I had been sick all week. So hadn't been at the Kwoon. Nor had I been able to train at home. Eventually on the Sunday, after a few rounds of antibiotics, I felt I was feeling up to some training. It did not go well. My forms fell apart. I was off-balance. I was still feeling tired and weak. Zero harmony. I was totally disconnected, not just from my Kung Fu, but from myself.
From there I became frustrated and impatient. Becoming short with my kids....spiraling into more guilt from there. Feeling like a failure as a student, instructor, mom, partner. Dan was working, so I didn't have that support while in the thick of it. But once he got home, during a conversation, he said "do you think this has anything to do with not being at Kung Fu all week?". And yeah...now that it was said out loud, I think this was a big factor.
In hindsight, it was inevitable that things were going to fall off the rails. While sick, I just laid in bed...which was needed for sure. But I had zero connection to my Kung fu. I didn't think to read a book. I didn't think to just go sit quietly in my training area. I didn't think to just breathe mindfully. My thought was "I'm sick. I need to rest and do nothing." But even in doing nothing, there are ways to stay connected. My Kung Fu is how I take care of myself, both physically and mentally. It's how I ensure that I am happy, healthy and aligned...again...not just physically, but mentally and spiritually.
The Kwoon is a very special place, yes. But I don't want this to be a thing where I spiral if I'm not at the Kwoon. My Kung Fu is with me all the time and I want to be able to maintain that connection no matter where I am or what my circumstances are. Now that I recognize better why this happened, I can do better should...when...it happens again. And there is no doubt it will...for some reason or another. But next time I will be better prepared to do something even while doing nothing.
Not sure what kind of sick you were, but if it involved any sinus stuff, push-ups are a great trick to clear your nose, weird but it works! (Not permanently, but long enough to properly blow your nose)
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