Maybe It Was The Music

I’m writing this while it’s fresh in my head. But I still know there’s no way I will be able to convey the feeling in words.

I’m working from home today, and after my previous post, regarding my frustration with my tai chi short form, I decided to come downstairs and work on it a bit, simply for enjoyment. I don’t normally put on music, because it’s normally super early when I train, but since nobody else was here, and because I felt I needed a rhythm after yesterday’s struggle, I did.  I was able to find myself right away.  Centred. Balanced. Grounded.  Solid, but always moving.  Completing each move, but without separating them.  I’m not sure I’ve ever really truly felt that definition before…completing without separating.

I then came up to a part that I really struggle with.  Grasping the birds tail, but from the right, rather than the left how it is in the long form.  I haven’t been able to harmonize this particular portion.  My hands don’t seem to want to work together…or with the rest of my body for that matter….not like when I do it on the other side.  It has always felt foreign.  But in this particular instance, I had no intent on “working” on it and was just enjoying the movement and flow of the form.

As I initiated this portion, where I grab the ball on the right…something was different.  My hands were connected, but independent.  They came together while moving apart.  I wouldn’t be able to describe what drove what or what initiated what…it was just all together.  I could feel my chi very strongly and I was forced to take a huge breath in that moment…like I had maybe been holding my breathe?…I didn’t think I had…but I really don’t know.

I know it all sounds weird and bizarre, but it left me with this really great feeling and I was really overwhelmed for a moment.  I want to use the word “complete” or “whole”, but I’m not sure that’s quite right.  We’ll go with that for now.

Have I answered all the questions of the universe?…no…but in my own little bubble, this has been an interesting experience.  And what’s even more exciting was that I was able to repeat it.  Permanently?…who knows….but I’m really glad I decided to turn on that music.  I’m also glad I decided to just do it for the enjoyment.  Do I enjoy my training?  Do I enjoy Kung Fu?  Absolutely!  But is it always my primary focus when I train?  No.  I’m often laser focused on specific things…trying to perfect certain techniques…looking for improvements…trying to make progress and get better.  All of which are important on this journey to mastery.  But oftentimes maybe I focus on those things too hard for too long.  Perhaps the key is to make sure I shift that primary focus back to basic, simple enjoyment once in a while.