I'm Here Now

I am getting very close to have been practicing Kung Fu for a full year.  I started November 4 of 2019.  Just after my 40th birthday.

It feels like I've been doing this much longer.  In a good way!  I feel like I was missing a really important part of myself....and I've finally found it.

But I also often feel this immense pressure to make up for lost time.  I sometimes feel regret that I've only just begun this journey and am sad that I didn't start long ago.  I don't like regret.  It's a pointless feeling to have and serves no purpose but to distract and make you question yourself....at least in this particular case.  I need to remind myself that I can't change the past.  In fact...if I dig deeply enough.....I might see that if I hadn't made the choices and taken the path that I did...I may not have found Kung Fu until even later.....or perhaps not at all.  

So I suppose I should just let go of any regret and be thankful I'm here now.

Hugging Meditation

I have started reading and listening to the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh.  I feel like this is going to be a very integral part of my Kung Fu journey.  So many things have resonated with me already.  One thing he talks about is “hugging meditation” and this particular topic brought me to tears.

I don’t see my mom often. She is very important to me, but we live far apart.  I miss her presence very much.  Twice, maybe 3 times a year we see her.   She is the one that taught me to “talk to the universe”.  She has always been so gentle and patient, kind and accepting. When we visit, she insists on a hug upon arrival. Then before bed. Then in the morning. Then before bed. And so on.  I will tease her about it.  Pretend to pull away. Joke.....When what she needs is for me to just hug her.  To feel that connection with her daughter.  And really, I need that too.  There is nothing like the bond between parent and child.  As I face new challenges with my own kids, I realize how hard it must have been for her and the suffering she must have experienced.  I never appreciated my mom as much as when I became one myself.  I couldn’t imagine being so far away and feeling like I wasn't a real part of their lives.  If it were me, the only thing I would want to do when with them would be to hold them...to connect...every chance I got.  Nobody knows how many chances we will each have in a lifetime.  Practicing hugging meditation is a means to connect with someone in a very real way.  Or perhaps it's more accurate to say it's a means to acknowledge and feel the connection that is always there...but it gets pushed aside during life's many distractions.  We are always connected...we just rarely take the time to enjoy it.

The next time I hug my mom, I will be present for it.

That Doesn't Sound Like You

My family and I were driving home from camping a few weekends ago.  It was a Monday.  I had planned it so I would be home with plenty of time to get to Tai Chi and then class after that.  But I was tired...and feeling lazy after a few days without training.  And I said "I think I'll just join my classes online tonight."  Dan turned to me and said "That doesn't sound like you."  And that was it.  Just those few words.  But I replied instantly with "You're right.  It doesn't.  Nevermind."  And I went to both classes as planned.

This wasn't the first time, and likely won't be the last, that he's said those same words....

"That doesn't sound like you."  

So simple, yet they always have a huge effect every time I hear them.  I will even say them to myself, which sounds silly....but it works whenever I find myself looking for an excuse to not do something.  Just a few words that keep me from falling off track and losing myself.  My own little mantra.  Lol.

My Own Way

At my last one-on-one I asked for some feedback on my Lao Gar form.  One of the areas we discussed was the Tiger Claw sequence in part 3. 

Over the past couple of days I've practiced this sequence, trying to "figure it out".  Eventually I noticed a difference from one attempt to the next.  Every once in a while, it would just feel more powerful.  Once this happened a few times (by chance) I was able to re-create it more and more at will and I could really feel the difference in energy and power.  I would almost describe it as having a vibrating sensation.  It was as if this energy was ramping up, getting ready to be used.  In these moments I became very aware of my own body and self.  I also recognized that my movements weren't 100% exactly how they had been demo'd for me....but it felt "right" for me.  The energy and power that came with it was proof enough of that.  I think I understand, somewhat better at least, why we often get the answer "it depends on the person" when we ask questions.  I always assumed this answer was just about our external physical capabilities (ie. current injuries, flexibility, muscle power, etc).  But now I realize there's an internal component here as well.  We are shown examples or versions of the basic mechanics to get us going....to get us started.  But you can't really be shown how to use and tap into your internal abilities.

