (aka...a small pity party), I decided to look back at the original video, from 4 months previous, and compare it more closely to the second.  I was surprised to see there were actually many big differences.  When holding a crane stance, my knee was MUCH higher than the first time.  This improvement also transferred to my front thrust kick.  Overall I appeared much more stable and in control.  I was starting to come back into a proper bow stance more consistently.  My flexibility in the stretches had also improved.  I quickly realized that only looking at the current video served no purpose if not compared in context with the last.  Evaluating your ability today, isn't quite accurate without referencing where you were yesterday.

It has been another month since that last video.  And coincidentally, I have been working on my side heel during this time.  Due to Sifu Cosgrove's video, I have an excellent point of reference.  So I decided to take yet another video to see if I've made any progress specifically with this kick.  I've included two "still" frames below.  These are both at the peak of my kick.  When I was throwing these kicks today, I still recognized many things that need plenty of work, and I didn't feel (in the moment) as though I had accomplished anything great and wonderful......but once I compared the two, I was thrilled with how my hard work has paid off thus far.  Going forward, I have decided to make regular videos so I can truly track my progress accurately and use all success, big or small, as motivation.

 

   July 8, 2020             Aug 4, 2020

I guess my main point is that because we are constantly striving to be better and continuously challenging our current skill level, it may not feel as though we've made much progress.  In order to recognize your accomplishments, you need to remember where you started and ensure you are being fair in your self assessments.  Don't overlook the small victories along the way....they are vital to reaching your end goal.

Falling Behind

Every so often I start to feel overwhelmed with the shear amount of information coming at me.  Just when I think I've started to figure things out and get a handle on my training, we are introduced to new techniques, forms, applications, ideas, etc.  I feel that if it's being discussed in class, then it's something I should be working on. But I just can't fit it all in.  I'll be focused on and dedicated to practicing a few specific things that I have deemed important....and then suddenly realize that I haven't thrown a roundhouse or picked up my stick in 3 weeks.

For me, this is the biggest challenge that I have found so far with managing my own training.  It's difficult to sort out what's important now and what can wait.  And I'm constantly second guessing my choices.  I often wonder what everyone else is working on and what their training regime looks like.  Am I doing enough?  Am I working on the right things?  Or am I falling behind?

My "Bad" Side

I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with my "bad" side.  Not only is it much weaker in strength...but it's also very awkward and uncoordinated.  I have to really concentrate on both my positioning and directional movement because what I want to do on that side, just isn't right.  I will often perform a technique with my "good" side, paying close attention to even the smallest details and then attempt to mirror that on the "bad" side.  Even then, it still doesn't feel correct.  Besides repetitions, I'm not sure what else I can do.  I feel like I'm leaving that side in the dust and I worry it will end up being a huge weakness in the future if I can't somehow help it catch up.  I realize I'll always have a side that is weak-er than the other.  But I don't want a side that's simply weak.

Tips and Tricks from a White Belt - Side Heel

This particular blog entry is essentially just a list of what I've learned about the Side Heel over the last couple of weeks.  These points are either feedback from a Sifu, inspiration from a fellow student or just from myself during my many trials and errors.  All of these have played a huge part in my attempt at improving this kick at a White Belt level.

1.  Focus on directing my energy to the small part of my heel that I will actually make impact with.  The heel should be the furthest thing out as well as the highest part of the foot.

2.  The pivot and the kick happen simultaneously.

3.  The base foot should pivot at least 90 degrees, if not more.  

4.   Keep the upper body as erect as possible to remain over the base leg.  Only lean as needed for counter balance.

5.  Keep my guards up and on the same side as my kick.

6.  "Blade walk" around the house.  It really does reinforce the feeling to become more natural.

7.  Start by kicking low.  Increase the height incrementally as stability and technique improve.

8.  Incorporate both static and dynamic stretching/flexibility exercises. 

9.   Daily repetition. 

10.  Remain clear about my intent. 

I’ve started to see some improvement, but by no means do I have it all figured out.  And I definitely don't think that what I have learned so far will be the magical solution for everybody else.  But I do know it always helps me to break things down before I put them back together. And if this list helps anyone else even just a little....even better.  🙂

It Will Happen When It Happens

Wuxin and Wu Wei.  Beautiful ideals and so very appealing.

In trying to wrap my head around these ideals, I made a connection.  I realized I have actually experienced these in the past.  I'm sure many of us have, without even realizing it had a name.  

