Wallowing In Misery

Tonight was probably the single worst class I have ever had.  Rarely (ever?) have I walked away from class feeling like I did tonight.

As I entered class, my back and my neck were on my mind.  After my chiropractor appointment, they are feeling better, but not totally healed. And I considered not participating.  But once I stood in that front row, I wasn’t able to step away.  I’m supposed to be a leader.  An example. And so I stayed.  Unfortunately, I was neither a leader nor an example. And I didn’t belong in the front row.

At the start, as long as my technique was good, things were okay.  That’s something I’ve learned in Tai Chi.  If you have an injury, it will be more aggravated if you’re performing the technique wrong.  An injury can be a valuable tool in pinpointing bad technique.  And that seemed to be the case here as well.  So as long as I moved just a smidge slower…as long as I was doing things properly…I felt okay.  

A healthy body is forgiving.  A healthy body doesn’t notice if you’re just a little bit off.   A healthy body can handle a margin of error.  An unhealthy body cannot.  And eventually there was a moment during our kicks that I felt a twinge in my back.  Nothing crazy, but it was there. And from that moment on, that was my focus. That was my intent.

“Don’t hurt yourself”

With every kick it got worse.  I was uncommitted.  I was pulling the technique.  I was moving with fear. And realistically that’s what made things fall apart.  I was in my own head.  There was a moment I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to scream in anger or cry in frustration.  Half of me was trying to get myself to do it, the other was saying no.  Neither won.  I lost.

I may have been better off staying home.  Which is what I said to Dan when I got home.  

He responded with “Aw that’s too bad.  I guess you’ll just need to try again next class.”  

To which I said “I am not in the mood for rational comments right now.”

To which he replied “That is also too bad.”

I mean really, is it too much to ask to be able to just wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself for a while?? In this house, apparently yes, it is too much to ask. 

Does this mean I’m feeling a-ok about everything now? No, not really.  The memory of failure is too fresh.  But rational thinking is slowly making its way in.  And I’m looking forward to trying again.