Easy Out

I hate to say it...but I think the requirement to post our numbers, if nothing else, is actually working against me.

After blogging straight for 221 days last year, I ended up breaking my blogging rhythm, rather than enhancing it.  Ever since then, blogging has been a struggle.  What was once easy and natural, is now difficult and often forced.  I can't seem to put words together anymore and often start and restart a blog 10 times, never really knowing what I'm trying to say or where I'm trying to go.  But I still always made myself do it.  I scratched and scraped bits and pieces together...no matter how haggard...and continued to fulfill the base blogging requirement of once a week.

Being handed the numbers topic has become a bit of an "easy out" for me and I think I need to [grudgingly] admit that I am using this more than I should.  Too hard to blog...just post the numbers...running out of time...post the numbers.  I'm not proud of it...but having this "fall back" has actually become an excuse not to push for something more.

I wouldn't consider myself a "bare minimum" type of person and I really wish I could get myself out of this blogging funk I've been in for almost a year.  Hopefully if I just keep going it will eventually sort itself out.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 14513
Situps = 14319
Fan = 322
Long = 259
Sparring = 202
Km's = 348

Maybe Not Fully Prepared...But I Think I'm Ready

I'm not sure I feel fully prepared for the Tiger Challenge.  But I remember feeling this same way last year, so I think this may just be a normal feeling for me leading up to any event where I need to put my skills on display.  I don't know if anyone feels 100% ready.  At some point you just have to say "Ok.  I've put the effort in.  Now I just enjoy the day and see what happens!"

I had a solid plan for a while for what I would be doing.  As it's gotten closer, certain things just haven't felt quite right and I've made some changes to the forms I'll be doing.  I remember last year, I changed my Hand Form about 30 seconds before it was my turn to perform. I'm glad I did, as my intended form just wasn't feeling right in the moment.  I'm also glad I maintained my other form to the point that I was able to do it with both confidence and competence.

That has sort of been my general philosophy this time around.  Make a plan, but make sure to keep up with other forms at the same time.  This will allow be to make last second decisions depending on my mood the day of...ensuring that my spirit is aligned with what I'm about to do.

Obviously there are some events where this isn't possible.  Anything with a partner...and the musical form...are probably pretty much set in stone.

But should the mood strike, I have several hand forms and a few weapons ready to go.

So no...I don't really feel fully prepared...but I still think I'm ready.

Doing Something Even While Doing Nothing

I had a really terrible day a couple weeks ago.  Really, really terrible.

I had been sick all week.  So hadn't been at the Kwoon.  Nor had I been able to train at home.  Eventually on the Sunday, after a few rounds of antibiotics, I felt I was feeling up to some training.  It did not go well.  My forms fell apart.  I was off-balance. I was still feeling tired and weak.  Zero harmony.  I was totally disconnected, not just from my Kung Fu, but from myself.

From there I became frustrated and impatient.  Becoming short with my kids....spiraling into more guilt from there.  Feeling like a failure as a student, instructor, mom, partner.  Dan was working, so I didn't have that support while in the thick of it.  But once he got home, during a conversation, he said "do you think this has anything to do with not being at Kung Fu all week?".  And yeah...now that it was said out loud, I think this was a big factor.

In hindsight, it was inevitable that things were going to fall off the rails.  While sick, I just laid in bed...which was needed for sure.  But I had zero connection to my Kung fu.  I didn't think to read a book.  I didn't think to just go sit quietly in my training area.  I didn't think to just breathe mindfully.  My thought was "I'm sick.  I need to rest and do nothing."  But even in doing nothing, there are ways to stay connected.  My Kung Fu is how I take care of myself, both physically and mentally.  It's how I ensure that I am happy, healthy and aligned...again...not just physically, but mentally and spiritually.

The Kwoon is a very special place, yes.  But I don't want this to be a thing where I spiral if I'm not at the Kwoon.  My Kung Fu is with me all the time and I want to be able to maintain that connection no matter where I am or what my circumstances are.  Now that I recognize better why this happened, I can do better should...when...it happens again.  And there is no doubt it will...for some reason or another.  But next time I will be better prepared to do something even while doing nothing.

