Why Am I Here?

Why did I join? I enrolled Nathan at Silent River in September of 2019. After watching him for a couple of months, I noticed big changes in him. And I thought maybe Kung Fu could be the change for me as well. At that time in my life I was looking for something "bigger". It was as if I had achieved everything that I had wanted...and was at a point where I was just coasting. I wanted more. I wanted purpose and meaning in my life. I wanted to be a part of something important. I wanted to DO something important. Seeing how it changed Nathan, I was hopeful I would find it at Silent River.

Why do I stay? Because I did.

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 5473
Situps = 5236
Fan = 203
Long = 81
Sparring = 44
Km's = 98
AOKs = 99

Ranking

This blog developed while I was writing the last one about my confidence. I'm not sure what train of thought lead me to this, but I suddenly found myself "ranking" myself in the different areas of our curriculum. Maybe I was looking for something in which my confidence hasn't waned. Maybe it was all fresh in my head from Sifu Rybak's recent article. Either way....this is where my thoughts ended up. What's interesting is that, initially, I very quickly (and confidently...ironic yes) ranked myself (my initial rankings are in brackets below). But then I ended up re-arranging them. Is it my current confidence level that prompted the re-arranging? Or is the re-arrangement actually more accurate? I'm not sure.

1. Green - Lifestyle and Leadership (4)
2. White - 6 Harmonies (1)
3. Orange - Dynamic Control (2)
4. Blue - Traditional Tenets (2)
5. Yellow - Vocabulary of Motion (6)
6. Black - Wuxin - No Mind (5)
7. Red - Keystone Principles (7)

Again, I'm not sure what the point of me doing this was or if it serves a purpose. I suppose it might be interesting to see if this changes over time. It was just a path that my thoughts took as I try to navigate my confidence level at present.

I AM an Example

I've been feeling my confidence slipping lately.

It feels like my "misses" are greatly outweighing my "hits", so to speak. Like I can't quite get things right. Nothing major on it's own, but little fails, struggles or mistakes continue to build up and I'm starting to feel their collective weight.

When my confidence is low, I feel like a fraud. As a blue belt, an IHC team member, an instructor and a parent...I need (want) to set an example for those around me. So here I am, trying to encourage and motivate others, trying to lead by example, trying to demonstrate, trying to teach...all the while feeling like I'm the most unqualified person to be doing any of it.

Yet I recognize that the desire in me to set a good example and to be a good leader is actually the thing that is keeping me moving forward in times like this. I encourage others to keep moving, keep trying, keep pushing...even when they are feeling discouraged...and so that is the example I want to set.



IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 4612
Situps = 4636
Fan = 151
Long = 69
Sparring = 24
Km's = 86
AOKs = 151

I Did A Thing

So I did a thing. After getting some experienced insight from a pro into the world of markets, along with a wise piece of advice..."First commit, then figure it out"...I took the plunge and applied to the Alberta Beach Farmer's Market. I got an email today saying that my application has been approved. Meaning I will be attending this market for 3 different Sundays over the summer. What have I done?? Eek.

My Dragon Personal Requirements

I typically share these publicly so here they are.

1. “100 Notes To A Stranger” – throughout the year I will write and share 100 inspirational/uplifting notes to various strangers.
2. Participate in a market with my pottery.
3. Take each, Emma and Nathan and Dan (separately), on a 1-on-1 special weekend.
4. CARRY FORWARD - Lion/Dragon Dance Drumming - learn to play a full lion dance with the ultimate goal of playing for a demo.

I'm proud to say that I was given the opportunity early on to fulfill my drumming goal! I now have a banquet and 2 demos under my belt, with hopefully more to come. Moving forward I want to experiment a bit with my drumming. I have some ideas that may (or may not..lol) add to our Lion and Dragon dances. We will see!


IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 3545
Situps = 3625
Fan = 57
Long = 45
Sparring = 18
Km's = 1538
AOKs = 71

Last Second Change

I made a change to my requirements right at the last second.

I had originally intended to carry forward my Kwan Dao into the Year of the Dragon. But leading up to banquet day, my instinct told me that I wouldn't be able to sustain it for another year. In a mental capacity that is. Meaning I did not think I'd be able to maintain excitement or stimulation with it for another full year. To date, the Kwan Dao has been my favourite weapon. I connected with it right away and I was gaining insights even to the end of the year. I do not plan to lock it away only to collect dust and I do have an opportunity that will require that I continue training with it, which I am very excited about. But my gut told me to switch it up.

