Daily Report

I gotta say.  Today was a really great day.

I managed to start my day when my alarm rang.  That’s 4 days straight now.  Although I didn’t get everything accomplished that I wanted it, it was for good reason.  I decided to pull out my Kwan Dao today.  I’ve been using a stick for the past while to avoid any extra weight and strain on my foot.  But I figured if I went really slow with my turns and pivots I’d be okay.  And I was.  Until I really got into it and started really extending my blade.  So much so, that I took out my ceiling light with a particular overhead strike.  And so I was on cleanup duty for the remainder of my training time.

My first day at work went well.  I’ve missed my colleagues.  And it returned a semblance of normalcy to my day.  Finally some structure!  I did very little walking and kept my foot elevated and managed to last the whole day.

I was really proud of the kids today too.  They were home alone all day and managed really well.  They entertained themselves with lots of different “non screen” activities.  Games.  Colouring.  Lego.  Played outside.  I really do have great kids.  As a parent, I’ve gotten very lucky.

And to end my day, class was great.  Although my foot seemed to swell quickly, for the first time in a long time, I was able to participate in the class with some combinations that involved my whole body and even did some (shallow) bow stance slide stepping.  Might not seem like much, but it’s been a while!  Todai Csillag and I were also invited to teach both levels how to make paper cranes.  It was a nice way to be really immersed the class. 

Yup, a really great day.  

Back To Work

I think I overdid it today.  I go back to work tomorrow and so I, of course, decided there was a bunch of things that needed to get done.  I’m now in bed elevating and icing.  

I’m both looking forward to, and a little nervous about tomorrow.  Yet another adjustment in this process with potential to derail.

Either way, my alarm is set.

So Far So Good

So far so good with my plan to get back on track.  Two days in a row doesn’t sound all that impressive, but it has to start somewhere.  And 2 days is better than 0.

Technically I would normally let myself sleep in on weekends.  But I feel like when you recognize a need for change, you need to do it then and there when the motivation and desire is fresh.  Not “I’ll start Monday” or “I’ll start next week or “I’ll start in the new year”.

Once I get back into a good routine, I can adjust.  Right now, I just need to be as consistent as possible.

Finally Some Direction

Today I ran through each form, for the first time in 8 weeks, using both my upper and lower halves while also reimplementing rotation and proper direction.

It wasn’t pretty.  My stances are super shallow…almost non-existent.  I’m still very very careful with any pivoting with that foot.  But it was interesting how I couldn’t really do anything with power or intensity with my upper half, when my lower couldn’t match it.  Meaning, because I was taking it slow and steady with my legs and feet, my arms and hands couldn’t exceed that same pace.

Anyhow, even at the extremely low intensity, it was exciting to be able to do these physically again.

My List To Get Back On Track

Okay.  So I know I’m in a rut here.  I guess recognizing that is the true first step. It’s also not totally unexpected.  As prepared as I tried to be going into this, 8 weeks into recovery from major bone surgery is bound to cause some challenges.

Step 1 Due Friday

I had a really great conversation with Sihing Csillag tonight about my recent blog of feeling stuck.

In my blog I mentioned how I know what to do, but just can’t initiate it.  So he suggested that I make a list of these things I need to do. A list might 1) indicate to others how they might be able to help and 2) define it better for myself.

I started thinking about this a little earlier today.  And I realized that I only had a couple of clear thoughts that came immediately to mind…which made me wonder if perhaps I DON’T know exactly what I need to do.

Which makes this exercise an important first step.

So I don’t have a list yet.  But I will.  And I think I should set a deadline…so it doesn’t become something else I'm not doing.  So I intend to have a list…a plan of action….by Friday.  

Stuck

I need to do something.  I’m stuck in a rut.  I know what I need to do.  But I just can’t seem to initiate anything.

Too Many Twists

 

I just want to do stuff.  

I tried to shrimp today.  I tried to do Broadsword.  

Both caused too much twisting and I had to sit.

There’s no lingering pain.  So I’m fine.

But I’m getting frustrated.  I just want to do stuff.

