Pointing Fingers

Confidence is something we all lack at times.  

Where I lack confidence the most is in conflict.  I always do my best to be clear in my communications...both in personal or professional situations.  I am direct.  Consistent. And concise.  I do everything I can to lay out all the details and check off all the points when relaying information to someone.

So when a person comes back to me after a time...pointing a finger...laying blame on me for an issue they are experiencing, I take it to heart.  I lose sleep.

If I was in error, I do not struggle with saying so.  But if I know I did my due diligence, I want to be able to approach that conflict with confidence so that I don't end up absorbing that misdirected anger and frustration.

What I do, instead, is second guess myself.  Could I have explained things better?  Should I have double-checked?  Should I have sent reminders?  What other tools or resources can I create so this doesn't happen again?  Maybe they are right...maybe I should have known what they meant....or been able to foresee their intentions.

Having said that, I don't know if I could ever eradicate this altogether.  I think there will always be people that misdirect their anger and frustration over things they could have controlled.  People that will always hold others accountable for the challenges they face, but never themselves.

Construction Zone

Kwoon week has been quite productive. Although sometimes it's hard to tell when you're in the thick of it.  

I find that while working on a renovation project...one which requires a lot of that "behind the scenes" work (ie. design and planning, coordination, drywall, taping, mudding...and all the other things that sit hidden behind the final product that everyone else sees)...it takes a while before you feel like you're actually accomplishing something.  When there are still loads of materials piled around you...or tools and supplies scattered about...it can feel a bit overwhelming and as though you're not really making any progress.  In fact, it can feel like you're digging yourself further and further into a job that you maybe didn't think was going to be so complex or take so long.

But then suddenly, things will turn...and you'll start to be able to envision the final result.

This is a lot like our Kung Fu.  There are times when it feels like we are putting so much time and effort in, yet we aren't seeing the results we'd like.  We continue to work, yet we are having difficulty envisioning what the final outcome will be.  It can be hard to remember that it's all the "ugly" stuff behind the paint that gives the work integrity.  And maybe we even start second guessing whether we are doing the right things, or making the right decisions along the way.  We look around and all we see is unfinished bits and pieces, tools, supplies, dust and garbage everywhere.  Maybe we even have to do something over again because it didn't quite turn out the first time.  And everything is a bit of a disaster zone really.  But eventually, we get to a point where we can start putting things away, little by little.  Drywall is up...we won't need those cutoffs anymore...let's get rid of those.  Done sanding...let's vacuum up that dust.  Priming complete...let's get rid of those cans.

And eventually, little by little, the whole space starts coming together bit by bit.  

The hardest part, I find, is to simply trust the process.

Clutter

We've taken advantage of having my in-laws here and have been accomplishing some projects around the house.  Much of it has involved organization, getting rid of old junk and downsizing.  What a difference an organized space make with my mindset.  When my house gets cluttered, I always feel a certain amount of anxiety.  Once it's clean is when I can relax and focus on more pleasurable things.

What I haven't been able to figure out is the chicken or the egg.

Does my mind become cluttered because of my cluttered space?

Or does my space become cluttered because of my cluttered mind?

Aug 16 Numbers

Apologies team.  I've been running ragged since my in-laws arrived.  But here are some numbers.

Camping

We are just out camping this weekend.  It's been really nice spending some much needed time slowing down and breathing in nature.  

I do find it a bit difficult to do my forms just out and about in front of people.  But I did manage to go for a run two days and got my pushups and sit-ups in.  

I did the basic 2km runs.  My times were not awesome...but in my defence there were a lot of hills and more rugged terrain.  But I still was able to do them without stopping....and that I am proud of.

Whatever Comes Out

My mind seems to be a bit all over the place here today.  So after sitting here for much too long, I decided to just set my timer for 5 minutes and see what came out.

I'm working on a lot of different things at the moment.

I've re-broken my kick in Spear.  I had been focussing on getting height between the two kicks.  And I was making some progress.  But after some further discussion on it, I realized (with some assistance) that height shouldn't be my intent.  What's important in that sequence is the first kick and the last.  Nobody is going to care how high I get if my final kick doesn't do what it's supposed to.  Once I get the kicks nailed down, then I can gradually increase height, if it makes sense to do so.  In the initial stages of this change, my timing is a definitely off, as are my vectors.  But I'll get there.  And once I do, I'll start working on something else and break it again.

I continue to work on DMH 5 as a main focus....

Ooop!!  Timer just went off.  I'll set it for another 5.

DMH 5.  We were asked in class this past week what our main "issue" would be in our forms.  What comes to mind for me is my eyes...maybe better described as my mental gaze (not sure that makes sense or quite covers what I mean...lol).  I tend to look inward, more than outward, making many of my forms quite internal, so to speak.  In some places this is fine...ideal even.  But for DMH specifically, this is predominately an external form.  As I work on this, I am finding it sort of like meditating.  I'll start off with my eyes outward, locked on an opponent.  Then suddenly, in the middle of the form, I realize I've come back inside, and I have to shift them back out.  Actually wait....now that I think about it, it's pretty much the complete OPPOSITE of meditation.  When I meditate, my intent is to keep my focus within.....and often I'll find my mind wandering out.  But with my forms I, my intent...

5 minutes went off again!!!  Ok.  Just 5 more...

...my intent should be outward on an opponent but it keeps drifting back in!  Hm.  Isn't that interesting.  Lol.  Another thing I'm noticing as I try to "gaze beyond my bubble", is that when I do so, I will sometimes find my body following.  What I mean by that is that I will sometimes feel a shift out of my centre ....almost reaching along with my focus....and even losing stability and balance.  This is also really interesting.  My mental gaze seems to be very connected to my centre.  Hm.  The words "mental energy" and "physical energy" just popped into my head.  Anyways, I feel that I am experiencing some sort of disconnection here and will continue to explore.  Maybe it's just gonna take some practice to be able to send my focus outward further and further.  Kinda like stretching to increase flexibility...but for my mind.

Times up!!  And no reset this time.  😊

Nothing Much

 Just a quick numbers update. 

Fun First

I've recently taken a different approach to the kids class warmups.  I was noticing (as were some other instructors) that with a basic warmup, the kids were bored and disengaged before the class actually began.  And when someone is starting off that way, it's near impossible to pull their attention back and try to teach them anything.