And so I began to ponder what new weapon I would attempt to master, that would also still support my other goals. Much of my training is still geared towards my Chi development. And the Kwan Dao was integral to that. The weight of such a weapon forced me to utilize my energies in a much different way than with a stick or sword. Muscling it was not an option and I really had to incorporate all of the harmonies, and both external and internal energy, to maximize it's efficacy.

My thoughts went to the fan.

Where I would describe the Kwan Dao as a "hard" weapon that demands the full use of both external and internal energy...I see the fan as a "soft" weapon that will require the same. But that is coming from a place of zero experience in the matter, so this remains to be seen.

As I have started to work with my fan, I must confess I am a little lost. To be quite frank, the thought "I think I've made a terrible mistake" has crossed my mind. With my Kwan Dao I just picked it up and started swinging. Although controlling a weighted weapon is something totally different, it was still fairly easy to translate techniques from stick, our base weapon. Slice, stab, chop, etc. Even articulations had similarities, albeit modified to suit. But so far I am failing to link anything obvious from the stick to the fan.

However, after a recent 1-on-1, I can see I was being too literal with transferring my knowledge. True, there might not be a direct correlation of techniques. Meaning, I can't really take how I would wield a stick, alter it somewhat, and then apply that to the fan (like I could with the Kwan Dao....or how we can see those physical similarities to the sword or nunchuks). What I CAN transfer are the concepts. For instance, when working with any weapon, we want to work with the weapon, not against it. So for the stick, rather than always stopping and starting to move to another technique, we want to find a way to maintain flow and momentum from one to the next, if at all possible. I can certainly apply this to the fan. Another concept would be to figure out a particular weapons' special advantages and then find ways to apply those. Meaning, what makes it unique? So where speed and reach might apply to the stick, sleight of hand and distraction might apply to the fan.

So even though there doesn't seem to be much for specific techniques that I can transfer directly to the fan, I can still transfer the concepts.

I'm actually a teesny bit excited at how difficult I am finding this. I feel like the harder something is, the better the result once you finally figure it out.

IHC Dragon Numbers To Date
Pushups= 2120
Sit-ups= 2175
Fan Form= 25
Long= 26
Sparring= 13
Kim’s= 30
AOKs= 55

Final Rabbit Numbers

Not my best year for numbers.  I fell behind with my surgery and then never did manage to find my way back.

But I’ve started strong so far for the year of the dragon.

I also did well tracking all of my other forms.. I try to ensure that I am at least touching on every one at minimum) once a week.  I’m proud to say that I achieved numbers beyond that. 

Final Rabbit Numbers

AOKs = 1012

Kms = 1548

Kwan Dao = 775

Tai Chi Short = 808

Pushups = 34160

Sit-ups = 34160

Sparring = 775

25 Things

This was a challenge put forth by Sihing Burke as her birthday challenge. But I thought this was a fun way to hi-light events from the year and wanted to have it saved as a blog. I’ve included yesterday as well because I feel that banquet day is the culmination of the year. 

1. Sifu Brinker breaking my drumstick hours before game time. 
2. Being asked to drum my first banquet...and doing it. 
3. Taking part in my first live Tiger Challenge. 
4. Being Sihing M Wards applications partner. 
5. Undergoing major surgery and overcoming the challenges that came with it. 
6. Realizing the power of visualization. 
7. Being asked by a black belt to teach them my Kwan Dao form. 
8. All of my 1-on-1s.
9. All lion dance practices and watching that unfold and come together. 
10. Digging the peace pole area with Todai Vogt. 
11. Fight choreography with Sihing M Ward and Todai A Csillag. 
12. Teaching the Young Dragons. 
13. Watching Emma grade for orange. 
14. Watching Nathan grade for yellow. 
15. Watching every belt promotion, both adults and kids. 
16. Helping plan the Young Dragons banquet demo and being really proud of all of them.
17. Learning the Tai Chi short form. 
18. Breaking my first wooden boards. 
19. Holding the boards for the young dragons and realizing that my daughter can now look me right in the eye. (Height) 
20. Doing Kung Fu with my scooter at the Kwoon. 
21. Developing my Kwan Dao form. 
22. Breaking my ceiling light in my house while practicing my Kwan Dao. 
23. Napkin folding. 
24. Working with brand new students.
25. Earning my blue belt. 

