Injury Update

A bit of an update on the injuries I'm dealing with at the moment.

I've mostly recovered from my back injury.  I've been spending a lot of time with my chiropractor.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a bridesmaid at this point.  Lol.

There's still some tension remaining when I bend or lift, but she thinks that may be lingering because of my knee.  Her opinion is that the back injury itself had a lot to do with my back compensating far more than I realized over the last few months, and it finally just had enough.  So I'm doing lots of back and core exercises to help it heal and build the strength it needs to handle the extra load while I continue navigating the knee issues.

Now for the knee.

The injury initially happened on March 9.  By the beginning of June, about three months in, I started expressing concern that we'd hit a standstill with recovery.  I was still getting the occasional "slipping" sensation, still had noticeable inflammation that prevented me from fully bending the knee, and continued to have pain along the inside of the joint whenever I did lateral movements (think sitting in a butterfly stretch) or any movement where the muscles and connective tissues had to engage and stabilize the knee (think holding a crane stance).

My chiropractor suggested I see a physiotherapist because she was starting to think there might be something more going on than just a severe sprain.  Long story short, he ran me through several tests, and it was his opinion that I may have torn my ACL and/or have damage to my meniscus.  He referred me to a Sports Medicine Physician, whom I saw on Tuesday.  She repeated many of the same tests but took them quite a bit further.  I definitely did not enjoy some of the manipulations she put my knee through, and several of them were quite painful.  She agrees with the physiotherapist and has ordered an MRI.  One of her biggest concerns is that, with my good knee, although there's a lot of movement available, there's still a definite stopping point to how far she can push it.  My injured knee doesn't have that same firm endpoint, which suggests there's likely damage to one or more of the structures that normally provide stability.

For now, I'm supposed to continue avoiding any pivots, twisting or jumping on that leg and keep my movements as controlled as possible.  She also wants me wearing a knee brace anytime I'm doing anything more physical than simply walking around.

So, if any of you have experience with knee braces, I'd love to hear your recommendations.  Right now I'm wearing a fairly basic slip-on brace with a couple of Velcro straps.  If there are better options that still strike a good balance between support and comfort...comfortable enough that I'll actually wear them...I'd really appreciate your suggestions.

The other thing I need to figure out is how to keep moving forward with some of the requirements for this year.

For example, my five applications.  I had them all worked out, but I haven't been practicing them because I've been waiting to get better so I could perform them as they were originally intended.  In my defense, based on what we knew at the time, we didn't think this was anything overly serious, it just needed time to heal.  With the new information, though, I have to accept that my current physical limitations may be my reality for quite some time.  Rather than continuing to wait, I think the better approach is to analyze each application, identify the sections that carry too much risk, and modify them so I can continue progressing safely.  I may even have to scrap parts of some applications and rebuild them from scratch.

Although I've still been training, still working hard....I feel like I've mostly been holding steady...and not really making progress.  I need to start moving forward again, injury and all.

Hand To Core, Core To Hand

As I was recovering from my back injury, I was doing a lot of visualization work, and I noticed something in Da Mu Hsing 4 that I want to explore further.  For the time being, I simply need to get these thoughts on paper before they're lost.

During the second bell block sequence, we end with the ridge hand, then slide-step into a horse stance with a right palm and a slight push.  Please bear with me....I know that terminology can sometimes create confusion.

As I continued visualizing the movement, I found myself imagining my ridge hand remaining stationary while my body moved around it, almost like Bagua circle walking. I found this really interesting because I'd never thought about this section in that way before.

Once I began thinking of the hand as remaining fixed while the body moved around it, I started wondering what application might fit that idea.  Without getting too complicated, I imagined a ridge hand to the neck where the hand maintains contact as I move around the opponent (sticky hands?), followed by a palm heel, or even just a push, from behind.  This also reminded me a lot of the triangle stepping we do, where we continue moving around our opponent while they remain relatively stationary. I know there are several other places throughout our forms where this same idea seems to appear.

Discussing this further in a one-on-one, I realized I was only scratching the surface.  If I start thinking about expansion and contraction during these types of movements, it becomes even more interesting.

Typically, we expand by launching a strike outward and then contract by drawing everything back into our center.  In these cases, we still expand by extending the strike, but instead of contracting by withdrawing the arm, we contract by bringing the rest of our body toward the point of contact.  Rather than the hand returning to the core, the core returns to the hand.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this (and have since also experimented with it in my training), and I'm not even sure it translates well into writing.  But it feels like a different way of thinking about expansion and contraction and I think there's something much deeper here than I first realized.

Connection, Alignment and the Six Harmonies

Today's Kao Shi class was my first class back on the mats.

I'm so glad to say that it went really well. Better than I had anticipated, in fact.  I still went slow and deliberate with most everything, but I was able to participate in the majority of the lesson.

A couple things in particular stood out for me.

First was when we were working on our thrust punches from horse stance.  The goal was to ensure that our hips and core were engaging with the same release and rotation as the upper body.  For the first round, I held back.  I was worried about my back.  More specifically, I was worried about engaging those muscles too much and setting myself back again.  So instead of letting the movement happen naturally, I consciously resisted it.

What I found interesting was that this was the round where I felt the most strain.  The pressure wasn't coming from the movement itself.  It was coming from my attempt to prevent the movement.  In the following rounds I stopped trying to control everything and simply allowed my body to do what it wanted to do.  The hips rotated.  The core engaged.  And everything worked together.

The second was when we were doing our forms work.  I was being very deliberate about my alignment.  Any reaching or leaning is still painful.  Those are the movements that continue to remind me that my back isn't quite ready yet.  So throughout the class, I paid close attention to settling over my hips and maintaining my structure.  I found that my movements felt really good and I was able to avoid any of the pressure and pain that I've been anticipating.

At first, these felt like two separate lessons.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized they were really the same.

The body functions best when everything is connected and working together. When one part stops participating, another part is forced to compensate. When we become misaligned, sacrificing our structure, other parts have to pick up the slack.  Whenever something becomes disconnected, we run into problems.

Today was the first time in quite a while that I was able to feel that lesson rather than simply understand it intellectually.

And after several months of injuries, modifications, setbacks, and frustrations, it felt really good to leave class not just feeling better, but feeling like I was learning again.

A Message To My Team

A quick message to my team and instructors,

I'm not going to lie—I was relieved when we ran out of time today.

I know I need to share how I'm doing in order to work through it all. I also realize my recent blog was only the first step, not a resolution of any kind. But to be honest, right now I'm not in a place where I think I could speak openly and honestly, face-to-face, and still hold it together.  So I apologize for not speaking up.

