Coincidence…I Think Not

I actually wrote this blog Friday but still wanted to review before posting.  It was surreal how almost every single one of these things was discussed at the boot camp.  It all comes down to being in the moment and not yearning for the future or mourning over the past. 

This has been a really great week.

I feel like my head has finally cleared and my perspective has adjusted in a positive way.

My household has finally returned to our typical day to day schedule since before my surgery. Structure and routine have always been important for success with anything I want to achieve.  It's also always been important for my family as a whole to thrive.  The feeling of just "winging it" that had become a regular occurrence over the last several months was absent this week.  And it resulted in feeling more calm, organized and free.  Funny how structure can be freeing.

I've let go of my desperation to heal faster.  And the moment I did, I began to actually see small improvements.  Were these improvements not happening before?  I'm sure they were.  But I think that my focus was so consumed with the final end goal, that I was blind to anything else along the way. I didn't care about the process.  I only cared about being healed in full.  Anything less wasn't good enough.  When I severed that obsession, I was suddenly more aware of what was happening right here and now.

I've adjusted my reality of progression.  I had convinced myself from the beginning of my recovery, that in order to progress, I would need to first achieve the level I was at pre-surgery, and then surpass that.  Until then, it was all just catchup.  Nobody told me this…I only told myself.   And it weighed heavily on me, always feeling like I was behind.  Surprisingly, and although it took a bit, it was my side heel that changed my perspective.  My side heel is different now.  Physically I wasn’t working on it…but I was making advancements in a mental capacity.  And once I started throwing some, I realized the progress I had made even without the physical component.  My side heel showed me that I didn’t have to get back to where I was.  I didn’t have to catch-up.  I’d been moving forward all along.  

I’ve stopped just assuming “I can’t”.  Yes I’ve had to be careful during recovery.  Small steps at a time.  But you only “can’t” until you can.  And the only way to get to “can” is to actually try it.  Every time I’ve done something without thinking, I’ve surprised myself with actually being able to do it.  On our vacation, there was an instance where I needed to run.  And I just did…without thought.  And I realized immediately there was no pain or discomfort.  And I couldn’t help but wonder how long I had actually been capable of that, but had just assumed it was something I couldn’t do yet.  So this week I’ve stopped just assuming I can’t, and turned it into “let’s just see if I can”.  And I’m proud to say I did my first roundhouses and side heels, full weight and pivoting on my new foot, for the first time since May. They were slow and calculated, but I did them and they felt good.

It feels like the moment I finally let go of all of these things weighing on me, everything changed.

I reimplement structure, and I immediately feel more free.

I release my anxiety about not healing, and I suddenly start to see signs of improvement.

I adjust my idea of progression, and I'm acknowledged formally for achievement.

I stop assuming I can’t, and I learn I am capable of more.

Coincidences?  Doubtful.

By letting go, I’ve actually regained control.  

And I feel like I've finally come back to myself.