It's up to us to listen more closely and carefully to our own bodies and energy...to pay better attention.  By doing so, we will eventually make that perfect connection between external and internal and, ultimately, discover our own way.

**EDITED

I had included a quote at the end of this blog entry.

"Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own." - Bruce Lee

After some discussion with Sifu Brinker, I have learned that this quote is often taken out of context.  Although I'm sure it wasn't Bruce Lee's intent, it has become somewhat of a "guideline" for martial artists to disregard and ignore teachings simply because they do not like them, understand them or find them too hard to implement.  This was not my purpose when using this quote, but I can understand it's negative connotation.  Words are powerful.  And they can be interpreted in different ways.

*Side note...I have also discovered there are a couple different versions of this quote.  I'm not sure which would be the original.

My Initial Discoveries With Breathing - From July 21, 2020

The following is some correspondence I had with Sifu Cosgrove regarding some of my initial discoveries with the breathing exercises I have been doing under her guidance. I wanted to both record this and share it with anyone interested, so decided to include it as a blog entry.

My Initial Discoveries:

"Hello Sifu! So this is what I have learned thus far with my breathing. And just so we're on the same page, this is when I'm doing the 3 minute (quiet and still) breathing exercise. So in the past I've focused on breathing through my nose. When doing that, you can literally feel the air going in and it tended to only fill my chest. If you recall I was initially struggling to breathe in for the 5 seconds!! I happened upon this "different" breath intake and it's been a game changer. And I can now reproduce it at will. Initially it was hit or miss. As I said, it doesn't truly feel as though I'm breathing in through my nose. I know I am because my mouth is closed, but I can't really feel the air in my nasal passage as when you typically breathe in through the nose. When I pay close attention, it actually feels as though I'm breathing in directly through my chest. Right in the middle. It feels as though the air fills my belly first and then continues to fill from the bottom up all the way to the top of my chest. I can also easily breathe in for about 7-8 seconds. When breathing out it seems as though its the opposite, where I release the air from my chest to my belly. Another thing I've noticed is that even once all the air has been released, I don't feel any sort of immediate pressure to inhale again. It almost feels as though I could stay in that state for a long time. I have not tested that and obviously I'd need to inhale eventually...lol. It's almost like the inhale and the exhale are flowing together so perfectly that it's all one and the same. Does that make any sense?"

Sifu Cosgrove's response:

"I believe you described through direct experience the anatomy of breathing. Look it up...you described how the muscles work in respiration! And...YOU experienced this. One cool thing about not feeling pressure to breathe in again, is that you are now breathing deeper, therefore using your respiratory system more fully...which will gift you the longevity in your martial arts practice.
And...
Feeling as if your chest is breathing rather than your nose could be an indication that there has been some stagnation or congestion release, creating a greater path for the respiration, and giving your lungs and heart optimal power. Now...this breath depth would be something to apply to Awakening the Dragon."

I didn't quite realize how important breathing was until I made these discoveries. Prior to that breathing was just breathing. My body knows how and just does it....right? Wrong. There are some really cool things about breathe and how it works and what it can really provide. I'm excited to keep learning about this.

Back To “Normal”

School starts next week.  The plan is that I will also return to work at the office at this same time.  I’m getting a bit panicked about how I am going to be able to keep doing the things I’ve been doing once this happens.

I’ve been lucky to have been able to work from home during the pandemic.  My days have started at 7:00 am with Kung Fu, then at my desk working by 8:30.  The kids don’t need to go anywhere so they’ve had many “PJ” days.  As have I!  I’ve also had the luxury of being able to book 1-on-1’s at my leisure since I can simply get up from my desk and walk downstairs to meet with one of the Sifus for 10 minutes.

