Avery

Over the years, I've found myself sharing parts of my life publicly that many people would choose to keep private.  I'm not entirely sure why, and I don't think one way is more "right" than the other.  It's never about sympathy or wanting others to fix anything.  I have simply come to believe there's value in being open and honest and raw about the journey, especially the most difficult parts.  This is where I am right now.

I've written about Avery in the past. She's been a big part of my life... even with my Kung Fu and chi work.  This is not a blog I want to write, but I also feel I need to. 

She came to me 15 years ago during a really difficult time.  I had a miscarriage, and although I didn't realize it at the time, I was pretty depressed afterward.  Avery was the one who pulled me back.

We had fostered for SCARS for a couple of years by that point and had several dogs pass through our home, as well as met many, many more at various events.  We always said we wouldn't adopt because that meant we wouldn't be able to foster anymore.  But then, when I was at an adoption event for our current foster, I saw Avery and, without hesitation, she came home with me.

I've always described her as my soul mate.  We knew each other from the beginning.  We had a connection... which is so hard to explain... but so simple and obvious to me.

Her physical health started to fail a few years ago.  We've done anything and everything we could, and she always seemed to pull through.  But over the last couple of weeks, it became apparent that things were getting worse.  She was having a much harder time getting up and lying down.  She was pacing and panting, I believe because she was becoming so uncomfortable she didn't know what else to do.  She came to me often, obviously anxious, reaching out for help and comfort.  And there was nothing I could do for her.

We had gone to the vet and had increased her pain medication as much as we could.  In the back of my mind, I was worried and scared.  But I hoped it would pass.

She eventually started to stumble and lose most of her control, and just the way she walked and stood had changed.  And I knew this wasn't going to pass.

Thursday night, without even really speaking about it, Dan and I both knew it was her time.  And after two weeks of her pacing, restlessness, and being unable to settle down or be comfortable, once the decision had been made, she lay down and slept.  The whole house suddenly seemed peaceful and calm.  It was as if she had finally gotten the message across and was able to rest.

I stayed up with her that whole night.  She slept, and I lay beside her, knowing we didn't have much more time together.

I called in the morning to make arrangements for that afternoon.  We spent most of the day just sitting quietly or going for some last walks together.  And, of course, sitting under her favourite tree where she'd always get so sappy that I thought for sure the vet would think she was neglected.

It really was a perfect day.

When it neared the time to go, and I was getting a few things ready, she stood up, tail wagging, and went to the van.  She even tried to get in when I was closing the door, looking at me, confused.  Dan told me later that she stood there beside the van waiting for me to come back and even nudged the door a couple of times.  It was like she knew.  And she was ready, eager even, to get going.

The entire ride there, and leading right up to the final goodbye, she had her smiling face on... one we knew well, but hadn't seen in some time.  She was ready to go.

I really believe she was telling us something as she worsened.  And I really believe that once we listened and made the decision, she was finally able to relax.  And I really do believe she was ready to go.

And although this gives me some comfort in knowing that this was the right decision, and I'm so glad that she seemed ready... I was not.  I am not.

I'm trying to remember gratitude for the 15 years I got with her.  I really am.  That's a lot of years for a dog, and I know we were extremely lucky to have that time with her.

But honestly, right now, I'm just lost and broken and sad.

And I just miss her.

Push-ups

So this topic probably fits into both a secret shame and self-sabotage: push-ups.

Now, my numbers themselves aren’t all that bad. I fell behind quite a bit when I hurt my back, but all in all they’re decent. So why am I choosing push-ups for this blog?

Well… if I’m really honest with myself, I think I take the easy way out when it comes to them.

Now, having said that, my shoulders and I have been through our share of ups and downs over the years. I know that if I really start pushing toward 20 consecutive full push-ups, it never seems to fail—I end up hurting my shoulders. Then I have to back off, let them recover, and slowly build myself back up again.

But… if I’m really honest, I also tend to avoid full push-ups more than I probably need to.

I’m absolutely capable of doing at least a few before switching to modified. They’re just slower. I struggle with them. And maybe I don’t really want anyone else to see that. Or know that. I don’t know.

So yeah… push-ups are probably one of my secret shames.

I don’t really want to admit to anyone how hard they are for me. But even more than that, I don’t want people to know how often I try to avoid them. And that’s really where the self-sabotage comes in.

Every time I choose the easier version before I’ve actually challenged myself, I’m making it easier to stay exactly where I am. I’m protecting myself from struggling in front of other people, but I’m also getting in the way of my own progress.

