The Plan Remains The Same

I saw the surgeon yesterday.  Ultimately the decision to have, or not have surgery, is up to me.  But I honestly didn't get the impression that the surgeon felt I was a good candidate.  What I heard was that the benefits of surgery, versus the difficulty of the process, would not be very much gained.  She is, of course, basing this on me specifically and comparing it to what I am still doing right now.  If I were completely off the mats, she'd likely be thinking differently.  But she seems to think that I have done quite well in continuing my training.  She admitted she wasn't familiar with Kung Fu, but was pleased to hear that Kung Fu carries on, injury or not. Grading, teaching, training...everything still moves forward.  No matter what, my jumping days are over.  Even with a new knee, she said that if I kept that up, I'd just tear the new one.  Especially because of my personal physical structure.  I have loose knees and my flat feet turn them inwards naturally.  So this injury was only a matter of time.  The only thing I might gain from surgery is the pivoting on the damaged leg.  However, she didn't seem to think that was off the table altogether anyways.  She thinks that between a good knee brace and rehab work, I might be able to improve to a degree that I'm happy with.  All of this work will still be needed if I go surgery route...PLUS the additional surgery, recovery, etc.  I just didn't get the impression that she felt surgery would give me much more than I could get with some hard work on my own.  Running, kicking, sparring, etc...she seemed to think these are all possible again without surgery.

Having said all that, I also do think they present surgery in such a way that it really makes you think about it.  The recovery will be difficult.  Both physically and mentally.  There is a high risk of depression during this period.  Her opinion was that this recovery would be much longer and much more difficult than my foot surgery.  For my foot they said a year before I'd be back to 100%.  It was more like 2 years.  For this one they are saying 18 months...which may mean alot longer.  And I remember the recovery with my foot being difficult.  I've said over and over that unless my other foot REALLY started causing pain...there's no way I'd do it again.

Because I just picked my brace up on Monday, she has recommended that I use it for a while and see what more I am able to do.  She even wants me to try some "light" pivoting on that knee, and some kicking with impact....very light to start.  I'm not going to do this here in the next month.  Possibly not even leading up to the banquet.  I don't want to risk making anything worse between now and then.

And now on to the injury that is actually causing me significant pain and discomfort at the moment.  My shoulder.  It still hasn't healed.  But honestly, how can it with everything I'm trying to do.  I did go see the doctor.  He's not concerned about a tear at this point.  Although he also wasn't concerned about a tear with my knee and we know how that's turned out.  He said it can take upward of 3 months for it to be feeling better.  I'm at about 2 right now.  But of course, that estimation is assuming that I am resting it.  I'm not supposed to be doing anything shoulder related, other than my exercises.  But that's just impossible and I don't really see it as an option right now.  I am trying to alleviate as much as I can (I've even modified my staff form and removed a couple of the most aggravating articulations) but it's just constantly getting re-tweaked...often with just simple day to day activities.

Obviously the timing of all this could be better.  I've done pretty well managing it to this point.  But as I near grading it's starting to weigh on me mentally.  Rationally, I know there is still alot of Kung Fu I am doing, and alot I will be asked to present.  But when it comes to the fitness test specifically, I'm just feeling so useless.  And to walk out of grading day with a big fat 0 on that part feels...for lack of a better descriptor....really shitty.  I've worked really hard to get here, and at the end of the day I want to feel like I've earned it.  I have no doubt that the Master Instructors will challenge me appropriately, regardless of my injuries.  I suppose that's always the case with Kung Fu though.  There's always some sort of challenge that we're facing.  I just wish I was feeling a little more confident in what I'm actually doing right now.  And I know I'm probably being harder on myself than I need to be.  If one of my students, or fellow training mates, were in this position, I'd be telling them to focus on what they CAN do, rather than everything they can't.  But that's advice that's easier to give than to take.  I guess what I'm really struggling with is accepting how different grading is going to look than I had imagined, and whether I'll be able to feel good about what I do manage to put forward.   

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this.  I woke up with some serious shoulder pain,  so maybe I'm just feeling extra frustrated today.  For now I'll just keep doing what I've been doing and hope that I can find a way to be satisfied with that.  My plan all along, injured or not, was to put everything out on the table for my grading...whether that was a whole year, or a single day.  And that hasn't changed.