Things will be much different moving forward. In order to get the kids fed, ready and on the bus, get myself ready and incorporate my typical Kung Fu training regime, I will have to be up by 4:30 am. This is being very conservative with the time I will need.  I don’t know how I’m going to do that.  And I know me.  I know what works and what doesn’t.  I need to do my training in the morning.  It’s just how I’m wired.  Whenever I tell myself I’ll do it later, it just doesn’t happen.  Can I maintain a 4:30 am wake up call??  I don't know.  And on top of that challenge, my options for 1-on-1's will be very limited moving forward.

At this point I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do and how this is all going to pan out.  I really don’t want things to fall off the rails but, so far, I can't seem to formulate a feasible plan.

2 Steps Back

Yes...I'm going to talk about my journey with the side heel kick again.  I apologize to anyone that's getting tired of hearing about it.  I am starting to realize this goal is going to be more long-term than not so I'm sure this won't be the last of it.  Lol.

I decided that I had taken my progress as far as I could on my own (for now) and it was time to re-evaluate and get some direct feedback from a Sifu.  (Side note to everyone......use your 1-on-1's!!!!  I will often get just as much from a 10 minute 1-on-1 as I do from a full class because it's specific just to me.)  My Sifu pointed out some specific things with my mechanics and gave me some great feedback so I can take this kick to the next level.  Turns out I've been "cheating" somewhat and haven't really been driving the kick from my hip like I should be.  So I need to take a few steps back again in order to make this correction. 

But I have to admit....I started to feel a bit frustrated this morning in my training.  I felt as though I was starting all over once again.   No balance....flailing...stumbling....*sigh*.  I touched on this issue in a previous blog where I talked about how hard it can be to see and acknowledge our own progress when we are constantly fixing things.  I felt myself feeling a bit discouraged once again.

HOWEVER....I quickly checked myself.  I know I've been working hard.  I know I've made progress.  So I told myself I needed to think about this in a more positive way.  

Firstly, I thought that perhaps I should be encouraged when a Sifu points out more things for me to work on.  If they didn't think I was ready to advance, they'd likely just let me continue on at my current level.

Secondly, how can I be "taking steps back" when I had reached out for feedback specifically to "move forward"? 

It then clicked that this is exactly what Sifu Brinker was getting at regarding the Black Belt Success Cycle. 

1. Set a goal
2. Have a plan (and a success coach)
3. Take consistent action
4. Review your progress
5. Review your goal

Having to take some steps back is just part of the process.  Meaning sometimes taking 2 steps back is actually moving forward.

Just Jump Already

There are big fears and little fears.  Big fears can be debilitating.  Little fears are mostly annoying, but can often pile up and really cause trouble.

I have had a plyometrics box for about 2 years now.  Actually, I'm lying....we're coming up on 3 this Christmas.  😬

The main reason I got it was because I wanted to start doing box jump exercises.  Don't ask me why I decided this was something I needed to do.  I wanted to jump high I guess.  But almost 3 years later, I have yet to even attempt ONE jump.  Every time I stand in front of that box, I just can't bring myself to jump.  The low side is only 16” yet seems like 4 feet.  I envision catching my toes and falling really hard......or having the box fly out from under me.  I have literally never attempted to do it.  Not once.  It now sits in the corner and acts as a table for my water bottle.  It's silly...I know.  Almost 3 years I've been trying to work up the courage....it's becoming somewhat comical.....and more than a little bit embarrassing.

I really need to do this.  I don't want little things like this holding me back.  If I can't even get over the little fears, how do I expect to ever conquer the big ones?

Energy

I've been making some discoveries about energy.  I'll call it energy, although it could be something completely different as it's somewhat new to me.  

Recent discussion regarding the explosive energy you leave behind after a strike (Fajin) was what actually inspired me to take notice and pay attention.  Specifically we talked about the energy left behind after a front thrust kick....as well as the example Sifu Brinker gave of Master McNeill forcing him back after pulling his fist away from his chest.  It was the energy left behind that actually caused the force rather than a physical blow.

