Oh I Get It...Previously Known As "I AM Humble"

I have recently found some success with the I AM project.  And it came about as I struggled to write this particular blog over the last couple of months.

The I AM project has been difficult for me from the start.  At first I felt it was because the topics were too specific.  My blogging tends to manifest on it's own, coming from what I am experiencing in the moment.  And having to choose a specific word from a list to write about was not in line with how I blog.  It felt too forced.

I soon realized that, although this was a factor, it wasn't the main issue I was having.  The issue was more about the meaning behind many of these words themselves.  I began to recognize that I was having the most difficulty with the words that are, to me, truly remarkable qualities to possess.  Many of these words hold so much significance, that they just seem too great to use as descriptors for myself and I did not feel worthy of their use.

As I was thinking these things, I realized this could be an opportunity to use the word HUMBLE as my topic.  I was struggling with writing about myself, with affirming these things about myself, and I thought that might fit.  But as I wrote, my thoughts began to take yet another turn and I had to pause.  Once again, it wasn't coming out the way I intended. The more I wrote, the more I recognized that my definition of humble wasn't right.  I do think I am humble, but my reasons didn't have much substance.  Not being able to describe myself in positive ways, not being able to recognize important qualities in myself, shying away from credit or thanks...that's not humble.  That's low self-worth.  And that's not the same thing.

And so, although this blog has changed course from the original topic of being humble, I somehow delved so deep that I didn't just re-evaluate what being humble truly meant, but also discovered a turning point for myself with the I AM project as a whole. The more I dug into this, the more I found myself able to acknowledge, with confidence, that I am many of the things on the I AM word list.  I began to see the importance of affirming these things in myself in order to keep moving forward, as well as the damage and setbacks caused by continuously telling myself I was NOT.  It's not about patting myself on the back for a job well done.  It's about finding the deeper meanings within these various ideals and building on those each time I happen to discover one.  That is how I will truly grow and progress.

I am now just recognizing the bigger purpose, and the true value, behind the whole thing.  

I AM an Artist

To me, an artist is anyone that creates. Whether that be with a brush, their hands, their words, their body, their mind. An artist has the ability to envision something where there is nothing and then bring that to life.

I have always been an artist. I have always been able to create. But I have also struggled. I have been the type of artist that maintains control over my creations. My vision and my end result need to match. If they don't, the creation is a failure and discarded before it has had a chance to live and breathe.

The most successful artists not only create, but also have the ability to allow a creation to manifest on it's own. They will mould, but not force. They do not push, but will gently guide, allowing the creation to establish it's own direction and become what it is meant to be. They are a conduit for the creation to unfold and find it's full potential.

Through Kung Fu, I am changing as an artist. I am slowly developing my eye for detail. I am also developing my relationship with Chi. I am learning how my body moves. I am learning how my energy moves. I am learning the importance of relinquishing control and allowing these things to merge and come together on their own, without force. That is the 6 harmonies and that is where the art and the beauty is found.

Becoming a martial artist has opened my eyes to how much potential I truly have at being an artist. 

I AM an Artist

I AM an Example

It's easy to give someone else advice.  It's easy to tell someone what they should be doing, how they should be doing it, when they should be doing it...and so on.

It's much harder to follow that same advice.  In fact, my words have no credit at all, if I say one thing and do another.

As a mother, a teacher, a human being...it's important to remember that everything I do has the potential to be an example for others, both good and bad.  I will, of course, make mistakes.  But the sooner I am able to recognize those, the sooner those mistakes can be used as examples of what not to do.  I suppose rather than setting good examples and bad examples, I'd rather set good examples of what to do and good examples of what not to do.  😉

Either way,  it's what I do that others will learn from...it's what I do that will have the most impact. 

"A good example has twice the value of good advice." - Albert Schweitzer

I AM an Example

I AM a Leader

Being a leader isn't about being in charge.  It's not about being at the top, nor is it about having others follow you.  A leader typically doesn't crave to lead, but rather will step up when the role is left empty or lacking, with no intent or desire to stay there permanently.

Being a leader has nothing to do with title or rank, status or power.  It's about walking forward boldly, creating a path, but allowing those following to pass when they are ready.  It's about setting examples and encouraging others to do the same.  It's about sharing knowledge and ideas and then sitting back to see how far someone else might go with it.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that the best leaders are constantly stepping up, and then back again, often without even being noticed.

As a leader, my ultimate goal isn't getting to the front of the pack, it's getting to the back.

I AM a Leader.