So over the last while, the warmups have been a key part of the class, rather than just a necessary evil.  They've been very game and fun driven.  A means for the kids to burn off some of that energy from the day.  A chance to laugh and squeal.  Interact as a group.

And with a free and happy mind, they are much more open and receptive to listening and learning.  In fact, they seem excited to do so and I'm getting so much more out of them.

I started to wonder if I could apply to to my own training.  

There are days where I feel like my approach is all business.  A narrowed focus on just getting stuff done.  Or maybe I've been feeling like theres been no progress, so I just dive straight into the work.

And maybe that's a poor approach.  Maybe if I took a few minutes before I started, to just play around and have some fun, it would set me up for a much more successful training session overall.

Requirement Update - Part 1

A quick overview and update on my requirements.

What I am working on.....specifically.

Spear

My Spear work has been tricky over the last couple weeks (shoulder injury).  So I'm trying to focus on some things that don't really require my shoulder.  Funny thing is that almost everything utilizes everything (darn 6 harmonies)...so even that has proven difficult.  But I'm doing what I can and I'm still finding value in all of it.

1. Inside cyclone/spinning-flying outside/inside cyclone kick - this is improving.  So many moving parts.  I've been offered lots of different feedback from lots of different people and it's been interesting how different the perspectives are.  I'm trying to piece the different things together that seem to click for me personally in my own brain and go from there.  Something that makes me grin is that not one person (except maybe in my own brain) has even hinted that age might hold me back with this.  Or maybe they have and are just being kind.  In any event, they certainly aren't letting their instruction or feedback be limited by it and the expectation from my teachers is that, with practice, I will get there.  Period.  I'm not sure how many other 45 year olds in the world are trying to learn this kick.  Maybe there's a Facebook support group I can join.  🤣
2. Expansion/Contraction - there are lots of areas in this form with obvious points of expansion and contraction.  As I establish the obvious ones, some of the more subtle ones are becoming visible as well.  This concept is really starting to open up, not only in Spear, but my other forms as well.
3. Phrasing - I've found a couple spots that I'm working on with both timing and speed that will be a little different than how I've been doing it so far.  I think it will add both visual interest and an opportunity to "rejuvenate my flow of energy" within the form. (It took me a while to write that last little bit...I was having a hard time figuring out how to verbalize what I was trying to achieve.  Hopefully it makes sense.  lol.)
4. Mental reps - with all the driving time I've had (20 hours taking my kids to grandmas and picking them up again) I've done a lot of mental visualizing with my form.  I discovered the value of this after my foot surgery and have continued to practice this in times where I cannot physically train (the dentist is a great place too, lol).  I have a few things I'm going to try out once my shoulder is behaving again.
• Helicopter - timing of hand and end of spin, gaze, pause
• Jump - timing and incorporation of upper body/spear
• Hand flip before flipping my bad guy, staying low
• Standing up after impale - this might sound dumb, but I feel like I can stand up with more intent here.
5. Fight Scene - again, during all the driving time, I went through my form mentally and actually played out a fight scene.  I got very specific with where the opponents are, when I finished them off, when the same one came at me again, etc, etc.  I found some spots where I got extra specific, which was interesting.  For example, in a particular spot, I would consider the "move" to be a check...but when I was considering all the opponents, I also thought to myself..."this isn't JUST a check, it's an opportunity to intimidate and cause someone to hesitate and question their next move".  This will require more intensity.  And I got to thinking about not only the obvious intensity in my eyes, but in the energy that I may (or may not be) emitting in that moment.  Again, not sure if that makes sense but it's a concept I'm going to explore.  I also found a spot where, although it could (more obviously) be a technique/block....I also noticed that what I was doing seemed exactly like if I were wiping the blood off my spear from the last strike 😲...and that intent provides a completely different sort of intensity/energy to that particular moment.

Honestly, I had intended to provide updates on all of my requirements in this blog, but I got way more into what I'm doing with my Spear than I intended.  To be honest, I went into this thinking that I wasn't really working on much recently (trying to avoid making my shoulder worse) and was pleasantly surprised to see that I've actually been doing quite a bit.  

Anyways, I will end this blog and call it "Part 1".  So more to come on my other requirements!

Injuries and Connections

I've been dealing with a few injuries over the last bit.

Firstly my hand/wrist.  As some might recall I accidentally turned my spear into a hoe one day, hyper extending a part of my hand in the process.  I've been to the doctor and had an X-ray.  No cracks or breaks or anything.  So that's good news.  But it is extremely painful to grasp anything with weight or to squeeze.  And I'm told something like this will take a while to heal, especially with everything I do with my hands.  I've been previously diagnosed with carpel tunnel as well, so I'm not sure if that's contributing to things as well.

Anyhow, moving on.  With doing some drumming recently, both in practice and demos, the hand pain seemed to move into my elbow.  So now that is bothering me.  I think with not being able to really hold my sticks normally, due to the hand, I compensated in some way and put some stress on the elbow.  This is more just irksome at this point, rather than anything concerning.

And then, I'm guessing in part, due to the pushup building challenge we do in the kids classes, I've re-injured my shoulder.  This exact same thing happens any time I get to about 20 consecutive pushups.  It never fails that I end up damaging my right shoulder.  And unfortunately, I never seem to learn.  But when I want to push my students with something, I have an expectation of myself that I do it with them.  This just may not be possible in all things.  And it kinda sucks.  But it's also a reality.

And finally, while working on Da Mu Hsing, I tweeked my neck real good.  Again, I think this was a result of the other injuries, and not because of what I was doing.  Almost like a ticking time bomb.  I've had this type of injury before, but this time around it seems to be taking some time to heal.  I've got much better movement this week, but it's still sort of "sitting there" and so I'm trying not to overdo it.

So from a hand injury, to an elbow injury, to a shoulder injury, to a neck injury....I'm pretty lame on my right side.

So what am I doing about it??  

Well, I've been to the chiropractor now a few times since the neck tweek really put me over the edge edge with it all.  And I'm doing my exercises and stretches.  So everything is slowly working itself out.  Sometimes I feel like things have really improved, and then she seems to find these spots where everything is still really tight and painful.  There's a spot she was working on yesterday on my chest.  I wouldn't have really thought about a spot there being connected to the back/neck pain, nor my shoulder.  She also pointed out that she can tell that I tend to breathe quite high, rather than in my belly.  So now, as part of my rehab, I need to work on my breathing.  