That said, I promise I'm not wallowing. At least, I'm aware of how easy it would be to do that, and I'm trying my best not to. Rather, my current situation just feels overwhelming, and not just with Kung Fu. My home life feels paused as well. Everything churning around in my head is making it difficult to formulate the plans I need in order to keep moving forward with confidence.

These are the questions I keep coming back to:

• What can I still do right now, in this very moment?

• Once I am moving again, how should I ease back into training?

• Whether it's my knee or my back, what do I need to avoid, and what should I focus on instead?

• What are the chances I'll be able to participate on July 1, and what might that realistically look like?

• What modifications can I make to my requirements, both personal and pre-set, so I can continue to honour the spirit of them and still get the most out of the experience?

• How will this all affect my grading year specifically?  How should I approach my physical candidate requirements if these injuries continue to linger? Board breaking? Five applications?  And will there be ways to do this as to still qualify for a grading?

• How do I still support the team, and my fellow candidates, in a meaningful way?

• What modifications should I be considering for my staff form, whether temporary or permanent?

• How will I approach instructing, lesson planning, and managing classes?

And then, essentially, repeat most of those same questions in relation to my home and family life.

I fully recognize where I'm at, and I know this feeling will pass. But I also recognize that it won't be the injuries healing that determines when it passes, it's the plan.

I could still be bedridden and get through this slump if I could come up with a plan that made me feel like I was still moving forward. That's what's holding me back right now. I can't seem to come up with an action plan that I feel good about.

But as I was writing this, something shifted slightly.

Listing these things out makes them feel less like one giant tangled problem and more like several smaller problems that can be tackled one at a time.

So here's my first plan:

Today, I'm only going to work on the first question.

What are all the things I can still do right now, in this very moment?

Here's To Hoping

It was about 2 weeks ago in our Saturday meeting that I shared that I was feeling pretty decent. Numbers were on track. I felt I was doing what I needed to (and could) be doing. Less than 2 weeks later and it's a very different story.

Let's start with last week, where I was starting to feel a bit frustrated with the progress of my knee.

At my last appointment, we didn't see much improvement. So I'm going to be heading back to the doctor to see if he'll refer me for an MRI. I still can't bend fully, both due to pain and inflammation. There is still a lot of localized pain when I try to move laterally. I will feel fine in stances one minute, and then suddenly can't the next...for no obvious reason. This in itself makes modifying difficult. I can't really determine what I should or shouldn't be doing. I'll do something that was fine the day before, but this time it goes badly and sets me back again.

I continue to modify. I continue to remove myself from certain activities. This has now been for the majority of the year. I injured myself March 9 and have been modifying since. I've spent more than 13 weeks of my grading year modifying my training, and counting. And it's really starting to weigh on me mentally.

At double brown I'm definitely not looking for reasons not to be doing things. I get that there are things I will likely never be awesome at. But I still want to be able to do them, even at a low level. I absolutely hate saying, "I can't do this right now." And I hate even more that I'm starting to think this phrase is actually turning into "I can't do this" period.

Last year with my spear, I was working on the inside cyclone/spinning flying outside cyclone/inside cyclone. Was I awesome at it? No. But I was making progress little by little. At this point though, will this be a kick I ever attempt again? I think it's a serious possibility that the answer is no. And the same goes for a lot of things.

I'm just feeling myself getting further and further behind. I've been removing myself from free sparring in class. And although sparring is one of those things that intimidates me, that doesn't mean I don't want to do it. It's the opposite, in fact. I want to do it because I want to get better at it. Watching these past classes and not being able to participate has left me feeling like I'm missing out on all this opportunity. Every class I sit out feels like time I can't get back. Everyone else is building experience while I'm standing still. And in a grading year, that feels especially hard.

I can't grapple. I can't do throws. I can't do most kicks. I can't work on my 5 applications. Sure, I can go through the motions. Maybe do bits of this or that. But everything is modified. And I get that this is necessary at times. But when will I get back to being able to do this stuff in full? It's just not enough. Not in my grading year. I need to be ON right now. Operating at my best. And I'm simply not. I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing.

And these are all the feelings and thoughts that were bubbling up LAST week. It's sad to think...but I would give anything to go back to last week.

Fast forward to now and my situation feels even worse.

I was having a great day in my garden on Sunday when I realized that my back was starting to hurt. I did NOT push through, but stopped right away. Within the hour I was bedridden, unable to move without a lot of pain. I was out for the rest of the day.

Monday was a little better, but I still kept things low-key and remained mostly stationary. Tuesday better yet. I felt I was good enough to go to classes, but playing it safe, I had others lead and I took on a more supportive role, refraining from anything strenuous. Yet by the time I got home, I was in so much pain that I felt worse than I had on Sunday when it first happened.

Yesterday was bad.  In the morning, I literally had to crawl back to my bed. It was humiliating, scary, and incredibly disheartening. There has been some progress. I can now walk short distances in the house, and I can manage getting in and out of bed. I made a chiropractor appointment for tomorrow, but I honestly don't know if I'll be stable enough to get out of the house.

So now, for the last few days, I HAVE been literally doing nothing.

The knee injury alone doesn't even feel like a big deal anymore. Adding my back to it all, and I'm really feeling lost.

I can't help but think about what this will now mean. More modifications moving forward? More taking it easy? More time spent on the sidelines? All the feelings that were starting to bubble up last week with my knee are now a lot more intense with this additional injury.

I'm trying to stay positive. It might not seem that way from everything above. But I don't necessarily think positivity means putting on a false front and pretending everything is okay. Because honestly, I’m not okay.

Right now I feel lost and disconnected from the path I thought I'd be on.

But I am also holding on to this tiny thread of hope that if things can take a downward turn in less than two weeks, there's a chance they can change for the better in the next two as well. Things have felt dire before. Not this dire, mind you. But I've always come out the other end stronger and with a better understanding of myself than when I went in.

So while I don't know what comes next, and while things certainly don't feel okay right now, I'm trying to remember that difficult periods have happened before. Eventually they passed. I can only hope this will be the same.

Farmer's Days Parade 2026

I actually have alot of things on my brain at the moment.  But I'm exhausted from a long day so just don't have the capacity.

Instead, I just want to say a big Thank-you to everyone that helped make the Farmer's Day Parade a huge success once again.  And a special shoutout to Sihing Bjorkquist....without whom our float would never come to fruition.

Numbers

Situps = 15357

Pushups = 15362

DMH = 312

Staff = 289

AOKs = 318

Kms = 371

Sparring = 162

LOL

I wanted to get these thoughts down before they no longer felt relevant.

