Boot Camp Meditation

To date, my meditation practice has always taken place alone.

Group meditation is completely different.  And boot camp was my first experience with it.

The walking meditation was amazing.  I felt so calm.  Except for the brief interruption from the big truck and trailer.  Even then, however, I still felt in the moment.  I remember thinking "Why are you moving so fast?"...but it was a gentle question in my head...more curiosity...not an accusation.  But I would guess he was likely thinking "Why are you guys moving so slow?!?!"....in frustration.  Lol.

As we walked, I found myself really hearing everyone's steps.  Although we all walked at different paces, it almost seemed that we were in sync.  Individually, we each had our own beat, but together we played a song.  At another point in time I heard a woodpecker, and oddly enough (maybe because I was so focused on his sounds?) I was able to look up into the tree and I found him immediately.  No joke!....I looked directly at him right away...way up and through all the brush.  It didn't seem odd to me at the time, but afterwards, I was surprised that I found him at all...never mind having my eyes go right to him.  Although it may have just been a fluke, it was a pleasant experience and I felt a brief connection with him.

On yet another occasion, we were walking towards a culvert.  I recall noticing every little detail of the grass, foliage and shrubs surrounding it.  The colours seemed so vibrant.  Everything so alive.  And as I looked closer, the culvert opening, amidst it all, was so dark and black.  Like a void...and I remember thinking how it was an entrance to a whole different amazing little world that I would never know in this life.

Upon returning, and as we went through the guided meditation, I became much more aware of all the different energies of everyone around me.  Typically, when I sit alone, the only source of energy I feel is myself.  So it's much easier to maintain focus and intent.  When surrounded by so many others, I found myself feeling a bit confused...almost pulled a bit.  So I decided to try something different, since I had so many others practicing with me, and I attempted to draw from the energy of the group.  I sensed it working and flowing into my own, (very cool), but then I suddenly felt like I was maybe taking it without permission and so I stopped.  Instead, I attempted to push (send?) my energy out towards everyone else.  I envisioned it flowing around the circle, available to whomever wanted it.  Or perhaps I should say for whomever needed it.  Whether this was successful or not, I would not know.

The portion on Feelings was the most difficult for me.  There are some things that have been causing me alot of pain lately.  And so I took the opportunity to look at them during this guided meditation.  It was not hard for me to find my feeling of joy.  In fact, I found myself smiling and wanting to laugh out loud.  Not because anything was funny.  Just because I found myself feeling really happy in that moment.  And not for any particular reason.  Again, just because I found myself feeling really happy in that moment.  And for me, smiling and laughter and happiness are often found together.  When we began looking for our pain and sorrow, again, it was not difficult for me to find.  And it hit me pretty deeply all at once and I began to cry.  But a good cry if that makes sense.  Not sobbing in anguish.  Just simple tears of sadness, recognizing that I am hurting.  And it's okay that I'm hurting.  And that I can take care of that hurt.

Describing my meditation is always so difficult.  It's such a personal experience and is often hard to put into words that don't come off as a little "coo-coo".  I tend to wonder if I don't just make these things up in my mind.  I often ask myself why I would be so "special" as to have these kinds of experiences.  But perhaps it's simply that I'm open to the possibility.  And that these experiences and possibilities are there for anyone who wants them.

Pottery Sept 19, 2021

So as indicated in last weeks' blog, "Pottery Sept 12, 2021", I managed to throw 4 viable pieces.

This weeks step was to trim my pieces and add handles.  I did another time-lapse video for funzies (below).  Trimming I'm not new to, but I have never attempted handles before.  I think mostly because I'm scared of making pieces that someone would actually use to drink out of.  And from what I can tell, even masters will experience problems with handles.  So this goal's purpose was essentially to get me out of my comfort zone and take some steps to further my pottery.

I have no idea if these will make it to the bisque firing.  They now need to dry completely for at least a few weeks.  In that time it's likely that the handles may crack.  But we'll see.  I will be ecstatic if 1 of the 4 makes it all the way to the end.  

Pottery is a bit of a process.  And often your efforts are "in the hands of the Gods" so to speak.  There are many steps that a piece needs to survive.  When they do fail, it's often not a failure that you can foresee.  You cannot be a potter if you expect things to always work out.  Having a step-by-step plan will certainly improve your chances, but it will not guarantee it.  Sometimes things just don't work out even if you did all the right things.  But with every failure I will learn.

