Injury Update

A bit of an update on the injuries I'm dealing with at the moment.

I've mostly recovered from my back injury.  I've been spending a lot of time with my chiropractor.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a bridesmaid at this point.  Lol.

There's still some tension remaining when I bend or lift, but she thinks that may be lingering because of my knee.  Her opinion is that the back injury itself had a lot to do with my back compensating far more than I realized over the last few months, and it finally just had enough.  So I'm doing lots of back and core exercises to help it heal and build the strength it needs to handle the extra load while I continue navigating the knee issues.

Now for the knee.

The injury initially happened on March 9.  By the beginning of June, about three months in, I started expressing concern that we'd hit a standstill with recovery.  I was still getting the occasional "slipping" sensation, still had noticeable inflammation that prevented me from fully bending the knee, and continued to have pain along the inside of the joint whenever I did lateral movements (think sitting in a butterfly stretch) or any movement where the muscles and connective tissues had to engage and stabilize the knee (think holding a crane stance).

My chiropractor suggested I see a physiotherapist because she was starting to think there might be something more going on than just a severe sprain.  Long story short, he ran me through several tests, and it was his opinion that I may have torn my ACL and/or have damage to my meniscus.  He referred me to a Sports Medicine Physician, whom I saw on Tuesday.  She repeated many of the same tests but took them quite a bit further.  I definitely did not enjoy some of the manipulations she put my knee through, and several of them were quite painful.  She agrees with the physiotherapist and has ordered an MRI.  One of her biggest concerns is that, with my good knee, although there's a lot of movement available, there's still a definite stopping point to how far she can push it.  My injured knee doesn't have that same firm endpoint, which suggests there's likely damage to one or more of the structures that normally provide stability.

For now, I'm supposed to continue avoiding any pivots, twisting or jumping on that leg and keep my movements as controlled as possible.  She also wants me wearing a knee brace anytime I'm doing anything more physical than simply walking around.

So, if any of you have experience with knee braces, I'd love to hear your recommendations.  Right now I'm wearing a fairly basic slip-on brace with a couple of Velcro straps.  If there are better options that still strike a good balance between support and comfort...comfortable enough that I'll actually wear them...I'd really appreciate your suggestions.

The other thing I need to figure out is how to keep moving forward with some of the requirements for this year.

For example, my five applications.  I had them all worked out, but I haven't been practicing them because I've been waiting to get better so I could perform them as they were originally intended.  In my defense, based on what we knew at the time, we didn't think this was anything overly serious, it just needed time to heal.  With the new information, though, I have to accept that my current physical limitations may be my reality for quite some time.  Rather than continuing to wait, I think the better approach is to analyze each application, identify the sections that carry too much risk, and modify them so I can continue progressing safely.  I may even have to scrap parts of some applications and rebuild them from scratch.

Although I've still been training, still working hard....I feel like I've mostly been holding steady...and not really making progress.  I need to start moving forward again, injury and all.

Hand To Core, Core To Hand

As I was recovering from my back injury, I was doing a lot of visualization work, and I noticed something in Da Mu Hsing 4 that I want to explore further.  For the time being, I simply need to get these thoughts on paper before they're lost.

During the second bell block sequence, we end with the ridge hand, then slide-step into a horse stance with a right palm and a slight push.  Please bear with me....I know that terminology can sometimes create confusion.

As I continued visualizing the movement, I found myself imagining my ridge hand remaining stationary while my body moved around it, almost like Bagua circle walking. I found this really interesting because I'd never thought about this section in that way before.

Once I began thinking of the hand as remaining fixed while the body moved around it, I started wondering what application might fit that idea.  Without getting too complicated, I imagined a ridge hand to the neck where the hand maintains contact as I move around the opponent (sticky hands?), followed by a palm heel, or even just a push, from behind.  This also reminded me a lot of the triangle stepping we do, where we continue moving around our opponent while they remain relatively stationary. I know there are several other places throughout our forms where this same idea seems to appear.

Discussing this further in a one-on-one, I realized I was only scratching the surface.  If I start thinking about expansion and contraction during these types of movements, it becomes even more interesting.

Typically, we expand by launching a strike outward and then contract by drawing everything back into our center.  In these cases, we still expand by extending the strike, but instead of contracting by withdrawing the arm, we contract by bringing the rest of our body toward the point of contact.  Rather than the hand returning to the core, the core returns to the hand.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this (and have since also experimented with it in my training), and I'm not even sure it translates well into writing.  But it feels like a different way of thinking about expansion and contraction and I think there's something much deeper here than I first realized.

