LOL

I wanted to get these thoughts down before they no longer felt relevant.

As I mentioned, I have what some might call a dark sense of humour. There are people who wouldn't dare laugh or joke about certain things. I am not one of those people. I think that if you can find humour in the darkness...if you can laugh about the challenges you're facing...it lessens the influence those things have over you and makes it easier to see the good that still exists.

I don't have any mantras I repeat to myself, nor do I keep a gratitude journal. I absolutely believe those are worthwhile practices, but perhaps I simply take a different approach.

When things don't go as planned, I don't typically wallow in them. I might complain or sulk for a minute...sure, I'm human. But I also think that's an important step. You can't put your head in the sand and pretend things don't happen. When something negative occurs, it's important to recognize it, acknowledge how it made you feel, and, if possible, identify where things went wrong so you can learn from it.  In fact, I think that learning something from a negative experience immediately reduces its power. The moment there's a lesson to take away, it becomes something good.

People sometimes mistake this for positivity, but I don't think that's what it is. Bad things happen. Some days genuinely suck. The goal isn't to pretend otherwise. The goal is to acknowledge it, learn from it if possible, and then decide whether it deserves another hour, another day, or another week of my attention. To me, that's resilience...not the ability to avoid hardship, but the ability to keep moving forward without letting it consume you.

Using my kids as an example, a bad day might be caused by a combination of sleeping in, missing recess, and dropping a sandwich in the dirt. Individually, none of those things are a big deal. More importantly, many of them are things that can be controlled or avoided in the future. If sleeping in contributes to a bad day, stop sleeping in.  As humans, though, I think we often prefer to find causes for our discomfort that lie beyond our control. It feels better if it's not our fault. If the universe is somehow conspiring against us. Poor me.

I have people in my life who dwell on anything negative. They place a laser focus on every bad thing that crosses their path, even when it has little or nothing to do with them. Their neighbour down the block has a bike stolen, and somehow that event ruins their own day.  Don't get me wrong...we can (and should) absolutely have compassion and empathy for people experiencing hardship. We can reach out, support them, and help where we can. But I don't see the benefit of absorbing those hardships and carrying them as our own.  When I catch up with some people, everything at the forefront of their minds is every little thing that's gone wrong recently. Those are the stories they want to tell. Nothing positive. Nothing to balance the scales. No attempt to look on the bright side.

Honestly, I find that draining.  And sometimes they'll even become frustrated with me.

"How come you're not bothered by this?"

Sometimes it's because I genuinely don't see the significance. But even when I do recognize that something is significant, it's not that I don't care. It's not that I'm unaffected. It's that I choose not to let it consume me.  If it's something within my control, I'll make a plan and take action. If it's not, I'll offer support, empathy, or assistance where I can. Then I move on and shift my attention toward things that bring me joy.

Life is hard.

But it's also pretty funny.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I'm just at home, decompressing after another Tiger Challenge event.

As with any big event, once over, I always have this sense of melancholy.  And I usually overanalyze what I could have, or should have, done different.

There were some wins.  Laughs.  But also some losses.

I dropped my weapon.  Even more sadly in a section that hadn't even crossed my mind as a "problem area".  I chose to just continue, rather than starting over.  In the moment I was frazzled and shaken.  And for the remainder of my form I struggled to gain back any real control or flow, especially in my articulations.  I was so worried about another drop.  And so I definitely did not perform as I would have liked.  But I still think that once I develop some real confidence in my form, and nail down all the timing, it will be something that I am going to be proud of.  I also know exactly what went wrong.  I knew it in the moment, and also confirmed with a video that was taken.  I stepped too soon into that particular articulation.  It needs to happen fairly quickly, and I only have a small window to make it work properly.  And being in front of judges, I think I was rushing and getting ahead of myself.  So lesson learned.  I hope.

I also only made 3 of my 4 board breaks.  Again, I know exactly what went wrong.  I didn't give myself enough room for my final technique and I found myself pulling back, went I wanted to move forward.  I just remember turning and looking for the board, and instead of it being ahead of me, where I expected, it was immediately to my left...not where I expected.  I still hit the board dead center, but had lost the majority of my power in having to pull back.  I confirmed this with yet another video and I know what to fix.  

In terms of my knee...I survived without anything severe occurring.  So that's good!  But in all honesty, I know I pushed it in a few places where I maybe shouldn't have.  I had anticipated that though...knowing that in the moment, instinct could kick in.  It was a risk I was willing to take while also keeping things as controlled as I could throughout all the different events.  Having said that, I'm fairly sore this evening, but some ice and rest should do the trick.

Although a few things didn't go as planned, I'm still counting the tournament as a "win".  I had a blast with the fight choreography and am looking forward to fine tuning it.  We goofed with our team form, which was more amusing than anything else.  And for once, I got to see most of my kids events and was super proud of them both.  