May 18 Numbers

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 12963
Situps = 12984
Fan = 295
Long = 254
Sparring = 200
Km's = 317

This Week

 IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 12103
Situps = 12564
Fan = 266
Long = 241
Sparring = 200
Km's = 300

A Week Lost

Last weekend I was feeling pretty off.  I had aches and chills along with head congestion.  But Tuesday I was feeling better!!...or so I thought.  Come Wednesday things took a nose dive.  I had extreme pain throughout my sinuses, forehead and ears.  And nothing I did was relieving the pain.  I tried everything.... steam...nasal mist...medication.  Nothing worked.  And so I endured 2 straight days with no sleep.  I finally dragged my sorry butt to a walk-in clinic Friday morning and got the official diagnosis of a sinus infection.  I am now a few doses into a round of antibiotics, and feeling soooooo much better.

Needless to say my week was a bust.  Numbers suffered greatly.  No Tiger Challenge progress.  Missed both my classes.

But I'm still here.  And now you all know why I was MIA this week.

I will be needing some support to make up on some of the numbers I missed out on this week.  So you might see some random "spur of the moment" mini challenges.  Not today though.  I tried a couple reps of Long and got very dizzy very quickly.  Funny how something as simple as sinuses can wreak such havoc when they aren't working right.

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 11403
Situps = 11342
Fan = 260
Long = 226
Sparring = 200
Km's = 277
AOKs = 238

Where My Besties At?!?!?

With these recent questions regarding our commitment to the IHC team and the requirements that go with it, it got me thinking about my besties.  My IHC Dragon besties.

A few classes ago, we randomly paired up (in my case it was 3...and then we ended up adding a 4th that had been online that class and needed a group).  We were tasked with sharing at least 1 of our personal goals with each other.  We were further tasked with agreeing to support each other in those goals for the duration of the year.  I took this to heart.

And I'm really proud to say that my bestie group has utilized this as a tool.

We immediately formed a WhatsApp Bestie group chat.  We've kept in touch and reached out randomly just to check in on each other...especially when we've noticed someone stalled out with their requirement(s).  We've issued challenges and spurred each other on when we see each other struggle.  In fact, I might still be struggling with my "100 Notes" requirement if not for my bestie group getting me going.

So I ask you....where are your besties and what are they doing?  And if you can't answer that, I would encourage you to find out.

And having said that...I need to go poke one of mine right now.

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 10758
Situps = 10602
Fan = 254
Long = 199
Sparring = 190
Km's = 248
AOKs = 220

Accountability

This blog is in response to a suggestion made by Todai Thelwall in regards to blogging.  I've linked her blog here as well for reference. 

https://knightofpentacles2.blogspot.com/2024/04/blog-metrics.html

I actually had an in-depth conversation about this over the weekend and so have had lots of thoughts spinning about.  My response became so lengthy I decided to record it as a blog.

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I did something similar to your [Kat's] spreadsheet after the meeting for 2 reasons.  One, I wanted to look deeper at my own blogging to ensure that I was fulfilling that requirement and not off in La-La land only THINKING I was nailing it, but really wasn't.  Two, my personal perception was actually that the blogging this year has actually been MUCH BETTER than previous years, and so I was somewhat surprised that the subject of this surprise meeting was blogging.  In my first couple years on the team, there was only a small handful of people blogging consistently.  So I wanted to see if my perception was accurate and to maybe even "stick up" for the team a bit and say "it's actually better than ever!".  And even though my perception was accurate...and yes, more people are blogging regularly (or very close to) than previous years...it was quickly and clearly pointed out that this doesn't change the fact that this requirement has been made SO super simple, that there are really no excuses anymore for EVERYONE not to be fulfilling it 100%.  And I honestly couldn't find any way to disagree with that.

We are already supposed to accurately track our numbers in such a way that we should always know exactly where we are, at any given moment.  And we are already supposed to blog each week.  These 2 requirements have now been COMBINED to kill 2 birds with 1 stone.  If we have nothing else to include in our blog, we simply post the numbers we should already have.  And even if we HAVEN'T been tracking...or HAVEN'T been completing our numbers...we simply write 0.  And BAM, blog is done.  It's literally that easy.  Sure, our numbers may not look great...and a person might be embarrassed to post them so they choose not to...but that just means we've failed with 2 requirements.  At least posting a zero fulfills the blogging requirement and we can still at least feel good about that.  NOT blogging is a simple choice of doing it or not.  We can't say we didn't have time...we can't say we have nothing to blog about...we can't say we are bad writers.  It's laid out now in such way that answers any reason we can come up with.  And I think this is why the Master instructors are so concerned that they felt they had to hold a special meeting.  If we can't fulfill this requirement at such a simplified level, how will we ever progress to a Master level? 

