One At A Time

There is just so much happening right now.

Having said that, everything I have on my plate is positive. No negative stressors at present...and that is definitely something I'm grateful for.

I am also noticing that before I can get overly worked up about any one of them, I need to direct my energy to another.  So rather than being over-stressed about one single thing...I have several that I'm only able to get a little bit stressed about.  Lol.

Either I literally don't have time to get too worked up about any of them individually....

OR...maybe.....just maybe...I'm learning to focus and be in the moment with one at a time.

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 34080
Situps = 33920
Kwan Dao = 767
Tai Chi Short = 798
Sparring = 760
Km's = 1538
AOKs = 1002

My Internal Monologue

I drummed my very first public lion dance today at the Stony Plain Library.  It went well I think.  But I give credit to the incredible team of lions and Buddha I had with me. 

It’s proving hard to describe the experience in a formal fashion and keep it true to how it felt, so instead I think I will share the inner monologue that occurred.  I want to remember all these things that went through my mind and what better way than in a blog.

To give some context,  the lions were led into the library by the Buddha while I drummed. Once they got in, Sifu Brinker was to give a bit of an intro before we did the actual dance.

There’s the signal.  Let’s go.

[7 star drumming commences]

Hm.   Why doesn’t it sound as loud as normal?  Am I hitting the right spot?...yup....is it because the floor is different?....I don’t know.  Just nevermind!  You’re gonna get distracted. 

They’re looking really good!  Audience is loving them so far.

Hmmm...they’re dancing for quite a while here.  Is this right?  Did I miss something?

Uh oh.  Did Sifu just give me a look from around the bookcase?  Was that a nod?  Was that “good job” or does he want me to close?  I thought they were supposed to actually lay down and then I’d close?? Oh man.  Now I’m not sure.  I’m gonna keep going for a bit.  I’m sure he’ll look at me again more aggressively if he wants me to close.

Yup.  There’s the look!  No mistaking that one.  😬 Ok. Let’s close.

[insert Sifu’s presentation here]

Okay.  They’re ready.  Starting the wake-up.  Don’t forget the pauses!

Going good so far.  Why are my legs shaking?  We’ve barely started.  Nerves?  I wanna stretch out more but my foot is caught in the corner of this bookcase. Damnit I should have moved the drum more.  Pay attention!  Forget your legs!  They’ll be fine!

Oh shit.  Was that the salute??  Damn it.  I’m not sure!!  I’ll keep going.  Noa’s still dancing so I’ll assume it’s not for now.

SHIT! Was that it again!  Omg pay attention Malinda!  Hmm.  I think they’re kinda stalling out in the middle here.  Seems like they’re waiting.  Oh man I don’t wanna do the waves if they’re not.....

[DO THE WAVE!...whispered from behind me]

Oh shit.  That’s Sifu  Brinker.  Okay those were for sure salutes then.  Let’s do this!  Into the wave we go!

Boom, click, boom-boom, click....hey my 5 star ain’t sounding too bad today...boom, click. boom-boom....

Okay.  Lettuce is down.  Let’s close.

Ready for the stalking.  Don’t forget the pauses.

This is going ok I think.  

Ahahaha...I love how Shira is pushing Noa away.  Too funny.

I need to work on my softer 8 counts.  They sound terrible.  Hopefully nobody else notices.

These kids are starting to crowd me.  Did someone just step on my heel?

Okay...1 more toss.....damnit...those kids ran in.  I can’t start the last toss with them all there.  Can Shira and Noa see them?  No idea.  I’m holding.   I don’t want anyone getting run over.

 Okay, most of them are out.  I see a couple more starting to come in so I better get going before they do!!

Boom! Final toss is done.  Final stretch!

[free-style 7 star]

This is going well!  Crowd is loving all of them. 

Okay.  Maintain the trill.  Volley.  Good.  Stack.  Darn!  Ok stack again.  I can’t see now!  Do they have the banner??  Uh oh.  Oh wait.  Aviva is moving away.  They must have it.  Ok.  Close quick.  Shit I was too late!  I gotta do another round.  Rrrrrrr. Ok close.  Sorry Sihing 😬 (for context...there may or may not have been a small threat regarding this part and me taking too long.

Okay.  Back to freestyling.

Oh wait.  Here comes Noa.  Squish over!  The kids wanna come in closer.  Ugh, who put this bookcase here??