As I mentioned, I have what some might call a dark sense of humour. There are people who wouldn't dare laugh or joke about certain things. I am not one of those people. I think that if you can find humour in the darkness...if you can laugh about the challenges you're facing...it lessens the influence those things have over you and makes it easier to see the good that still exists.

I don't have any mantras I repeat to myself, nor do I keep a gratitude journal. I absolutely believe those are worthwhile practices, but perhaps I simply take a different approach.

When things don't go as planned, I don't typically wallow in them. I might complain or sulk for a minute...sure, I'm human. But I also think that's an important step. You can't put your head in the sand and pretend things don't happen. When something negative occurs, it's important to recognize it, acknowledge how it made you feel, and, if possible, identify where things went wrong so you can learn from it.  In fact, I think that learning something from a negative experience immediately reduces its power. The moment there's a lesson to take away, it becomes something good.

People sometimes mistake this for positivity, but I don't think that's what it is. Bad things happen. Some days genuinely suck. The goal isn't to pretend otherwise. The goal is to acknowledge it, learn from it if possible, and then decide whether it deserves another hour, another day, or another week of my attention. To me, that's resilience...not the ability to avoid hardship, but the ability to keep moving forward without letting it consume you.

Using my kids as an example, a bad day might be caused by a combination of sleeping in, missing recess, and dropping a sandwich in the dirt. Individually, none of those things are a big deal. More importantly, many of them are things that can be controlled or avoided in the future. If sleeping in contributes to a bad day, stop sleeping in.  As humans, though, I think we often prefer to find causes for our discomfort that lie beyond our control. It feels better if it's not our fault. If the universe is somehow conspiring against us. Poor me.

I have people in my life who dwell on anything negative. They place a laser focus on every bad thing that crosses their path, even when it has little or nothing to do with them. Their neighbour down the block has a bike stolen, and somehow that event ruins their own day.  Don't get me wrong...we can (and should) absolutely have compassion and empathy for people experiencing hardship. We can reach out, support them, and help where we can. But I don't see the benefit of absorbing those hardships and carrying them as our own.  When I catch up with some people, everything at the forefront of their minds is every little thing that's gone wrong recently. Those are the stories they want to tell. Nothing positive. Nothing to balance the scales. No attempt to look on the bright side.

Honestly, I find that draining.  And sometimes they'll even become frustrated with me.

"How come you're not bothered by this?"

Sometimes it's because I genuinely don't see the significance. But even when I do recognize that something is significant, it's not that I don't care. It's not that I'm unaffected. It's that I choose not to let it consume me.  If it's something within my control, I'll make a plan and take action. If it's not, I'll offer support, empathy, or assistance where I can. Then I move on and shift my attention toward things that bring me joy.

Life is hard.

But it's also pretty funny.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I'm just at home, decompressing after another Tiger Challenge event.

As with any big event, once over, I always have this sense of melancholy.  And I usually overanalyze what I could have, or should have, done different.

There were some wins.  Laughs.  But also some losses.

I dropped my weapon.  Even more sadly in a section that hadn't even crossed my mind as a "problem area".  I chose to just continue, rather than starting over.  In the moment I was frazzled and shaken.  And for the remainder of my form I struggled to gain back any real control or flow, especially in my articulations.  I was so worried about another drop.  And so I definitely did not perform as I would have liked.  But I still think that once I develop some real confidence in my form, and nail down all the timing, it will be something that I am going to be proud of.  I also know exactly what went wrong.  I knew it in the moment, and also confirmed with a video that was taken.  I stepped too soon into that particular articulation.  It needs to happen fairly quickly, and I only have a small window to make it work properly.  And being in front of judges, I think I was rushing and getting ahead of myself.  So lesson learned.  I hope.

I also only made 3 of my 4 board breaks.  Again, I know exactly what went wrong.  I didn't give myself enough room for my final technique and I found myself pulling back, went I wanted to move forward.  I just remember turning and looking for the board, and instead of it being ahead of me, where I expected, it was immediately to my left...not where I expected.  I still hit the board dead center, but had lost the majority of my power in having to pull back.  I confirmed this with yet another video and I know what to fix.  

In terms of my knee...I survived without anything severe occurring.  So that's good!  But in all honesty, I know I pushed it in a few places where I maybe shouldn't have.  I had anticipated that though...knowing that in the moment, instinct could kick in.  It was a risk I was willing to take while also keeping things as controlled as I could throughout all the different events.  Having said that, I'm fairly sore this evening, but some ice and rest should do the trick.

Although a few things didn't go as planned, I'm still counting the tournament as a "win".  I had a blast with the fight choreography and am looking forward to fine tuning it.  We goofed with our team form, which was more amusing than anything else.  And for once, I got to see most of my kids events and was super proud of them both.  

Already looking forward to the next one.

(ps.  Dan made me put "Dear Blog" because he feels very strongly I should start all my blogs this way.)

T Minus 1 Week

As we near the Tiger Challenge I am honestly not feeling very confident. 😬

In part, it’s my knee. I keep pushing it a little more all the time, and I’m trying to get deeper in my stances as well as transition smoother when turning. During training I’m actually feeling pretty good and I’m not noticing anything especially concerning. But after each session it’s still quite sore, and I haven’t really noticed much improvement in that regard for some time.

I also know I’m not really supposed to be using my brace right now…but when training for more of a tournament setting, and especially with partners, there’s a bit more risk involved. If I have to react quickly or unexpectedly, I’d rather play it safe for the time being.

The other part is my bo staff. I’ve incorporated some different articulations throughout and I’m really struggling with timing. I’m confident that as the year progresses it’s going to come together and turn out pretty cool. But right now? …it’s pretty glitchy.

What I’m finding is that my progress feels really lopsided. As I get better...and faster...with the articulations, I then have to completely readjust my timing with stepping, transitions, and final techniques. It feels like a never-ending battle because every improvement in one area shifts the rhythm of everything else.

At the same time, I know this is kind of what happens when you’re refining and integrating new components, instead of just polishing something you're already comfortable with.  I already have a vision of what the form could become later in the year, which I think is part of why the glitches stand out so much to me right now.

So yeah.  All in all, I don’t really feel ready.  Not for lack of effort...or want...I don’t think.  More because I’m working on things that simply need more time and repetition before everything aligns.

S-M-R-T

So an update on my knee.

I originally injured myself March 9.  Then re-hurt myself over spring break, on April 2.  So we are a couple days shy of 9 weeks.

There has definitely been progress with my healing.  I finally had my ultrasound on April 28.  It apparently showed a significant sprain along with plenty of fluid yet (ie. swelling).  The doctor seems happy with my progress.  If something goes sideways at all, we will follow up with an MRI.  But at this time, he doesn't feel that step is necessary.  I'm working with my chiropractor on rehab and exercises and feel confident in her hands.

