Becoming Better

I really want to be a better teacher.

One of the hardest parts about teaching, for me, is understanding the questions posed, and being able to formulate an accurate and helpful answer right in that moment.

Oftentimes I will come home wishing I had done better in various teaching moments.  Questioning myself and analyzing the interaction to see where I failed and how I could have done better.

I wish I had answered that better.  I should have said [this], not [that].

Did I even understand the question?

Am I confident my answer made sense to the student?

Was my answer even correct?  Thinking about it now, I don't even think I know the right answer.

And these are usually followed by,

I feel like a fraud.

I don't think I'm qualified to be teaching these kids.

And then the anxiety comes and I really start to question my own understanding of everything.

But the way I see it, there are two options.

1. Let myself me pulled into the abyss of "I suck".

Or,

2. Use these opportunities to actually become a better teacher.

If I feel I should have answered something differently, I need to figure out how I could have been more clear and be ready for it the next time.  If I don't feel like I understood the question, perhaps I need to work on my listening.  Or maybe a good strategy would be to invite other instructors present to offer their interpretations as well.  There's a good chance we are all hearing the same question a little differently.  And if I think I might not have answered it correctly, and am questioning my own understanding of the subject, this is probably an excellent opportunity to reach out to my own instructors and work on my own training.  Solidify my own understanding so that I'm more confident.

Every time a student asks a question, I have an opportunity to learn.  And ultimately that will make me a better teacher.

Nailed It

I attempted to make some SRKF ornaments.  I was going for a "snowy" kind of finish.

I think I nailed it....not 🤦‍♀️😭

This reminds me of those cakes people try to make.

HOWEVER, I definitely learned some things with this and have some ideas on what to try next.  My result was not what I wanted, but the effort was not wasted.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 32492
Situps = 32467
Kwan Dao = 700
Tai Chi Short = 732
Sparring = 657
Km's = 1353
AOKs = 913

Can But Shouldn't

I wasn't really supposed to be lion dancing the other day.  😬

It was recommended that I take a bit of a step back from the things that seem to continue to aggravate my foot.  Yes I want to push on and push through, but I also don't want to impede the healing so much that I actually end up causing long term damage that prevents me from recovering to the fullest degree possible.

Exercises, drills or techniques involving the ball of my foot, or that are full weight bearing on the one foot, or jumping or pivoting, all seem to be the ones that aggravate it in an extreme way.  So even things like cat stance with all the weight on that one side, or open X with the twist and pressure on the ball, impact from kicking, unicorn stepping, etc.  It's okay here and there, I think, to do these things, but when it's rep after rep, I can start to see and feel the swelling.  To the point that it's taking quite a long time to settle down.  The norm has been to aggravate it starting Monday, and not stop until the weekend.  Then, when it starts to feel a little better by Sunday, I start all over.  It was also pointed out that I still seem to be compensating on the outside of my foot (Thank-you Todai Bauer!).  Which would make sense at the initial stages.  Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to put alot of weight on the surgery side when I started walking again.  But over time, this might have become a bit of a habit.  This uneven distribution could also be a contributing factor in not getting that toe to the ground yet and still having balance issues...and maybe even to the continued aggravation.  Who knows.  But having said that, when I try to correct this, I can see that I need to consciously and actively think about distributing that weight properly.  It's going to take thought and practice to correct that to the point it becomes the norm again.  And if I'm "trying to keep up with the Jones'" in class, I immediately fall back to the habit I seem to have formed, because that's how I've become accustomed to doing it. And I don't think that will do me any favours in the long run.

I know that in recovery we want to push ourselves.  If we don't, we will never get to that next level.  But there is something to be said for finding a balance.  Push until you see signs of "distress" so to speak.  So maybe minor swelling, discomfort, soreness.  These are all things to be expected.  But when you hit that, pull back just a bit and see what happens there. Once you can maintain that level without the "distress", or if you see some progress, then start pushing further again.  And so on.

But to be honest, my recovery strategy has been "if I can physically do it, then just do it".  Regardless of whether it causes excessive swelling and discomfort.  Regardless of whether I stop seeing improvement.  Regardless if I feel like I've actually regressed back to the early stages of recovery.  And I do also understand that there will be ups and downs with progress.  But when regression lasts for an extended period of time, I don't think that's a good sign.  I think rather, it's a sign that I'm maybe doing too much too fast.

And so I had decided I was going to minimize impact to my foot for a while and see if I might see that initial progress return.  But then we started unicorn stepping, and to be frank, I feel like an idiot removing myself from the group.  I have a fear that my recovery will end up an excuse to not do certain things.  Or even worse (in my head) that those around me will think it's an excuse.

There will be things I can do, but probably shouldn't.  And I know I need to check my ego at the door and make some smarter choices.  But I am finding this really, really difficult.

Connecting With My Past

I took the kids to see Grandma for Fall Break.

Whenever I make this trip back to my hometown, I'm always hesitant to venture out.  I always fear I will run into someone from high school.  My high school years are not ones I look back on fondly.  I wish I had been better as a young person.  To clarify, I wasn't a terrible person.  I wasn't mean or a bully or anything.  In fact, I can recall one incident where I went face to face with the the "bully" of my time after he sent a girl crying to the bathroom.  Well, not really "face to face"....more like "my face to his chest".  I remember him knocking my books to the ground when I called him out, but I stood my ground.  First and only time I ever made a visit to the principal's office.  So no, I was a "good" kid.  But I certainly lived a life of mediocrity, wasting so much time...and worse yet, wasting so much potential.  Perhaps that's a common thing with most teens.  But today, I can't help but feel somewhat embarrassed by who I was.  And so I always find it awkward to see people from that time.

This trip was different.  This was the first time I've run into some old acquaintances, and not only did I not feel awkward and uncomfortable...but I actually found the interactions pleasant and nostalgic.  