"You must be able to correct yourself without invalidating or condemning yourself, to accept results and improve upon them." - Stewart Emery

Also, it never hurts to have a sense of humor with your personal efforts.  These are some of the ugliest, most oddly proportioned mugs I have ever seen.  The mitts on the person that would use that first one would have to be huge.  But in the flaws, I see the effort.  

Time to Breathe

Last nights meeting did not go as anticipated.  I was looking forward to it.  I was excited to hear everyone's shares and see how everyone is doing.  I had several things written down that I planned on sharing, none of which I did.  And what I did share, sent me into a very dark space.  It was something I had pushed aside and last night it just all came up.

I realized last night that many emotions have been building up for some time.

I am frustrated.  I am sad.  And I am tired.

I'm tired of hearing about it.  I'm tired of talking about it.  Yet I can't stop.

I want to argue and fight...yet I also just want to stick my head in the sand until it's over.

I want to claim I'm done caring....yet still find myself empathetic.

And if I am feeling this kind of turmoil inside, I'm no help to anyone.

I need to step back and breathe.

Pottery Sept 12, 2021

My personal goal of pottery has been left to the wayside for far too long.  It’s one of those things that always takes a back seat to everything else.  Today I shoved everything aside (don’t worry…I didn’t shove the kids TOO hard) and sat down at my wheel.  And boy have I missed it.

I’ve always felt like pottery has some significant similarities to Kung Fu.  I feel very grounded and centred when I throw.  Or at least that’s the goal.  And there are a lot of moving parts that need to come together just right in order to get the result you want.  Most definitely there is harmony.  

I’m also starting to learn that sometimes you need to just let things be. Try your best…do what you can…but if the results aren’t exactly as you hoped, take a deep breathe and try again another day.  Forcing a specific outcome tends to only guarantee failure.

I’ve included a video link below of a time lapse from today.  Kinda cool seeing it sped up like that.   The blog picture is of the 4 items I made today.  My official goal is a set of 4 matching coffee mugs.  Not quite there yet 🤣🤣🤣. These 4 will be trimmed and get handles next week.  Maybe not the last one…that might be a bowl…lol.   I definitely won’t be able to work any sort of magic that will somehow get them to match.   Lol.  But that wasn’t the point for today.

The point was that I took the time to sit at my wheel.  And I did.

This Moves This...That Moves That

It's truly amazing how our body works.  This moves this....that moves that.  This moves this so that that can move that.  Each part has it's own function, yet they all work together.  Sure it's possible to move just one body part.  For example, you can stand straight and stiff and simply throw a punch straight out.  But we know that throwing a punch like that, without incorporating anything else, does not result in a very good punch.  For any given intentional movement, there are several other supporting movements.  For ideal function, everything needs to work together.

So if we know that we ideally want everything working together to support one specific intent...what happens if we limit one of those supporting movements?  How much impact will that have?

Well, the answer is ALOT.  

I'm struggling right now with a shoulder injury.  I typically have a few ongoing injuries at any given time, but never anything super serious that has really limited me.  It's even often my shoulder.

Currently, however, it's in pretty bad shape.  And it seems to be affecting everything else down the line.  I noticed this morning that because I can't fully extend one arm, my other can't seem to finish what it needs to do either.  Because I can't fully complete the upper body techniques, the lower body movements seem incomplete as well.  I can't seem to fully sink into my stances.  I can't do the opening and closing bow properly and so my start and finish to my forms is pretty pathetic.  My flow is gone.  It's as if everything else is adjusting to suit the injury.  I'm only as good as my weakest link apparently.

As I was writing the above, a thought popped into my head.  Perhaps it's not just the physical injury alone causing the overall problem.  Perhaps the real issue with a more severe injury is that my original intent is no longer pure.  And maybe it simply can't be with the injury.  Although I'm trying to keep my original intent, it has changed anyways.  It is now to avoid further injury, to avoid the pain, and so everything changes to support that intent.

I wonder if that's why injuries can be so frustrating.  We adjust physically, because we have to, while desperately attempting to hold on to our original intent, which may just not be possible under the circumstances.