Should Be

It’s been over a week now of walking in my boot.  Although initially I needed to take lots of breaks to elevate and ice, things have slowly improved.  This Thursday I will be cleared to start walking on my foot alone.  I’m fairly certain I will experience another “forward” setback when this happens.  I will likely have to move very slow again…testing my strength.  And I’m guessing I will see increased swelling again.  But hopefully this will be the last major reset in my recovery.  From there on in, the trajectory should be both forwards and upwards. Should be.  

Worn Out

I feel a little empty of thoughts on my Kung Fu today.  I’m not totally sure why.  Typically when I have nothing to blog about, it’s because I’m not training.

Now that’s not exactly the case here.  I am training.  But I will admit that it’s been feeling pretty lifeless.  Just the same things from day to day.  It’s been hard trying to keep things fresh.  And I think all the ideas I had at the beginning of this recovery and anything I’ve thought of along the way, have sort of worn out.  

I need to come up with something here.

Shifting Gears

I am a pretty organized person.  Especially when I'm tasked with leading something.  It both helps me to stay on track, reach the goals I've set out and to be able to clearly delegate to others as needed.

So when I teach, I always have a clear plan in advance.  Typically, my plans have worked out and haven't been derailed.  Although we are always warned that we should be ready to pivot when necessary.

Yesterday was probably the first time I had to do that in a significant way.

My original plan was to play a "game" of sorts while also practicing various sequences within the different forms that the kids know.  In order to give the kids a "refresher" before getting into the game, I planned to run through each form quickly, so it would be fresh in their heads for the game.  The first form up was Hseih Chien and it was very clear that we haven't covered that form for a while in class.  Which can definitely happen with the shear amount of content there is.  Realistically, I probably could have carried on with my original plan.  But one of the things that we talk about as instructors is that we recognize and meet the needs of the students, above all else.  So I may have WANTED to do one thing, but they NEEDED me to do another.

And so we spent our time refreshing and cleaning up Hseih Chien.  And when we gathered together again to do it once more as a class, things seemed to be back on track.

In this particular instance, the need was very clear and very obvious.  And it wasn't that hard for me to switch gears.  But I think something I could work more on as an instructor is to watch for the more subtle signs as well. 

A Couple More

Wake-up Call

I've really been struggling with my consistency being at home.  I don't really need to be anywhere at a certain time, so I tend to sleep in to my heart's content.  And then everything gets lost in the day.

I recently looked back on some blogs, and I saw, again and again, that when I lost consistency, it was because I didn't take care of things right in the morning, before the day carries me away.

And today I finally did it!!  I set my alarm for 6:30am, got up when it chimed, and managed to knock off a bunch of my requirements.

Sparring.

Forms reps.

Pushups.

Situps.

And a little bit of meditation.

And wouldn't you know it...my day itself has been running smoothly since.

I AM Both

Oh man what a great day.

I had the opportunity to lead the Young Dragons classes tonight.  It’s been a while.

It felt great to engage and interact with them again in that capacity.  Teaching is such a huge part of being a student.  And especially with my limitations at present, I’m finding that teaching and explaining is helping me gain insight into some of the very things I’m unable to do in a physical capacity.  And so I continue to learn by teaching.

By leading a class, or even a portion, not only am I teaching the students in front of me, but the student within as well.

I AM a teacher

I AM a student

Sidenote: my foot lasted both classes and felt really good!

Being Sensible Isn’t Really My Jam

I bumped my foot today.  I had my boot on, so I’m sure nothing serious happened.  But it was definitely sore for the rest of the day.

I wanted to go to class.  I had my uniform on, kids were fed, everything in order.  I kept telling myself it would be fine.  That it wasn’t serious.  But I also kept remembering what the doctor said about about not pushing and listening to my body.

And so as much as I didn’t want to, I stayed home and elevated and iced.  Fingers crossed it feels better tomorrow.

What's Normal Is Now

"Once I can walk again I can catch up."

"Once I am fully recovered I can start working on this [or that]."

"Once I am back to normal, everything else can get back to normal."

These are statements that I have said to myself many times over the last several weeks.  Until now, they seemed innocent...justified...appropriate even.  But today, I find them offending.  They have a dark spin that I suddenly don't like.  What I once saw as motivational thoughts to get me through, now seem like shackles that have held me back.