So why is this?  Why the difference?

The only thing I can think of is that I've changed over the last few years.  I'm in a place where I'm confident of not only who I am, but how I got here. I feel good about the life I’m living and, regardless of what choices I made "yesterday", I am trying to make better ones "today". I think I can look at my past now, own the things I did (or didn't do) and not be so hard on myself.  Realistically, it all led me here.  So perhaps that means I did exactly what I was supposed to.  And without that nagging feeling of regret, I also no longer feel the embarrassment.  And I'm pretty certain this growth has happened because of my Kung fu and the I Ho Chuan.

On top of this, this trip would also see me doing a "meet and greet" at my hometown library to showcase my pottery and my book.  I did this for my mom.  And just like running into old acquaintances from high school, I feared who would end up coming.  Or worse, maybe nobody would.  I always felt like an outcast growing up.  My brothers and sisters were in the hockey community.  Which at that time felt like the only community there was.  And I was not a part of that.  And so I always felt like the black sheep.  Like nobody even knew who I was or that I even existed.

Twenty seven people ended up coming.  This might not sound like a lot, but this is a very small town.  Downtown was basically hoppin'.  lol.  Two of the attendees were some very close old friends that I hadn't seen in a a very long time.  I hadn't told anyone about it.  So everyone that came was there by choice.  And every single one was interested in where I was and what I was doing.  During my talk, many people brought up how they remembered me doing this, or that and how my interest in art and creating was evident even then.  Things that I hadn't thought about or remembered for a very long time.  But things that they saw and remembered.  And I felt very connected, both with this group and with my past.  And I found myself repeating words we've heard before.  The fact that I was there, with all of those people in that given moment was a miracle.

This particular trip home was really valuable and I feel changed because of it.

So Many Front Thrust Kicks

This week really pushed me.

My foot recovery has felt like it's regressed a bit over the last few weeks.  More swelling again.  Some soreness.  Toe lifting more than it had been.  In fact, there were a couple moments a while ago that I had felt it touch the ground while walking!...but that feeling was fleeting.

As I watched the Level 1 class do the circuit on Wednesday, knowing that Level 2 would be doing the same, I wondered how I was going to participate.  There was ALOT of front thrust kicks on bags, which I haven't been doing.  There was also lateral jumps over the pads, which made me anxious....and not just because they're exhausting.

I'm not scared to break my foot.  According to the surgeon at 3 months post-op, my bones and the screws in there are sound.  The challenges I continue to face is the flexibility in my toes (ie, my ability to pull my toes back), the floating toe (you don't know how much you need that single toe for balance/pivoting/jumping/landing until it's not working properly) and my lack of trust in my ankle (after such a long period of misuse I'm hesitant to do anything risky).

When the time came, I just decided to go for it.  I know I need to be aware, but I also feel like alot of the limitations I am still dealing with are more mental than not.  And even if they aren't, I need to start finding ways to just work through them.  What if my foot just never does reach a stage that I would consider "healed and back to normal"?  What if I never regain the mobility with that toe?  Let's face it...these are real possibilities.

And overall it went okay.

I kicked both the heavy bag and mitts with a front thrust for the first time in 6 months.  I was careful and mindful of what I was doing.  And I didn't cause any damage...although the extra bend the resistance forced my toes to do wasn't overly pleasant at times.  But I tend to wonder if the push will end up being a good thing.  Maybe even assisting in regaining the flexibility.

When it came to the lateral jumps, any jumping still gives me the heeby-jeebies.  Granted I've done some little hippity-hops in a few instances (my Kwan Dao form, for example).  But the impact of the 2 footed jump over 2 shields was more than my mentality could handle.  I didn't trust myself to maintain strong and precise.  I ended up doing them over just 1 shield.  And it went fine, even though I really had to pause and ensure that I was stable with each and every jump/landing.  And so again, I wasn't fast. but I did do it. 

My partner offered some really good feedback during the class.  She noticed that my kicks with my left leg felt stronger as she held the mitts.  Which shouldn't be the case.  I have always been right leg dominant.  I also find it more difficult to kick with my left right now, because that means my right (my bad foot) is what's on the ground supporting me. So her comment, to me, means that either a) my right leg still hasn't regained all the muscle that it had lost or b) I am subconsciously holding back with my right leg to avoid hurting my toes, or c) my left leg has truly become stronger since it was forced to do all the "heavy lifting" for a time.

So although I've been feeling like my foot recovery has regressed a bit, after this week I still feel like I've taken some good steps forward.

ps.  Check out the picture!!  Our front thrust kick toe position is a "floint".  Hahahahaha

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 31512
Situps = 31582
Kwan Dao = 641
Tai Chi Short = 709
Sparring = 619
Km's = 1255
AOKs = 842

Saskatchewan

This will be one of the blogs where I’m thankful for the mandatory numbers requirement. Don’t get me wrong! I’m training and working on my kung fu. But I’ve been visiting my mom for the week and have been trying to stay away from screens.  

So today is a simple checkin.  

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 31044
Situps = 31124
Kwan Dao = 632
Tai Chi Short = 703
Sparring = 606
Km's = 1233
AOKs = 813

Form and Stances

I've been feeling really excited about my Kwan Dao.

Although it was hard having to stay away from it (physically) for so long...and it's been challenging to have to ease back into it slowly...this time has also fostered new insights and I believe it has furthered my progress in ways that may have not happened otherwise.

There are a few things that I'm zero-ing in on like hand transitions to increase both speed and extension.  I've also (with help) happened upon a few spots where the concept of expansion and contraction has become really pertinent.  And not only expansion then contraction...but expansion with contraction.