Connection, Alignment and the Six Harmonies

Today's Kao Shi class was my first class back on the mats.

I'm so glad to say that it went really well. Better than I had anticipated, in fact.  I still went slow and deliberate with most everything, but I was able to participate in the majority of the lesson.

A couple things in particular stood out for me.

First was when we were working on our thrust punches from horse stance.  The goal was to ensure that our hips and core were engaging with the same release and rotation as the upper body.  For the first round, I held back.  I was worried about my back.  More specifically, I was worried about engaging those muscles too much and setting myself back again.  So instead of letting the movement happen naturally, I consciously resisted it.

What I found interesting was that this was the round where I felt the most strain.  The pressure wasn't coming from the movement itself.  It was coming from my attempt to prevent the movement.  In the following rounds I stopped trying to control everything and simply allowed my body to do what it wanted to do.  The hips rotated.  The core engaged.  And everything worked together.

The second was when we were doing our forms work.  I was being very deliberate about my alignment.  Any reaching or leaning is still painful.  Those are the movements that continue to remind me that my back isn't quite ready yet.  So throughout the class, I paid close attention to settling over my hips and maintaining my structure.  I found that my movements felt really good and I was able to avoid any of the pressure and pain that I've been anticipating.

At first, these felt like two separate lessons.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized they were really the same.

The body functions best when everything is connected and working together. When one part stops participating, another part is forced to compensate. When we become misaligned, sacrificing our structure, other parts have to pick up the slack.  Whenever something becomes disconnected, we run into problems.

Today was the first time in quite a while that I was able to feel that lesson rather than simply understand it intellectually.

And after several months of injuries, modifications, setbacks, and frustrations, it felt really good to leave class not just feeling better, but feeling like I was learning again.

A Message To My Team

A quick message to my team and instructors,

I'm not going to lie—I was relieved when we ran out of time today.

I know I need to share how I'm doing in order to work through it all. I also realize my recent blog was only the first step, not a resolution of any kind. But to be honest, right now I'm not in a place where I think I could speak openly and honestly, face-to-face, and still hold it together.  So I apologize for not speaking up.

That said, I promise I'm not wallowing. At least, I'm aware of how easy it would be to do that, and I'm trying my best not to. Rather, my current situation just feels overwhelming, and not just with Kung Fu. My home life feels paused as well. Everything churning around in my head is making it difficult to formulate the plans I need in order to keep moving forward with confidence.

These are the questions I keep coming back to:

• What can I still do right now, in this very moment?

• Once I am moving again, how should I ease back into training?

• Whether it's my knee or my back, what do I need to avoid, and what should I focus on instead?

• What are the chances I'll be able to participate on July 1, and what might that realistically look like?

• What modifications can I make to my requirements, both personal and pre-set, so I can continue to honour the spirit of them and still get the most out of the experience?

• How will this all affect my grading year specifically?  How should I approach my physical candidate requirements if these injuries continue to linger? Board breaking? Five applications?  And will there be ways to do this as to still qualify for a grading?

• How do I still support the team, and my fellow candidates, in a meaningful way?

• What modifications should I be considering for my staff form, whether temporary or permanent?

• How will I approach instructing, lesson planning, and managing classes?

And then, essentially, repeat most of those same questions in relation to my home and family life.

I fully recognize where I'm at, and I know this feeling will pass. But I also recognize that it won't be the injuries healing that determines when it passes, it's the plan.

I could still be bedridden and get through this slump if I could come up with a plan that made me feel like I was still moving forward. That's what's holding me back right now. I can't seem to come up with an action plan that I feel good about.

But as I was writing this, something shifted slightly.

Listing these things out makes them feel less like one giant tangled problem and more like several smaller problems that can be tackled one at a time.

So here's my first plan:

Today, I'm only going to work on the first question.

What are all the things I can still do right now, in this very moment?

Here's To Hoping

It was about 2 weeks ago in our Saturday meeting that I shared that I was feeling pretty decent. Numbers were on track. I felt I was doing what I needed to (and could) be doing. Less than 2 weeks later and it's a very different story.

Let's start with last week, where I was starting to feel a bit frustrated with the progress of my knee.