Yup!  There’s the head toss!  Oh shit. I don’t think I drummed properly.  Oh well.  We’re closing.

Bow 1...good.

Bow 2...good.

Bow 3....done!  Wooo!

Ow.  My ankles are sore.  And my legs hurt.  And I’m hungry.

I shouldn’t have worn a sweater.

I feel great.

Whoopsies

IT happened. I dropped my drum stick.

Yesterday at practice, as we were doing the first run-through of the section with the lion and dragon, it just slipped out of my hand.

In that moment, it felt like everything slowed and full minutes passed as I stared at it, watching it sort of bounce and dance along the top of the drum. I recall my other hand still banging away, but I was no longer consciously thinking about the beat.

When I finally managed to grab it, time corrected and carried on at it's regular pace. The world didn't explode...the dance carried on...there weren't people pointing and laughing (except a few snickers from Sifu Brinker from across the room who, of course, of anyone, witnessed the whole thing).

But this has become a clear example of something I already know.

Mistakes are going to happen. We are going to fail. Things are not going to go as planned. We are going to drop our sticks. Just grab it and keep going.




Having said that, it's not a bad idea to have a contingency plan. I just might keep a spare in my belt going forward. 😉

IHC Numbers To Date
Pushups = 33445
Situps = 33470
Kwan Dao = 752
Tai Chi Short = 778
Sparring = 735
Km's = 1480
AOKs = 976

Both Sides

I’ve been feeling somewhat confused lately.

On one hand I feel like I'm not really covering a variety of content in my training. But on the other, I feel like I've been working really, really hard!

So am I doing well? Or am I struggling but don't really know it?

I find it funny that I can't definitively differentiate between the two. I think this goes to show how closely mastery and mediocrity actually live and how easy it can be to slip out of one and into the other without even realizing.

As I write, I'm starting to wonder if where I'm currently residing actually might be the safest place to be. Fully residing in Mastery is a delusion...because I don't think that's actually possible. Fully in Mediocrity is obviously not where I want to be either.

So maybe walking that line, always conscious of both is the best place to be?

One foot in the Mastery realm, working really hard at some things and recognizing the effort I'm putting forth...and one foot in Mediocrity, aware of the things that aren't quite getting the attention they should but keeping close tabs so that they aren't forgotten altogether.

One doesn't really exist without the other.




IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 33385

Situps = 33470

Kwan Dao = 742

Tai Chi Short = 777

Sparring = 725

Km's = 1470

AOKs = 959

Day One

Since making the conscious decision to end my daily blogging requirement, I have found myself without ambition to blog much at all.  I've still been making notes and jotting down ideas, but I'm lacking the interest to put it together in a formal way.  And maybe that's okay for now.

In an effort to still progress with this requirement, I began to transfer my written journals for my Chi work to an electronic platform and have started using an app called Day One.  It's essentially a journaling app.  But what I really like are the simple features that also offer fantastic organization and referencing capabilities.  I can easily enter text, voice, pictures, video or even a sketch.  It also offers a "scan text" function.  Which means I'll be transferring all of my written content over to the app (not just my Chi journals anymore).  I can then tag the entry with things like "chi", "chi healing", "kids class idea", "blog idea", "Kwan Dao thoughts", "published blog", "motivation", "one-on-one", etc, etc.  And with a click of a button, I can sort and filter as needed, seeing every entry pertaining to any given topic.

On top of all that, I can also set the app to remind me to blog (whether that be daily, weekly or just on certain days), have the app suggest a topic if needed and even talk to text using my smart watch!!  I've used this several times now to get something down even before I hit the changeroom.

Just because it never made it to a written, published blog, doesn't mean it's not important to my journey.  But if I can't reference it easily in the future, what's the point of even writing it down in the first place?

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 32632
Situps = 32720
Kwan Dao = 720
Tai Chi Short = 758
Sparring = 672
Km's = 1408
AOKs = 929

Becoming Better

I really want to be a better teacher.

One of the hardest parts about teaching, for me, is understanding the questions posed, and being able to formulate an accurate and helpful answer right in that moment.

Oftentimes I will come home wishing I had done better in various teaching moments.  Questioning myself and analyzing the interaction to see where I failed and how I could have done better.

I wish I had answered that better.  I should have said [this], not [that].

Did I even understand the question?

Am I confident my answer made sense to the student?

Was my answer even correct?  Thinking about it now, I don't even think I know the right answer.