But by far, the most significant is that I've been forced to really nail down my stances and fine tune my form.  Prior to surgery I recognized the importance of this with a heavy weapon.  But truth be told, I took for granted that I still had that physical power to reign things in if needed.  And if I was pulled out of my center now and again, no big deal...I could adjust.  In fact, I'm recognizing how I would always just slightly restrain my weapon, anticipating the need to pull back, knowing how easily I could be thrown off. Instead of questioning this and trying to fix the problem at the source, I lived with it because I could.  Post-op, this wasn't really an option.  I had to be more careful and methodical.  I had to truly rely on pure technique and proper stances to maintain control.  And comparing then to now, I can feel the difference.  Because of the physical need to stay safe during my recovery, I now feel like I'm more in control of my weapon, but due to form and technique rather than brute strength.  

In writing this I realize that "control" isn't quite the right word to reflect what I mean.  Control still implies restraint...that there are still opposing forces...control by me and submission from my Kwan Dao.  Which I think is still a valid and important phase in mastering a weapon.  But it's not quite how I'm feeling.  I think what I'm getting closer to with my weapon is harmony.  Closer to...but still very far away.

Kung Fu'ing My Kids Part 10 Of....

It dawned on me this past week how far my kids have come.  

As I held the boards in Emma's group for board breaking, I was taken by surprise at how strong she has gotten, both physically and because of her technique.  Last year she struggled with the starter orange board.  This year she was breaking the higher level orange and even the green.

As we were getting ready for our day the other morning, I noticed uniforms were already laid out, ready to go for after school.

As we were leaving the house for classes, I realized I can't even remember the last time it was an argument to go.

As I watched them do their 1-on-1s recently, I've noticed the way they interact with their instructors and how much that has changed and evolved.

As we plan our weekends, I'm amused at their disappointment when there is no open training.

As a parent I have to be the one that motivates, reminds, pushes and stands firm...trying to encourage the development of important skills, habits and character....but eventually, over time, these things suddenly become their own.  And they just are.

It's not an easy road...but it's definitely worth it.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 29594
Situps = 29594
Kwan Dao = 594
Tai Chi Short = 701
Sparring = 584
Km's = 1174
AOKs = 751

Interesting

Well isn't that interesting.

Last night, when doing my Tai Chi, I found myself shaking just like at the Tiger Challenge.  This is literally only the second time for this to happen.

I know it's not nervousness.  I've trained and performed in front of the team so many times now that doesn't bother me much anymore.  And it wasn't like there were any outside observers present.

It was also interesting to realize that it's actually just my fingers, not my entire hand.  When I tensed my hand more, I was able to keep it more under control.  But in doing that, I did lose some of my flow I typically have.

The only similarity between the 2 events that I can come up with is that I had already done a few higher intensity repetitions right before.  So now I tend to wonder if this is something that happens after I get my heart rate and adrenaline at a high level, and then want to turn it right down.

I'm going to monitor this a little more and see if it happens again.  But I certainly find it interesting.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 28534
Situps = 28559
Kwan Dao = 591
Tai Chi Short = 691
Sparring = 566
Km's = 1148
AOKs = 740

Pivot

When injured we often have to make a conscious effort to modify.  Once we are healed, we re-adjust and move forward.

But sometimes we modify without realizing it.  And these modifications that we aren't aware of can be damaging.  If we aren't aware we are doing it, it can very likely become a regular habit even after we are healed.

On two separate occasions now, I've become aware of a modification I've been making without a conscious effort.

In the Young Dragons class, Sifu Rybak challenged the students to figure out how they pivot during a roundhouse or sideheel.  Do they hop?  Do they pivot on the ball of their foot?  The heel?  Flat footed?

In these instances, the correct way is to pivot on the ball of your foot.  But during this exercise, I realized that I am not.  To avoid any pressure or torque on my toes, I am pivoting more on my heel.  And this is very difficult to do while remaining grounded and maintaining proper alignment and balance...which is probably why I'm struggling so bad with remaining grounded and maintaining proper alignment and balance.  Lol.

On another occasion, we were practicing a certain sequence in Da Mu Hsing where we pivot 180 degrees out of an open-x and into a bow stance.  Technically, if we are in proper stance to begin with, we should make that turn with no issues and end up in a perfect bow stance without having to adjust.  I found that my bow stance kept ending up short, and it wasn't because of that initial open-x.  As I played with it more, I realized I was making that same pivot adjustment here as I am with my kicks.  As I turned, instead of pivoting on the ball of my foot, I've been pivoting on the heel, resulting in the shortened stance.  

Obviously there's a good reason why I'm doing this at present.  And now that I am aware, I can be cognizant as I heal that I don't let this habit, or possibly others, continue any longer than necessary.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 28044
Situps = 28259
Kwan Dao = 582
Tai Chi Short = 679
Sparring = 556
Km's = 1103
AOKs = 710

Wandering Intent

A recent example of how powerful intent can be.

I was in Tai Chi class when a question was posed by another student.  During the discussion, it was mentioned that the intent of a particular movement was with leading with one hand while pulling the other with it.  I immediately realized that I focused on this movement in a different way.  My intent was with the opposite hand, pushing the other.  Now I didn't necessarily think I was doing this particular move "wrong"...but there were a couple things related to this sequence (timing and balance at completion) that I was working on...and so in the name of curiosity, I decided to change my intent and try it the other way.

Immediately, with that very first attempt, my timing and balance seemed to adjust on their own and everything came together.

Fluke obviously, right?  But no...again and again I maintained this new intent, and achieved the same result.  And it was so easy!  Something I was trying to fix for the whole class (and for the last 3 years to be honest) without success, was rectified with a simple shift in my mind.

I know we are constantly told how important intent is.  That it is the guiding factor in what we want to accomplish. Yet it still eludes me.  There are times I think my intent is one thing...when in fact, it is another.  Or times when I start with certain intent, and then it changes without me even realizing it.  