I had a few ideas myself to try to help people remember, or be more accountable...or have a topic....or, or, or...but any way you look at it...these ideas just ADD another step...another requirement.  And the blogging is already set out to be as simple and easy as anyone could possibly make it.  A super simple subject is already set out and all we have to do is copy/paste/revise and hit "publish".  

Having said that, all ideas are potentially good ideas and can often spark others.  So it's awesome that you [Kat] have taken the time to try and come up with something to help the team.  You are always ready and willing to take on more to help the rest of us, and you have no idea how it feels to have a team-mate like that.  So keep that shit up.  Lol.

However, I would be hesitant with this particular approach.  Although you are absolutely correct, this info is technically already public and we shouldn't be opposed to having it displayed, I could see it causing more guilt (as Todai Bauer mentioned) and maybe even resentment rather than a means of support and accountability as intended.  The problem for me would be knowing that a fellow team-mate was specifically keeping tabs on my numbers in the background...and then shining a light on them for all to see and saying "this person is doing good"...and..."this person is not".  Although it's pretty clear who is or who isn't, this public spreadsheet almost makes it a blatant comparison between team members...which is a very slippery slope, as we all know.

One of my first thoughts when Sifu Brinker asked us for input on how to fix this was "Well, there's really no accountability when people don't fulfill a requirement.  People need to be more accountable."  (And please note that this thought includes myself as there are requirements that I am behind on as well). I brought this up in a conversation later, as feedback...but I really didn't have an answer on what that would mean or look like.  After thinking on it alot more afterwards, I realized that there are a couple different ways to approach "accountability".  A person can be HELD accountable by someone or someones.  Or they can BE accountable for themselves.  The difference is akin to "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime."  We often say (and hear) that being part of a team makes us accountable.  And being accountable can often provide motivation.  But I realize now that this accountability isn't (and can't be) set by the team.  It needs to be set by the individual.  The team can't make us accountable.  We CHOOSE to make ourselves accountable to the team.  I found the following quote and it really brought it all together for me.

"Accountability is the attitude and practice of willing individuals to take responsibility for themselves and to communicate with others about their choices and behavior so they can show their integrity and grow in maturity." - unknown

As a team I think we continue to provide suggestions, support, challenges and encouragement.  We can pick each other up, offer hugs, cheer and clap.  But "to do" or "not to do" needs to be left to the individual in order for them to truly grow.

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 10508
Situps = 10402
Fan = 253
Long = 197
Sparring = 190
Km's = 248
AOKs = 209

Fingers Crossed

For the first time in over 4 years, I am not practicing my Tai Chi in a formal capacity. Meaning, although I am still practicing on my own, I am not attending classes.  This was a decision that was difficult to make, and that I didn't take lightly. Tai Chi is a benefit not only to my Kung Fu training, but to me and my overall well-being in general. It worried me that if I didn't continue with formal classes to hold myself accountable, it would end up falling to the wayside.  I also didn't want to let down my instructors that have put so much time into my training and been so important in my Tai Chi development.  Nor did I want to give a false perception to other students that Tai Chi isn't worth doing.  I strongly believe in leading by example and I feared (and still do) that stepping back could possibly lead others to think it would be no big deal if they did the same.

But I was missing time with my kids during the week.

Sure we still had weekends. But I felt like the weeks were flashing by and I was missing it. From Monday to Friday...between my workday, Kung Fu class, teaching, helping at Adult Level 1, etc...I was literally seeing them (not counting me teaching their Kung Fu classes) for a total of 4-6 hours over those 5 days. And I didn't feel good about that. There will come a day where the opportunity to spend time with them won't even be an option. Who knows where life will take them. My opportunity to be with them, to connect with them and to ensure that our relationship lasts far beyond when they venture out on their own...is now.

So I made the decision to pull back on Mondays and Wednesdays, attending my core class only on those days, which works well because as I am leaving the house, they are starting to wind down and get ready for bed. This has opened up quality time to connect and share our days, help them with homework, have supper together, just hang out...and even more recently, practice our Tiger Challenge stuff together.  And it's been really good.

Kung Fu is all around me all the time. It's in my day to day. A set class time might not always work for me...a formal setting might not always be possible....but I feel I'm in a place where I am strong enough in my discipline and my training that I can shift my priorities without totally sacrificing any. I hope I can anyways.

Unexpected Ripple Effect

In last night's class, as we worked on Lao Gar, Sihing Lindstrom noticed that I was slightly off-center with one of my stances. Not a huge deal, just something to correct. During the next rep, I made sure to fix that alignment and BAM!...another minor tweak along the way to mastery.