I guess what I'm getting at with this long winded blog, is that, although I already know and understand how many things are connected, I just keep learning more.  And it's just so interesting.

Oh...and also to take care of injuries quickly...even those little ones....lest they turn into something more.  I'm excited to have a better understanding of the KT tape now (thanks Todai Bauer) as this will be a real easy way for me to address anything minor quickly and without excuse.

Step Away

The situation with my father has not improved.

I stepped back from everything about a month ago when he turned down, yet another suitable housing option.  Every option seems to have something not quite right with it, as far as he's concerned.  Realistically, he's grasping at anything he can to use as an excuse not to leave where he is...even though he's being asked to go, and will eventually just be kicked out.  

And I couldn't do it anymore.  I had to step away.

But recently, I have found out that he has found an apartment.  Great, right?  Unfortunately, no.

This place checks off absolutely none of his needs.  It boggles my mind that THIS is the one he's going with.  And what's worse is that it is in the absolute worst part of the city.  The highest rates of crime, homelessness, addiction, etc.  It's almost as if he wants to isolate himself from his family altogether.  I've told him I wouldn't feel safe bringing the kids to this area of town and that I'd be hesitant to go there myself.  But that doesn't seem to bother him.

I tell myself I have to be okay with his choices, but I'm not.  And I'm really not sure where this is all going to lead.  He's my dad, and so I feel an obligation as his family to try and stay connected and to help if I can.  But to be very honest, I also feel like he's not even a person I want to be around or be associated with.  And I feel a tremendous amount of guilt thinking these things.  I have to constantly remind myself to practice empathy, kindness and gratitude.  And without that, I would likely have severed ties long ago.

Having said that, and on probably the only positive note in any of this, my sister and I have talked and connected more over the last 3 months than we have in the last 5 years.  It started just about our dad, but has since grown into more.  And for that I am grateful.

Even If I Tried

 "Try surrounding yourself with friends who ask more of you than you do." - Mastery by Stewart Emery

I made it public knowledge at a meeting a couple months back that I needed help with my inside cyclone-spinning/flying/inside/outside cyclone kick in my Spear form.  I'm not much of a "flier", and my tendency is to want to stay close to the ground.

Since then I've been working with Sihing Ward on some strategies to improve it.  

But I've also had several other people reach out to see how it's been going and to offer their own personal experience and struggles, in hopes that it might help me with mine.

For example, Thursday's non-mandatory IHC open training class found me, and 3 other black belts, working on this kick for almost the entire hour.

This isn't something anyone NEEDS to do.  There's no obligation here.  And often-times they are spending precious training time of their own, to help ME improve.

Being a part of this team, I sometimes feel like I couldn't fail even if I tried.  Lol.

15:39

Our coffee time yesterday included a lot of talk about running.  I have never been much of a runner, but I've always been intrigued and a little envious of those that do.  

In September of 2021, at one of our boot camps, we did the Black Belt 2km run.  I clocked in at 17:20.  I was actually really proud of myself that day, because, although the time wasn't awesome, I did not stop and walk at any point.  I pushed myself to keep running, even if it was only at a snails pace.  This led me to including a personal requirement for the next IHC year (2022) to achieve a 2km run in under 15 minutes (yesterday I had mentioned 12 minutes, but I looked back in my blogs and see now that I was mistaken).  Based on my old blogs, I see that I succeeded in that goal and had achieved a personal "best" of 12:11 by the end of the Year of the Tiger.

Then, in June of 2023, I had my foot surgery.  Which obviously kiboshed running for a time.  But in our chat yesterday, when saying it out loud, I realized that, 1) I haven't run since that time, and 2) that has now been 2 years ago.  This nagged at me afterwards because some of the words and phrases that came out while I was talking were like nails on a chalkboard.  

"I should really start running again..."

"I'll get back at it at some point..."

Once coffee time ended, these little phrases jut repeated over and over in my head.  I hated the way they sounded and I thought to myself, "So when?  What's wrong with now?".

So I put on my runners and I went for my first run in over 2 years.

Not only am I proud of myself for finally doing it.  But it wasn't near as terrible as I thought it would be.  Once again, I didn't let myself stop and I ran the whole distance....because I knew I could...and my time wasn't as bad as I imagined either (stats in the pic attached).  

Once I was back, stretching on the grass....I just felt really, really good.

So I challenge the rest of the team.  If there is something within your goals that you keep putting off for this or that....ask yourself "What's wrong with today?  What's wrong with now?"

 It really does feel good.

Coffee Time

Many of you will know about the Sunday morning coffees that we started several weeks back. If you haven't logged in yet, I would really recommend that you do.  This has been a really great way to get to know members of the team on a more personal level.  And when you start to know people beyond just one common thread, that's when you can really make connections and really get engaged.  At least that's what I have found.

I think sometimes, many of us are apprehensive to include too much personal info in our blogs, thinking that it doesn't really apply.  We might even struggle to blog, because we think, "what I've been doing isn't really about Kung Fu" or "nobody cares that I've been working on [this or that] because it's not about my requirements" and so then we don't blog at all.  

These "coffee times" have given us a way to chat without overthinking.  Without any censoring.  We don't try to predetermine if it's relevant.  We don't worry about whether it relates.  We just share.  We listen.  We learn.

And through these chats, what I'm learning is that it really is all relevant.  When you are making an effort to live a life of mastery, like we all are...it applies to all areas...not just our training...and not just in the Kwoon.  We are using these fundamentals and utilizing them in everything we do. 

And if we aren't...if we are only applying our efforts in mastery to our Kung Fu, and only our Kung Fu, and everything else is just in a state of chaos and disrepair....then I think we're probably doing it wrong.

Tournament Sparring....The Results

Tiger Challenge 2025 is now past.  And as many of you know, I had been waffling about entering the sparring event. The little push from the team was quite helpful...so thank-you.  But ultimately, there were two main reasons why I ended up "ripping off the bandaid" so to speak.  

One.  For weeks, I had been encouraging and pushing all of my students to set aside their apprehension or nervousness, and to just enter.  How could I, logically, not heed that same advice and set a good example?