I think I understand intent.  The definition.  The concept.  I've experienced it.  Had success with it.  But I don't yet have total control of it and am not always able to keep it pure throughout a technique or form.  And when I say pure...I don't mean that it can't change.  It can.  But if it does, it's changing because I want it to.

As I think about this practice, it seems similar to meditation.  With meditation, I will sit and breathe with a particular thought or purpose.  Then suddenly I will realize that my mind has wandered...and so I pull it back.  Over time this gets both easier and less frequent.  And I think I can apply this practice to intent.  If I start one way...and then realize that it has gone astray...I simply need to pull it back and carry on.  And hopefully it just gets easier.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 27924
Situps = 28089
Kwan Dao = 581
Tai Chi Short = 669
Sparring = 554
Km's = 1099

AOKs = 703

Try, Try Again

I started something new with my pushups.  

I've been doing modified wall/inclined versions for so long that they were simply no longer providing the benefits that pushups should.  It was just a number obligation, and not a means to actually help me improve my strength.  💡 Hoop vs tool.

So I came up with a new plan.  I decided that I was going to do a more "time based" approach so that I could slowly start to build up to full pushups....while still fulfilling the spirit of the requirement.

Using 1-2 minute increments, I would do as many full pushups as I could, then I'd continue with as many as I could from my knees, then I would hold plank for the remainder.  Pretty much what Sihing Csillag has suggested we do in class in the past.

This went well for a bit....and then, like every other time before, I hurt my shoulder.  This seems to happen every single time I attempt to build my full pushups.  And I always get really frustrated by this.

BUT...this time, I took a minute to think about why this keeps happening and what I can do about it.

My mindset is always to push myself as far as I can.  Meaning my last possible full pushup is VERY strained and VERY unbalanced...and probably VERY unsafe.  And that's where I'm going wrong.  I need to stop before I get to the point of over-straining....before I reach the potential for injury.  I know...duh right?

Anyways....I'm going to allow this shoulder to heal...with modified pushups once again (out of necessity though!).  But then I'm going to give my new plan another shot, adjusting my mindset to do as many as I can while remaining strong and in control.  As soon as I start to feel as though I'm no longer in control, that will be my cue.  With this method, I'm going to have to be okay with building my reps very slowly...but also (hopefully) without constant injury.  

I have a very strong desire to get better at pushups and with the changes to the IHC and Black Belt grading year, I want to be ready to properly fulfill that requirement when the time comes.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 27614
Situps = 27719
Kwan Dao = 571
Tai Chi Short = 667
Sparring = 549
Km's = 1073

AOKs = 690

I’ll Get There

My body has been feeling extremely sore and tired.

I’ve been trying to do more physically.  Pushing myself as much as I can in class and attempting to do pretty much everything, as long as I can do it in a controlled way. As soon as we start moving too fast though, I no longer feel in control and then it gets in my head…and things seem to unravel. But I’ll get there.

It’s also obvious that my cardio and stamina have both decreased over the last few months.  Same with my overall strength.  Not overly surprising, mind you.  But I’m left feeling like I was worked over pretty good.  Having to really work to get things moving in the morning.  But again, I’ll get there.

So yes. My body has been feeling extremely sore and tired. But in a good way.

And That's Ok

My site is officially live.  

I have been constantly fiddling with it.  Probably more out of fear of it going live than anything else.  And I'd love to have more items up.  But I've realized this is going to be ongoing and will likely never be something that is "done-done".

So I'm just gonna go for it and see what happens.  It very well might crash and burn.  And that's ok.  

However, if any of you happen to be clicking around and encounter problems, please let me know!!

Also, in terms of my pottery goals, I've been asked to do a "Meet 'n Greet" in my hometown of Saltcoats, SK for local artists.  Again, I don't really call myself an artist.  I just like playing with mud.  But I agreed to do it and am both excited and nervous.  And just like my website, I might crash and burn.  And that's ok.

But if I never give it a shot, I'll never really know.

Anyhow...here it is.  Up and live.

https://www.ferriswheelpottery.com/

Coincidence…I Think Not

I actually wrote this blog Friday but still wanted to review before posting.  It was surreal how almost every single one of these things was discussed at the boot camp.  It all comes down to being in the moment and not yearning for the future or mourning over the past. 

This has been a really great week.

I feel like my head has finally cleared and my perspective has adjusted in a positive way.

My household has finally returned to our typical day to day schedule since before my surgery. Structure and routine have always been important for success with anything I want to achieve.  It's also always been important for my family as a whole to thrive.  The feeling of just "winging it" that had become a regular occurrence over the last several months was absent this week.  And it resulted in feeling more calm, organized and free.  Funny how structure can be freeing.

I've let go of my desperation to heal faster.  And the moment I did, I began to actually see small improvements.  Were these improvements not happening before?  I'm sure they were.  But I think that my focus was so consumed with the final end goal, that I was blind to anything else along the way. I didn't care about the process.  I only cared about being healed in full.  Anything less wasn't good enough.  When I severed that obsession, I was suddenly more aware of what was happening right here and now.

I've adjusted my reality of progression.  I had convinced myself from the beginning of my recovery, that in order to progress, I would need to first achieve the level I was at pre-surgery, and then surpass that.  Until then, it was all just catchup.  Nobody told me this…I only told myself.   And it weighed heavily on me, always feeling like I was behind.  Surprisingly, and although it took a bit, it was my side heel that changed my perspective.  My side heel is different now.  Physically I wasn’t working on it…but I was making advancements in a mental capacity.  And once I started throwing some, I realized the progress I had made even without the physical component.  My side heel showed me that I didn’t have to get back to where I was.  I didn’t have to catch-up.  I’d been moving forward all along.  