Already looking forward to the next one.

(ps.  Dan made me put "Dear Blog" because he feels very strongly I should start all my blogs this way.)

T Minus 1 Week

As we near the Tiger Challenge I am honestly not feeling very confident. 😬

In part, it’s my knee. I keep pushing it a little more all the time, and I’m trying to get deeper in my stances as well as transition smoother when turning. During training I’m actually feeling pretty good and I’m not noticing anything especially concerning. But after each session it’s still quite sore, and I haven’t really noticed much improvement in that regard for some time.

I also know I’m not really supposed to be using my brace right now…but when training for more of a tournament setting, and especially with partners, there’s a bit more risk involved. If I have to react quickly or unexpectedly, I’d rather play it safe for the time being.

The other part is my bo staff. I’ve incorporated some different articulations throughout and I’m really struggling with timing. I’m confident that as the year progresses it’s going to come together and turn out pretty cool. But right now? …it’s pretty glitchy.

What I’m finding is that my progress feels really lopsided. As I get better...and faster...with the articulations, I then have to completely readjust my timing with stepping, transitions, and final techniques. It feels like a never-ending battle because every improvement in one area shifts the rhythm of everything else.

At the same time, I know this is kind of what happens when you’re refining and integrating new components, instead of just polishing something you're already comfortable with.  I already have a vision of what the form could become later in the year, which I think is part of why the glitches stand out so much to me right now.

So yeah.  All in all, I don’t really feel ready.  Not for lack of effort...or want...I don’t think.  More because I’m working on things that simply need more time and repetition before everything aligns.

S-M-R-T

So an update on my knee.

I originally injured myself March 9.  Then re-hurt myself over spring break, on April 2.  So we are a couple days shy of 9 weeks.

There has definitely been progress with my healing.  I finally had my ultrasound on April 28.  It apparently showed a significant sprain along with plenty of fluid yet (ie. swelling).  The doctor seems happy with my progress.  If something goes sideways at all, we will follow up with an MRI.  But at this time, he doesn't feel that step is necessary.  I'm working with my chiropractor on rehab and exercises and feel confident in her hands.

Now, having said all that, I do see that it is still going to be some time before I am "back to normal".  I'm still on orders to avoid pivoting or twisting on that knee.  Which means it can't be trusted as my base leg when kicking with my left.  I've also experienced some "slipping" or "locking" (depending on how you want to describe it) when I attempt to kick with my injured leg.  So I'm being pretty careful (and hesitant) with that leg as well.  So really, all kicking is a no go at this time.

I have started doing some jumping exercises, with the guidance of my chiropractor.  Mostly double leg.  And those are feeling pretty good.  I've also started jumping from my right, to a 2 foot landing.  I haven't been able to bring myself to the next level....starting with a 2 foot jump and landing on my right.  I'm finding myself just too gun shy.

In preparation for the Tiger Challenge, I only just realized about 1 1/2 weeks ago that I won't be able to spar.  It never really dawned on me, but I need to avoid anything "reactive".  It's one thing to be on the bag, where I'm in control.  But if I have to react quickly to an opponent, that puts me at risk.  Do I love sparring?...no.  But I do like to push myself outside my comfort zone....and I don't like not having the option.

I also will have to avoid the board breaking.  Upper body is good, but again, risking re-injury with pivoting or kicking too soon isn't the smart decision.  It's also not the fun decision, but here we are.

So that's the update on all the technical info part of things.  On to how I'm actually feeling.

For the most part I'm good.  Walking, forms, etc. are good for the most part.  I do have pain when lifting for too long and my muscles are engaged (think crane).  It also hurts significantly when turned out (think stretching with one leg out and the other bent in...not sure what that ones called).  And pain again if I'm forcing a bend (like when bowing in/out).  I also definitely feel it when I've worked myself fairly hard.  So after doing several form reps and trying to deepen my stances....there is definitely pain and soreness.

I do realize that I have to pay close attention.  And I know this may be a slower recovery than I'd like, but I also want to keep moving forward.  I don't want to use injury as a reason to do nothing.  So I'm trying to find that balance of pushing...but being smart about it.

Counting Sheep

And another sleep blog!!!

I did some research myself and found alot of the same things that Sihing Bauer already covered, so I won't go into a bunch of detail with most of them, but will still list the major ones I found.  I will also comment on my current status with these things and whether or not they will be things that I might try.  I'm gonna be honest...there are certain ones that I'm just not interested in because it would be negative for something else that I think is important.