BUT WAIT! As we held that pose (we were going step by step at this point) he noticed that my hand positioning was totally wrong! Instead of my right arm up with a forearm block and my left striking out with a palm heel, I was opposite! What the heck? Have I been doing it wrong all along? I find it odd that nobody would have pointed it out by now if that was the case. Plus, I know what the positioning is supposed to be. I've seen it. Taught it even!! Hadn't I?? But suddenly I was feeling vey confused. So I tried to figure out last night what my "norm" was and I found that I just couldn't. They both felt fine....probably because I was overanalyzing by that point. And I found myself thinking,

"I wonder if that correction to my stance has caused a glitch down the line?"

Well, it just so happens that I try and take progress videos of all of my forms now and again. And I was able to look back to find my answer. In all the past videos I was, in fact, doing it correctly. So the only thing I can think of is that tweak to my stance caused an unexpected ripple effect. And I find that very interesting. It's dawned on me suddenly that it could be beneficial to have my forms reviewed in full, and in person, once in a while to ensure that I haven't just suddenly made something up along the way without even realizing it.

Kung Fu In Real Life

So I was having a shower...mid-shampoo....eyes closed for fear of soap getting in my eyes...when I knocked one of the bottles off the shelf with my elbow. Instead of it crashing to the ground, as it has many times before...I maintained contact between the bottle and my elbow as it tipped and fell. In seemingly slow motion, I followed it's weight and momentum (eyes still closed) and was able to grab it with my other hand.

Dumb story maybe...but my instantaneous thought was..."Look at that! Real life sticky hands!". 😂

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 9368
Situps = 9352
Fan = 245
Long = 178
Sparring = 167
Km's = 219
AOKs = 188

Sacrilege

I confessed last week that I don't love sparring. 

Since then, I've had some discussions with others and have been trying to change my perspective a bit.

I applied some of these strategies on Monday night.

1. Pick one thing to work on.
I chose to focus on keeping my guard up on my center. Not right by my face...framing a nice big target for my opponent (as Sihing Lindstrom would describe it). But slightly out in front and always on my center. Surprisingly this was a success for the most part. I deflected more strike attempts to my face Monday night than I think I ever have. Don't get me wrong, I got hit, BUT I think I made it harder for my opponents and forced them to think about it a little more. If memory serves, it also seemed like the majority of hits that landed were forced to come from around the side. To me this means I might have even been controlling the match to a small degree. And now that I have an idea of where my opponent might go if they can't get by that main guard, I can start working on strategies to defend that as well. I'm not suddenly a force to be reckoned with, but I think at least I was making things a little harder for my opponents.

2. Focus on learning, not winning/losing.
This was a big shift....and easier said than done. Thoughts that typically precede a sparring match go something like "Oh boy, I'm going to be dominated here"...or..."I can tell that this opponent is eager to beat me"....or..."I just gotta get through this next 60 seconds". Thoughts like this set me up for failure right from the onset. My mind is focused on a "winner" and a "loser"...which I've already predetermined. And not only that...there isn't even a "winner" or "loser" in this scenario to begin with.  I've fabricated this in my head and have created this anxiety and fear around it.  Changing my mindset to that of learning made a huge difference on Monday. Maybe not visually to an observer, but there was definitely less negative clatter in my head. I wasn't so much in survival mode, but instead was simply trying to collect data.

Of course one class has not changed everything so much that I suddenly can't get enough sparring...but maybe I just might be able to progress to the point that at least I don't fear it so much.  And then maybe even some more progress after that.

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 8805
Situps = 9102
Fan = 237
Long = 165
Sparring = 147
Km's = 200
AOKs = 178

Frozen By Fear

I am really not doing well with one of my personal requirements.  

My goal was to give out "100 notes to a stranger" over the course of the year.  I have given out zero so far.  

I was so excited about this requirement!!  I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of one of these.  It made me feel seen.  It made me feel connected.  I want other people to feel that way.  To know that they are important and that they belong and that I see them.

So what's holding me back?

I have developed a fear of rejection.  The world is a funny place these days.  People are very guarded.  Suspicious.  Closed off.  And I have this worry that someone might throw it back in my face or be weirded out, or maybe even feel patronized or judged.  

And so now I find myself overthinking it.  Worrying that it will not be received as intended.  And I'm just sitting here frozen.

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 8515
Situps = 8227
Fan = 237
Long = 151
Sparring = 130
Km's = 185
AOKs = 166