Perhaps these statements will ring true.  But perhaps they won't.

What if it takes months or years to "fully recover"?  What if "fully recover" doesn't even exist?  What if "normal" isn't the "normal" any more?

Do I just wait?  Coast until then?  Put certain things aside because I can't do them how I want to do them?

Who we are today is not who we will be tomorrow.  Our bodies, our abilities, our health, our perspectives, our thoughts....they are always changing from day to day.  Sure, they typically are changing very slowly...but sometimes not.  Sometimes our circumstances and our challenges from day to day can change drastically in a split second....and sometimes they won't ever change back.  What was normal yesterday, may not be normal today, and very likely won't be normal tomorrow.

I need to approach every single day like this IS my normal.  Because in this exact moment it really is.

Waiting for things to get back to normal is a wait that will never end.  Finding a way to accept and adapt to the very moment we are living in...and continuing to work towards our goals in those very moments....that is Mastery.

A Forward Setback

Leading up to being able to weight-bare in my boot, I was looking forward to being able to move around more, getting back to forms and jumping back into other physical aspects of my training.

I was wrong.  Things I thought I'd be able to start doing with the boot, will not yet be happening.  I'm excruciatingly slow.  I still do not have any real movement in that leg, except for just stepping forward in a linear fashion.  Turning and pivoting are still a no go.  And obviously in actually using this foot for the first time in 6 weeks and after going through major trauma, there is discomfort and minor pain.  Except for swelling, which I was able to manage, there was no pain or discomfort using the scooter.  Everything I had finally figured out with the scooter, is now obsolete and I now have to figure out how to modify with the boot instead, which brings a completely new set of challenges to work around.

And it dawned on me that this same thing will likely re-occur once I'm cleared to start walking without the boot.

Then when I'm cleared to begin higher impact activities.

Then...

Then...

At each stage, I will have to shift and adapt to my new circumstances.  I think it's finally starting to sink in how many steps, turns, dodges, weaves, jumps and crawls there actually are when recovering from a physical setback.  But at the same time, I also think I'm starting to see that regardless of the type of movement, they are all in a forward direction.

One absolute positive with the boot is that I can integrate better into classes and in teaching.  I might be slower, but I have better access and can better interact with the students.

Even a setback is moving forward.

The Feeling Is Mutual

Yesterday was my first day back at the Tiny Tigers class since May 30.  And when the first words out of Todai Smith’s mouth were “I just missed you so much”…my heart melted a little bit…because the feeling was 100% mutual.  It became a little more obvious to me yesterday just how much my Kung fu is wrapped up in teaching.

Turtle Pace

I am officially walking in my boot! I did not fall over like I expected.  So pretty much nailing it so far.

The boot itself is very awkward.  It makes my right leg 2 inches taller than my left...so there's both a limp and a hobble.  And if you can even believe it, I'm way slower than I was on the scooter.

I can really feel how weak my ankle is.  Likely one of the main reasons that I have to ease into walking with the boot on at all times.  It is providing support for my ankle and also helping to distribute the weight evenly on my foot.  

But even with the limitations of the boot, it's nice to be using this leg again.  I have a feeling that once I get going, the physical progress will increase exponentially.

Home Team

Today is Dan’s 41st birthday.  He is always so supportive of my goals and has never tried to hold me back from something I want to achieve.  He has done everything he can to continue to get both me and the kids to class while I’ve been unable to drive.  And he would never suggest that I miss class for any reason.  

Which is why I did today.

He never demands to be first priority. And that often makes him most deserving of that spot.

Kung Fu is a top priority for me.  But it’s not THE priority.  And let’s face it….I doubt I’d be having much success in any of this without the support I get from my team at home.

Before And After

As per my doctors appointment today, I am cleared to start walking in my boot on a Thursday.  He was very clear that there is to be no “pushing through” and that any pain, no matter how minor, is a sign that I have reached my limit.  

Regardless of his strict instructions, I am looking forward to some physical progress.

Picture is the before and after X-rays.  So cool what modern science can do.

Could I Have Done Something Different?

I know I just blogged about this yesterday, but it continues to dwell in my mind above most everything else.