At my last appointment, we didn't see much improvement. So I'm going to be heading back to the doctor to see if he'll refer me for an MRI. I still can't bend fully, both due to pain and inflammation. There is still a lot of localized pain when I try to move laterally. I will feel fine in stances one minute, and then suddenly can't the next...for no obvious reason. This in itself makes modifying difficult. I can't really determine what I should or shouldn't be doing. I'll do something that was fine the day before, but this time it goes badly and sets me back again.

I continue to modify. I continue to remove myself from certain activities. This has now been for the majority of the year. I injured myself March 9 and have been modifying since. I've spent more than 13 weeks of my grading year modifying my training, and counting. And it's really starting to weigh on me mentally.

At double brown I'm definitely not looking for reasons not to be doing things. I get that there are things I will likely never be awesome at. But I still want to be able to do them, even at a low level. I absolutely hate saying, "I can't do this right now." And I hate even more that I'm starting to think this phrase is actually turning into "I can't do this" period.

Last year with my spear, I was working on the inside cyclone/spinning flying outside cyclone/inside cyclone. Was I awesome at it? No. But I was making progress little by little. At this point though, will this be a kick I ever attempt again? I think it's a serious possibility that the answer is no. And the same goes for a lot of things.

I'm just feeling myself getting further and further behind. I've been removing myself from free sparring in class. And although sparring is one of those things that intimidates me, that doesn't mean I don't want to do it. It's the opposite, in fact. I want to do it because I want to get better at it. Watching these past classes and not being able to participate has left me feeling like I'm missing out on all this opportunity. Every class I sit out feels like time I can't get back. Everyone else is building experience while I'm standing still. And in a grading year, that feels especially hard.

I can't grapple. I can't do throws. I can't do most kicks. I can't work on my 5 applications. Sure, I can go through the motions. Maybe do bits of this or that. But everything is modified. And I get that this is necessary at times. But when will I get back to being able to do this stuff in full? It's just not enough. Not in my grading year. I need to be ON right now. Operating at my best. And I'm simply not. I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing.

And these are all the feelings and thoughts that were bubbling up LAST week. It's sad to think...but I would give anything to go back to last week.

Fast forward to now and my situation feels even worse.

I was having a great day in my garden on Sunday when I realized that my back was starting to hurt. I did NOT push through, but stopped right away. Within the hour I was bedridden, unable to move without a lot of pain. I was out for the rest of the day.

Monday was a little better, but I still kept things low-key and remained mostly stationary. Tuesday better yet. I felt I was good enough to go to classes, but playing it safe, I had others lead and I took on a more supportive role, refraining from anything strenuous. Yet by the time I got home, I was in so much pain that I felt worse than I had on Sunday when it first happened.

Yesterday was bad.  In the morning, I literally had to crawl back to my bed. It was humiliating, scary, and incredibly disheartening. There has been some progress. I can now walk short distances in the house, and I can manage getting in and out of bed. I made a chiropractor appointment for tomorrow, but I honestly don't know if I'll be stable enough to get out of the house.

So now, for the last few days, I HAVE been literally doing nothing.

The knee injury alone doesn't even feel like a big deal anymore. Adding my back to it all, and I'm really feeling lost.

I can't help but think about what this will now mean. More modifications moving forward? More taking it easy? More time spent on the sidelines? All the feelings that were starting to bubble up last week with my knee are now a lot more intense with this additional injury.

I'm trying to stay positive. It might not seem that way from everything above. But I don't necessarily think positivity means putting on a false front and pretending everything is okay. Because honestly, I’m not okay.

Right now I feel lost and disconnected from the path I thought I'd be on.

But I am also holding on to this tiny thread of hope that if things can take a downward turn in less than two weeks, there's a chance they can change for the better in the next two as well. Things have felt dire before. Not this dire, mind you. But I've always come out the other end stronger and with a better understanding of myself than when I went in.

So while I don't know what comes next, and while things certainly don't feel okay right now, I'm trying to remember that difficult periods have happened before. Eventually they passed. I can only hope this will be the same.

Farmer's Days Parade 2026

I actually have alot of things on my brain at the moment.  But I'm exhausted from a long day so just don't have the capacity.

Instead, I just want to say a big Thank-you to everyone that helped make the Farmer's Day Parade a huge success once again.  And a special shoutout to Sihing Bjorkquist....without whom our float would never come to fruition.

