Can But Shouldn't

I wasn't really supposed to be lion dancing the other day.  😬

It was recommended that I take a bit of a step back from the things that seem to continue to aggravate my foot.  Yes I want to push on and push through, but I also don't want to impede the healing so much that I actually end up causing long term damage that prevents me from recovering to the fullest degree possible.

Exercises, drills or techniques involving the ball of my foot, or that are full weight bearing on the one foot, or jumping or pivoting, all seem to be the ones that aggravate it in an extreme way.  So even things like cat stance with all the weight on that one side, or open X with the twist and pressure on the ball, impact from kicking, unicorn stepping, etc.  It's okay here and there, I think, to do these things, but when it's rep after rep, I can start to see and feel the swelling.  To the point that it's taking quite a long time to settle down.  The norm has been to aggravate it starting Monday, and not stop until the weekend.  Then, when it starts to feel a little better by Sunday, I start all over.  It was also pointed out that I still seem to be compensating on the outside of my foot (Thank-you Todai Bauer!).  Which would make sense at the initial stages.  Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to put alot of weight on the surgery side when I started walking again.  But over time, this might have become a bit of a habit.  This uneven distribution could also be a contributing factor in not getting that toe to the ground yet and still having balance issues...and maybe even to the continued aggravation.  Who knows.  But having said that, when I try to correct this, I can see that I need to consciously and actively think about distributing that weight properly.  It's going to take thought and practice to correct that to the point it becomes the norm again.  And if I'm "trying to keep up with the Jones'" in class, I immediately fall back to the habit I seem to have formed, because that's how I've become accustomed to doing it. And I don't think that will do me any favours in the long run.

I know that in recovery we want to push ourselves.  If we don't, we will never get to that next level.  But there is something to be said for finding a balance.  Push until you see signs of "distress" so to speak.  So maybe minor swelling, discomfort, soreness.  These are all things to be expected.  But when you hit that, pull back just a bit and see what happens there. Once you can maintain that level without the "distress", or if you see some progress, then start pushing further again.  And so on.

But to be honest, my recovery strategy has been "if I can physically do it, then just do it".  Regardless of whether it causes excessive swelling and discomfort.  Regardless of whether I stop seeing improvement.  Regardless if I feel like I've actually regressed back to the early stages of recovery.  And I do also understand that there will be ups and downs with progress.  But when regression lasts for an extended period of time, I don't think that's a good sign.  I think rather, it's a sign that I'm maybe doing too much too fast.

And so I had decided I was going to minimize impact to my foot for a while and see if I might see that initial progress return.  But then we started unicorn stepping, and to be frank, I feel like an idiot removing myself from the group.  I have a fear that my recovery will end up an excuse to not do certain things.  Or even worse (in my head) that those around me will think it's an excuse.

There will be things I can do, but probably shouldn't.  And I know I need to check my ego at the door and make some smarter choices.  But I am finding this really, really difficult.