Two.  As a Brown Belt I am much more aware of my proximity to grading.  And I suddenly had this terrible, panic inducing thought of my first tournament sparring experience being in the Black Belt division.  Ummm...nope.  If I didn't take the plunge now, I probably never would.

And so I entered.  Not only was it a great experience, but there was quite a bit of fun and a lot of laughs to be had.  As a female opposing two larger males, I definitely had the crowd on my side as the "underdog".  So that was fun....for me that is.  Lol.  Also, partways through my match with Todai Raw, I lost a contact.  I've been wearing contacts since I was about 12....and I have never had one pop out.  But suddenly, at point call, I realized that I couldn't see out of one eye.  Lo and behold, we found it almost crushed under Sifu Rybak's foot.  And so I picked it up, put it on the table, and carried on with the match.  On top of all that, and in typical ironic fashion, I ended up having to fight 3 matches consecutively.  Of course that would happen that way.  Lol.  

But all in all it was actually quite fun.  I came out with a bunch of bruises, a swollen ankle, a few good stories and the knowledge that these things really aren't as scary as we make them out to be.

Mash-Up

So on one hand I am excited to be incorporating some new and important details to my spear form.  I feel like I'm really taking it to the next level.  

On the other hand, I wasn't really thinking about the timing.  

I mean, who breaks their form 72 hours before the Tiger Challenge??

oo!!...oo!!....I do!!!!  ✋✋

As I've been working on these changes, I realized I couldn't really get through a rep anymore in one piece, because my mind was stalling out in different spots trying to think about was I was doing versus what I want to be doing.  And so earlier today I thought, okay...let's just put these changes aside and I'll just do it how I was before, just for the tournament.

Nope.  Doesn't work that way.  Once you put something in that you know is "more right" and "more better"...it's not that easy anymore to go backwards.  

And so I'm in a bit of a "mash-up" phase at the moment.  Little of the new...little of the old...not fully to one side or the other.

Having said all that....would I go back in time and put this progress on hold for the sake of the tournament.  No.  I would not.  I kind of feel like this week has been really advantageous for my form as a whole with some really important steps taken to get it super solid for the Chinese New Year.  But for tomorrow....yeah...it's anyones guess.

But I think I'm at peace with that.  

On another note...I had my doctors appointment for my hand today.  He's fairly certain it's a ligament injury and not something like a break.  He's still sending me for an x-ray though, to make certain.  But he advised me to rest it and not do anything like hitting walls (he intended this as a joke) or the activity that caused the damage in the first place (which would be spear/Kung Fu).  I told him that I will be using my spear, sparring and breaking wooden boards tomorrow.  I think he thought I was joking at first...but then just had an odd look of "wtf" on his face when he realized I was serious.  I also think he knew that it was non-negotiable because he didn't proceed to fight me on it.  So I'm taking his lack of "insistence" as being medically cleared.  😉😜

Tournament Sparring

I have been trying to convince myself to enter the sparring event at the Tiger Challenge for several weeks now.  The thought alone makes me start to panic.

Although I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable in class, the main reason for that is because it's so controlled.  Even when we free-spar, the lower ranking, or less comfortable student, sets the pace.  So there's always that safety net.

A tournament setting, I think, is a whole different dynamic.  At least I'm assuming it is.  I wouldn't expect anyone to hold back because of MY anxiety.  In fact, I'd WANT them to really be able to showcase their skill.  And it's nerve-wracking to think of being just completely obliterated in that setting.  I would have no expectation of winning.  But I would like to at least be a bit of a challenge for someone.

In addition, I also look where I am in my training, and I'm a little embarrassed that sparring is an event that I've never entered.  As a Brown Belt, this sort of feels a little "unacceptable" to me.  And this also adds to the anxiety.

And yes...I realize much of this is ego.  Ugh...

Anyhow, I want to be clear in my intent of this blog and say that I'm not looking for "tire-pumping".  But rather, if anyone has some words of wisdom that could get me out of my head (and into a ring)...lay 'em on me.

I Don't Get It

I injured my hand a while back.  Remember when I turned my spear into a hoe?  Yup, that's when it happened.  When my spear caught, it ended up causing my thumb to jam pretty badly (actually more than just the thumb...but that big meaty part that goes with it).  Ever since then, I haven't been able to grasp anything without some pretty decent pain.  I had hoped it would resolve itself, but here we are, a full 2 months later.  

I've been saying the last couple weeks "I need to make an appointment", but for some reason everything else has beat it on my priority list.  And to be honest, I can't figure out why because it's causing problems in other areas; pottery, ukulele and gardening.  Simple things like squeezing the shampoo and mustard bottles are out of the question as well.  I've been squishing these against other surfaces to get by.

It sounds comical as I describe the struggles, but seriously?...why do we put these things off?  If it were someone else...the kids, dan...I would have made an appointment long ago.

So why, when it come to our own health, do we procrastinate?

Ugh

 I continue to struggle with blogging and I just can't figure it out.  Thoughts, writing, all of it, used to just come so naturally.  And although I've managed to keep doing it, my blogs are just so "meh".

Typically, we say that when we have nothing to blog about, it will usually mean that we aren't training.  But that's really not the case.  I'm working on a lot of different things.  Making progress (I think and hope!!...lol).  Discovering things and finding "ah-ah" moments and staying engaged.  

Yet I continue to struggle to put it on paper in a meaningful way.

And it's gone from being worrisome, to frustrating and now just annoying.

I've tried to tell myself to just not worry about it.  Just write.  And that eventually it will all come back around.  But it hasn't.

Ugh.

Cheater!

There was a reason I chose the forms I did at for the Year of the Snake.  But as I was watching others start to create their own forms, I started to think that I had "cheated" by choosing a form I only had to learn, rather than create.

I am now of a different opinion.  At the start of the year, there is only an illusion that learning an already developed form is "easier".  This illusion comes from the fact that you just need to learn a sequence, where someone creating a form needs to start right from ground zero.  But this also means that when learning an already developed form you need to stay true to that form, and can’t change it to suit your own needs or purpose.  Often, when developing our own, we incorporate the things we are already good at and that feel good.  Or we will make changes to suit ourselves if we think something is too hard or just isn’t working. With another’s form, you can’t do that.  You need to continue to work at it, regardless of whether you like a particular piece. You need to push yourself beyond those arbitrary limits that might surface unconsciously when making our own forms.  