Numbers

Situps = 15357

Pushups = 15362

DMH = 312

Staff = 289

AOKs = 318

Kms = 371

Sparring = 162

LOL

I wanted to get these thoughts down before they no longer felt relevant.

As I mentioned, I have what some might call a dark sense of humour. There are people who wouldn't dare laugh or joke about certain things. I am not one of those people. I think that if you can find humour in the darkness...if you can laugh about the challenges you're facing...it lessens the influence those things have over you and makes it easier to see the good that still exists.

I don't have any mantras I repeat to myself, nor do I keep a gratitude journal. I absolutely believe those are worthwhile practices, but perhaps I simply take a different approach.

When things don't go as planned, I don't typically wallow in them. I might complain or sulk for a minute...sure, I'm human. But I also think that's an important step. You can't put your head in the sand and pretend things don't happen. When something negative occurs, it's important to recognize it, acknowledge how it made you feel, and, if possible, identify where things went wrong so you can learn from it.  In fact, I think that learning something from a negative experience immediately reduces its power. The moment there's a lesson to take away, it becomes something good.

People sometimes mistake this for positivity, but I don't think that's what it is. Bad things happen. Some days genuinely suck. The goal isn't to pretend otherwise. The goal is to acknowledge it, learn from it if possible, and then decide whether it deserves another hour, another day, or another week of my attention. To me, that's resilience...not the ability to avoid hardship, but the ability to keep moving forward without letting it consume you.

Using my kids as an example, a bad day might be caused by a combination of sleeping in, missing recess, and dropping a sandwich in the dirt. Individually, none of those things are a big deal. More importantly, many of them are things that can be controlled or avoided in the future. If sleeping in contributes to a bad day, stop sleeping in.  As humans, though, I think we often prefer to find causes for our discomfort that lie beyond our control. It feels better if it's not our fault. If the universe is somehow conspiring against us. Poor me.

I have people in my life who dwell on anything negative. They place a laser focus on every bad thing that crosses their path, even when it has little or nothing to do with them. Their neighbour down the block has a bike stolen, and somehow that event ruins their own day.  Don't get me wrong...we can (and should) absolutely have compassion and empathy for people experiencing hardship. We can reach out, support them, and help where we can. But I don't see the benefit of absorbing those hardships and carrying them as our own.  When I catch up with some people, everything at the forefront of their minds is every little thing that's gone wrong recently. Those are the stories they want to tell. Nothing positive. Nothing to balance the scales. No attempt to look on the bright side.

Honestly, I find that draining.  And sometimes they'll even become frustrated with me.

"How come you're not bothered by this?"

Sometimes it's because I genuinely don't see the significance. But even when I do recognize that something is significant, it's not that I don't care. It's not that I'm unaffected. It's that I choose not to let it consume me.  If it's something within my control, I'll make a plan and take action. If it's not, I'll offer support, empathy, or assistance where I can. Then I move on and shift my attention toward things that bring me joy.

Life is hard.

But it's also pretty funny.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I'm just at home, decompressing after another Tiger Challenge event.

As with any big event, once over, I always have this sense of melancholy.  And I usually overanalyze what I could have, or should have, done different.

There were some wins.  Laughs.  But also some losses.

I dropped my weapon.  Even more sadly in a section that hadn't even crossed my mind as a "problem area".  I chose to just continue, rather than starting over.  In the moment I was frazzled and shaken.  And for the remainder of my form I struggled to gain back any real control or flow, especially in my articulations.  I was so worried about another drop.  And so I definitely did not perform as I would have liked.  But I still think that once I develop some real confidence in my form, and nail down all the timing, it will be something that I am going to be proud of.  I also know exactly what went wrong.  I knew it in the moment, and also confirmed with a video that was taken.  I stepped too soon into that particular articulation.  It needs to happen fairly quickly, and I only have a small window to make it work properly.  And being in front of judges, I think I was rushing and getting ahead of myself.  So lesson learned.  I hope.

I also only made 3 of my 4 board breaks.  Again, I know exactly what went wrong.  I didn't give myself enough room for my final technique and I found myself pulling back, went I wanted to move forward.  I just remember turning and looking for the board, and instead of it being ahead of me, where I expected, it was immediately to my left...not where I expected.  I still hit the board dead center, but had lost the majority of my power in having to pull back.  I confirmed this with yet another video and I know what to fix.  