And these are usually followed by,

I feel like a fraud.

I don't think I'm qualified to be teaching these kids.

And then the anxiety comes and I really start to question my own understanding of everything.

But the way I see it, there are two options.

1. Let myself me pulled into the abyss of "I suck".

Or,

2. Use these opportunities to actually become a better teacher.

If I feel I should have answered something differently, I need to figure out how I could have been more clear and be ready for it the next time.  If I don't feel like I understood the question, perhaps I need to work on my listening.  Or maybe a good strategy would be to invite other instructors present to offer their interpretations as well.  There's a good chance we are all hearing the same question a little differently.  And if I think I might not have answered it correctly, and am questioning my own understanding of the subject, this is probably an excellent opportunity to reach out to my own instructors and work on my own training.  Solidify my own understanding so that I'm more confident.

Every time a student asks a question, I have an opportunity to learn.  And ultimately that will make me a better teacher.

Nailed It

I attempted to make some SRKF ornaments.  I was going for a "snowy" kind of finish.

I think I nailed it....not 🤦‍♀️😭

This reminds me of those cakes people try to make.

HOWEVER, I definitely learned some things with this and have some ideas on what to try next.  My result was not what I wanted, but the effort was not wasted.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 32492
Situps = 32467
Kwan Dao = 700
Tai Chi Short = 732
Sparring = 657
Km's = 1353
AOKs = 913

Can But Shouldn't

I wasn't really supposed to be lion dancing the other day.  😬

It was recommended that I take a bit of a step back from the things that seem to continue to aggravate my foot.  Yes I want to push on and push through, but I also don't want to impede the healing so much that I actually end up causing long term damage that prevents me from recovering to the fullest degree possible.

Exercises, drills or techniques involving the ball of my foot, or that are full weight bearing on the one foot, or jumping or pivoting, all seem to be the ones that aggravate it in an extreme way.  So even things like cat stance with all the weight on that one side, or open X with the twist and pressure on the ball, impact from kicking, unicorn stepping, etc.  It's okay here and there, I think, to do these things, but when it's rep after rep, I can start to see and feel the swelling.  To the point that it's taking quite a long time to settle down.  The norm has been to aggravate it starting Monday, and not stop until the weekend.  Then, when it starts to feel a little better by Sunday, I start all over.  It was also pointed out that I still seem to be compensating on the outside of my foot (Thank-you Todai Bauer!).  Which would make sense at the initial stages.  Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to put alot of weight on the surgery side when I started walking again.  But over time, this might have become a bit of a habit.  This uneven distribution could also be a contributing factor in not getting that toe to the ground yet and still having balance issues...and maybe even to the continued aggravation.  Who knows.  But having said that, when I try to correct this, I can see that I need to consciously and actively think about distributing that weight properly.  It's going to take thought and practice to correct that to the point it becomes the norm again.  And if I'm "trying to keep up with the Jones'" in class, I immediately fall back to the habit I seem to have formed, because that's how I've become accustomed to doing it. And I don't think that will do me any favours in the long run.

I know that in recovery we want to push ourselves.  If we don't, we will never get to that next level.  But there is something to be said for finding a balance.  Push until you see signs of "distress" so to speak.  So maybe minor swelling, discomfort, soreness.  These are all things to be expected.  But when you hit that, pull back just a bit and see what happens there. Once you can maintain that level without the "distress", or if you see some progress, then start pushing further again.  And so on.

But to be honest, my recovery strategy has been "if I can physically do it, then just do it".  Regardless of whether it causes excessive swelling and discomfort.  Regardless of whether I stop seeing improvement.  Regardless if I feel like I've actually regressed back to the early stages of recovery.  And I do also understand that there will be ups and downs with progress.  But when regression lasts for an extended period of time, I don't think that's a good sign.  I think rather, it's a sign that I'm maybe doing too much too fast.

And so I had decided I was going to minimize impact to my foot for a while and see if I might see that initial progress return.  But then we started unicorn stepping, and to be frank, I feel like an idiot removing myself from the group.  I have a fear that my recovery will end up an excuse to not do certain things.  Or even worse (in my head) that those around me will think it's an excuse.

There will be things I can do, but probably shouldn't.  And I know I need to check my ego at the door and make some smarter choices.  But I am finding this really, really difficult.

Connecting With My Past

I took the kids to see Grandma for Fall Break.