The loss of muscle in my calf is really bothering me.  It’s such a shocking change.  There are truly no remnants of muscle. Why didn’t I see this coming?  Could I have done something to prevent it?  Did I really drop the ball here? Any of the exercises that I’ve been doing have helped keep my quads and hamstrings in decent shape, but I can’t think of anything that would have engaged my lower leg without also engaging my foot.  But realistically it’s too late now even if I could come up with something.

How long will it take to build this back up and what does this mean for my recovery? 

What The…

I noticed something a little surprising today.   I was putting on my air cast boot and noticed that my right shin seemed really bony.  After further inspection I could both see and feel the differences between my two legs.  Most especially in my calves.

This was really surprising to me.  I knew that I wouldn’t be using my right leg for a bit, so I’ve been doing some exercises mostly just for movement and to keep the joints working.  But not being able to weight bear limited anything I could do for strength.  

Chalk it up to naivety, but I hadn’t really anticipated this kind of muscle loss.

This Is Hard To Admit

I recently read "Buddhist Bootcamp" by Timber Hawkeye.

One of the chapters is titled "Repentance".  As I began reading it, I quickly realized that it was literally a list of things he had done throughout his life that he wanted to repent.  A list of essentially anything he had ever done that, in his perspective, had brought harm or suffering to someone or something else.

The quote he included was, "If you do not openly repent your wrongdoings, you are more likely to repeat them." - Cheng Yen

This struck me as a very valuable lesson and I thought to myself that this would be a good exercise.

What I wasn't expecting was the anxiety that began to arise when I actually began to take steps to begin.  I started to feel very ashamed of some of the initial things that came to mind, and I suddenly hesitated to dig any deeper.  Initially, it seemed like it would be easy.  I don't think I'm a terrible person.  But I've certainly done some stupid things that I would definitely consider terrible now.  So maybe it was just the memories bringing up feelings of regret and embarrassment and it just became too much all at once.  Either way, I now know this exercise will be extremely difficult.  I real test of my character.  And sadly, I realized today that I do not yet have the strength to do it.

I will carry this exercise forward with me.  It will be something that I will want to do at some point in my life because I think the quote above rings true and I think it's an important step in truly being at peace.

Stupid Sounding

I know this is going to probably sound really stupid, but over the last several weeks I’ve been working on refining a couple parts in my Kwan Dao form.  The “stupid” sounding part being that I can’t actually do it physically so how much can I actually be working on it. 

A while ago I asked Sihing Lindstrom to help me try out a couple different ideas, just to see if it was a possibility.  From there I’ve been “practicing” it in my head, tweaking and fine tuning here and there.  Smoothing it out and trying to envision how it will all flow and work in real life.

Prior to surgery I was feeling pretty good with my Kwan Dao.  I felt I was starting to understand how to work with it, rather than against.  To use its weight and size as an advantage, rather than in a way where it was a burden. So going into this, I think I was in a pretty good place to be able to “feel” the movements, without actually doing them.  Something I’ve also been doing is slowing the movements down at a speed where everything is clean and connected, but also defined.  Once I add the physical component back in, I will be trying to emulate this pace in order to bring these qualities to my form.

I won’t truly know until I’m able to test it physically.  So this may have all been for naught.  But if it does work out how I’ve been practicing in my head, it’s going to be awesome.

Breadcrumbs

I’m struggling to formulate a blog tonight.  My whole routine has been a disaster for weeks now.  No regularity.  People in the house.  Here to help, but also another cog in the wheel inconsistency.  Numbers dropping.  Training slipping.  Motivation slipping.  

I’ve blogged every day since January 16.  So after tonight’s mention of “breadcrumbs” I decided to take a look back.  Read a few and see if I could find anything to help.

And surprisingly a few jumped out.  

February 2 - “Driving It Home” - this one is about how morning training works for me and how when I don’t, the day typically falls apart.

February 12 - “I AM Capable” - this one addresses not focussing on an overall number and simply doing 200 pushups and sit-ups every day whenever I am capable. It’s about consistency and doing what I’m capable of, not just the minimum.

February 22 - “Morning Coffee, Morning Blog” - this one addresses how, just like my training, my mornings are when my blogs come more naturally.