In terms of my knee...I survived without anything severe occurring.  So that's good!  But in all honesty, I know I pushed it in a few places where I maybe shouldn't have.  I had anticipated that though...knowing that in the moment, instinct could kick in.  It was a risk I was willing to take while also keeping things as controlled as I could throughout all the different events.  Having said that, I'm fairly sore this evening, but some ice and rest should do the trick.

Although a few things didn't go as planned, I'm still counting the tournament as a "win".  I had a blast with the fight choreography and am looking forward to fine tuning it.  We goofed with our team form, which was more amusing than anything else.  And for once, I got to see most of my kids events and was super proud of them both.  

Already looking forward to the next one.

(ps.  Dan made me put "Dear Blog" because he feels very strongly I should start all my blogs this way.)

T Minus 1 Week

As we near the Tiger Challenge I am honestly not feeling very confident. 😬

In part, it’s my knee. I keep pushing it a little more all the time, and I’m trying to get deeper in my stances as well as transition smoother when turning. During training I’m actually feeling pretty good and I’m not noticing anything especially concerning. But after each session it’s still quite sore, and I haven’t really noticed much improvement in that regard for some time.

I also know I’m not really supposed to be using my brace right now…but when training for more of a tournament setting, and especially with partners, there’s a bit more risk involved. If I have to react quickly or unexpectedly, I’d rather play it safe for the time being.

The other part is my bo staff. I’ve incorporated some different articulations throughout and I’m really struggling with timing. I’m confident that as the year progresses it’s going to come together and turn out pretty cool. But right now? …it’s pretty glitchy.

What I’m finding is that my progress feels really lopsided. As I get better...and faster...with the articulations, I then have to completely readjust my timing with stepping, transitions, and final techniques. It feels like a never-ending battle because every improvement in one area shifts the rhythm of everything else.

At the same time, I know this is kind of what happens when you’re refining and integrating new components, instead of just polishing something you're already comfortable with.  I already have a vision of what the form could become later in the year, which I think is part of why the glitches stand out so much to me right now.

So yeah.  All in all, I don’t really feel ready.  Not for lack of effort...or want...I don’t think.  More because I’m working on things that simply need more time and repetition before everything aligns.

S-M-R-T

So an update on my knee.

I originally injured myself March 9.  Then re-hurt myself over spring break, on April 2.  So we are a couple days shy of 9 weeks.

There has definitely been progress with my healing.  I finally had my ultrasound on April 28.  It apparently showed a significant sprain along with plenty of fluid yet (ie. swelling).  The doctor seems happy with my progress.  If something goes sideways at all, we will follow up with an MRI.  But at this time, he doesn't feel that step is necessary.  I'm working with my chiropractor on rehab and exercises and feel confident in her hands.

Now, having said all that, I do see that it is still going to be some time before I am "back to normal".  I'm still on orders to avoid pivoting or twisting on that knee.  Which means it can't be trusted as my base leg when kicking with my left.  I've also experienced some "slipping" or "locking" (depending on how you want to describe it) when I attempt to kick with my injured leg.  So I'm being pretty careful (and hesitant) with that leg as well.  So really, all kicking is a no go at this time.

I have started doing some jumping exercises, with the guidance of my chiropractor.  Mostly double leg.  And those are feeling pretty good.  I've also started jumping from my right, to a 2 foot landing.  I haven't been able to bring myself to the next level....starting with a 2 foot jump and landing on my right.  I'm finding myself just too gun shy.

In preparation for the Tiger Challenge, I only just realized about 1 1/2 weeks ago that I won't be able to spar.  It never really dawned on me, but I need to avoid anything "reactive".  It's one thing to be on the bag, where I'm in control.  But if I have to react quickly to an opponent, that puts me at risk.  Do I love sparring?...no.  But I do like to push myself outside my comfort zone....and I don't like not having the option.

I also will have to avoid the board breaking.  Upper body is good, but again, risking re-injury with pivoting or kicking too soon isn't the smart decision.  It's also not the fun decision, but here we are.

So that's the update on all the technical info part of things.  On to how I'm actually feeling.

For the most part I'm good.  Walking, forms, etc. are good for the most part.  I do have pain when lifting for too long and my muscles are engaged (think crane).  It also hurts significantly when turned out (think stretching with one leg out and the other bent in...not sure what that ones called).  And pain again if I'm forcing a bend (like when bowing in/out).  I also definitely feel it when I've worked myself fairly hard.  So after doing several form reps and trying to deepen my stances....there is definitely pain and soreness.