Whenever I make this trip back to my hometown, I'm always hesitant to venture out.  I always fear I will run into someone from high school.  My high school years are not ones I look back on fondly.  I wish I had been better as a young person.  To clarify, I wasn't a terrible person.  I wasn't mean or a bully or anything.  In fact, I can recall one incident where I went face to face with the the "bully" of my time after he sent a girl crying to the bathroom.  Well, not really "face to face"....more like "my face to his chest".  I remember him knocking my books to the ground when I called him out, but I stood my ground.  First and only time I ever made a visit to the principal's office.  So no, I was a "good" kid.  But I certainly lived a life of mediocrity, wasting so much time...and worse yet, wasting so much potential.  Perhaps that's a common thing with most teens.  But today, I can't help but feel somewhat embarrassed by who I was.  And so I always find it awkward to see people from that time.

This trip was different.  This was the first time I've run into some old acquaintances, and not only did I not feel awkward and uncomfortable...but I actually found the interactions pleasant and nostalgic.  

So why is this?  Why the difference?

The only thing I can think of is that I've changed over the last few years.  I'm in a place where I'm confident of not only who I am, but how I got here. I feel good about the life I’m living and, regardless of what choices I made "yesterday", I am trying to make better ones "today". I think I can look at my past now, own the things I did (or didn't do) and not be so hard on myself.  Realistically, it all led me here.  So perhaps that means I did exactly what I was supposed to.  And without that nagging feeling of regret, I also no longer feel the embarrassment.  And I'm pretty certain this growth has happened because of my Kung fu and the I Ho Chuan.

On top of this, this trip would also see me doing a "meet and greet" at my hometown library to showcase my pottery and my book.  I did this for my mom.  And just like running into old acquaintances from high school, I feared who would end up coming.  Or worse, maybe nobody would.  I always felt like an outcast growing up.  My brothers and sisters were in the hockey community.  Which at that time felt like the only community there was.  And I was not a part of that.  And so I always felt like the black sheep.  Like nobody even knew who I was or that I even existed.

Twenty seven people ended up coming.  This might not sound like a lot, but this is a very small town.  Downtown was basically hoppin'.  lol.  Two of the attendees were some very close old friends that I hadn't seen in a a very long time.  I hadn't told anyone about it.  So everyone that came was there by choice.  And every single one was interested in where I was and what I was doing.  During my talk, many people brought up how they remembered me doing this, or that and how my interest in art and creating was evident even then.  Things that I hadn't thought about or remembered for a very long time.  But things that they saw and remembered.  And I felt very connected, both with this group and with my past.  And I found myself repeating words we've heard before.  The fact that I was there, with all of those people in that given moment was a miracle.

This particular trip home was really valuable and I feel changed because of it.

So Many Front Thrust Kicks

This week really pushed me.

My foot recovery has felt like it's regressed a bit over the last few weeks.  More swelling again.  Some soreness.  Toe lifting more than it had been.  In fact, there were a couple moments a while ago that I had felt it touch the ground while walking!...but that feeling was fleeting.

As I watched the Level 1 class do the circuit on Wednesday, knowing that Level 2 would be doing the same, I wondered how I was going to participate.  There was ALOT of front thrust kicks on bags, which I haven't been doing.  There was also lateral jumps over the pads, which made me anxious....and not just because they're exhausting.

I'm not scared to break my foot.  According to the surgeon at 3 months post-op, my bones and the screws in there are sound.  The challenges I continue to face is the flexibility in my toes (ie, my ability to pull my toes back), the floating toe (you don't know how much you need that single toe for balance/pivoting/jumping/landing until it's not working properly) and my lack of trust in my ankle (after such a long period of misuse I'm hesitant to do anything risky).

When the time came, I just decided to go for it.  I know I need to be aware, but I also feel like alot of the limitations I am still dealing with are more mental than not.  And even if they aren't, I need to start finding ways to just work through them.  What if my foot just never does reach a stage that I would consider "healed and back to normal"?  What if I never regain the mobility with that toe?  Let's face it...these are real possibilities.

And overall it went okay.

I kicked both the heavy bag and mitts with a front thrust for the first time in 6 months.  I was careful and mindful of what I was doing.  And I didn't cause any damage...although the extra bend the resistance forced my toes to do wasn't overly pleasant at times.  But I tend to wonder if the push will end up being a good thing.  Maybe even assisting in regaining the flexibility.