I'm thinking that in order to train (successfully) with an injury, adjustments will be needed physically, as well as with my intent, in order to find a balance.  Hopefully only temporarily.

IHC Number Update - September 7

 My September IHC Update

✅ = achieving/exceeding my numbers or generally on track where numbers don't really apply.  

❌ = behind on my numbers, things aren't going well or I haven't taken any steps to complete the goal yet.

➖ = unsure of progress, the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet, it may take the full year to properly evaluate, or it's something I would need my instructors to determine my success/failure.  I've decided to still list these things here just as a reminder that they are still requirements.

⭐ = Complete

Base Requirements

✅ Hand Form - Da Mu Hsing I-V  584/1000

✅ Knife Form - Goju-Shorei Talon  585/1000

✅ Push-ups  29,383/50,000

✅ Sit-ups  29,288/50,000

❌ Sparring  578/1000 *I'm just a hair behind on this but should be able to make up the rounds this week.

✅ Kilometers 1134/1609

✅ Acts of Kindness 591/1000

✅ Blogging/Online Presence

✅ Unexcused Absences

❌ Mastery by Stewart Emery *I haven't read this in a couple weeks.  As soon as something is introduced into my regular routine something always tends to fall off the rails.

✅ Mend a Relationship

➖ Lion Dancing

❌ Tiger Challenge

➖ Public Performances

➖ Core Curriculum - Instructors call

✅ SRKF Projects and Initiatives

Personal Requirements

❌ Weekly Dharma Talks - I'm definitely off target on this.  My goal here is to get in an hour of reading or podcasts each week.  I'm behind about 5 hours.  😑

➖ Pottery - I have my kiln wired up now.  Need to get some insulation and concrete board up and I'll be ready for a bisque fire.

❌ Box Jumps - I'm at a complete standstill on this.  My box has become a table again.

⭐ Learn how to change my car tires  - Complete.

➖ Learn how to change Oil  - still waiting for an opportunity.  I did assist in bleeding brakes though!  Not sure I'll ever use that knowledge again. lol

✅ Indoor Plant

✅ Save for Family Getaway - little by little

✅ Compliment Dan, Emma and Nathan at least once a day.

⭐ Children's book - Complete.

Old and New

This is one of those blogs that was difficult to put into words and may be even harder to understand.  I was hesitant to publish this, but decided to in case there are others that feel, or have felt, the same.

I've been struggling a bit internally with whom I can share my journey and to what extent.  

I rarely initiate a conversation about my Kung Fu.  But when asked, I try to be as honest as I can.  Some people will respond with interest or excitement and have even learned from my journey and have made fantastic changes to their own lives.  But most tend to scoff.  They can't comprehend why a person would work so hard at something with minimal benefits...or so it seems to them.  They can only seem to understand Kung Fu as a physical endeavor, and nothing more.  And so my commitment to it and my passion for it almost makes them uncomfortable…and they find it odd or different.  And I start to feel odd or different.  So more and more often I find myself hesitating or offering short answers without much substance.  I choose my words very carefully and tiptoe around anything that feels too personal.

As I progress...as I grow...as I change...the people that seem to understand me, are becoming fewer and fewer.  I will always have a small number of people that will continue to support and encourage me…Dan, my mom…but as non-martial artists, they don’t truly understand this journey.  The people that I can confide in and truly share my experiences with are diminishing, simply because they don’t get it.  I'm becoming more and more selective and am finding myself further and further removed from people I was once close with.  They haven't changed.  I've changed.  I envy those that found Kung Fu early on.  I almost feel like I’m in a place where I’m split in half right now.  Half old, half new.  Half trying to stay the same so I don’t lose connections with family and friends.  Half working hard at mastery, evolving and being better every day…but this means leaving some people behind.  I’m trying to maintain both…blend them…balance them.  But I’m not sure how, or if it’s possible.

Not Quite Mine

At this past IHC class on Thursday we practiced our forms to music.  This isn't the first time we've done this, but it was the first time that we did both our weapon form and our hand form.

When I did my hand form to the music, it didn't go all that great.  I found that my mind was split between my form and the music.  I felt distracted and I couldn't seem to bring the two together.  And I'm pretty sure I didn't do my form correctly and I'm certain I flew threw it with zero intent or flow.  