I do realize that I have to pay close attention.  And I know this may be a slower recovery than I'd like, but I also want to keep moving forward.  I don't want to use injury as a reason to do nothing.  So I'm trying to find that balance of pushing...but being smart about it.

Counting Sheep

And another sleep blog!!!

I did some research myself and found alot of the same things that Sihing Bauer already covered, so I won't go into a bunch of detail with most of them, but will still list the major ones I found.  I will also comment on my current status with these things and whether or not they will be things that I might try.  I'm gonna be honest...there are certain ones that I'm just not interested in because it would be negative for something else that I think is important.

1. Lock in a consistent bedtime - ugh.  So tough to stay consistent when every day of the week is different.

2. Control your light (this is apparently a really huge factor)

• Morning: get natural light within 30–60 minutes of waking (even 5–10 minutes helps in Alberta) - this is something I could definitely incorporate better.
• Night: dim lights 1–2 hours before bed - 1-2 hours???  Am I supposed to just sit in the dark awake???  This is the perfect scenario for being tempted into turning on a screen!!!  lol
• Avoid screens or use blue-light filters late at night - this is a tough one when one of my favourite times is just being quiet with Dan watching a show.  I also tend to do alot of computer work in the evening when others are in bed.  For instance...blogging....I just looked at the clock and it's 9:37pm as I'm preparing to post this.  Lol.

3. Build a “wind-down” routine - another tricky one just because every night is just so different.

4. Keep your room sleep-friendly - this is pretty good for me.  I have blackout curtains and whitenoise already.  And a fan blowing on me to stay cool.  

5. Watch caffeine timing - not an issue.  I don't have coffee typically passed about 10-11am.

6. Don’t go to bed “wired” or stressed - okay.  This is a major one for me.  If there is anything going on that I haven't been able to resolve...conflicts, deadlines, surprise financial burdens, issues the kids are having, etc......I go through it over and over in my head trying to solve everything all at once.  A couple suggestions I found were,

• Write down tomorrow’s to-do list
• Do a brain dump journal

These could work.  Often, if I have a plan, any kind of plan, I feel better about things.

7. Use your bed only for sleep - truth time.....this isn't going to happen.  One of my favourite things is sneaking away from the kids with Dan and lying in bed and watching our current favourite series while we wind down.  When he's on shift, I normally don't see him until I get home from classes. So this is really important time for me.

8. Get some exercise during the day - but avoid right before bed.  You got it!!  lol

9. Be careful with naps - I haven't been able to nap since before having kids....so not a normal issue for me.

10. Don’t force sleep - If you’re lying awake for ~20 minutes, get up, do something low-light and boring, then come back. This prevents your brain from linking bed with frustration.**I thought this one was interesting.  There are times that I will lie awake for quite some time before falling asleep.  Also times where I wake up and lay there for 1-2 hours.  I've always told myself NOT to get out of bed because I thought that would make it worse.  But this might be something new to try!!

There were also a few on Sihing's list that are different than the list I came up with.  A couple that I really like are,

• the cluttered environment.  This is true for me but never made the connection!!  I always feel more relaxed and better ready to sleep after I've just done a really good clean/organize of my room.
• establish a wake-up routine.  Never even dawned on me that this could be part of it all.

Now, having said all this, there are also some things I liked, and absolutely agree with, from Todai Vogt's blog.  For one, I agree about food.  I definitely need to eat when I get home from classes.  And that means 8-9pm.  I can't eat before or it sits there in my stomach bouncing around and just makes me feel gross and brutal.  BUT I can definitely be better at WHAT I'm eating.  That's more the problem for me than the eating itself.  As mentioned, a bag of Maltesers and hobo nachos probably isn't the best supper...nevermind that kind of food coming right before bed. 

I'm also 100% in agreement that there is a huge sleep change after having kids.  And I don't just mean lack of sleep.  I'm not sure if it's just a mom thing.  I know Dan doesn't experience the same thing.  But ever since having kids, it's very rare that I truly feel asleep.  I'm not saying never.  But I would venture a guess that 95% of the time, even though I might be "asleep", I am still aware.  Always with some part of me awake, watching and ready to react when needed.  Even as the kids grow older, it remains.  And so I thought I'd look it up.

