I'm not sure how Kung Fu related this is. But, in the moment, I did find myself thinking about how I should react in a way befitting a student of SRKF so I think it might be valid when dealing with de-escalating situations, reading people, egos, confidence, etc.
I had an argument with a friend recently.
The basis of the argument was that I advocated for my children over a safety concern regarding busing. Me advocating for my children would possibly mean changes for hers. I acknowledged that from the start and knew it would be a point of contention. But I decided to reach out to her to let her know that I was looking into a change because of my concerns. I didn't want her to be blindsided later and feel as if I tried to sneak behind her back.
Her reaction was extreme, to say the least. She was not open to a discussion.
I recognized immediately that no good would come from arguing with her. Long story short, I was able to dissolve the situation by letting her know that my intention was not to start a feud, and that my goal would be to sort this out without her being affected.
We chatted a bit more about "happier" topics....said our sorrys for the argument as a whole, and carried on.
The very next day I no longer felt good about how it ended. I would describe the feeling as regret. Although I did not concede my overall opinion on the matter....I felt regret about not defending my stance more. She came at me with points which I could have disputed or proven false. But as I said, at the time, I did not think arguing would help anything. So instead of defending myself more, I found myself taking a very soft approach. Listening more than talking. I chose not to point my finger back in an attempt to "prove her wrong". Initially I felt good about this approach. But now I feel like I just rolled over and let her have her way...or at least I think that's how SHE saw the outcome.
I don't know why this bothers me so much. Why do I care if she thinks she "won"? Or is this more about me feeling like I "lost"? Is this my ego needing checking? Is this a confidence issue? I haven't quite figured it out yet. But I do know I'd like to know how to handle these types of interactions better so I don't come out the other end feeling beaten down.
This is always a problem when it comes to conflict. Sometimes you get what you want at a cost you regret having to pay and other times you compromise what you want just to keep the peace. Neither is acceptable in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteEverything is further complicated by people's tendency to polarize their opinions quickly and without facts. I see more and more people more concerned about getting their way than gathering more facts. As you said, it can be more about winning than being right.
For me, it always comes down to respect. I never shy away from conflict. I embrace it and try to resolve it. (Avoidance is never a viable strategy) I try to present myself in such a way that I may not be liked but I will at least be respected for how I presented my case. With this in mind, I always ask myself "how are these words going to serve me and my goals?" before I speak.
I keep my mind open so that there is always room for change up there. As long as changing my mind is possible, my ego is never in my way.