1. Lock in a consistent bedtime - ugh.  So tough to stay consistent when every day of the week is different.

2. Control your light (this is apparently a really huge factor)

• Morning: get natural light within 30–60 minutes of waking (even 5–10 minutes helps in Alberta) - this is something I could definitely incorporate better.
• Night: dim lights 1–2 hours before bed - 1-2 hours???  Am I supposed to just sit in the dark awake???  This is the perfect scenario for being tempted into turning on a screen!!!  lol
• Avoid screens or use blue-light filters late at night - this is a tough one when one of my favourite times is just being quiet with Dan watching a show.  I also tend to do alot of computer work in the evening when others are in bed.  For instance...blogging....I just looked at the clock and it's 9:37pm as I'm preparing to post this.  Lol.

3. Build a “wind-down” routine - another tricky one just because every night is just so different.

4. Keep your room sleep-friendly - this is pretty good for me.  I have blackout curtains and whitenoise already.  And a fan blowing on me to stay cool.  

5. Watch caffeine timing - not an issue.  I don't have coffee typically passed about 10-11am.

6. Don’t go to bed “wired” or stressed - okay.  This is a major one for me.  If there is anything going on that I haven't been able to resolve...conflicts, deadlines, surprise financial burdens, issues the kids are having, etc......I go through it over and over in my head trying to solve everything all at once.  A couple suggestions I found were,

• Write down tomorrow’s to-do list
• Do a brain dump journal

These could work.  Often, if I have a plan, any kind of plan, I feel better about things.

7. Use your bed only for sleep - truth time.....this isn't going to happen.  One of my favourite things is sneaking away from the kids with Dan and lying in bed and watching our current favourite series while we wind down.  When he's on shift, I normally don't see him until I get home from classes. So this is really important time for me.

8. Get some exercise during the day - but avoid right before bed.  You got it!!  lol

9. Be careful with naps - I haven't been able to nap since before having kids....so not a normal issue for me.

10. Don’t force sleep - If you’re lying awake for ~20 minutes, get up, do something low-light and boring, then come back. This prevents your brain from linking bed with frustration.**I thought this one was interesting.  There are times that I will lie awake for quite some time before falling asleep.  Also times where I wake up and lay there for 1-2 hours.  I've always told myself NOT to get out of bed because I thought that would make it worse.  But this might be something new to try!!

There were also a few on Sihing's list that are different than the list I came up with.  A couple that I really like are,

• the cluttered environment.  This is true for me but never made the connection!!  I always feel more relaxed and better ready to sleep after I've just done a really good clean/organize of my room.
• establish a wake-up routine.  Never even dawned on me that this could be part of it all.

Now, having said all this, there are also some things I liked, and absolutely agree with, from Todai Vogt's blog.  For one, I agree about food.  I definitely need to eat when I get home from classes.  And that means 8-9pm.  I can't eat before or it sits there in my stomach bouncing around and just makes me feel gross and brutal.  BUT I can definitely be better at WHAT I'm eating.  That's more the problem for me than the eating itself.  As mentioned, a bag of Maltesers and hobo nachos probably isn't the best supper...nevermind that kind of food coming right before bed. 

I'm also 100% in agreement that there is a huge sleep change after having kids.  And I don't just mean lack of sleep.  I'm not sure if it's just a mom thing.  I know Dan doesn't experience the same thing.  But ever since having kids, it's very rare that I truly feel asleep.  I'm not saying never.  But I would venture a guess that 95% of the time, even though I might be "asleep", I am still aware.  Always with some part of me awake, watching and ready to react when needed.  Even as the kids grow older, it remains.  And so I thought I'd look it up.

It's apparently something called “maternal hypervigilance” and is very common.  After becoming a mom, your brain literally rewires to be more alert...especially during sleep.  Research shows changes in areas of the brain tied to threat detection and responsiveness.  So instead of fully “switching off,” your brain stays in a lighter, more responsive sleep state.  Some of the "symptoms" of this are,

• Waking up at the slightest sound
• Feeling like you’re “on duty” even while asleep
• Trouble dropping into deep sleep
• Being aware of your surroundings all night

It’s basically your nervous system saying “always be ready”.  For some moms, myself included, this never fully corrects itself for few reasons:

• Habit + conditioning (you’ve practiced being “on alert” for a long time)
• Stress load (busy life, responsibilities, etc.)
• Nervous system staying slightly activated

This is very different from something like insomnia where people often can’t sleep at all. 

Some things that they say can help to gently retrain your nervous system are,

• don’t fight it—you need to teach your body it’s safe to power down again.
• perform some deliberate safety checks before bed (Lock doors, check kids, then your brain can be certain that everything is handled)
• Heavier sensory input (weighted blanket, deeper pressure, or even a firm mattress) which can help your nervous system settle
• Longer exhale breathing (in 4, out 6–8), directly calming that alert state
• Magnesium glycinate (if you’re open to supplements)
• Let someone else “be on duty” sometimes

Very interesting.  And I can't believe this is the first time I actually looked this up.  I was probably just too tired. 🤣