It's apparently something called “maternal hypervigilance” and is very common.  After becoming a mom, your brain literally rewires to be more alert...especially during sleep.  Research shows changes in areas of the brain tied to threat detection and responsiveness.  So instead of fully “switching off,” your brain stays in a lighter, more responsive sleep state.  Some of the "symptoms" of this are,

• Waking up at the slightest sound
• Feeling like you’re “on duty” even while asleep
• Trouble dropping into deep sleep
• Being aware of your surroundings all night

It’s basically your nervous system saying “always be ready”.  For some moms, myself included, this never fully corrects itself for few reasons:

• Habit + conditioning (you’ve practiced being “on alert” for a long time)
• Stress load (busy life, responsibilities, etc.)
• Nervous system staying slightly activated

This is very different from something like insomnia where people often can’t sleep at all. 

Some things that they say can help to gently retrain your nervous system are,

• don’t fight it—you need to teach your body it’s safe to power down again.
• perform some deliberate safety checks before bed (Lock doors, check kids, then your brain can be certain that everything is handled)
• Heavier sensory input (weighted blanket, deeper pressure, or even a firm mattress) which can help your nervous system settle
• Longer exhale breathing (in 4, out 6–8), directly calming that alert state
• Magnesium glycinate (if you’re open to supplements)
• Let someone else “be on duty” sometimes

Very interesting.  And I can't believe this is the first time I actually looked this up.  I was probably just too tired. 🤣

Does It Count

I heard someone talking recently about how she gives herself credit for everything.  At 65, practicing Ju Jitsu, she allows herself credit for things that she wouldn’t have considered a big deal at 20.

“If I get to class, I get credit.”

“If I washed my uniform in preparation for class, I get credit.”

What she was really talking about was celebrating even the small wins… because sometimes the smallest step takes a lot of effort.

And it got me thinking…When do I really deserve the credit?

When we roll through the day on autopilot...no thought, no resistance, just doing...the day feels easy. No struggle. No challenge. Is that good… or bad?  We also hear a lot about “effortless effort.” But sometimes, when things become effortless, it’s also a signal that we’ve reached a fork in the road… and if we're not careful, effortless can turn into mindless.

So again…When do I really deserve the credit?

It’s obvious that credit is deserved in the hard choices.  In the moments where I pause, consider doing nothing… and choose action anyway.

But what about the things that come easy?  What about the things I’m naturally good at?  Or the habits I’ve built through discipline?

If I roll out of bed and do 20 pushups without thinking anymore… that’s a good thing, right?  I’m not really convincing myself in that moment...but there was definitely a time that I did.

So maybe that counts too...because these “easy” actions were built on a foundation of hard ones.  There used to be days where it wasn’t automatic.  

So maybe there are two kinds of credit.

The credit I earn right now, when I make the hard choice.

And the credit I carry forward, from the hard choices I’ve already made.

Both matter.  

Both count.  

Because none of it was ever accidental.

Issues = Progress

I had a 1-on-1 recently. Before it, I took a video of my form and sent it in as a reference for discussion. The session was great—lots of useful feedback, and plenty of things for me to work on.

But I found myself chuckling a bit.

I can remember back to my white, yellow, and orange belt days. Even then, I had the habit of taking videos and asking for feedback. But the responses were very different. They were usually along the lines of:

“Everything looks really good—just keep at it.”

“I can’t offer much for feedback, keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Other than a small adjustment here, you’re on the right track.”

Now, as I’ve moved up the ranks, the lists I get back seem to be getting longer and longer.

At first glance, that feels a bit backwards.  More experience…more things to fix?  I trust that I’m not somehow getting worse. So the only conclusion is that the more things I can find (or be shown) to improve, the more progress I’m actually making.

It’s not that the flaws are new.  But I imagine my ability to understand, and analyze them, is.

This really clicked for me when I looked at it from the instructor side.

With lower-level students (especially younger ones), I try to limit feedback to simple, foundational points. Not because there’s nothing else to correct—but because anything beyond that wouldn’t be helpful yet.  But with higher-level students, the approach shifts.  They’re still working on the same fundamentals. But now I can add in more details because they have the capacity to understand and apply them.

More issues = more progress...or maybe the other way around depending on which way I'm looking at it.  Either way, I'm taking the most recent laundry list as a compliment.