I’ve stopped just assuming “I can’t”.  Yes I’ve had to be careful during recovery.  Small steps at a time.  But you only “can’t” until you can.  And the only way to get to “can” is to actually try it.  Every time I’ve done something without thinking, I’ve surprised myself with actually being able to do it.  On our vacation, there was an instance where I needed to run.  And I just did…without thought.  And I realized immediately there was no pain or discomfort.  And I couldn’t help but wonder how long I had actually been capable of that, but had just assumed it was something I couldn’t do yet.  So this week I’ve stopped just assuming I can’t, and turned it into “let’s just see if I can”.  And I’m proud to say I did my first roundhouses and side heels, full weight and pivoting on my new foot, for the first time since May. They were slow and calculated, but I did them and they felt good.

It feels like the moment I finally let go of all of these things weighing on me, everything changed.

I reimplement structure, and I immediately feel more free.

I release my anxiety about not healing, and I suddenly start to see signs of improvement.

I adjust my idea of progression, and I'm acknowledged formally for achievement.

I stop assuming I can’t, and I learn I am capable of more.

Coincidences?  Doubtful.

By letting go, I’ve actually regained control.  

And I feel like I've finally come back to myself.  

The Loop Of Impossibility

I am home.

The last 2 weeks have been packed with activity.  But I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit, almost no Kung Fu training.

Back to school week found me working full time.  Then at the Kwoon working all evening.  Morning training took a back seat to sleep.  

We then left the house Friday, flew to LA Saturday, and spent a week filled with Disney, rides, churros and a lot of walking.  My foot held up.  But there was nothing left in the tank for any other physical activity.  I wasn’t even able to do my physio exercises.  I tried.  But it was simply too painful for an already overtaxed foot.

Sure, perhaps physically I was at my max.  But why wasn’t I able to do something?   Anything?  Now that the opportunity has passed, I can think of several things I could have been doing.  So why did they elude me in the moment?

I feel my Kung fu is at an all time low.  The balance that I had established and maintained between the mental and physical aspects of training is completely out of whack.  For a time, post surgery, I was able to keep progressing.  My mental training carrying me forward.  I was even proud of how I adapted and kept going.  But one can only continue without the other for so long.  Eventually, the one that is lagging will start to apply resistance….keeping the other from going too far.

But I think the only reason my physical self lags, is because I continue to wait for it to return to its previous state. So I suppose if I really think about it…maybe it isn’t my physical self that’s holding me back at all.  Maybe it’s my mental self clinging to a physical that no longer exists….and thus, is actually the culprit keeping my new physical from growing. These thoughts are really confusing.  So I made a couple diagrams.  

Well this blog took a turn and my brain is tired from trying to solve a problem where I’m starting to think there really isn’t a problem.

It is what it is.  And it changes.  

I can word, and reword this all in a variety of different ways.  Shift my perspective from this way or that.  But one thing remains consistent. 

I need to let go in order to move forward.

Apologies for this mess above.  But sometimes reflection gets messy. 

And although it may seem a mass of chaotic thoughts and confusion, I think it’s actually helped.

IHC Number Update - September 2

2023 Year of the Rabbit

Year of the Rabbit - January 22, 2023 to February 9, 2023 (384 days)

Base Requirements

Hand Form - Tai Chi Short Form  600/1000

Weapon Form - Kwan Dao  534/1000

Push-ups  26488/50,000

Sit-ups  26344/50,000

Sparring  456/1000

Kilometers 873/1609

Acts of Kindness  588/1000

Blogging/Online Presence - yup

Unexcused Absences - yup

Mastery by Stewart Emery - 👎

Mend a Relationship - 👍

Lion Dancing - no

Tiger Challenge - complete!

Public Performances - Tiger Challenge

Core Curriculum - hope so

SRKF Projects and Initiatives - Children's Class Weekly Recaps, Spring Break Mad Minute Challenge, Earth Day, Dragon Dance organizing, Blood Drive, BTSW

Personal Requirements

Monthly Movie/Game Family Night  7/12

Lion Dance Drumming - 👍

Chi Development - ok

Establish online presence for pottery - almost done!

Daily blogging  👎

Weekly Kick Assessment - no progress at this time

#221

This posting is a long time coming.  I just never found myself with the time to really sit down and reflect.  Which you'll see is part of the problem.

Today will mark my 221st consecutive daily blog.  When I first made daily blogging a personal requirement, I did so with several benefits in mind.  The biggest would be having an accurate and detailed record of my year as well as a dedication to daily reflection.  It was also mentioned that my daily blogs have proved helpful to those training from a distance, giving them a way to stay connected.  All positive things, right?

Unfortunately, no, not all positive.

As I look over these 220 postings, I see consistent reflection, true.  But not deep reflection.  And admittedly alot of fluff serving as a checkmark.  My blogs this year feel as though I am only scratching the surface of things.  And although I had initially thought that daily blogs would prevent me from losing lots of little gold tidbits, it's proving to work the opposite way.  If I'm not ready to blog fully and deeply about something, I just put out a "filler" blog, or I just touch on the subject matter in a superficial way, in order to fulfill an act of discipline.  And then if I'm still not ready or haven't found the time to dig deeper the next day, once again, I still have that daily blog to fulfill, and so I rattle off another random posting.  And so the more valuable thoughts I might be having are eventually scattered all over the place....none connected or complete...because I'm not allowing myself the time to pull it all together.  First priority is getting that daily blog in.  Even if it sucks.  Even if it's just fluff in order to check a box.  And so on and so on...all of it spiraling out of control to the point where blogging is no longer my favorite.  

