One of the chapters is titled "Repentance". As I began reading it, I quickly realized that it was literally a list of things he had done throughout his life that he wanted to repent. A list of essentially anything he had ever done that, in his perspective, had brought harm or suffering to someone or something else.
The quote he included was, "If you do not openly repent your wrongdoings, you are more likely to repeat them." - Cheng Yen
This struck me as a very valuable lesson and I thought to myself that this would be a good exercise.
What I wasn't expecting was the anxiety that began to arise when I actually began to take steps to begin. I started to feel very ashamed of some of the initial things that came to mind, and I suddenly hesitated to dig any deeper. Initially, it seemed like it would be easy. I don't think I'm a terrible person. But I've certainly done some stupid things that I would definitely consider terrible now. So maybe it was just the memories bringing up feelings of regret and embarrassment and it just became too much all at once. Either way, I now know this exercise will be extremely difficult. I real test of my character. And sadly, I realized today that I do not yet have the strength to do it.
I will carry this exercise forward with me. It will be something that I will want to do at some point in my life because I think the quote above rings true and I think it's an important step in truly being at peace.
I think this is something that different people approach differently, so external opinions won’t hold much weight, but I’ll voice my anyways.
ReplyDeleteWhile I do not believe in turning my back on the past and not taking the consequences of my actions, I also strongly believe in a few concepts;
First, mistakes make you human. Whether it’s forgetting to grab someone the thing they asked you to get at the grocery store or something that keeps you up at night tossing and turning, it will happen, and feeling guilty is the first step in “repenting” for these mistakes and ensuring they don’t happen again.
The second is that, no matter how terrible or awful your mistake was, it does not change the fact that you are a person living in the today. You cannot go back and change it; it’s done. Whatever damage you dealt, whatever mess you caused, it has happened. What you can do is make amends and grow. As you’ve realized, this isn’t always easy. I think a lot of people choose to ignore it. But if you want to say that you are truly a better person now than when you made that mistake, taking the effort to seek “repentance” is the first step. Keep in mind, however this does not mean beating yourself up is the equivalent of repenting.
Lastly, I think you are someone who truly exemplifies the “better today than I was yesterday” saying. Let the answer to your mistakes build you as a human, but do not let the mistakes themselves define you as one.
Again, just airing my thoughts as this was a very thought-provoking blog for me :)
~Simon
I’m glad this inspired some thoughts and reflection. Your comments were very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to respond. 😊
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