I know Da Mu Hsing.  I've done it exactly 561 times since February 12.  It's not mastered by any means, but I do know it.  But the moment an outside variable was tossed into the mix, everything fell apart.  Thinking about this afterwards I realized this is because Da Mu Hsing isn't quite mine yet.  As Sifu mentioned in class the other night in reference to her working on a specific piece of Lao Gar.....I can do the form...but I don't own the form....it's not mine yet.  I need to work on making it mine.

Da Mu Hsing I-V

Da Mu Hsing I-V.  This was the form I chose for the Year of the Ox.

In hindsight, choosing all 5 sections was what I would now call a somewhat "overenthusiastic" choice and perhaps a rookie move. But nonetheless, I made the commitment and I will follow through with it.  

With parts IV and V never being covered in the level 1 class, it was up to me to learn those later sections via the livestream videos and by utilizing 1-on-1's.  This presented some challenges.  There has been a lot of back and forth with progress videos and several things have been caught that way.  But there’s only so much that can be seen on a screen and it’s been rare that an instructor or higher cue belt has had the opportunity to see my form live.  

Having said that, I think this method of learning has actually provided me with an advantage and a boost in my training. The videos and 1-on-1’s have provided me with the basics, but the development and fine tuning has mostly been up to me.  I’ve really had to pay attention to what’s working and what’s not….what feels right and what doesn’t.  I’ve had to rely on my own self awareness rather than having someone simply point out that I’m doing something wrong.

My training with Da Mu Hsing hasn’t only been advantageous with the form itself…but also in developing the skills that allow me to recognize these finer details on my own.  And whenever you discover something on your own, your ability to retain it…and to apply it in other areas increases exponentially.  

Ultimately, I'm really pleased with how my Da Mu Hsing form is evolving.

Although now that I think about it, it still hasn’t really been seen in a live scenario….so this is sort of an uneducated opinion.  Lol. 

Pushed

This week has been very challenging for me.  Ms Lee’s “Aversive Wednesday’s” come to mind.

There have been a lot of kicks.  And if I had to pick the one thing that I am weakest at, it would be kicks.  And I mean this both physically, and mentally.  I work at them constantly, but they are still a struggle.  Add in all the repetitions, the variety, the bagwork and the race....and I was pushed much further than I ever have been before.  By the end, I was totally and completely gassed.  Thank-you to Ms Poitras for not being easy on me and making me fight for every inch.  Truly.

These classes are what I have been needing.  And I hope there will be more.  Being pushed to the limit keeps me from over-thinking...hesitating...or getting frustrated...because there's just no time.  Keep going, or be left behind.

"Less Yack, more Smack"....wise advice.

Challenges

I know it will probably come as a great shock to all of you, but I like challenges.

Challenges, for me, tend to shake things up a bit to the regular day and provide both physical and mental stimulation.  They are something that generates excitement and engagement with the team and the school.  I enjoy coming up with ways to engage, and help others do the same, and am continually inspired by everyone that participates.  It promotes that feeling of comradery amongst us and they become a common goal that we can work towards together.  And yes, it leaves me with a feeling of accomplishment when I manage to complete them successfully.  When we are on a life long journey, full of ups and downs, as we are in Kung Fu, these little "wins" along the way can help us maintain the momentum we need to continually move forward.  

In addition to all of this, challenges are yet another opportunity to learn.  I enjoy testing various techniques and methods to see what works for me and what doesn't.  I also find it interesting to see what works, or doesn't work, for others.  My intent with challenges isn't that I continue on with it 100% once it ends.  My intent is that I learn something from it, even if I'm not ready to implement that knowledge right away.  As with so many of the things we are being exposed to, once the seeds are planted, they will be there ready to grow when the conditions are right.

Maybe I Should Get Some Fish

As I mentioned at our meeting, I feel like I haven't really had much downtime to reflect or sift through all my thoughts, as of late.  I'm actually pretty sure my share at class was somewhat scattered and disorganized, so I apologize for that.  It's funny, because I had sorted through some things that I was going to share prior to our meeting, and then when the time came I found myself unable to reign them in and present them in a coherent way.  Most things weren't even mentioned.  I started 4 different blogs today, all with plenty of content...none with much direction or clarity.  So I decided to just write this one. 