I used to play baseball.  And I recall having games where everything just went my way.  Flawless plays without a thought.  Perfect at bats where the ball seemed to come in slow motion and everything just connected perfectly.  I was so at ease and confident.  I knew where to go and what to do without having to think about it.....I could read the play before it happened.....I was "in the zone".

I would then, at times, find myself chasing this feeling.  But the more I chased it, the less it happened.  The more I obsessed, the worse the outcome.

I suppose this would make sense now that I know the definitions of Wuxin and Wu Wei.  The more you're thinking about it...the fuller your mind gets....and suddenly your mindset becomes the complete opposite of the "no mind" you were initially trying to achieve.  The more you force it....the less "effortless" it becomes.  

These are all "big thinking" concepts and they sort of make my mind spin.  It's important to know what they are and what they mean.  And it's important to know they are real and attainable and to recognize when they happen.  But I need to accept that they are not things that can be forced.  Whatever I am working on, whatever I am trying to accomplish, I need to celebrate the moments of success, learn from the moments of failure, and then release both from my mind (I don't mean forget...more like acknowledge and carry on) so I can continue towards my goals with clear resolve.

Train hard, focus, listen and trust the process.....Wuxin and Wu Wei will happen.

This Too Shall Pass...

There was a stretch of days recently where I was feeling really "odd" for lack of a better word.  It was like I had somehow become disconnected from everything.  

I seemed to come away from every encounter, conversation, training session, class, whatever...feeling like it didn't go well...like I didn't do well...like I didn't quite get what I needed from it...like everything was just slightly "off".  I felt as though I was asking all the wrong questions...giving all the wrong answers...doing all the wrong things.  I couldn't quite get the techniques correct.  I felt uncoordinated and off balance.  I felt like the techniques I was able to do a month ago, I could no longer achieve.  I felt like I had finally solved something, but the next day it was back...often worse than before.  It's not like there was anything significant happening in my life...nothing that would have brought me down or caused distraction.  No matter what I did, those feelings remained. 

This was what initially triggered me to reach out about journaling.  I was looking for an outlet to deal with how I was feeling without burdening others.  I'm so glad I did because recording my thoughts day to day turned out to be very beneficial.  Not only was I able to reflect on those feelings while they were happening, but if (when) I experience something like this again, I can look back and see that it didn't last long and was not as big a deal as it felt like at the time.  In fact, looking back on my entries, it was only a few days, even though it felt much longer.  By having a journal, I'll have a great reminder to just push through and keep training, even if I don't want to.  Now that I'm on the other side, feeling balanced again, I'm so glad I didn't lose that time.

Einstein Was a Genius

I realized this morning that the very slightest change of focus will drastically change the outcome in any application.   And I know this concept has been repeated over and over in many different ways...but until it actually "clicks" for a particular scenario, you tend to just go through the motions without gaining anything.  I feel like that's very close...too close....to Einstein's definition of insanity.

I've been working on my side heel.  And I've been working on specific things about it, not just hammering out a bunch of incorrectly performed reps.  The reps will improve my strength, stamina, balance, accuracy, etc...but they won't do much for bad technique or form.  It can be frustrating when you feel like you're taking all the right steps, but not getting the desired result.  In last nights class there was a lot of emphasis on foot technique, specifically blade....which is a big part of my goal of mastering the side heel.  I know in my head what I should be doing, and what my foot should look like with proper form...but it still seems to be hit or miss with actually getting the result I want.  I posed a question at the end of class....and within the answer was "you shouldn't be thinking about your toes".  Don't ask me why that part stuck with me, but it led me to asking myself, "Okay, if I shouldn't think about my toes, what should I think about?"  So this morning, I initially tried emphasizing the blade of my foot.  This seemed a bit awkward....almost too general, and did not result in the desired outcome.  Next I tried pivoting my base foot a bit more...not sure why I thought that would fix the form of my other foot but why not right??...it did not do anything for my kicking foot, but I think I did feel more balanced overall...so a side win there!   I then decided I would try focusing on and directing my force to that small upper part of my heel that I actually want to make impact with.  And wouldn't you know it, the result I wanted was bang on!  It felt both right and strong and I was able to repeatedly get the same outcome.  Isn't it funny how when you finally make a discovery, you feel a bit silly because it seems like it should have been obvious from the start?  Oh well, its a journey....I don't want to get there too fast right?  😉

Now I certainly haven't mastered anything here, but I can definitely feel good about making some progress.  I guess my point is that if something isn't working, I can't just keep doing the same thing over and over hoping it will eventually change.  Trying something...anything....even if it seems small or silly can potentially make a huge difference.  Even the failed attempts will move you forward.