I’m not saying there aren’t advantages and benefits to both methods.  Just that I no longer think it was “cheating”. lol

Mentors

One of my personal requirements this year is to learn how to play the ukulele.  I've been practicing regularly and have been using an app that guides me through different lessons.  I've also watched various videos, trying to pick up what I can but also made a point of asking a friend to mentor me in this.  

There really isn't a substitute for a mentor.  All the YouTube videos in the world, can't replace someone sitting in front of me answering my dumb little questions or pointing out the tiny little details that tend to make all the difference.  Being able to talk about the challenges I'm facing and having someone assure me that they went through the same things.

It's the same with my Kung Fu.  There is huge advantage to all of the practicing and exploring I do solo.  But having a mentor to touch base with now and again seems to act as a grounding tool.  A means to refocus and determine a course of action based on all the self discovery that's been made.

For the last couple years, when setting my requirements, I've made a point of ensuring that I have someone to mentor me in that goal.  And as I look back, most of the goals that I either failed or didn't do well at were the ones that I did not have someone mentoring me.

I can't decide if that's really interesting or just really obvious.

Bubbled Up

This isn't the happiest of blogs.  And might be a little heavy for some.  Just as a forewarning.

I've been dealing with some extra pressures over the last couple of weeks.

My dad and I have always had a difficult relationship.  He has struggled all his life with addiction and has really not taken care of himself.  He and I have gone through some very rocky times and I've worked hard over the last few years to simply accept who he is and try to be grateful for the relationship we do have, as sad and one-sided as it might be.

Having said that, every few years, due to continuous poor decisions, no effort to plan, a lack of care for anyone else around him, and extreme procrastination, he will find himself on the verge of rock bottom.  He continues to age (80), his health continues to deteriorate and he is now totally blind in one eye and near blind in the other.  And he is now a few weeks away from not having anywhere to live.  And none of this is a surprise.  Everything that's happening right now are things we have tried to get him to plan for over the last 10 years when his eyesight first began to fail.

In an effort to ensure he doesn't end up homeless, or worse, I have been spending a lot of my time trying to research alternative living arrangements. Somewhere he can maintain some independence, but also get the help he needs due to his failing eyesight.  I've contacted countless organizations to figure out what sorts of resources are available to him.  Things like CNIB (institute for the blind) and such and getting the ball rolling there, as well as CPAS (Client Patient Access Services in Saskatchewan).  Although it's not even certain he will agree to participate in these things.  His financial resources are also very limited and I've been trying to get a handle on his income to see what other financial assistance he might be able to get.  One thing after another to make sure he ends up somewhere safe and that he can live comfortably and with some happiness.  I've also spent my time and energy organizing my other siblings, as well as trying to keep them all focused on the task at hand...although they mostly are just frustrated and want to vent (understandably) because once again, we are cleaning up a giant mess he's made.

Some might just say..."let him deal with it himself...it's his problem".  And I've said that myself at times....but have never been able to follow through.  He's my dad.  And regardless of the fact that he's never shown care for me, I do care for him.  And so here I am.

As much as this has weighed on me, I've been using my Kung Fu to its fullest potential.  When I've stepped on the mats, I've left it behind.  When I've felt myself get frustrated with his resistance and poor judgement, I've breathed and responded with kindness and empathy.  I've been putting everything I know, all of my knowledge, to work so that I can continue to communicate with him respectively and with sensitivity so that we can hopefully find a solution.  

And until today I thought I was doing okay.

Today I participated in the Sil Lum Seminar.  And the moment I took that first big breath in for our final section of meditation, it was like everything just bubbled up. Everything I've been doing has been about him, to help him, to alleviate his hurt and suffering. Today was the first moment in all of this that I have taken a moment to look internally.  And everything that I have been instinctually feeling...everything that has been getting pushed down further and further...finally had the chance to come out.  Frustration...sadness...and truthfully, a lot of anger.  I am so incredibly angry at him.  He's never been the parent...always the child...even when I, myself, was literally a child.  Until today, I truly didn't realize how angry I was.  

I am thankful that I was online, to be honest.  It wasn't a pretty moment....but it was obviously much needed.

This whole situation still has a long way to go.  And I really don't know how it will turn out.  But I do know, now, that I need to take extra care to have these moments for myself if I have any hope of getting through it without bringing that anger with me.

Mental Space

My day got away from me.  

I’ve been dealing with some family things over the last few days and it’s taken up a lot of my mental space. (Nothing with Dan and the kids!  For those of you that might worry).

But here are my numbers to date.  I’ve fallen behind a little on my spear form but I intend to make those up here this week.  I need to get a bit of sparring in as well.  

The Not So Ideal

I am currently in BC visiting family.  I prepared myself for this mentally in terms of my training because I knew that it would be difficult to just drop and start doing setups in the middles of a family gathering.  And unfortunately, privacy or alone time is limited.  As is space.  And so far it's been raining non-stop.  And so my reps are happening in our bedroom.  Any time I go in there, I make sure I do at least something. And my forms are done as repetitions in very small sections.  Although not ideal, so far so good!

Fatigue

I've been feeling some extra fatigue this week.  

I've been trying to develop my full pushups.  So that's probably part of it.  I'll need to keep a close eye on that.  Typically when I try to push, I end up injuring my shoulder(s).  And then I end up getting set back.  I'm trying to learn from those past experiences, so I'm going to lay off full ones for a couple days and make sure I let my shoulders rest before I push again.  

My legs have been pretty fatigued as well.  I've been working on that jump in the spear form, so that's been working my legs quite a bit.  One of my personal requirements is also 50,000 squats/equiv's. So that's adding to this as well I'm sure.  I've been feeling the fatigue in my hips too a bit.  So I'm monitoring that as well.

I feel good overall....just sore.  Which is better than injured...but certainly has the potential to become injury if I don't listen.  I'm trying to rest this weekend, but at the same time, don't want to lose the ground I've got.  Balance.

Having said all that, this is also why I like the variety of requirements I have.  If I need to back off of one, I've got others to work on so that I'm still moving forward.