Now, having said all that, I do see that it is still going to be some time before I am "back to normal".  I'm still on orders to avoid pivoting or twisting on that knee.  Which means it can't be trusted as my base leg when kicking with my left.  I've also experienced some "slipping" or "locking" (depending on how you want to describe it) when I attempt to kick with my injured leg.  So I'm being pretty careful (and hesitant) with that leg as well.  So really, all kicking is a no go at this time.

I have started doing some jumping exercises, with the guidance of my chiropractor.  Mostly double leg.  And those are feeling pretty good.  I've also started jumping from my right, to a 2 foot landing.  I haven't been able to bring myself to the next level....starting with a 2 foot jump and landing on my right.  I'm finding myself just too gun shy.

In preparation for the Tiger Challenge, I only just realized about 1 1/2 weeks ago that I won't be able to spar.  It never really dawned on me, but I need to avoid anything "reactive".  It's one thing to be on the bag, where I'm in control.  But if I have to react quickly to an opponent, that puts me at risk.  Do I love sparring?...no.  But I do like to push myself outside my comfort zone....and I don't like not having the option.

I also will have to avoid the board breaking.  Upper body is good, but again, risking re-injury with pivoting or kicking too soon isn't the smart decision.  It's also not the fun decision, but here we are.

So that's the update on all the technical info part of things.  On to how I'm actually feeling.

For the most part I'm good.  Walking, forms, etc. are good for the most part.  I do have pain when lifting for too long and my muscles are engaged (think crane).  It also hurts significantly when turned out (think stretching with one leg out and the other bent in...not sure what that ones called).  And pain again if I'm forcing a bend (like when bowing in/out).  I also definitely feel it when I've worked myself fairly hard.  So after doing several form reps and trying to deepen my stances....there is definitely pain and soreness.

I do realize that I have to pay close attention.  And I know this may be a slower recovery than I'd like, but I also want to keep moving forward.  I don't want to use injury as a reason to do nothing.  So I'm trying to find that balance of pushing...but being smart about it.

Counting Sheep

And another sleep blog!!!

I did some research myself and found alot of the same things that Sihing Bauer already covered, so I won't go into a bunch of detail with most of them, but will still list the major ones I found.  I will also comment on my current status with these things and whether or not they will be things that I might try.  I'm gonna be honest...there are certain ones that I'm just not interested in because it would be negative for something else that I think is important.

1. Lock in a consistent bedtime - ugh.  So tough to stay consistent when every day of the week is different.

2. Control your light (this is apparently a really huge factor)

• Morning: get natural light within 30–60 minutes of waking (even 5–10 minutes helps in Alberta) - this is something I could definitely incorporate better.
• Night: dim lights 1–2 hours before bed - 1-2 hours???  Am I supposed to just sit in the dark awake???  This is the perfect scenario for being tempted into turning on a screen!!!  lol
• Avoid screens or use blue-light filters late at night - this is a tough one when one of my favourite times is just being quiet with Dan watching a show.  I also tend to do alot of computer work in the evening when others are in bed.  For instance...blogging....I just looked at the clock and it's 9:37pm as I'm preparing to post this.  Lol.

3. Build a “wind-down” routine - another tricky one just because every night is just so different.

4. Keep your room sleep-friendly - this is pretty good for me.  I have blackout curtains and whitenoise already.  And a fan blowing on me to stay cool.  

5. Watch caffeine timing - not an issue.  I don't have coffee typically passed about 10-11am.

6. Don’t go to bed “wired” or stressed - okay.  This is a major one for me.  If there is anything going on that I haven't been able to resolve...conflicts, deadlines, surprise financial burdens, issues the kids are having, etc......I go through it over and over in my head trying to solve everything all at once.  A couple suggestions I found were,

• Write down tomorrow’s to-do list
• Do a brain dump journal

These could work.  Often, if I have a plan, any kind of plan, I feel better about things.

7. Use your bed only for sleep - truth time.....this isn't going to happen.  One of my favourite things is sneaking away from the kids with Dan and lying in bed and watching our current favourite series while we wind down.  When he's on shift, I normally don't see him until I get home from classes. So this is really important time for me.

8. Get some exercise during the day - but avoid right before bed.  You got it!!  lol

9. Be careful with naps - I haven't been able to nap since before having kids....so not a normal issue for me.

10. Don’t force sleep - If you’re lying awake for ~20 minutes, get up, do something low-light and boring, then come back. This prevents your brain from linking bed with frustration.**I thought this one was interesting.  There are times that I will lie awake for quite some time before falling asleep.  Also times where I wake up and lay there for 1-2 hours.  I've always told myself NOT to get out of bed because I thought that would make it worse.  But this might be something new to try!!

There were also a few on Sihing's list that are different than the list I came up with.  A couple that I really like are,

• the cluttered environment.  This is true for me but never made the connection!!  I always feel more relaxed and better ready to sleep after I've just done a really good clean/organize of my room.
• establish a wake-up routine.  Never even dawned on me that this could be part of it all.

Now, having said all this, there are also some things I liked, and absolutely agree with, from Todai Vogt's blog.  For one, I agree about food.  I definitely need to eat when I get home from classes.  And that means 8-9pm.  I can't eat before or it sits there in my stomach bouncing around and just makes me feel gross and brutal.  BUT I can definitely be better at WHAT I'm eating.  That's more the problem for me than the eating itself.  As mentioned, a bag of Maltesers and hobo nachos probably isn't the best supper...nevermind that kind of food coming right before bed. 

I'm also 100% in agreement that there is a huge sleep change after having kids.  And I don't just mean lack of sleep.  I'm not sure if it's just a mom thing.  I know Dan doesn't experience the same thing.  But ever since having kids, it's very rare that I truly feel asleep.  I'm not saying never.  But I would venture a guess that 95% of the time, even though I might be "asleep", I am still aware.  Always with some part of me awake, watching and ready to react when needed.  Even as the kids grow older, it remains.  And so I thought I'd look it up.

It's apparently something called “maternal hypervigilance” and is very common.  After becoming a mom, your brain literally rewires to be more alert...especially during sleep.  Research shows changes in areas of the brain tied to threat detection and responsiveness.  So instead of fully “switching off,” your brain stays in a lighter, more responsive sleep state.  Some of the "symptoms" of this are,

• Waking up at the slightest sound
• Feeling like you’re “on duty” even while asleep
• Trouble dropping into deep sleep
• Being aware of your surroundings all night

It’s basically your nervous system saying “always be ready”.  For some moms, myself included, this never fully corrects itself for few reasons:

• Habit + conditioning (you’ve practiced being “on alert” for a long time)
• Stress load (busy life, responsibilities, etc.)
• Nervous system staying slightly activated

This is very different from something like insomnia where people often can’t sleep at all. 