IHC Dragon Numbers To Date
Pushups= 600
Sit-ups= 600
Fan Form= 0
Long= 0
Sparring= 0
Kim’s= 3
AOKs= 21

One At A Time

There is just so much happening right now.

Having said that, everything I have on my plate is positive. No negative stressors at present...and that is definitely something I'm grateful for.

I am also noticing that before I can get overly worked up about any one of them, I need to direct my energy to another.  So rather than being over-stressed about one single thing...I have several that I'm only able to get a little bit stressed about.  Lol.

Either I literally don't have time to get too worked up about any of them individually....

OR...maybe.....just maybe...I'm learning to focus and be in the moment with one at a time.

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 34080
Situps = 33920
Kwan Dao = 767
Tai Chi Short = 798
Sparring = 760
Km's = 1538
AOKs = 1002

My Internal Monologue

I drummed my very first public lion dance today at the Stony Plain Library.  It went well I think.  But I give credit to the incredible team of lions and Buddha I had with me. 

It’s proving hard to describe the experience in a formal fashion and keep it true to how it felt, so instead I think I will share the inner monologue that occurred.  I want to remember all these things that went through my mind and what better way than in a blog.

To give some context,  the lions were led into the library by the Buddha while I drummed. Once they got in, Sifu Brinker was to give a bit of an intro before we did the actual dance.

There’s the signal.  Let’s go.

[7 star drumming commences]

Hm.   Why doesn’t it sound as loud as normal?  Am I hitting the right spot?...yup....is it because the floor is different?....I don’t know.  Just nevermind!  You’re gonna get distracted. 

They’re looking really good!  Audience is loving them so far.

Hmmm...they’re dancing for quite a while here.  Is this right?  Did I miss something?

Uh oh.  Did Sifu just give me a look from around the bookcase?  Was that a nod?  Was that “good job” or does he want me to close?  I thought they were supposed to actually lay down and then I’d close?? Oh man.  Now I’m not sure.  I’m gonna keep going for a bit.  I’m sure he’ll look at me again more aggressively if he wants me to close.

Yup.  There’s the look!  No mistaking that one.  😬 Ok. Let’s close.

[insert Sifu’s presentation here]

Okay.  They’re ready.  Starting the wake-up.  Don’t forget the pauses!

Going good so far.  Why are my legs shaking?  We’ve barely started.  Nerves?  I wanna stretch out more but my foot is caught in the corner of this bookcase. Damnit I should have moved the drum more.  Pay attention!  Forget your legs!  They’ll be fine!

Oh shit.  Was that the salute??  Damn it.  I’m not sure!!  I’ll keep going.  Noa’s still dancing so I’ll assume it’s not for now.

SHIT! Was that it again!  Omg pay attention Malinda!  Hmm.  I think they’re kinda stalling out in the middle here.  Seems like they’re waiting.  Oh man I don’t wanna do the waves if they’re not.....

[DO THE WAVE!...whispered from behind me]

Oh shit.  That’s Sifu  Brinker.  Okay those were for sure salutes then.  Let’s do this!  Into the wave we go!

Boom, click, boom-boom, click....hey my 5 star ain’t sounding too bad today...boom, click. boom-boom....

Okay.  Lettuce is down.  Let’s close.

Ready for the stalking.  Don’t forget the pauses.

This is going ok I think.  

Ahahaha...I love how Shira is pushing Noa away.  Too funny.

I need to work on my softer 8 counts.  They sound terrible.  Hopefully nobody else notices.

These kids are starting to crowd me.  Did someone just step on my heel?

Okay...1 more toss.....damnit...those kids ran in.  I can’t start the last toss with them all there.  Can Shira and Noa see them?  No idea.  I’m holding.   I don’t want anyone getting run over.

 Okay, most of them are out.  I see a couple more starting to come in so I better get going before they do!!

Boom! Final toss is done.  Final stretch!

[free-style 7 star]

This is going well!  Crowd is loving all of them. 