A Spotlight

Regardless of how well I might be doing overall, negativity can still sneak in.  Thoughts come and go, with or without my approval.  I could be doing great in 99.9% of everything I'm trying to accomplish, yet if I'm struggling mentally for any reason, my mind fills with negative thoughts because of that little 0.1% of struggle.  And unfortunately, the negative thoughts don't just confine themselves to just the 0.1%, but rather they spread until I convince myself they apply to everything right across the board.

I've always done my best to just ignore these thoughts.  I felt that ignoring them was the right way to address them.  Yet those are two totally different things. And so when many of these old thoughts flooded my mind after last nights class, I found myself wondering if by pushing these thoughts down, and trying to brush them under a rug, I was inadvertently giving them a place to grow, which only enabled them to come back easier and stronger at the first sign of adversity.  And so I decided to try something.  I decided to put them all down in writing and stare at them head on.  By putting a spotlight directly on them, I hope to make the recurrences both less frequent and hopefully weaker.  So here we go.

I'm too old to be doing this.

I'm too weak and slow compared to my classmates.

It's not that complicated.  I must be a complete moron for not being able to do [this].

I will never be quick enough in mind or in body to spar or grapple or even defend myself.

I look like an idiot when I try to do [this].

I don't belong here amongst these other, much better, martial artists.

I'm not nearly in good enough shape to think I could be good at this.

I don't belong in the front row.

I don't deserve this belt (or stripe).

Why haven't I earned [this] stripe, when everyone else has?  I'm obviously not as good as I wish I was.

I'm a fraud for posing as a leader when I'm so brutal at most of this.

If I can't do [this], then why bother with any of it.

I am the absolute worst at [this].

I've been doing this for [this long] and still suck at [this].

Everyone else is so much better.

What makes me think I can teach anyone else when I can't even do some of this stuff myself.

I'm never going to get any better.

Much of my "skill" is both laughable and embarrassing.

I'm so far behind that I may as well just give up.

Why is everyone else progressing and I am not?

Why does this seem to come so naturally to others but not to me?

What is the point of working so hard for such small steps of progress?

Now I've paraphrased most of these thoughts in the interest of simplicity.  But I think you more or less get the gist of the many negative thoughts I will find in my mind at times.  Some of these thoughts are mere flashes that barely register.  Some might gain traction and last for days or more.  Some are ego-based.  Some might make me look not so great.  But they are all thoughts that have been in my mind at some point.  And I'm sure they will come again at some point in the future.  As I said, my hope is that this exercise will prove to make them less frequent and less substantial.  But that will remain to be seen for now.

What WAS interesting with this exercise, and what was apparent very quickly, was that when I put them down in writing and actually looked at them and acknowledged them, I realized I had a response, or refutation, for every single one.  EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.  Not only that, but once I pulled them out of the shadows in the darkest corners of my mind, they became less scary, and more absurd.  And suddenly, they already had less power.

What's important is not that I try to never have these thoughts.  That would be impossible.  What's important is that I don't just let them sit there unchecked with the potential to do real harm.  That I, instead, acknowledge them, respond to them and recognize them for what they are.  And what they are is lies.

Wallowing In Misery

Tonight was probably the single worst class I have ever had.  Rarely (ever?) have I walked away from class feeling like I did tonight.

As I entered class, my back and my neck were on my mind.  After my chiropractor appointment, they are feeling better, but not totally healed. And I considered not participating.  But once I stood in that front row, I wasn’t able to step away.  I’m supposed to be a leader.  An example. And so I stayed.  Unfortunately, I was neither a leader nor an example. And I didn’t belong in the front row.

At the start, as long as my technique was good, things were okay.  That’s something I’ve learned in Tai Chi.  If you have an injury, it will be more aggravated if you’re performing the technique wrong.  An injury can be a valuable tool in pinpointing bad technique.  And that seemed to be the case here as well.  So as long as I moved just a smidge slower…as long as I was doing things properly…I felt okay.  

A healthy body is forgiving.  A healthy body doesn’t notice if you’re just a little bit off.   A healthy body can handle a margin of error.  An unhealthy body cannot.  And eventually there was a moment during our kicks that I felt a twinge in my back.  Nothing crazy, but it was there. And from that moment on, that was my focus. That was my intent.

“Don’t hurt yourself”

With every kick it got worse.  I was uncommitted.  I was pulling the technique.  I was moving with fear. And realistically that’s what made things fall apart.  I was in my own head.  There was a moment I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to scream in anger or cry in frustration.  Half of me was trying to get myself to do it, the other was saying no.  Neither won.  I lost.

I may have been better off staying home.  Which is what I said to Dan when I got home.  

