Since having kids I have developed some very unhealthy, debilitating fear around the topic of death. I'm not scared of dying. I'm not scared of the actual moment of death. I'm not scared of pain. My main fear of "death" stems from no longer being connected to the people I love in the way we are able to connect as human beings.
I believe the Buddhist ideals of "no birth" and "no death". I believe that what we see as birth and death are just manifestations from one form to another. Prior to "birth" we existed...just in a different form. After "death" we will still exist...just in a different form. This makes sense to me.
What I struggle with is the loss of everything that comes with being in this human form. Talking. Laughing. Touching. Holding. Those things will no longer be. And the biggest loss that truly causes me anxiety is the Memory. Not remembering my kids. Not remembering my loved ones. Not remembering all the beautiful experiences I've had in this life. That's what sends me into a panic....literally. In the life I am leading right now, I certainly don't have any memories before my birth. So I have no expectations of taking these memories with me when I leave this life. And this is what I struggle with. This is what causes me fear and panic.
Where will my memories go? I want to keep them always. And I cannot. That is my fear.
I am definitely on the same page as you on this. Something that gives me comfort is the concept of 'interbeing'. I know that this meat sack that everyone calls 'Jeff' is not permanent, in fact it is not the even the same meat sack that it was a year ago. All of 'me' has pretty much died and been replaced. I also know that I am the sum of all my parts. This molecule, that element, etc. If you take one away, I am not the same. In fact, my very existence is not real - at least in the sense that we look at 'Jeff' when you break it down that far.
ReplyDeleteThis interbeing also depends upon everything else that had to happen and exist to make me manifest in this form. It is very enlightening when I break things down that far and also very lightening for my spirit.
Maybe when we talk in person sometime in the future I will share with you my Mozart theory when it comes to interbeing and our continuance.