My original plan was to blog daily for the year, and then, dependent on the outcome, decide whether I would continue that way.  But here I am...a little over half-way through the year, and have already decided that I would not.  It turns out I did not need a full year to see that this particular goal is not serving me in a positive way.  If I needed to personally improve on my ability to fulfill commitments...or work on my follow through, then yes, continuing with this act of discipline would be important.  But as was pointed out to me recently, I am not short on acts of discipline.  I have many others that I continue to fulfill and that are serving me much better.  I also have many that would likely be doing much better, if I didn't have the daily blog requirement weighing on me each day, stealing from both my time and mental reserves.

So this then raises the following questions.....

Do I push through and finish the year, fulfilling a commitment I made...but also knowing that this requirement is strictly an act of discipline and may actually be harming my blogging (among other things), which has always been my greatest training tool?  

Or do I wave a white flag, acknowledge that it isn't working and stop now...returning to the weekly requirement...admitting failure at a personal requirement, but knowing that it will serve me best to do so?  

Not fulfilling this requirement will be a blow to my ego for sure.  It will hurt to not be able to say I did it.  But I also miss how my blogging used to serve me so well.  And I don't feel this daily requirement has enhanced that, but rather has taken away.

More of a good thing isn't always a good thing.

Filler

Day after day there is a blog I need to write.  Day after day I don’t have time so I end up just making a filler post. I need to do this tomorrow. 

Where’s The Light?

I’m still struggling with this foot.  This darn toe just doesn’t want to touch the ground.  I’m hearing some horror stories about this lasting a long time.  It’s not something I was expecting.  The swelling is getting to me as well.  I knew to expect swelling.  Even up to a year. But I guess I thought it would only be after physical exertion.  Not just always swollen even with lots of rest, elevation and icing.  

I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be at almost 12 weeks post op.  

Art In The Park

 

Camping

I love camping.  Although it never seems to leave much time for Kung Fu requirements. 

But there is still kung fu in so many things.  In the acts of kindness that can be found in pretty much every moment of every day.  In the moments spent with nature…listening and breathing.  And during my quiet (and slow) walks with Avery where I practice my walking meditation.

So no…not many reps…but still lots of Kung Fu   

Hi

This day is going to get away from me quickly so I wanted to do a quick checkin.  

We are currently on our way to Gregg Lake to camp.  First and only trip of the year.  A bit of an anomaly since we usually go 4-5 times. 

This also means I won’t be at open training tomorrow but for anyone else going have a great time!

I should be back in time for class on Monday. 😁

Do Your Best

I saw this and it just really stuck with me. This is sort of my view when it comes to empathy.  I like to think that everyone is just doing the best they can with what they know and what they have…just like I am.  

Always Different With An Audience

I’ve gotten some extra drumming in this week so far.  In both the kids and adult classes.  I think one of the biggest hurdles with drumming is doing it in front of people.  So the more practice I can get with that, the less likely it will be that I bomb in my first demo.  😂 

Just Like That

And just like that, my side heel is now better than my roundhouse.

As we continuously work on things, striving for mastery, the stuff we are weaker at eventually becomes our strengths, then our weaknesses again, then strengths.   And it cycles like that over and over as something improves, and something else takes a back seat.

Now the only reason my side heel has surpassed my roundhouse right now is because of my surgery.  But that’s irrelevant.  Our circumstances play a huge role in our strengths and weaknesses.  And right now, I am actually confident enough to even attempt a side heal, whereas I’m not quite there yet with the roundhouse.  The 3 point position is proving to be a bit of a challenge.  Most likely a mental challenge, but a challenge nonetheless.

I tend to wonder if all the visualization I did with the side heel actually helped.  Did it help with retaining muscle memory?  Did it even go so far as to improve some of the little things I was working on prior to surgery…to the point I was able to implement them right away?  Did it help in perfecting the feeling of what I WANTED my side heel to be?   

I doubt I will ever know for sure.  But I tend to think that at the very least, it kept things fresh in my mind, making it not so scary to get back into. 

Little Wins

I actually threw some side heels today.  Real ones.  Without holding onto anything for balance for fear of stumbling and having to catch myself with my bad foot.

I could only kick with my right foot from a left lead.  I thought about trying to switch, but that would mean pivoting on my right foot.  And I couldn’t quite make myself do that mentally just yet.  So whenever the class switched to a right lead, I stayed put.  I also wasn’t ready to kick a bag. Again…a mental hurdle I need t overcome I think. 

But still…I actually threw some side heels and it feels like a pretty big deal so I’m feeling pretty good.

AND I got to drum a little bit for the class.  I desperately need practice with my thunder drumming so it was a good opportunity and one I’m grateful I was given.

Ferris Wheel Pottery

Well here we go.  I think I’ve got a solid basis for a simple website for my pottery.  I’ve already got lots more ideas but I gotta start somewhere.  Because this is an IHC personal goal, I am sharing it here. If you have a moment, I’d love to have some people check it out, make a few clicks, let me know if anything weird is happening and offer any feedback either for now, or as I expand it more.

I’m only going to leave it up for a few days to give you all a chance to have a look.  I’ll need to bring it back down again to complete the commerce section, which isn’t fully functional yet. 

Thanks so much!

Ferris Wheel Pottery Website

A Repeat

I spent some time reading through some old blogs today.  And I ended up getting to the one I wrote exactly 2 years ago today.  I thought that was kind of neat so here it is (link below). Lol   Nothing overly special, but I was able to recall that class like it was yesterday.  I can’t wait to start pushing hard again. 

Blog From August 12, 2021

Stories

Every year (Covid aside) we have a big garage sale at our shop.  It’s become a bit of a “thing”.  We’ve even got “regular” customers that watch for us year after year.  

It isn’t about making a bunch of money.  In fact, we constantly get comments how everything is so cheap.  We do it more so to keep things from piling up in a landfill.  We find it fulfilling to find things a new home, with a new purpose.