The Need For Good Leaders

The Tiny Tigers age ranges from about 5-7.  So they're pretty young.  Easily distracted and need help staying focused.  And that's on a good day.  Lol.

Even so, everything about the most recent Tiny Tigers class felt extra "high-strung" for lack of a better word.  It wasn't that anyone was being "bad" per se.  But it felt like the class was just abnormally "amp'd" up and I, as an Instructor, felt like I was on constant high alert.  

I think I realized afterwards why this was.

Due to the roads, it was a small class.  Only 6 kids.  Which you'd think would have made things easier.  But I realized later on that 5 of those 6 kids were actually our "more rambunctious" ones.  We have a few kids in the Tiny Tigers that require a lot more hands on by the instructors.  A lot more redirection.   A lot more help paying attention and re-focussing.  Great kids!  Just a lot more high-maintenance, so to speak.

And they happened to be 5 of the 6 in that class, making the ratio of leaders to followers completely out of whack.  I think I realized, from this class, just how important it is to have good leaders in a group...and to have enough good leaders to support the rest.  The leaders not only set a good example but their energy also tends to keep the class grounded.

Without good leaders, without good examples for all of us, it can be easy to lose control and let chaos reign.

A Good Day

This is a “first” blog.  I was just going over my numbers and realized that I have done a little bit of something towards every single one of my requirements today, except blogging and sparring.  So guess what?

Yup.  Just did a couple rounds of some shadow boxing and I’m writing this blog to share this “first” with all of you!  I don’t recall this ever happening before.  And who knows when/if it would happen again.

Yup.  It’s been a good day.  

This Might Be One To Just Scroll By

Disclaimer:  I recognize that as I worked through this blog, it started one way, changed to another, shifted back, then did a 360, and then landed in space where it currently floats without any gravitational pull.  But perhaps this is important for me to recognize that I just might be in a state of flux or maybe even a void.  I don't see this as good or bad just yet...simply what it is.  But as I publish this I really don't know where I was going with any of it so take it all with a grain of salt.  Although I started last nights meeting with a thumbs up, I must admit I left feeling like some things discussed weren't sitting well with me.  I haven't figured out why just yet.  And so my headspace is also a little clogged.

A Good Start

I'm really pleased so far with the personal requirements that I've set for this year.  It was suggested that I make my requirements to suit the things I was already going to be working towards and that advice is proving to be sound. 

I feel like everything I've laid out is carrying me forward in some way or another.  Nothing is sitting there untouched, even only a month in.  In previous years, there have been things that I've told myself "no worries, I have lots of time yet", but then several months in, they are still sitting there, untouched with no real desire to work on them.  This year, everything seems to be nicely progressing and I seem to have desire and motivation for all of it.  Which is very exciting to me.

I realize (and accept) that this may change at some point.  But I don't think I've yet had a start to a year like this one.  And that in itself, is providing a lot of motivation and drive.

Also, a quick shoutout to the Strides app I'm using.  It's proving to be quite versatile and has really been keeping me on track.

A 3 Step Approach

Teaching children can be tricky and is much different than teaching adults. Adults will more often have a longer attention span and can handle a bit more theory within the lesson. Adults have typically made the choice to be there and to learn, where as kids, on the other hand, are really only interested in having fun. So we either need to find a way to make the content fun or we hide the content inside the fun.

I have found some fairly consistent success with a certain approach that I’ve been utilizing for a while and I thought it might be worth sharing. This is definitely not the only approach, but hopefully it’s one you might be able to add to your repertoire. As I go through these steps, I will also share the example of a recent lesson where we worked on the roundhouse kick.

Part 1 - The Knowledge. Fun.
Part 2 - The Focus. Funner.
Part 3 - The Application. Funnest.

The Knowledge
This portion should come first and needs to be kept short. It can be used as a refresher for the older students, and/or as a brief introduction for the newer ones. You really only have their attention for maybe about 3-4 minutes here, max. Although this would be considered the “theory” portion of the lesson, it cannot just be talking, and needs to be balanced with doing. In fact, the doing should lead the lesson, not the talking. They also still need an opportunity within here to move and have some fun as well.

Roundhouse Example. We stayed set up as a full class with an instructor at the front. The Instructor immediately had them go into a bow stance (they did NOT start with talking) and had them do a few roundhouse reps. Then, while still in a bow stance, they started to refresh the class on the components of the roundhouse and took them through a few more reps in a “step-by-step” format, challenging their balance and having some laughs with it. They finished with the last few at full speed once again. This portion was kept short but active.

The Focus
This portion is a specific aspect that you want to work on and would also likely be the bulk of the lesson. So within the overall lesson, what will your main objective be for this particular class? Ideally, this is an activity where the student isn’t repeatedly TOLD what they should be working on, but rather is a fun game or challenge by which they will have no option BUT to work on said skill.

Roundhouse Example. We partnered the students up and had them find a dot along the ponywall. The first partner held the wall for stability while doing a roundhouse kick, up to and including the 3-point. While holding that 3-point, their partner then placed a bean bag on their ankle, from which point they were challenged to complete the kick (slowly) as many times as they could without dropping the bean bag. As far as the students were concerned, this was a “don’t drop the bean bag game”, which for them was a fun challenge. But in actual fact, they were working on their proper 3-point, their body alignment and hip strength.



The Application
This portion comes last and should be the most fun. We want to end the overall lesson on a really high note. This is also the students opportunity to apply what they were just working on and for the instructors to see how much of it potentially sunk in. I think of this section as “organized chaos” and should be fast paced with smiles and pink cheeks by the end. At this point in the lesson, I would be looking less to correct any of the students, and more just taking mental notes of what needs work the next time.

Roundhouse Example. We separated the students into groups lined up towards the heavy bags. They were challenged to run to the bag and then had to do 1 or more roundhouses at the direction of the instructor at that bag. The first round may have been a low roundhouse. The second, high then low. Third, high, low, high. And so on. The final round they got to do their best flying roundhouse.


By the end of this particular class, I was really impressed by how their technique was looking in the Application portion. Everyone was pivoting and getting that proper body alignment that they had gotten used to along the wall, and many were implementing really good 3-points as well, especially when challenged with those different height kicks. And they were having a blast at the same time.