I've really been trying to open my mind to the idea of energy being all around us.  Let me rephrase...there is obviously energy all around us....and within us.  What I'm opening my mind to is that this energy can actually be manipulated.  

I've never shared this story, but it has reminded me of something I used to do with my kids when they were little.  If they were sick, and couldn't be comforted, I would hold my hand hovering over where I believed the discomfort was located.  I would then envision that I was actually pulling the "bad energy" (aches, pains, sickness, etc) out of them and into my hand.  Call me crazy, but my hand would start to feel hot and tingly and I'd have to give it a good shake afterwards.  Even crazier, I honestly felt it worked because they typically calmed down and were able to rest.  I believe this might be similar to the concept of Reiki....although I did not know this at the time.  It always sort of reminded me of John Coffey from "The Green Mile" if anyone is familiar with that story.  

I've encountered this same type of thing in my training as well.  While working on my breathing exercises, when everything seems to be just right, I've felt as though I can actually breathe in good energy and breathe out the bad.  If I'm doing "Awakening the Dragon" it can even feel as though I'm moving this energy around with my hands as well.  Tai Chi has also been an instance where I've felt this, especially with the hand movements...most specifically with Grinding Corn.  It feels like I can actually move and shift the air around and that it's much thicker than just air.  This is probably why I tend to think it's something more.  Catching and throwing the "ball" in Lao Gar 3 is another instance where I've experienced this feeling.

Something else I've noticed is that this energy has different effects depending on the situation...or maybe it's more about how its being used.  With my kids it brought comfort.  With breathing it brings revitalization.  In Tai Chi it tends to be calming.  And in Lao Gar it feels powerful.

Perhaps it's not what I think it is...or perhaps its my imagination.  But maybe I've stumbled upon something more.  Either way, I will continue to keep my mind open to the possibility.

Fight or Flight...Is There Another Option?

I'm not sure how Kung Fu related this is.  But, in the moment, I did find myself thinking about how I should react in a way befitting a student of SRKF so I think it might be valid when dealing with de-escalating situations, reading people, egos, confidence, etc.

I had an argument with a friend recently.

The basis of the argument was that I advocated for my children over a safety concern regarding busing.  Me advocating for my children would possibly mean changes for hers.  I acknowledged that from the start and knew it would be a point of contention.  But I decided to reach out to her to let her know that I was looking into a change because of my concerns.  I didn't want her to be blindsided later and feel as if I tried to sneak behind her back.

Her reaction was extreme, to say the least.  She was not open to a discussion.

I recognized immediately that no good would come from arguing with her.  Long story short, I was able to dissolve the situation by letting her know that my intention was not to start a feud, and that my goal would be to sort this out without her being affected.

We chatted a bit more about "happier" topics....said our sorrys for the argument as a whole, and carried on.

The very next day I no longer felt good about how it ended.  I would describe the feeling as regret.  Although I did not concede my overall opinion on the matter....I felt regret about not defending my stance more.  She came at me with points which I could have disputed or proven false.  But as I said, at the time, I did not think arguing would help anything.  So instead of defending myself more, I found myself taking a very soft approach.  Listening more than talking.  I chose not to point my finger back in an attempt to "prove her wrong".  Initially I felt good about this approach.  But now I feel like I just rolled over and let her have her way...or at least I think that's how SHE saw the outcome.

I don't know why this bothers me so much.  Why do I care if she thinks she "won"?  Or is this more about me feeling like I "lost"?  Is this my ego needing checking?  Is this a confidence issue?  I haven't quite figured it out yet.  But I do know I'd like to know how to handle these types of interactions better so I don't come out the other end feeling beaten down.

Go For It

I typically need to break things down before I can really understand something.  It allows me to see, step by step, what is needed for the whole.  When I break something down into its components, I can also often pinpoint what areas need the most work.  Typically this works really well for me.

But on occasion, I find myself unable to put everything back together.  I'm so obsessed with doing each little step just right that I end up psyching myself out.  So much so that I'll "stall out" right in the middle...almost like I'm SO scared of doing it wrong I just stop.  That's when I know it's time to let go of the specifics and stop analyzing every move.