And this may sound odd, but the biggest reason I do it is to engage.  These aren’t people I know, but that doesn’t matter.  I’ll just wander around, listening to peoples’ stories.  And one thing I’ve learned is that everyone has one…and they just want to tell it.  And I think it’s really important that we all get that chance.

That's All

Once again, this is just a check mark blog.  Which actually leads me into something more that I need to blog about.  But not tonight.  

I just got home at 9pm...fed Emma and got her to bed, then posted the Back to School Week signup.

And now I'm off to bed myself.  

That is all folks.

Thank-you

Today there was a moment where I almost wanted to cry.  

It was right after my physio.  I was defeated both mentally and physically.  It really didn’t go very well.  I was desperately trying to do the exercises that he wants me to do.  But I can’t seem to do them. I can’t move my toes how I want…or at all.  My big toe still doesn’t want to touch the ground.  And as little as I felt I did, my foot was extremely sore for the remainder of the day. I’m starting to feel panic.  Like I should have just lived with the pain from before.  Because so far, this is not better.  I just really want to see some improvement. 

Having said that, I felt much better after getting to class.  Although I had to be careful not to land on my bad foot, I actually did some shoulder rolls, some one legged shrimping (that was very hard), and even some side heel kicks (granted I had to use the wall for balance).  Oh, and some really sad lion dancing…but lion dancing nonetheless.

And even though nobody knew that my day itself was a real downer, everyone played a part in helping me end it in a much better note.

Thunderstorm

I’ve been focussing on my drumming lately.  And I thought I was starting to tighten things up.  But then I realized that I had completely forgotten about one specific part.  The waking up portion where the lion licks his legs.  It’s thunder drumming that quickly gets louder.  I already struggle with thunder drumming, nevermind a quicker, louder version.  And I cannot do it.  Arrrgh.

Just A Checkmark Entry

Apologies on this blog.  This is simply a checkmark that I made the time to come here and write something.  

I spent the majority of the day working on my website for my pottery. It’s getting close to launching.  

Once again, it’s nothing crazy amazing, but it’s a start!

You’ll probably be the first to know once it’s live.  

😁

Don’t Bypass Technique

As I continue to progress through this recovery, I find myself taking some calculated risks.  

For example. Kicks.  

As long as they don’t involve pivoting, I’ve been attempting to throw a few kicks here and there.  And I’m finding that I’m really having to focus on technique, rather than power or speed.  In a good way.  

I’ve got to be in complete control.  I have no choice.  I need to stay grounded throughout.  I need to stay solid and balanced.  I can’t just fall back into my stance, I need to consolidate, and then step back with control.  

What’s really cool about this is that my situation has forced me to do this, and now I know I can.

Coming Soon

 I’ve been working on one of my personal requirements.  It’s nothing fancy, but it will be a start and I can always expand. 

Side Heel Visualization

Over the last several weeks I’ve been doing a lot of visualization with almost everything.

Something that I’m excited to start working on again when I can is my side heel.  I was working on this a lot prior to my surgery.  But while being “off my feet” I’ve been analyzing a lot of old videos.  And while visualizing the kick in my head, trying to figure out what I need to do to really send my foot straight out, I stumbled upon something that I think may make a difference.

Previously, my initial intent was for my crane stance and bringing my knee up.  Then my intent would shift to my foot for the kick.  There always seemed to be a disconnect here.

I then happened upon a different approach.  Instead of focusing on bringing my knee up…I instead would focus on bringing my foot up.  With my focus and intent already with my foot, it feels like I will have better control and a more seamless shift to the kick.  I know it seems like the same thing, but I don’t think it is.

I’m antsy to start putting this theory to the test.

On The Mend

I had my first physio appointment yesterday.  My foot was pretty tired after that.

I also did my first Tai Chi class back on my foot yesterday.

And my first core class.

And IHC tonight.

It’s taken a beating these last few days. 

But although its feeling sore, I think it’s feeling better.

Success And Failure As An Instructor

A Success

Yesterday in the Level 1 Young Dragons, I was asked by a student what the white stripe was for.  I might have easily answered "The white stripe is your 6 harmonies, and that means your forms".  But I hesitated.  We've been talking alot as instructors about how we need to not be so focused on specifics of the syllabus.  We don't want the students (or ourselves) to simplify the striping system to such a degree that it becomes a checklist.  As mentioned in a recent article by Sifu Brinker, we don't want to train in, or teach from, a silo.  Instead, we want to help the students (and ourselves) realize how everything within the curriculum, and the syllabus, is connected.  And we want to help students connect the dots in order to expand their opportunity for progress and growth.

So instead, I challenged my own thinking and changed my answer to "Well, the white stripe is our 6 harmonies.  And specific to what we are working on today...."

I went on to explain a little about the external harmonies (hands/feet/elbows/knees/shoulders/hips) and showed her how that would work specifically with the choke defense that we were learning.  How it's not just our arm performing the technique...but also our legs, feet, entire body really.  And by having everything working together, in harmony, we maximize the efficacy of the technique.  I did not get into the internal harmonies and tried to keep my explanation short and "level/age appropriate".  I was pleased in that she seemed to understand and began to utilize more of her body.  And I could tell in her expression, that she felt the difference and was happier with the results afterwards.

I was happy I made the attempt to answer her question about a stripe by using what we were working on in that moment as the example.  This is a practice I will continue as I can see the benefit to the student, and to myself.

A Failure

Later on with the Level 2s, I was leading the class and was going to progress the choke defense to a small taste of how it could lead to an arm bar.  I was not happy with how my explanation went.  Reflecting on this afterwards, I could see a couple reasons for this.  The first is confidence.  Half way into the explanation, I realized that I was lacking confidence in my words.  And that, to me, means that this is something I need to be practicing more myself, before I will have a good ability to teach it.  The second factor was that I had Sihing Burke and Sidai Csillag demo this for me.  I'm still favoring my foot and didn't want to risk an accidental twist.  In hindsight, I think that I may have done better with the explanation if I had actually been doing the demo physically as well.  Or, alternatively, it would have been better if one of them had explained and demo'd so they could have stopped, gone slower, moved around, etc, in real time with their explanation.  Either way, I will remember this in future so I can adjust my instruction to best serve the students.