What truly made me realize that this approach had some benefits, was when Sihing N Csillag planned their next class on the side heel in the same format. It was essentially the same general setup, with different content, and the students didn’t even notice. At the same time, they were able to reiterate some of the similar skills between the roundhouse and the side heel (ie. the pivot and body positioning) and by the end of the second class we were seeing some really amazing progress. Sidenote: This is now making me take a good look at what lessons might work really well back to back.

When we discover a successful drill, our instinct tells us we need to replicate it exactly so that we get the same result. But what tends to happen is we will use it over and over to the point that it becomes old and boring, no longer having the same effect. Instead of copying the drill itself, I’m trying to figure out what made that drill successful and then replicate the approach. I think if we can figure out how to do that, the potential for successful drills, and successful classes, become endless.

FWAAAAAAP!!!

I was feeling really poorly a couple weeks ago about my side heel. Really poor. It had been building up little by little until it eventually broke me.  And so I finally just bit the bullet and blogged about it. Sometimes I feel a bit silly blogging about things like that because it can come off as just a bunch of complaining or a "poor me" attitude.  But I feel like the first step for me in solving something is to literally just say it out loud and get it off my chest. And when I finally acknowledged it, I immediately felt a certain amount of relief and a sense of determination to finally move forward, rather than continuing to skirt the issue and pretend all was well.  Once I said it out loud, publicly, I had nowhere to hide.

Although this "simple" step brought an immediate sense of relief, there was ovbiously still more to do.  Sometimes we fail to take any actual steps to move forward, changing nothing, and we often just end up back in the dumps.  Surprisingly, I often find that it really doesn’t take a whole lot to turn things around.  But there needs to be some sort of plan.  Any plan really.  The plan phase is organic and can change and evolve.  So really, to start, anything is better than nothing.  What was important here was not to lose the momentum that was initiated with the acknowledgment.  If I let too much time pass, I'd end up back under that glass rock.  So I made a commitment to myself to simply work more consistently on my side heel by, at minimum, doing at least 25 reps per leg every day.  I know that doesn't seem like much...and it's not really.  But I thought that maybe this would at least develop some daily consistent attention to this kick AND provide the potential to expand and go deeper if the opportunity arose.  So for all intents and purposes, I just wanted to make a simple plan that would promote consistency and sustainability.  

As I was doing these reps one morning, I was offered some advice to just speed up.  I was told that all the pieces and parts are there, I just needed to connect them and the only way I'd be able to do that would be with speed.  So I did.  And all I can say is "holy crap".  It feels like it went from,

"Okay, crane, then pivot, thrust out, don't forget foot position, woah, watch your balance, pivot back, don't forget the crane, careful now, okay back to bow stance, good, reset, get ready for the next, and..."

to

"Okay, SIDE HEEL, BAM!"

I’ve been so timid of my side heel that I thought the best approach was to take it slow and be really meticulous.  Keep things simple and broken down.  But in actuality, that wasn’t keeping it simple at all. Quite the opposite actually.  I was overcomplicating it by continuing to (slowly) analyze each step.  And I don't mean that all the work I've done up until this point has been for naught.  Not at all.  There’s definitely value in doing things slowly. Obviously to start with we have to in order to figure out all the bits and pieces involved.  But eventually you hit a plateau continuing to use that same approach.  And you have to add the next element.  For me, right now, that seems to be speed.  I think until you speed it up, everything is still slightly disconnected no matter how much you think you have it tied together. When you go slow, there is no way that your body can actually do all the components properly in sequence while getting that full range of motion, full muscle application, full extension, full expansion.  You have to kick with speed to make all of that stuff click and come together how it should.

It feels good to have something tangible to be working on that I believe is taking me to the next level with this kick.

But my story doesn't end there.  

With such a huge potential for progress with implementing speed into my side heel, I started thinking about my front thrust.  Although not a kick that I shied away from, I felt like I was still doing it the same old way.  Slow.  Meticulous.  Calculated.  SAFE.  And so I thought..."hmmm...I wonder what would happen if I applied this speed approach there as well."  And once again, "holy crap".  I took a video for "posterity's" sake.  The first comparison is of today and from 2021.  The second is from today and 2023 and is pretty much where it has stayed until now.  Yes, there is still lots to work on, and always will be (if I'm lucky).  But the element of speed is certainly taking things up a notch.  And yes, I know that I should also apply this to other kicks, the roundhouse for instance, but that's for another day.

But again, my story doesn't end there.

Taking this knowledge even further, I'm applying speed to my kicks in my forms.  I'm noticing that my kicks tend to get a bit "safe" in my forms.  I'm not sure why.  Perhaps because there is a lot more going on, a lot more to think about.  But I've decided to stop playing it safe and just go for it.  And I am loving that "fwaaap" sound that many others always seem to have.  It's not very loud...but it's there!  And it's something that I've always wanted for myself but just never thought I would be capable of, yet here I am.

Exactly where I am supposed to be.

Project Kindness

First off, thank-you to Todai Bauer for putting "Project Kindness" together.  This was such a lovely idea and keepsake.

Secondly, thank-you to everyone for submitting their kind words.

This project was valuable to me in many ways.

As I read through the comments that others made about me, I found it interesting how many of them followed a common theme, many people even using alot of the same descriptors.  And it made me feel good to hear these things from several people.  They can't all be liars...😂.  But it was also somewhat curious how there were a few outlying comments.  Things that I don't really see in myself and so it was interesting to have some of those things pointed out as well.

Something else I found really interesting was that I could almost hear a specific voice in certain comments...as if I could hear the person speaking to me.  I think this might be due to becoming familiar with how people "talk" through their blogs.  When I felt I could hear a voice, it seemed to have an even greater impact.  And sure, I might have had the wrong voice, since they were all anonymous...but even so.

As I wrote my own comments for my fellow team-mates, some of them came very readily to me, while others I found more difficult.  It's easy to say nice things about people, generally speaking.  Especially about the people in this group.  But as I tried to really pinpoint something truly unique about each of them, I became very aware of which of my team-mates I had obviously created bonds with, and those that I need to get to know better.  Oddly enough, for certain people, this realization came as a bit of a surprise.  So above an beyond the original intent, this project has inspired me to try and make some deeper connections and to reach out more to my team mates.

