I logged in for Tai Chi class...and I immediately felt angry and annoyed that I wasn't there in person. Every little thing made it worse. In my core class all I saw was missed opportunity after missed opportunity. A takedown that I haven't yet learned or kick reps that I always need. I attempted to do some ab reps and overhead presses while watching, but eventually felt ridiculous because it just seemed so worthless and a waste of time....because it wasn't what I WANTED to be doing. It was made worse having my video off. I felt so disconnected. Yet at the same time, I didn't want to make everyone in class uncomfortable with me just staring down at them. So I kept it off. And I couldn't help thinking that it wouldn't even matter if I wasn't even there at all. I felt worthless and hopeless. And the thoughts continued to spiral downward. Even once healed, it would take a long time to adjust to the reconstruction. It would be like starting from scratch. It took 3 1/2 years to get to where I was before surgery. Does that mean it would take that long again to get back to where I left off? My blue belt, brown belt, black belt all seemed so impossibly far away. It felt like I was being left behind. All of these grand plans and ideas I had to stay engaged and keep progressing suddenly seemed so utterly stupid. What was even the point? Why did it even matter if I did anything at all if I have to start all over anyways?
As incredibly powerful as all of these thoughts were, there was a small part of me trying really hard to fight back. Intellectually, I knew all of this was hogwash. I knew I was being silly. I knew that days of discomfort, sleepless nights and boredom had taken their toll, and simply put, I was feeling sorry for myself. And to be honest, this wasn't at all unexpected. I knew going in that these days would appear and I expect plenty more as I continue on this road to recovery. Nobody said this would be easy.
It took some time, but the rational part of me finally won. Everything I'm doing is better than nothing. Every press, instead of a pushup. Every leg lift, instead of a situp. Every mental rep of a form. Every review of my form videos, looking for the smallest of details. Every 1-on-1. Every watched class. All of it is "worth it". And I won't be "starting over". I will be relearning and redoing, yes...but this time with all the knowledge and understanding that I already have. I already know what I want to achieve. And I have a pretty good idea of the steps needed to get there. So there will be a difference.
All of this keeps me moving forward. If I'm "left behind", it will be because I stood still and allowed it to happen. So I will carry on, doing all the things I planned to do...adapting and evolving as I go. Because these are my circumstances. And Mastery doesn't care...nor does it wait.
And perhaps, just perhaps, I will come out the other side better for it.
You need to tune your perspective. Are you in this for now or are you in this for the long haul? If you mean to turn this into a lifestyle then this is ultimately a blip on the screen. A blip you’re in the middle of, mind you, but a blip nonetheless and a VERY NECESSARY blip if you truly want to continue on the path. Turn this into an opportunity to develop in areas that you would have not necessarily chosen to focus on had you been able to leap and twirl and bound on those feet.
ReplyDeleteAlso, seeing your name on the screen is better than not seeing you at all!😉
ReplyDeleteBecause you continue to be engaged and looking for opportunities to do and feel things differently you will be further ahead in many areas. Through ups and downs, you are inspiring!
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