Some things that they say can help to gently retrain your nervous system are,

• don’t fight it—you need to teach your body it’s safe to power down again.
• perform some deliberate safety checks before bed (Lock doors, check kids, then your brain can be certain that everything is handled)
• Heavier sensory input (weighted blanket, deeper pressure, or even a firm mattress) which can help your nervous system settle
• Longer exhale breathing (in 4, out 6–8), directly calming that alert state
• Magnesium glycinate (if you’re open to supplements)
• Let someone else “be on duty” sometimes

Very interesting.  And I can't believe this is the first time I actually looked this up.  I was probably just too tired. 🤣

Does It Count

I heard someone talking recently about how she gives herself credit for everything.  At 65, practicing Ju Jitsu, she allows herself credit for things that she wouldn’t have considered a big deal at 20.

“If I get to class, I get credit.”

“If I washed my uniform in preparation for class, I get credit.”

What she was really talking about was celebrating even the small wins… because sometimes the smallest step takes a lot of effort.

And it got me thinking…When do I really deserve the credit?

When we roll through the day on autopilot...no thought, no resistance, just doing...the day feels easy. No struggle. No challenge. Is that good… or bad?  We also hear a lot about “effortless effort.” But sometimes, when things become effortless, it’s also a signal that we’ve reached a fork in the road… and if we're not careful, effortless can turn into mindless.

So again…When do I really deserve the credit?

It’s obvious that credit is deserved in the hard choices.  In the moments where I pause, consider doing nothing… and choose action anyway.

But what about the things that come easy?  What about the things I’m naturally good at?  Or the habits I’ve built through discipline?

If I roll out of bed and do 20 pushups without thinking anymore… that’s a good thing, right?  I’m not really convincing myself in that moment...but there was definitely a time that I did.

So maybe that counts too...because these “easy” actions were built on a foundation of hard ones.  There used to be days where it wasn’t automatic.  

So maybe there are two kinds of credit.

The credit I earn right now, when I make the hard choice.

And the credit I carry forward, from the hard choices I’ve already made.

Both matter.  

Both count.  

Because none of it was ever accidental.

Issues = Progress

I had a 1-on-1 recently. Before it, I took a video of my form and sent it in as a reference for discussion. The session was great—lots of useful feedback, and plenty of things for me to work on.

But I found myself chuckling a bit.

I can remember back to my white, yellow, and orange belt days. Even then, I had the habit of taking videos and asking for feedback. But the responses were very different. They were usually along the lines of:

“Everything looks really good—just keep at it.”

“I can’t offer much for feedback, keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Other than a small adjustment here, you’re on the right track.”

Now, as I’ve moved up the ranks, the lists I get back seem to be getting longer and longer.

At first glance, that feels a bit backwards.  More experience…more things to fix?  I trust that I’m not somehow getting worse. So the only conclusion is that the more things I can find (or be shown) to improve, the more progress I’m actually making.

It’s not that the flaws are new.  But I imagine my ability to understand, and analyze them, is.

This really clicked for me when I looked at it from the instructor side.

With lower-level students (especially younger ones), I try to limit feedback to simple, foundational points. Not because there’s nothing else to correct—but because anything beyond that wouldn’t be helpful yet.  But with higher-level students, the approach shifts.  They’re still working on the same fundamentals. But now I can add in more details because they have the capacity to understand and apply them.

More issues = more progress...or maybe the other way around depending on which way I'm looking at it.  Either way, I'm taking the most recent laundry list as a compliment.

Just In Case!!

 I had hoped to write my blog earlier today, but that’s didn’t work out. I’m still hoping to do it later tonight, but we also have some guests coming over. So I’m posting my numbers just in case my good intentions don’t work out!!!

Failing Would Imply Trying

Today's meeting was really good for me.  It pointed a giant spot light at exactly where I'm failing.  Actually no.  Failing isn't the right word.  Failing is a positive thing and would imply that I was actually trying.  That's not the case here.  

There are a couple things on my personal requirements that I had completely removed from my list.  My super duper justifiable thought was "I'm injured and can't do these things".  Which is and isn't true.  Yes, I perhaps can't do them in the way I had intended.  But I can certainly revamp some things so that I'm still taking some steps forward and honouring the original spirit of the goal.  And here's the interesting part.  Everything else on my list I'm still doing....injury be damned.  I'm still working on my forms.  Still plucking away at the other numbers, even though many are physical.  I've had to modify before for my foot surgery, and other minor injuries, so it's commonplace to do that.  And so I thought to myself, why didn't I just find a way to modify these things too??  Why was it so easy for me to make an excuse?  And I think the difference with these was that one hadn't even been started yet...and I was only a couple weeks into the other that I hadn't even really formed a good consistent habit yet.  So it wasn't all that hard to push them aside and say "I'll get started when I am better".  Everything else is pretty established in my training and has been modified in the past.  So it wasn't even a thought to not keep going with those.  But these were new things....and to be honest, it really wasn't hard to make the excuse.  I almost welcomed it because it felt like an "easy out".

Yikes.  

So yeah.  This was a good shake up to get me thinking about how these things can look instead, for the time being at least.

As was said in the meeting,

The why is more important than the what.

Check-in

With my in-laws visiting this week, things have been pretty busy.  This will just be a quick check in.

PU 6578

SU 6312

DMH 129

Bo Staff 126

AOK 137

Sparring 67

Looking Out

With my knee injury, I am shifting my focus to something that's been on my radar for quite some time, but that I've never really put to the forefront.  This is "looking out" rather than "looking in" with my forms.

This is part of feedback that was probably given to me a couple years ago already.  And is also directly related to feedback during my last belt evaluation.  Intensity.

I haven't gone too far with it yet, so not alot of crazy insights or discoveries quite yet, but here is what I'm noticing so far.  And some may not make sense to you....and to be honest, they aren't quite clear to me yet either.  Lol.

• It's not easy for me to look out beyond where I would imagine my "bubble of energy" is.  It almost feels like my mind leaves my body behind in a way.  I think I'm just vey internal with everything I do so it just feels a little foreign right now.
• I can see that, even though I was turning my head first, towards the next attack, I have never really been looking.
• With looking out, it does sort of feel like my power is going further with my strikes.  I don't mean reaching.  I don't think my physical reach has changed in any way.  It just feels like I'm going further for some reason.
• I feel somewhat more assertive.

This is where it is right now.  I'm hoping to make some more connections and develop this so it become the norm, and not something I have to really concentrate on.  