He responded with “Aw that’s too bad.  I guess you’ll just need to try again next class.”  

To which I said “I am not in the mood for rational comments right now.”

To which he replied “That is also too bad.”

I mean really, is it too much to ask to be able to just wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself for a while?? In this house, apparently yes, it is too much to ask. 

Does this mean I’m feeling a-ok about everything now? No, not really.  The memory of failure is too fresh.  But rational thinking is slowly making its way in.  And I’m looking forward to trying again.

My Ego Is A Jerk

My body is not cooperating lately.  For quite some time I have felt restricted, stiff and sore. I don’t feel like I am getting the range I’m capable of, nor height, speed or strength.  I recognize that I need to add my gravity stretching back into my day.  Once again, I’ve let that completely fall off the wagon.  But this acknowledgment comes too late, and so this past week I’ve also been coping with a lower back injury, sharp pain in my knee and elbow, and a real bad tweak in my neck.  Today seems to be the worst yet.

Injuries, or even just minor limitations, are so frustrating.  And they always seem to come when I can least afford them…in times where I’m overly busy and find myself already too far behind for my liking. Today, I had planned to focus on my forms.  I’m behind several reps for both.  Yet the attempts I’ve made so far today have been pretty weak and feeble. Low kicks, shallow stances (if you can even call them stances), slow movements.  I’m obviously more focussed on my injuries and not making them worse, which is fine…but then I feel like my training efforts are pretty much pointless.  I’m left feeling incompetent and dissatisfied.  And I find myself thinking, “does this even count if I’m training at such a low intensity?”…along with “why even bother?”.

The rational, and more compassionate part of me says yes, I absolutely should bother.  Modify accordingly and continue training even at a low intensity.  And yes it “counts”.  

This is also what I would advise anyone else to do.

And so although I continue to train in a very diminished capacity, my ego is being a real jerk and has me feeling like a fake.

102 Floors Up

Historically, I have always had severe anxiety when it comes to heights.  Balconies, glass walls or floors, Ferris Wheels, bridges, even swinging too high as a kid....all have brought on fear and anxiety to the point I'd sometimes feel as though my breath was taken away and I'd just want to drop to my belly and hug the ground.

So when Dan said he wanted to take the Skypod ride to the top of the new World Trade Center Observatory in New York, I agreed, but didn't think it would be at all pleasant.

It surprised me then, at 102 floors up, facing a 360degree full glass wall overlooking the entire city, that I felt no anxiety or fear at all.  Literally none.  I felt completely calm and was easily able to not only approach the glass walls to look out but even leaned on the glass to capture a photo straight down.  It was a new and amazing feeling to be able to enjoy that moment and take in the breathtaking view, without the fear and anxiety that has always been present.

This sudden change confused me.  How could I suddenly have no fear when previously the anxiety was near crippling?  I wouldn't think that anxiety like this would just suddenly disappear, but that seemed to be the case.

As I was sharing my story with a friend, she made a comment alluding to practicing yoga to cope with anxiety issues.  And a lightbulb suddenly went off.  What if my fear of heights hasn't suddenly vanished for no reason at all?  What if my meditation practice over the last couple of years, along with my kung fu and continuous work on centering and grounding, has something to do with it?  It makes sense to me that it would at least be a contributing factor.  The practices of calming the mind, breathing, mindfulness, grounding, gratitude, acceptance of mortality, energy, chi, and so on, are all things that would most definitely help alleviate feelings of anxiety or fear, not just with heights, but with many things.

And I continue to be amazed at what Kung Fu has, and is, doing for me in all areas of my life.

Moment To Moment

We talk about intent on a fairly regular basis.  As a new martial artist, adjusting my intent is a conscious effort and can be difficult.  I will often find myself adjusting my intent too slowly, resulting in hesitation...or too soon, resulting in incomplete techniques.  Either (or both) can result in my forms being very choppy or flawed as I consciously and specifically change my intent from moment to moment.

Recently, I have begun to find areas in my forms that are becoming more organic...more pure, than others.  Where my intent seems to be adjusting itself naturally and freely, thus managing to stay pure in that moment and on to the next.  Moments where my intent is guiding rather than pushing.  And in these moments, I'm starting to feel and recognize the difference between actively having to focus on and think about my intent versus when it seems to change and adjust on it's own without effort.

IHC Number Update - July 13, 2022

SORRY THIS IS SO LATE THIS MONTH! 

My July IHC Update - Approximately 46% into the Year of the Tiger

Year of the Tiger - Feb 1, 2022 to Jan 20, 2023 (353 days)

✅ = achieving/exceeding my numbers or generally on track where numbers don't really apply.