It’s not a feeling of being overwhelmed.  I typically have a lot going on and am always pretty busy with various projects.  There was a time when Emma was about 3, Nathan just born, we had just moved to the acreage, 2 dogs, 3 feral cats that adopted us….and I decided I needed to get an aquarium and fish.  Whenever things are hectic, it’s now a running joke with my Father in Law that I should get some fish.  But I'm also the type that flourishes with alot going on.  I thrive with the activity.  And I've always been really good at multi-tasking and compartmentalizing, but over the last week or so I can't seem to keep things as orderly as normal.  I would describe it as not being able to decompress or debrief.  If that makes any sense.

So when things don't seem to be flowing as nicely as they normally do, I like to take stock of what's changed....what's different…to see if I can pinpoint the issue.  And there seem to be a couple things.

The first is that I haven’t been blogging as often as I normally do.  This might be because the majority of my computer time has been utilized for the demo video.  And I’ve mentioned before how the more I blog, the more I’m able to progress by reflecting regularly on what I'm doing.  If I’m blogging less, this might be contributing to why I haven’t been able to keep everything as clear and organized as normal.

Something else that has been missing recently from my daily routine is my meditation.  It was cut and replaced by some of the other physical things I've been wanting to accomplish.  But I wonder now if that's something that shouldn't be sacrificed.  I wonder if I have somehow upset the balance I had established.

Only one way to find out I suppose.

IHC Number Update - August 3, 2021

 My August IHC Update

✅ = achieving/exceeding my numbers or generally on track where numbers don't really apply.  

❌ = behind on my numbers, things aren't going well or I haven't taken any steps to complete the goal yet.

➖ = unsure of progress, the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet, it may take the full year to properly evaluate, or it's something I would need my instructors to determine my success/failure.  I've decided to still list these things here just as a reminder that they are still requirements.

⭐ = Complete

Base Requirements

✅  Hand Form - Da Mu Hsing I-V  489/1000

✅  Knife Form - Goju-Shorei Talon  491/1000

✅ Push-ups  24,952/50,000

✅ Sit-ups  24,963/50,000

✅ Sparring  490/1000 *I'd like to get better at my sparring...but I'm not really sure how.  I practice the 1, 2 and 3 step sparring alot...and "jab, reverse, hook, uppercut" is getting a bit overdone....lol.  I had an idea of coming up with some "choreographed" sparring sequences that I could just play out because I really need to incorporate more variety.

✅ Kilometers 952/1609

✅ Acts of Kindness 498/1000

✅ Blogging/Online Presence

✅ Unexcused Absences

➖ Mastery by Stewart Emery - I understand the premise, but certainly can't recite it yet.

✅ Mend a Relationship - I am going camping with my brother in September and he has invited my Dad along.  And I'm actually looking forward to it.

✅  Lion Dancing - we've been working on this in class recently.  I still feel mostly awkward, but I think I'm starting to find some moments of clarity in my movements.

 ❌ Tiger Challenge

✅  Public Performances - Virtual demo...but I'm thinking some live ones will be in my future soon.

➖  Core Curriculum - Instructors call

✅  SRKF Projects and Initiatives - nearing completion of the pushup/situp demo video!

Personal Requirements

➖  Weekly Dharma Talks - I haven't been reading much the last bit as I've been spending most of my spare time on the demo video.   Hmmm....is this an excuse?  Or a reason?  It's sometimes hard to tell.  I suppose I will know once the video is done and that time opens back up.

❌ Pottery - Still haven't gotten back on the wheel.  Although I have been writing down lots of ideas.  But I need take those ideas from paper and actually do them.

❌  Box Jumps - I haven't made one attempt since I fell.  🐔

⭐ Learn how to change my car tires  - Complete.

➖ Learn how to change Oil  - still waiting for an opportunity.  I did assist in bleeding brakes though!  Not sure I'll ever use that knowledge again. lol

✅ Indoor Plant - this is all going really well!  It's just a part of my day and every time I look at them I have a certain sense of pride.  It's funny how plants can make me smile so easily.  I need to get myself a double sided stand of some kind for in front of my windows and then I'll probably expand.

✅ Save for Family Getaway - it's measly but I've started once again.

✅ Compliment Dan, Emma and Nathan at least once a day.

⭐ Children's book - Complete.