The Loop Of Impossibility

I am home.

The last 2 weeks have been packed with activity.  But I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit, almost no Kung Fu training.

Back to school week found me working full time.  Then at the Kwoon working all evening.  Morning training took a back seat to sleep.  

We then left the house Friday, flew to LA Saturday, and spent a week filled with Disney, rides, churros and a lot of walking.  My foot held up.  But there was nothing left in the tank for any other physical activity.  I wasn’t even able to do my physio exercises.  I tried.  But it was simply too painful for an already overtaxed foot.

Sure, perhaps physically I was at my max.  But why wasn’t I able to do something?   Anything?  Now that the opportunity has passed, I can think of several things I could have been doing.  So why did they elude me in the moment?

I feel my Kung fu is at an all time low.  The balance that I had established and maintained between the mental and physical aspects of training is completely out of whack.  For a time, post surgery, I was able to keep progressing.  My mental training carrying me forward.  I was even proud of how I adapted and kept going.  But one can only continue without the other for so long.  Eventually, the one that is lagging will start to apply resistance….keeping the other from going too far.

But I think the only reason my physical self lags, is because I continue to wait for it to return to its previous state. So I suppose if I really think about it…maybe it isn’t my physical self that’s holding me back at all.  Maybe it’s my mental self clinging to a physical that no longer exists….and thus, is actually the culprit keeping my new physical from growing. These thoughts are really confusing.  So I made a couple diagrams.  

Well this blog took a turn and my brain is tired from trying to solve a problem where I’m starting to think there really isn’t a problem.

It is what it is.  And it changes.  

I can word, and reword this all in a variety of different ways.  Shift my perspective from this way or that.  But one thing remains consistent. 

I need to let go in order to move forward.

Apologies for this mess above.  But sometimes reflection gets messy. 

And although it may seem a mass of chaotic thoughts and confusion, I think it’s actually helped.