Don't be scared to fail...don't be scared to look stupid....don't be scared to fall on your butt...just go for it.  Worry about the fine-tuning later.

Can You Spot The Difference?

Progress can sometimes be difficult to see in ourselves.  

Because we are always striving for mastery as the ultimate end goal, we can often overlook the small achievements we are making along the way because they seem insignificant.

When I first started Kung Fu I was quickly introduced to the front thrust kick.  I was off balance, unstable, not very strong, etc, etc.  I wasn't bringing my knee very high, kicking up instead of out, my foot form wasn't correct, and so on.  Essentially, everything needed improvement.  At the beginning, I mostly focused on maintaining my stability.  I kept my knee and kick low enough so that they didn't impede this focus.  Once my balance improved, I naturally aimed at bringing my knee higher into the crane, which meant I became off balance again for a while until I adjusted to that new height.  Once I adjusted, I again made further improvements, throwing other things out of whack that I thought I had fixed....and it became a constant cycle.  Because I was constantly fixing, adjusting, re-adjusting....in my mind, it seemed that I wasn't improving.

In relation to all of this, I reached out to Sifu Cosgrove to help me with my flexibility.  Prior to developing a routine for me, she asked that I take a short video of several techniques so she could evaluate my current level.  These included crane stance, side heel, front thrust, some flexibility stretches, etc.  Four months later, she asked that I make a follow-up video to see my progress.  After watching this second video I found myself very disappointed.  It didn't seem as though I made any progress at all.  I didn't see any decent kicks, and so ultimately I was very disappointed, especially since I had been very diligent with my training.  After some thought (aka...a small pity party), I decided to look back at the original video, from 4 months previous, and compare it more closely to the second.  I was surprised to see there were actually many big differences.  When holding a crane stance, my knee was MUCH higher than the first time.  This improvement also transferred to my front thrust kick.  Overall I appeared much more stable and in control.  I was starting to come back into a proper bow stance more consistently.  My flexibility in the stretches had also improved.  I quickly realized that only looking at the current video served no purpose if not compared in context with the last.  Evaluating your ability today, isn't quite accurate without referencing where you were yesterday.

It has been another month since that last video.  And coincidentally, I have been working on my side heel during this time.  Due to Sifu Cosgrove's video, I have an excellent point of reference.  So I decided to take yet another video to see if I've made any progress specifically with this kick.  I've included two "still" frames below.  These are both at the peak of my kick.  When I was throwing these kicks today, I still recognized many things that need plenty of work, and I didn't feel (in the moment) as though I had accomplished anything great and wonderful......but once I compared the two, I was thrilled with how my hard work has paid off thus far.  Going forward, I have decided to make regular videos so I can truly track my progress accurately and use all success, big or small, as motivation.

 

   July 8, 2020             Aug 4, 2020

I guess my main point is that because we are constantly striving to be better and continuously challenging our current skill level, it may not feel as though we've made much progress.  In order to recognize your accomplishments, you need to remember where you started and ensure you are being fair in your self assessments.  Don't overlook the small victories along the way....they are vital to reaching your end goal.

Falling Behind

Every so often I start to feel overwhelmed with the shear amount of information coming at me.  Just when I think I've started to figure things out and get a handle on my training, we are introduced to new techniques, forms, applications, ideas, etc.  I feel that if it's being discussed in class, then it's something I should be working on. But I just can't fit it all in.  I'll be focused on and dedicated to practicing a few specific things that I have deemed important....and then suddenly realize that I haven't thrown a roundhouse or picked up my stick in 3 weeks.

For me, this is the biggest challenge that I have found so far with managing my own training.  It's difficult to sort out what's important now and what can wait.  And I'm constantly second guessing my choices.  I often wonder what everyone else is working on and what their training regime looks like.  Am I doing enough?  Am I working on the right things?  Or am I falling behind?