My List To Get Back On Track

Okay.  So I know I’m in a rut here.  I guess recognizing that is the true first step. It’s also not totally unexpected.  As prepared as I tried to be going into this, 8 weeks into recovery from major bone surgery is bound to cause some challenges.

Right off the top, I need to stop sleeping in. I can look back on my blog and I see so many instances where I lost momentum and could see immediately it was because I wasn’t taking care of myself in the mornings. Morning training works for me.  I try to tell myself I have all day to do everything I want, but then I don’t.  I don't think I anticipated the loss of energy that would come with simply not being able to do as much as I was used to. Doing less has led to less energy...which has led to doing less...which leads to....you get it.   You'd think that as I've healed, I'd be doing more...but I was actually doing more at the start of this whole process...with things slowly deteriorating a little at a time.  From one day to the next it doesn't seem like much...barely even noticeable.  But when you compare 6 weeks ago to now...the drop off is horrendous.  Being off work combined with the kids on summer holidays has been a double whammy.  Something that will help with this (hopefully) is that I’m set to return to work on Monday.  So this leads me to the first, and most obvious thing on my list.  

#1 - Set my alarm and get my training in first thing.

So what else?  Something that’s been bothering me lately, and has really been weighing me down, is that I’ve been carrying this feeling of not being very useful right now.  Yes there is much I can still do in class, but the feeling comes from not being truly part of the class.  I can’t hold mitts for anyone because I don’t have the stability. Partner work for applications and ground work is out.  I’m also much slower so I tend to distance myself from the class so I don’t get in anyone’s way.  Often I will move off to the back or side doing core work, weight exercises or stretching.  And I’ve felt like more of a spectator, rather than a student. Like I’m not contributing and am really of no use.  I had been working on a blog for a couple weeks about this very thing, that I hadn’t published yet, because it just wasn’t sitting right.  Ironically enough, just 2 days ago I finally decided to just finish it as it is (although I was going to wait until the next day to post because I had already posted for the day), and that very same day I happen to open up “No Mud, No Lotus” by Thich Nhat Hanh.  And wouldn’t you know it, the very chapter waiting for me was what I needed.  It was titled “Complexes and the Sense of a Separate Self”.   I won’t go into it here, but I will include a link here Link To Chapter.  I can’t say it any better than he did, and maybe it will be helpful to others.  If you read it (it’s probably one of the shortest chapters in history) I’m sure you’ll understand how it helped me shift my perspective. I realized from this particular excerpt that my situation wasn’t causing this separation, I was...my sense of self was. It might sound odd to say that I’ve been isolating myself, because I’m still attending class.  Still engaging.  Still participating.  But I think I’ve been isolating myself in plain sight.  Moving off to the side doing my own thing might not be the best option in certain situations.  In fact, it just might possibly be the absolute sneakiest way of hiding under that proverbial glass rock.  Sure, if the class is doing conditioning work, great.  Go aside and do what I can to work up a good sweat.  But sometimes I’m better to integrate myself right into things. Walk amongst the students, watch, take note and ask lots of questions.  Will I leave a sweaty mess?  No.  But in those circumstances I’m gaining much more.  So the next thing on my list,

#2 - Stop isolating myself in class.

*I actually went to the class yesterday with this in mind and left the class feeling so much better than I have in quite awhile.

Meditation has been a part of my every day for quite some time.  You would think that, of anything, this would be something that shouldn't have been affected during my recovery.  In fact, this should have been an opportunity to grow my meditation practice.  Although I've practiced some self healing and some other chi work, just sitting and meditating quietly has all but disappeared.  Perhaps because I often did this along with my morning training?  Perhaps being so limited with the physical ability to actually "do" things, I associated meditation with more "not doing"?  Maybe that's why any and all chi work I've been doing has needed a purpose of some kind.  A need to "do" and progress and maybe get some "wins".  I have forgotten the benefits, the need, to just sit in the moment and how that alone, does indeed, serve a great purpose.

#3 - Re-implement regular meditation.

There are lots of other little things that have popped into my head while writing.  But most seem to be intertwined into the main ones above.  

So here we have it.  Three main things that I can see will be integral at getting me back on track.  Now that I have the "whats", I need to figure out the "hows".