Okay.  Maintain the trill.  Volley.  Good.  Stack.  Darn!  Ok stack again.  I can’t see now!  Do they have the banner??  Uh oh.  Oh wait.  Aviva is moving away.  They must have it.  Ok.  Close quick.  Shit I was too late!  I gotta do another round.  Rrrrrrr. Ok close.  Sorry Sihing 😬 (for context...there may or may not have been a small threat regarding this part and me taking too long.

Okay.  Back to freestyling.

Oh wait.  Here comes Noa.  Squish over!  The kids wanna come in closer.  Ugh, who put this bookcase here??

Yup!  There’s the head toss!  Oh shit. I don’t think I drummed properly.  Oh well.  We’re closing.

Bow 1...good.

Bow 2...good.

Bow 3....done!  Wooo!

Ow.  My ankles are sore.  And my legs hurt.  And I’m hungry.

I shouldn’t have worn a sweater.

I feel great.

Whoopsies

IT happened. I dropped my drum stick.

Yesterday at practice, as we were doing the first run-through of the section with the lion and dragon, it just slipped out of my hand.

In that moment, it felt like everything slowed and full minutes passed as I stared at it, watching it sort of bounce and dance along the top of the drum. I recall my other hand still banging away, but I was no longer consciously thinking about the beat.

When I finally managed to grab it, time corrected and carried on at it's regular pace. The world didn't explode...the dance carried on...there weren't people pointing and laughing (except a few snickers from Sifu Brinker from across the room who, of course, of anyone, witnessed the whole thing).

But this has become a clear example of something I already know.

Mistakes are going to happen. We are going to fail. Things are not going to go as planned. We are going to drop our sticks. Just grab it and keep going.




Having said that, it's not a bad idea to have a contingency plan. I just might keep a spare in my belt going forward. 😉

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 33445
Situps = 33470
Kwan Dao = 752
Tai Chi Short = 778
Sparring = 735
Km's = 1480
AOKs = 976

Both Sides

I’ve been feeling somewhat confused lately.

On one hand I feel like I'm not really covering a variety of content in my training. But on the other, I feel like I've been working really, really hard!

So am I doing well? Or am I struggling but don't really know it?

I find it funny that I can't definitively differentiate between the two. I think this goes to show how closely mastery and mediocrity actually live and how easy it can be to slip out of one and into the other without even realizing.

As I write, I'm starting to wonder if where I'm currently residing actually might be the safest place to be. Fully residing in Mastery is a delusion...because I don't think that's actually possible. Fully in Mediocrity is obviously not where I want to be either.

So maybe walking that line, always conscious of both is the best place to be?

One foot in the Mastery realm, working really hard at some things and recognizing the effort I'm putting forth...and one foot in Mediocrity, aware of the things that aren't quite getting the attention they should but keeping close tabs so that they aren't forgotten altogether.

One doesn't really exist without the other.




IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 33385

Situps = 33470

Kwan Dao = 742

Tai Chi Short = 777

Sparring = 725

Km's = 1470

AOKs = 959

Day One

Since making the conscious decision to end my daily blogging requirement, I have found myself without ambition to blog much at all.  I've still been making notes and jotting down ideas, but I'm lacking the interest to put it together in a formal way.  And maybe that's okay for now.

In an effort to still progress with this requirement, I began to transfer my written journals for my Chi work to an electronic platform and have started using an app called Day One.  It's essentially a journaling app.  But what I really like are the simple features that also offer fantastic organization and referencing capabilities.  I can easily enter text, voice, pictures, video or even a sketch.  It also offers a "scan text" function.  Which means I'll be transferring all of my written content over to the app (not just my Chi journals anymore).  I can then tag the entry with things like "chi", "chi healing", "kids class idea", "blog idea", "Kwan Dao thoughts", "published blog", "motivation", "one-on-one", etc, etc.  And with a click of a button, I can sort and filter as needed, seeing every entry pertaining to any given topic.

On top of all that, I can also set the app to remind me to blog (whether that be daily, weekly or just on certain days), have the app suggest a topic if needed and even talk to text using my smart watch!!  I've used this several times now to get something down even before I hit the changeroom.

Just because it never made it to a written, published blog, doesn't mean it's not important to my journey.  But if I can't reference it easily in the future, what's the point of even writing it down in the first place?

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 32632
Situps = 32720
Kwan Dao = 720
Tai Chi Short = 758
Sparring = 672
Km's = 1408
AOKs = 929