Every single one of these addresses a few of the challenges I am currently facing.  And I bet I’d find more of the same lesson if I kept looking.  

It’s obvious with my blogs that I need structure. I need a plan. I need to utilize my mornings for my days to be successful.  It’s also obvious my blog is becoming a good resource for lessons that I might have to learn more than once.

We Shall See

Overall, I feel like I’ve done okay to this point with my recovery.  I’ve kept up.  I’ve continued to train and attend classes.  I’ve actively worked at remaining positive and motivated.  But I’m starting to feel like if I can’t reach some semblance of normalcy soon, things are going to start to unravel.

I’ve been challenged much more mentally over the last while, than physically, and I’m feeling fatigued because of the imbalance.  I need my body to start taking some of the load.  My mind is running on empty.

I tell myself I’m close.  To hang in there.  But again, it’s my mind that is feeling tired and overworked, so it’s becoming harder and harder to stay sharp and rational.  

I’m going to try and get a good nights sleep and start fresh tomorrow.  

An afterthought just popped into my head….I just realized that with no class on Monday (long weekend) and missing today for family reasons….perhaps THAT is what’s affecting me mentally at present.  

Yes…I’ll wait and see what tomorrow brings.

1 Week

I am one week away from [hopefully] being able to walk on my foot.  Still in the air cast boot, yes, but either way, this will be a major pivot point in my recovery.

I’m both excited and nervous.  Excited for the obvious reasons.  Nervous because I don’t really know what to expect.   Will I fall with the first attempt?  Will there be pain or discomfort?  How weak will that leg (ankle, knee, hip) be from the inactivity over the last several weeks?  Have things healed as they should?  Will I get bad news and have my recovery delayed?

I just want to start taking steps forward again.  Both figuratively and literally.

IHC Number Update - July 3, 2023

2023 Year of the Rabbit

Year of the Rabbit - January 22, 2023 to February 9, 2023 (384 days)

Base Requirements

Hand Form - Tai Chi Short Form  410/1000

Weapon Form - Kwan Dao  417/1000

Push-ups  20,202/50,000

Sit-ups  20,259/50,000

Sparring  410/1000

Kilometers 647/1609

Acts of Kindness  469/1000

Blogging/Online Presence - yup

Unexcused Absences - yup

Mastery by Stewart Emery - You'd think I'd be doing better at this since I have more time for my non-physical requirements. But I am not.  However, although I don't have it memorized, I do feel that I understand the premise.

Mend a Relationship - 👍

Lion Dancing - not yet

Tiger Challenge - complete!

Public Performances - Tiger Challenge

Core Curriculum - hope so

SRKF Projects and Initiatives - Children's Class Weekly Recaps, Spring Break Mad Minute Challenge, Earth Day, Dragon Dance organizing, Blood Drive

Personal Requirements

Monthly Movie/Game Family Night  5/12

Lion Dance Drumming - This is going okay actually.  I'm working on getting a bit more aggressive with my drumming.  My thunder drumming is coming, but I still need to work on longevity with it.

Chi Development - 👍

Establish online presence for pottery - I have some ideas to take some pictures, but it requires getting outside with all my stuff.  I might need to wait until I'm a bit more mobile.

Daily blogging  163/384 *13 of these are "I Am" blogs

Weekly Kick Assessment - no progress at this time

1001

I’m feeling good tonight.  Tired, but good.  I had a specific goal today, and I completed it.  I haven’t really felt lately as though I’ve been able to complete anything in full…so today was a real win.

1001 push-ups.  A variety of wall, weights and knee.

1001 sit-ups.  A variety of crunches, leg lifts, crunch twists and wood chops.

Thank you to those that sent me their numbers.  It kept me honest and moving throughout the day.

Embrace It

I don’t know why this popped into my head today. But I found myself recalling one of the old “Table Talk Tuesdays”. 

It was the one where we were asked “Do you learn more by failing or succeeding?”

Without hesitation I remember answering “by failing”. 

Why then, do we hate to fail so much?  Why do we actively avoid it so often with inaction?   If we truly want to learn and get better…if we truly want to get as much out of this journey as possible, shouldn’t we welcome failure?  Seek it out even?  Or if not that, at least embrace it when it comes?

This is something I’m working towards.