Also.  On another note.  Dan and I are heading to Golden tomorrow for a couple nights and we'll be walking with the wolves on Tuesday.  Very excited about that.

Black Monday

I realized that I haven't yet documented my injury, so here we go.

It was Monday's class, March 9.  We were working on Stick.  The first 2-3 reps I was challenging myself to do the 360 degree power of the instep at the end.  It was fine.  I wasn't making it the whole way, but I don't normally.  The next rep I recognized that I was getting fatigued.  So I decided not to do the turn, but just jump up and down.  And that's the one that did it.  I'm not sure if I was half thinking of the spin, half not...or what.  But when I landed, it felt like the lower part of my leg and the upper part shifted and overlapped at the knee.  It was quite painful initially, but I managed to breathe through it and crawl (like the wounded animal I was) to the side.  Immediately following, although I could weight bear, if I was at all slightly off centre, it felt like it wanted to give out on me.   I ended up going to the ER that night, just to make sure there was no obvious damage.  X-rays came back fine.  I also follow up with my GP, who is sending me for an ultrasound to start. However, both of them, and I believe too, that there isn't any extensive damage that will require anything other than time to heal.  It has not felt like it wants to give out for several days now.

I'm currently using a knee brace when doing anything in terms of training.  I am doing my best to be vigilant and cognizant of any twisting and turning...but of course I'm not perfect.  It's fairly easy to stay on task in my own training...easy on the stances, no kicking, no jumping, no pivots, etc, etc.  It's a bit harder when you're teaching as you can get caught up in the moment when your main focus is no longer just on yourself.  As I shared today in class, I tweaked it helping a student figure out her directions with the inside cyclone, spinning/flying outside cyclone, inside cyclone kick.  I know that you all immediately envisioned me ACTUALLY doing the kick...which prompted all the eyerolls 🤣, but I promise it wasn't even close.  Lol.  Having said that, even though I was trying to plant my feet and remain stable while I showed her the directions, I obviously crossed a line and ended up turning more than intended.  There wasn't any lasting pain, but I did hand over the rest of the class in order to avoid anything further.  See??  Smrt.  😉

I will expect this to happen once in a while as I move through this healing process.  Obviously, I don't want to go so far that I set myself back.  But I also don't want to be so scared to test my limits that I sit in my injury indefinitely.  And so that's the line I'm trying to maintain.

Having said all that, I have also been thinking alot about the things I can't do.  Things that I have in my mind that I'd like to...but just can't.  And we are always told to add that word YET.  I can't YET.  But is that truly realistic?  Does everything get a YET?  Or do some things just get the CAN'T?  Since my bad landing, I've been thinking that MAYBE a 360 power of the instep might be one of those things that I just accept is outside my realm of possibility.  I hate doing that...as I cringe to say can't or never...but at the same time...is it worth the risk?  Or maybe it's just a change of wording.  Maybe it's not that I take it off my radar because I can't...maybe I take it off because I shouldn't.  Hmm....I can't decide if that helps me feel better about it or not.

*SPOILERS* - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Writing Assignment

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig

Candidate writing assignment - Malinda Ferris

1. What is Zen?

I feel that zen is a state of mind.  A calmness or oneness with whatever you are doing and just being within that moment.  A feeling of content with where you are and what you are doing.

2. Explain and comment: The truth knocks on the door and you say, “Go away, I’m looking for the truth” and so it goes away.

I think this quote has a couple different meanings.  

For one, I think we tend to overthink or overanalyze…making things more complicated than they need to be.  So even if the truth is simple, we are unable to realize it’s simplicity.  

I also think we tend to look for answers (truths) that suit our own narrative.  We can often become ignorant of the real truth, or even unwilling to listen to other possibilities, because we want our thoughts and beliefs to be the “right” ones.  So we often end up waiting for that validation until it’s too late.

3. What is a Chautauqua?

From what I can find by looking it up (which I did when I first came across it in the book because I had never heard the term before) Chautauqua was originally a travelling movement in the US with speakers, teachers, musicians, entertainers, etc, that shared their teachings/knowledge/expertise with the communities they travelled through.

I believe that the author is using this as a way to describe the journey he is taking.  As he makes the journey, travelling place to place, he takes us with him, telling us his story and what he has learned.

4. Who is Phaedrus? (historically and in the book)

Historically speaking, Phaedrus was a student of Socrates, featured in Plato’s dialogue “Phaedrus”, where they discuss themes of love, rhetoric and the nature of the human soul.  In the book, Phaedrus is actually a pseudonym for Pirsig, his alter ego before he suffers a mental breakdown.  Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that “Phaedrus” caused his mental breakdown because of his obsession with defining quality.

5. What does Pirsig have to say about:

Dedication

Pirsig says that dedication isn’t necessary if you are truly confident in something.  

“You are never dedicated to something you have complete confidence in. No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They know it's going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kinds of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt.”

Kant

Pirsig discusses Immanuel Kant’s ideas about how we perceive reality. Kant separated the “thing-in-itself” (reality as it is) from how our minds structure and interpret it.
Pirsig builds on this, showing how our understanding of the world is partly constructed — which is why “Quality” exists before analysis.

Gumption

Gumption is the “enthusiasm, courage and initiative that make us want to start and complete a task or undertaking”.  If we lose our gumption, we lose motivation to keep going.  He warns against “gumption traps”, which are things like frustration, anxiety, impatience, or ego that drain our motivation and cause us to quit.

Perception

Perception isn’t just seeing; it’s interpreting what we see (or hear, smell, etc). We don’t perceive the world directly or truly— we see it through passive or immersive engagement which will change our perception of similar events. We are creators of our own perceptions and, from that, will create our own realities. 

Blockages 

Blockages occur when we let fear, impatience, or ego interrupt the natural flow of work.
For example, a mechanic (or martial artist) who’s frustrated stops listening to the machine (or the body).  Calm, mindful attention removes blockages.

6. What is the real University?

The “Real University” is a state of mind where rational thought, true learning, curiosity and integrity are what is important and not a physical building or teachers.

7. What is a priori?

A priori means “from before” and refers to truths known through logic rather than personal observation or experience.  For example, math rules are a priori — we don’t have to test them; we just learn and understand them. Pirsig questions whether “Quality” is something along these same lines.  Something we recognize instinctively before any analysis.

8. What is the difference between classical and romantic understanding?

Classical understanding focuses on structure, logic, and underlying systems (how things work).

Romantic understanding focuses on aesthetics, emotion, and immediate experience (how things feel).



Pirsig argues both are necessary for a full understanding of life.
In Kung Fu, classical is your technique and form; romantic is your flow and spirit.

9. What is the real purpose of the scientific method?

It’s not about collecting data; it’s about caring and paying close attention to reality to find truth.
 "Science is a disciplined form of curiosity".