When it came to the lateral jumps, any jumping still gives me the heeby-jeebies.  Granted I've done some little hippity-hops in a few instances (my Kwan Dao form, for example).  But the impact of the 2 footed jump over 2 shields was more than my mentality could handle.  I didn't trust myself to maintain strong and precise.  I ended up doing them over just 1 shield.  And it went fine, even though I really had to pause and ensure that I was stable with each and every jump/landing.  And so again, I wasn't fast. but I did do it. 

My partner offered some really good feedback during the class.  She noticed that my kicks with my left leg felt stronger as she held the mitts.  Which shouldn't be the case.  I have always been right leg dominant.  I also find it more difficult to kick with my left right now, because that means my right (my bad foot) is what's on the ground supporting me. So her comment, to me, means that either a) my right leg still hasn't regained all the muscle that it had lost or b) I am subconsciously holding back with my right leg to avoid hurting my toes, or c) my left leg has truly become stronger since it was forced to do all the "heavy lifting" for a time.

So although I've been feeling like my foot recovery has regressed a bit, after this week I still feel like I've taken some good steps forward.

ps.  Check out the picture!!  Our front thrust kick toe position is a "floint".  Hahahahaha

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 31512
Situps = 31582
Kwan Dao = 641
Tai Chi Short = 709
Sparring = 619
Km's = 1255
AOKs = 842

Saskatchewan

This will be one of the blogs where I’m thankful for the mandatory numbers requirement. Don’t get me wrong! I’m training and working on my kung fu. But I’ve been visiting my mom for the week and have been trying to stay away from screens.  

So today is a simple checkin.  

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 31044
Situps = 31124
Kwan Dao = 632
Tai Chi Short = 703
Sparring = 606
Km's = 1233
AOKs = 813

Form and Stances

I've been feeling really excited about my Kwan Dao.

Although it was hard having to stay away from it (physically) for so long...and it's been challenging to have to ease back into it slowly...this time has also fostered new insights and I believe it has furthered my progress in ways that may have not happened otherwise.

There are a few things that I'm zero-ing in on like hand transitions to increase both speed and extension.  I've also (with help) happened upon a few spots where the concept of expansion and contraction has become really pertinent.  And not only expansion then contraction...but expansion with contraction.

But by far, the most significant is that I've been forced to really nail down my stances and fine tune my form.  Prior to surgery I recognized the importance of this with a heavy weapon.  But truth be told, I took for granted that I still had that physical power to reign things in if needed.  And if I was pulled out of my center now and again, no big deal...I could adjust.  In fact, I'm recognizing how I would always just slightly restrain my weapon, anticipating the need to pull back, knowing how easily I could be thrown off. Instead of questioning this and trying to fix the problem at the source, I lived with it because I could.  Post-op, this wasn't really an option.  I had to be more careful and methodical.  I had to truly rely on pure technique and proper stances to maintain control.  And comparing then to now, I can feel the difference.  Because of the physical need to stay safe during my recovery, I now feel like I'm more in control of my weapon, but due to form and technique rather than brute strength.  

In writing this I realize that "control" isn't quite the right word to reflect what I mean.  Control still implies restraint...that there are still opposing forces...control by me and submission from my Kwan Dao.  Which I think is still a valid and important phase in mastering a weapon.  But it's not quite how I'm feeling.  I think what I'm getting closer to with my weapon is harmony.  Closer to...but still very far away.

Kung Fu'ing My Kids Part 10 Of....

It dawned on me this past week how far my kids have come.  

As I held the boards in Emma's group for board breaking, I was taken by surprise at how strong she has gotten, both physically and because of her technique.  Last year she struggled with the starter orange board.  This year she was breaking the higher level orange and even the green.

As we were getting ready for our day the other morning, I noticed uniforms were already laid out, ready to go for after school.

As we were leaving the house for classes, I realized I can't even remember the last time it was an argument to go.

As I watched them do their 1-on-1s recently, I've noticed the way they interact with their instructors and how much that has changed and evolved.

As we plan our weekends, I'm amused at their disappointment when there is no open training.

As a parent I have to be the one that motivates, reminds, pushes and stands firm...trying to encourage the development of important skills, habits and character....but eventually, over time, these things suddenly become their own.  And they just are.

It's not an easy road...but it's definitely worth it.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 29594
Situps = 29594
Kwan Dao = 594
Tai Chi Short = 701
Sparring = 584
Km's = 1174
AOKs = 751