Maybe that’s the real lesson here. It’s not really about push-ups. It’s about being willing to struggle, even when other people might see it.

Accountability

It was back to "normal" this week.

Classes, teaching, daily responsibilities, and everything else that had been set aside for a while are now back at the forefront.

One thing that was a little different this week was bringing Sihing Ward into our fight choreography training. We've asked him to coach us, and we had our first session yesterday. We covered a lot of ground, and both Laura and I came away with things to practice before we meet again.

I'm sure you're all aware that Laura and I didn't develop our fight choreography just for the Tiger Challenge. It also serves as one of our personal requirements. The intention is to continue working on it throughout the year and, hopefully, have it polished and performance-ready for the New Year's Banquet.

This requirement isn't just about creating something cool. It's also a way to keep me engaged and accountable. It's really hard to fall off the wagon when you know someone is counting on you in a very specific and tangible way. This one single requirement has become a huge part of my motivation and, ultimately, my success. 

Family

I've had the last 1 1/2 weeks "off" to visit with a whole bunch of family that gathered at our place.  It was filled with lots of fun and re-connection.  The last of my guests left today, and the house is very quiet.  

I managed to fit in a few reps of this and that, but not even close to the daily requirements.  

But honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.  I didn't watch a single second of tv, nor did I do any doom scrolling.  Every moment was spent with family.

On another note, I have my MRI booked for August 28.  I was surprised, and grateful, that I was able to get in so quickly.

Injury Update

A bit of an update on the injuries I'm dealing with at the moment.

I've mostly recovered from my back injury.  I've been spending a lot of time with my chiropractor.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a bridesmaid at this point.  Lol.

There's still some tension remaining when I bend or lift, but she thinks that may be lingering because of my knee.  Her opinion is that the back injury itself had a lot to do with my back compensating far more than I realized over the last few months, and it finally just had enough.  So I'm doing lots of back and core exercises to help it heal and build the strength it needs to handle the extra load while I continue navigating the knee issues.

Now for the knee.

The injury initially happened on March 9.  By the beginning of June, about three months in, I started expressing concern that we'd hit a standstill with recovery.  I was still getting the occasional "slipping" sensation, still had noticeable inflammation that prevented me from fully bending the knee, and continued to have pain along the inside of the joint whenever I did lateral movements (think sitting in a butterfly stretch) or any movement where the muscles and connective tissues had to engage and stabilize the knee (think holding a crane stance).

My chiropractor suggested I see a physiotherapist because she was starting to think there might be something more going on than just a severe sprain.  Long story short, he ran me through several tests, and it was his opinion that I may have torn my ACL and/or have damage to my meniscus.  He referred me to a Sports Medicine Physician, whom I saw on Tuesday.  She repeated many of the same tests but took them quite a bit further.  I definitely did not enjoy some of the manipulations she put my knee through, and several of them were quite painful.  She agrees with the physiotherapist and has ordered an MRI.  One of her biggest concerns is that, with my good knee, although there's a lot of movement available, there's still a definite stopping point to how far she can push it.  My injured knee doesn't have that same firm endpoint, which suggests there's likely damage to one or more of the structures that normally provide stability.

For now, I'm supposed to continue avoiding any pivots, twisting or jumping on that leg and keep my movements as controlled as possible.  She also wants me wearing a knee brace anytime I'm doing anything more physical than simply walking around.

So, if any of you have experience with knee braces, I'd love to hear your recommendations.  Right now I'm wearing a fairly basic slip-on brace with a couple of Velcro straps.  If there are better options that still strike a good balance between support and comfort...comfortable enough that I'll actually wear them...I'd really appreciate your suggestions.

The other thing I need to figure out is how to keep moving forward with some of the requirements for this year.

For example, my five applications.  I had them all worked out, but I haven't been practicing them because I've been waiting to get better so I could perform them as they were originally intended.  In my defense, based on what we knew at the time, we didn't think this was anything overly serious, it just needed time to heal.  With the new information, though, I have to accept that my current physical limitations may be my reality for quite some time.  Rather than continuing to wait, I think the better approach is to analyze each application, identify the sections that carry too much risk, and modify them so I can continue progressing safely.  I may even have to scrap parts of some applications and rebuild them from scratch.

Although I've still been training, still working hard....I feel like I've mostly been holding steady...and not really making progress.  I need to start moving forward again, injury and all.