10. What is “The Church of Reason”?

Pirsig uses this phrase to describe the formal, institutional world of academics, where reason is worshipped as absolute truth.  He criticizes it for losing touch with Quality — the human, moral, and intuitive side of learning.

11. What is Quality?

Quality is the main concept of the book.  It’s what makes something “good” before we can explain why.  It’s more of a feeling or a perception.  It often can’t even be defined.  You just know.  Phaedras’ decline in his mental health came from his obsession with defining quality.

12. Climbing a mountain as an analogy to learning Kung Fu

There are so many mountain analogies that can relate to Kung Fu!  One that I like, and that wasn’t the first to come to mind, is how from afar, before you start climbing, it’s just a mountain.  (JUST a mountain..lol).  You can make out the overall shape, colours of snow, forest…the more obvious details.  But once you start to climb, and the further you venture, the more amazing things you find.  It’s completely different than you first thought it would be.  In a good way.  Plants, animals, life.  Sights, sounds, smells.  From a distance you definitely don’t see these and if you’re just climbing to get to the top, you will likely miss them. The best way to approach climbing a mountain, and thus Kung Fu, is, yes, to work hard to get to the top.  But also to slow down and take your time. Even the smallest critter will have a lot to offer.

13. What is the difference between an ego climber and a selfless climber?

An ego climber is obsessed with reaching the goal.  Their focus is only on the final achievement.  They are driven by external praise and need everyone around them to see how far and fast they are climbing.  They are also easily frustrated by obstacles, challenges or setbacks.  I also think that often they do not care how they get to the top (whether it’s done purely or honestly) and only that they do.  I see them as making the climb alone, simply because they do not want to share the spotlight.  These kinds of people always feel a need to prove themselves.

The selfless climber enjoys the process, pays attention to the smallest details, and finds meaning in each step.  They are motivated by internal pride and satisfaction.  They happily climb with others and often assist others in gaining ground, pushing them ahead of themselves. They will cheer those on that might pass them along the way.  I like to think a selfless climber often takes breaks in the climb, simply to enjoy where they are for a time.

I think I have been both at times.

14. What is the difference between a good mechanic and a bad mechanic? 

A good mechanic cares about their work, listens to the machine, pays attention to detail, and works calmly.  A bad mechanic rushes, gets frustrated, and treats the work mechanically rather than mindfully.

15. What effect does “peace of mind” have on outcomes?

Peace of mind produces better results because it allows clarity, patience, and intuition to guide your actions.

16. What is the best way to teach Kung Fu?

Teach through leadership and experience, while also encouraging students to experiment, ask questions, and find other ways.  

Sharing wisdom and knowledge, but being humble in knowing that we never know it all and are always learning, even in teaching.

17. What is the best way to change the world?

Changing the world always starts with changing the individual.  If we start with improving ourselves, the change will ripple out. 

Some extra comments

I have to admit that in many places throughout this book, I found myself thinking...."Wait..what?  I'm lost."  So I don't claim to have "gotten" it in full.  Funny story actually....the copy I had was preowned.  The previous owner(s) did lots of hi-lighting of certain sections...none of which resonated with me at all.  I found lots of things throughout that I made note of, but it was funny how me, and this mystery reader, seemed to have completely different takes on the same book.  I'm also really happy I did this assignment.  The questions above helped me to think deeper into certain things that I may not have otherwise.

Good Sore

I haven't yet been successful at getting to 20 full pushups (from toes).  It's a number that I've always set in my mind that I want to reach as a base line. When I start to reach that number, I generally end up hurting myself (shoulders) and launch myself back to square one in trying to build that number up again.

At Saturday's class, when challenged with doing as many as we could...I didn't want to end up back at that point.  Not right at the start of the new year!!  So during these reps, I kept myself VERY mindful of only doing true full proper pushups.  I didn't want to sacrifice hurting myself for the sake of squeaking out a couple more with bad form.  When I speak of "true full proper" pushups I mean; a straight body, fully up and down, not rushing, even distribution on both sides, etc.  I ended up being able to do 13 of these.

What surprised me, the next day, was how sore I was!!  My shoulders, upper back and triceps were aching...after just one set of 13!!!  BUT....what I was also surprised, and pleased with, was that this was NOT injury.  This was soreness from hard work.  It was good positive feedback and an indicator that I was successful in maintaining proper form.  I stayed true to a "perfect" pushup and worked the right parts of my body...what a pushup is intended to work, rather than ending up with yet another injury through ego of trying to achieve a certain number.

To date, the majority of my pushup numbers are modifications.  I don't see this changing.  But what I AM going to change is my view of what a full pushup is, and stay true to that.  I will worry less about the number I am doing from my toes, and more about perfecting my form.  For instance, I could feel in that last rep on Saturday that I was starting to curve my body on lifting.  When I attempted to correct that, that's when I hit my max and dropped.  I could have continued with a few more, if I had sacrificed that form...but again, I knew what was in store if I did.  It's not just about being on my toes.  There's alot more to it. 

I know this all seems obvious.  But as with many things, a slight shift in perspective is all it takes to make a huge difference.

Kao Shi

Tomorrow morning will mark the first ever Kao Shi class.  I'm excited and curious to see how this will look.  I know from a distant vantage point that it will likely look pretty much the same.  

A group of like minded individuals pursuing mastery.

A set list of requirements intended to help get us there.

But I'm also excited for the different opportunities that a smaller group might allow.  I see alot of potential and I think there are many things we can do a little bit different as a smaller group.

I'll end this entry, and start my year, by publicy sharing with you my personal requirements.

• Hand Form - Da Mu Hsing
• Weapon Form - Stick (personal form)
• Weapon fight choreography with Toudai Vogt.
• Repetition log for all forms (mostly school forms but also a couple of mine that I find valuable.  Marked with asterisk).  The intent is to ensure everything is, at a bare minimum, being maintained.  Min 1 per week, each.
• Lao Gar
• 18 Temple Motions
• Long
• Hung
• Stick
• Broadsword
• Butterfly Swords
• Spear
• Kwan Dao*
• Dou Ti* (hand form)
• Fan*
• Awakening the Dragon
• Once a month baking/cooking with Emma and Nathan.
• Meditation - Min 5 times per week
• Stretching - yoga body hip opening stretching.  Min 5 times per week

Back To Tai Chi

With the changes to class structure and times in the new Kao Shi Intensive program,  I am able to accommodate getting back to the Tai Chi class.  Wooooo!!!