IHC Number Update - August 1

2023 Year of the Rabbit

Year of the Rabbit - January 22, 2023 to February 9, 2023 (384 days)

Base Requirements

Hand Form - Tai Chi Short Form  459/1000

Weapon Form - Kwan Dao  489/1000

Push-ups  23,468/50,000

Sit-ups  23,114/50,000

Sparring  429/1000 *this has suffered a bit over the last couple months.

Kilometers 710/1609 *this has suffered alot.  But I'm seeing an upward trend since I started walking again

Acts of Kindness  527/1000

Blogging/Online Presence - yup

Unexcused Absences - yup

Mastery by Stewart Emery - 👎

Mend a Relationship - 👍

Lion Dancing - no

Tiger Challenge - complete!

Public Performances - Tiger Challenge

Core Curriculum - hope so

SRKF Projects and Initiatives - Children's Class Weekly Recaps, Spring Break Mad Minute Challenge, Earth Day, Dragon Dance organizing, Blood Drive

Personal Requirements

Monthly Movie/Game Family Night  6/12

Lion Dance Drumming - Going good.  I need to ensure I'm doing the 5-star properly

Chi Development - not at a total standstill, but could be better.

Establish online presence for pottery - I've been looking into a platform

Daily blogging  192/384 *14 of these are "I  Am" blogs

Weekly Kick Assessment - no progress at this time

Daily Report

I gotta say.  Today was a really great day.

I managed to start my day when my alarm rang.  That’s 4 days straight now.  Although I didn’t get everything accomplished that I wanted it, it was for good reason.  I decided to pull out my Kwan Dao today.  I’ve been using a stick for the past while to avoid any extra weight and strain on my foot.  But I figured if I went really slow with my turns and pivots I’d be okay.  And I was.  Until I really got into it and started really extending my blade.  So much so, that I took out my ceiling light with a particular overhead strike.  And so I was on cleanup duty for the remainder of my training time.

My first day at work went well.  I’ve missed my colleagues.  And it returned a semblance of normalcy to my day.  Finally some structure!  I did very little walking and kept my foot elevated and managed to last the whole day.

I was really proud of the kids today too.  They were home alone all day and managed really well.  They entertained themselves with lots of different “non screen” activities.  Games.  Colouring.  Lego.  Played outside.  I really do have great kids.  As a parent, I’ve gotten very lucky.

And to end my day, class was great.  Although my foot seemed to swell quickly, for the first time in a long time, I was able to participate in the class with some combinations that involved my whole body and even did some (shallow) bow stance slide stepping.  Might not seem like much, but it’s been a while!  Todai Csillag and I were also invited to teach both levels how to make paper cranes.  It was a nice way to be really immersed the class. 

Yup, a really great day.  

Back To Work

I think I overdid it today.  I go back to work tomorrow and so I, of course, decided there was a bunch of things that needed to get done.  I’m now in bed elevating and icing.  

I’m both looking forward to, and a little nervous about tomorrow.  Yet another adjustment in this process with potential to derail.

Either way, my alarm is set.

So Far So Good

So far so good with my plan to get back on track.  Two days in a row doesn’t sound all that impressive, but it has to start somewhere.  And 2 days is better than 0.

Technically I would normally let myself sleep in on weekends.  But I feel like when you recognize a need for change, you need to do it then and there when the motivation and desire is fresh.  Not “I’ll start Monday” or “I’ll start next week or “I’ll start in the new year”.

Once I get back into a good routine, I can adjust.  Right now, I just need to be as consistent as possible.

Finally Some Direction

Today I ran through each form, for the first time in 8 weeks, using both my upper and lower halves while also reimplementing rotation and proper direction.

It wasn’t pretty.  My stances are super shallow…almost non-existent.  I’m still very very careful with any pivoting with that foot.  But it was interesting how I couldn’t really do anything with power or intensity with my upper half, when my lower couldn’t match it.  Meaning, because I was taking it slow and steady with my legs and feet, my arms and hands couldn’t exceed that same pace.

Anyhow, even at the extremely low intensity, it was exciting to be able to do these physically again.

My List To Get Back On Track

Okay.  So I know I’m in a rut here.  I guess recognizing that is the true first step. It’s also not totally unexpected.  As prepared as I tried to be going into this, 8 weeks into recovery from major bone surgery is bound to cause some challenges.

Step 1 Due Friday

I had a really great conversation with Sihing Csillag tonight about my recent blog of feeling stuck.

In my blog I mentioned how I know what to do, but just can’t initiate it.  So he suggested that I make a list of these things I need to do. A list might 1) indicate to others how they might be able to help and 2) define it better for myself.

I started thinking about this a little earlier today.  And I realized that I only had a couple of clear thoughts that came immediately to mind…which made me wonder if perhaps I DON’T know exactly what I need to do.

Which makes this exercise an important first step.

So I don’t have a list yet.  But I will.  And I think I should set a deadline…so it doesn’t become something else I'm not doing.  So I intend to have a list…a plan of action….by Friday.  

Stuck

I need to do something.  I’m stuck in a rut.  I know what I need to do.  But I just can’t seem to initiate anything.

Too Many Twists

 

I just want to do stuff.  

I tried to shrimp today.  I tried to do Broadsword.  

Both caused too much twisting and I had to sit.

There’s no lingering pain.  So I’m fine.

But I’m getting frustrated.  I just want to do stuff.