❌ = behind on my numbers or things aren't going well, where numbers don't apply.

➖ = unsure of progress, the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet, it may take the full year to properly evaluate, or it's something I would need my instructors to determine my success/failure.  I've decided to still list these things here just as a reminder that they are still requirements.

Base Requirements

✅ Hand Form - Dou Ti  452/1000

✅ Weapon Form - Stick 1 and 2  454/1000

✅ Push-ups  22781/50,000

✅ Sit-ups  22687/50,000

❌ Sparring  423/1000 *I'm slowly falling further and further behind on this.  I need to get it together.

✅ Kilometers 891/1609

✅ Acts of Kindness 474/1000

✅ Blogging/Online Presence

✅ Unexcused Absences

❌ Mastery by Stewart Emery

✅ Mend a Relationship - I've been trying to keep in touch with everyone on a consistent basis.  I struggle a bit with my one sister as we are very different people.  

➖ Lion Dancing - Instructors call

❌ Tiger Challenge

✅ Public Performances - Two under my belt now.  😁

➖ Core Curriculum - Instructors call

✅ SRKF Projects and Initiatives

Personal Requirements

➖ Learn how to reclaim my pottery clay

⭐ Establish a 15 minute/2km run time - SUCCESS!  My current best is now 12:11.

⭐ Box Jumps

✅ Monthly date with Dan

❌ Lion Dance Drumming

➖ Weekend Kung Fu Training with Kids - still need to put some more effort into this.  We are home for the next few weekends so that will help!

✅ Chi Development

➖ 3 x 1 Month "Clean Eating Challenge" -  2 months down.  I'll be blogging soon about Junes sugar goal.

✅ Record Numbers of all known forms.  There is no specific number I'm trying to reach.  My personal requirement is simply to record them.

• Awakening the Dragon = 20
• Broadsword 1-2 = 8
• Da Mu Hsing 1-5 = 40
• Hsieh Chien = 29
• Lao Gar 1-3 = 42
• Long 1 = 16
• Hung 1-2 = 41

❌  I AM Project 11/30 - I should be at about 14 at this point

 

Happy Anniversary

Two years ago today I wrote my first blog.  I was not yet part of the I Ho Chuan team, but I was following many of the team at this point and was intrigued by the concept.  The ability to track and record my journey, in a tangible way, seemed like a very valuable tool. 

When I’ve accomplished a goal, when I’ve reached a milestone, when I’ve found success…I blog.  These show me that success was possible and can be again.  When I’m struggling, feeling like a failure or simply lost…I blog.  These allow me to reflect and work through various challenges, and then serve as reminders that these times always pass.  

Coincidentally, or maybe not, the more I blog, the less frequent the latter type seem to occur.

Plan B

As part of the IHC Team, there is a requirement to perform in public demonstrations.  I don't think any of us are without that nagging fear that we will mess up somehow.  Whether it be that we miss a step, slip on wet grass, get turned around, find ourselves rolling down a hill...there are an endless number of things that could potentially happen that might result in losing our place and even forgetting our form altogether. And it can cause some real anxiety leading up to a demo....or disorientation and panic in the midst of it.

This happened to me during the downtown reopening demo.  Part ways through I suddenly realized that I could not remember what came next.  I think I got myself turned around somehow, and so suddenly the next step didn't feel right and I hesitated.  That moment of hesitation was enough to lose my train of thought and I found myself lost.  What I ended up doing was switching my stance a couple times, with some random blocks and punches, until I found myself in a position that was familiar enough to carry on.  Thankfully it worked out ok, but I think it was mostly luck that got me through.

After that, I found myself wondering what I would, or could do, if this were to happen again.  How could I carry on in a way that would minimize, or hide altogether, that I had messed up?  What could I have as a backup that could be used in a variety of different circumstances?  Realistically, there are an endless number of scenarios, and so this would need to be something both simple and versatile.

And so I now have a backup plan in the event that I find myself in a desperate situation needing to abort.  There is a portion nearing the end of my form where I get into a horse stance, facing the front, with a key block.  From the ground, after getting turned around, after losing my place and not being able to remember what comes next, I figured that one of the easiest positions to get back into would be a horse stance facing the audience.  From there I would move into my final set of techniques, bow, and get off the "stage" before anyone knows what the heck happened.

Now this may or may not work, as I haven't had the opportunity to test it out.  And hopefully I don't find myself rolling down a hill one day.  But if I do, I know what to do once I get to the bottom.