This week was my first class back and I was a little worried that I had left too much fall off my radar.  I was still practicing, but not the full long form, and not with consistency.  Overall I was really pleased how it all came (mostly) back.  I had to clarify a couple things...mostly with my left hand....but if I'm honest,  that left is always a problem in my Tai Chi....just a limp, wet noodle at times.  🙄

I had to laugh when half way in I was starting to sweat.  I have obviously not been working all those tiny little muscles enough.  And I felt really good dedicating that nice long session to energy work and really feeling the movements.  By the end of class my hands were vibrating.  In a good way!

So much good comes from the mingling of Tai Chi and our core classes.  And I'm so excited to be back.

"Basic" Slide-Stepping

Something I’ve been working on recently is maintaining my centre and staying grounded, specifically during transitions. The focus was initially within my forms, but thanks to Toudai Vogt, I eventually shifted my focus to slide-stepping.

At first, I didn’t think basic slide-stepping was something I needed to work on, because I didn’t believe I had any issues with it. Eventually, her persistence made me question whether I might be missing something—or at the very least, it inspired me to do some re-evaluating (which doesn’t hurt to do every now and again, even with the most “basic” things). And so I was pulled into this by Toudai Vogt, and I’m grateful for it.

Working on something as “simple” as slide-stepping in a bow stance has offered a lot of insight. During our training, I was challenged to focus on initiating the step with my back foot. Once I did that—and did it properly—I realized a whole bunch of things.

I’m first going to attempt to describe how I was slide-stepping versus the adjusted version. Bear with me, as feelings are very difficult to describe and convey in writing.

Previous method - My forward movement was being determined by my front leg. I’d describe it as having my front leg act as an anchor point while pulling everything forward (maybe even launching my weight forward as well), then stabilizing everything over that front leg, maintaining my centre there, and finally stepping forward.

Adjusted method - In this method, the movement is initiated by my back foot. I release my heel and push forward, with everything immediately shifting forward together over the front foot. Then I step forward.

I had to chuckle while writing this, because even the descriptions suit the methods themselves. The first is still a little confusing and unsure, while the adjusted version is simpler and smoother. Sorry for the tangent—I just thought that was funny.

Anyhow… moving on.

Once I felt the second way, I realized a few things:

• Although it was a very brief moment—a millisecond, really—I was definitely coming out of my centre. I was re-grounding very quickly and was fine again, but it was there. I didn’t even realize it existed until I experienced the movement without it.
• I wasn’t using my whole body to shift and transition. My back leg was basically dead weight, doing nothing. No wonder I needed a bit of a launch.
• That shift from the back is so important in maintaining my centre. The transition now feels smooth, and I feel grounded the entire way through.
• I’m pretty certain that before I was reaching forward with my toes, whereas now I’m stepping much more assuredly with my heel. The distance I’m traveling seems to be the same. I’m not saying heel versus toe is right or wrong, because I honestly don’t know—but in this case, stepping with my heel just feels more assured.
• I’ve applied this to my horse stance slide-stepping as well, and it seems to be making the same positive difference.
• I’m trying to apply this to my kicks, and so far I’m seeing a positive influence.

This isn’t mine quite yet. I still have to think about it while practicing, and I have to take my time. But it will be mine eventually. Like I said, I’m seeing so many other places where I can apply this and continue to progress with it.

Sifu Brinker has also challenged me to take it one step further and apply it to my hip. I haven’t quite figured that out yet—but the seed has been planted.

Just Not Sure

I was promoted on Monday for my 2nd Degree Brown.

It's been some time since I've had an official evaluation like that.  And it was good to have Sifu give me some really personal feedback.

The biggest of which comes down to intensity.  I think.  I've got the technical part of things figured out.  But I'm missing that piece of the puzzle that gives it real substance.  If someone were to watch me, right now, do my forms, kicks, whatever....their thought might be "that looks really good".  But what I want them to say is "Holy shit...I wouldn't want to get in her way".  This is something that's been described to me as meanness with control.  The "who's your daddy" concept.

I'm not sure how to tap into this within myself nor am I convinced it's something I have.  I want to have it.  But I'm not truly sure what "it" is or what "it" feels like.  

Having said that, I do have a plan of sorts.  I have a goal and a coach.  I just need to formulate the plan and then start taking acton.  I will define this better in the coming days/weeks.

On another note, I realized that today was my first, and only Brown Belt Class.  No class next weekend (long weekend) and no class on the 21st (banquet).  After that, it turns into the new Kao Shi (sp?) class.

#s

 

Don't Wait

It's been a rough go for me sticking to a regular schedule over the last bit.  Things just keep popping up, causing me to have to reschedule.  Just seems like one thing after another.

I even tried revamping my schedule altogether...and bam...another wrench.

Late Monday evening....with still some time before class...I found myself pondering not going.  The day had been a gong show.  I was tired.  Mentally exhausted.  But I made myself go.  I recognized that it wasn't that I couldn't go...I was just feeling tired and didn't want to go.  But I knew....I just knew...that if I chose not to go...come time for next class...something real would come up and I'd be missing again.

This is similar to that feeling of sudden motivation and drive when I CAN'T train.  Not training, not training...then suddenly an injury...and NOW I have this incredible desire.  And really, it's regret.  Regret that I didn't train when I was able.  Regret that I didn't get to class when I could have.

I don't want regret.  Not that I will ever eliminate it altogether.  But I think I'm pretty self aware.  I know when I can vs when I don't want to.  But if the choice is doing something today, even if I don't want to....or regretting not doing it, when one day I really can't...the choice is pretty clear.

So if I can, I will.

Numbers

 

Intentional Rest

This time off has been really beneficial.  It wasn't so much time needed for my body...but more for my mind.  My mind is always going.  I'm a planner.  And like to be organized.  So my mind is typically sorting  (and re-sorting as things change) everything from kids, to activities, to meals, to teaching, to the school...and everything else in between.  

So during this time off I sort of gave myself permission to just turn my brain off and take some time to rest.

That doesn't mean I just sat here staring at a wall.  I was still "active" but just in different ways than normal.  I did alot of puzzles, built alot of Lego (finished my Gringott's!!), played alot of games, and did alot of sitting by the fire with a tea....all with Dan and the kids.  And even though I had allowed myself the "time off" I still found myself thinking about my Kung Fu; worked in a couple trips to the Kwoon, some reps here and there, along with a few pushups and situps.  Not at all what our daily numbers require, but I also didn't wake up today thinking..."Holy Crap....I've done NOTHING in the last 2 weeks and didn't even realize it!"  

For me this was going to be a rest time where I intentionally removed any commitments, schedules or deadlines.  But even with that intention...my Kung Fu was still present and I still felt a desire to incorporate some training.  Not because I felt I had to...but because I wanted to.  And that makes me kinda happy.