Once again, thank-you Todai Bauer for organizing this initiative.

2 Minute Blog - Topic #1 - Superpowers

Whenever I think of superpowers I always think of that show Heros.  There were so many interesting powers that they had.  I mean, the obvious one would be the one where you absorb other powers.  But if I recall...you could only have one at a time.  So that's not as cool.  Lol.

I think the superpower I would choose would be healing.  A close second might be breathing under water.  Although I'm not sure I'd ever go deep in the ocean because it's dark and you never know what's lurking.  But still, I think

Times up!

A Revisit to My Achilles Heel

We talked about this quite a bit in class tonight, but I need to recap and also add some of my more personal thoughts...frustrating as they might be.

So I looked back, and I have no less than 45 blogs (since I started blogging in July of 2020) that are about the side heel.  Most are about my struggle with this kick.  The odd one is about how I think I might have figured something out.  But then it typically reverts back to a struggle.  In any event, the side heel has, historically, been a big challenge within my kung fu. In fact, the very second blog I ever wrote was titled "My Achilles Heel" and was about...you got it...the side heel.

I still don't feel confident or competent with my side heel.  I think, at most, I have the pieces lined up.  I know what I'm supposed to do.  But I still haven't yet been able to connect it all.  And I think that sounds pretty sad at a brown belt level.  There are times where I think I might be getting close, usually when just throwing them in the air...but then you put a target in front of me, and everything I thought I knew, or had figured out, changes.  Everything is just slightly off.  I can't feel that release of energy....or that nice full extension.  I always feel jammed.  Technique seems to have disappeared.  Just all in all really poor.  

And what's more frustrating, is that my partner, or an instructor, will say..."that one looked good"...or..."that one felt strong (on impact)"....or.."yup that was a good one"....but to me....none of them "feel" that way.  They all feel disconnected....choppy...weak...soft....incomplete.  And because I can't seem to determine which ones are good...I also can't seem to develop a baseline to work with or something to aim for.  And I've been feeling stuck here for quite some time....bascially since that very first blog.

"See Ya"

Although the road to the banquet is tremendously busy, frantic, tiring and demanding...as is the day OF....the day AFTER (or even at home that same night to be honest) always sends me into an immediate feeling of sadness, longing and nostalgia.  And to be quite honest...I feel a little lost and alone.  It seems funny, I know.  But there is this crazy sense of purpose...along with this intense team atmosphere in the last couple months of the year...everyone working together towards this huge goal.  And then...Poof...everyone goes their separate ways..on to new things.  Okay, okay...I know it's not that dramatic....but I have big feelings sometimes.

In fact...this clip here pretty much sums it up.  And I'm Elaine.  Lol.

I know it's silly.  I'll basically see you all again tomorrow.  And we carry on essentially the same as we have been.  But that feeling remains for a time, nonetheless.

Having said that, the night itself was amazing.  I am tremendously proud of my partner and I.  For one, her Student of the Year Award.  Well deserved for so many reasons.  And I'm not too proud to ride her coat-tails a bit.  Then there was the finale of our fan form.  Did I have some bloops?  Yes.  Unfortunately, my fan got stuck on me during our nunchucks.  Boooo.  So I had to abort the last one.  Then I had to adjust the catch a bit...and it caused a bit of a blurp in my steps following.  It was a bit humorous though.  It's funny how your mind works so fast in the moment.  I remember thinking "Hmmmmm....I don't think this is the right stance I'm supposed to be in for this particular move....hmmm...so that means, in order not to screw up the next bit, I have to STAY in this stance for this next fan opening.  Yup...okay...this is right now....Aaaaaaand...carry on".  But seriously...I truly remember those thoughts...even the Hmmmmmmms.  Yet when I watch the video, it's incredible to know that this internal dialogue occurred in about a half a second.  AND we didn't drop it...and that was the biggest win of all....lol.

Then there are my own students.  I always make a point of going around the room to chat with all of them.  I want to make sure they are happy and excited and that they belong. I try to alleviate any nervousness.  It's not easy getting up in front of a crowd.  It's not easy as adults!  And so I just think these kids are so brave and amazing every single time they put themselves out there like that.  And I'm so very proud of them for this huge accomplishment.  And my hope is that when they are in the IHC, it will be a non-issue.

The lion and dragon dance was spectacular as well.  Everyone did a fantastic job.  As a mom, I'm crazy proud of Emma.  As an Instructor, again, I'm so proud of my students.  And as a team member, I'm in awe of the rest of the team.  AND we pulled off the drumming.  Lol.  I'm not sure if anyone, aside from my drumming counterpart, truly understands the difficulty with all the different patterns...going in and out...drumming against the other drum....etc, etc.  I recall, when getting back into a typical 3-star, after maintaining the 3 1/2 for quite some time, my brain was on overdrive convincing my hands not to go back...while also telling my ears not to listen to the thunder drumming across the way because it's easy to get pulled into that other rhythm as well.  My arms feel kinda weak and jelly-ish today...as does my brain. Can't seem to pinpoint why....lol....Although on a serious note, I'd never get any better without Sihing Lindstrom pushing us to the brink of sanity.  Now we know we can and I can't wait to see what's in store for next year.

So yeah.  All in all...a pretty amazing night.  No wonder the nostalgia hits so quick.

Ps.  A big, giant, huge thank-you to Sihing Sharida Csillag for recognizing my distress call during the eye-dotting ceremony.  Not sure if anyone else noticed...hopefully not....but I started off with a "cheater" technique.  I did it last year and it was super easy to maintain, while also giving me a free hand to hold the dampening mat on the drum.  I don't know if it's that I am now just accustomed to long durations of thunder drumming, but the "easy" way was making my arm and wrist burn and I couldn't maintain it!  So I switched to regular.  BUT then I could no longer hold the mat and so it started to slide.  I attempted to hold it with one leg sort of against the drum.  But then it just started to slide more the other way.  So I attempted to hold it with both legs and ended up in this weird position where I was kinda standing like a hockey goalie.  Omg.  I wanted to burst out laughing.  I didn't know what to do!!!  Thank goodness I was able to catch Sihing's eye and "talk" to her with eye and head movements.....while desperately trying to maintain the thunder drumming.  Thank goodness she came to save me.  Hahaha.  This was one of the funniest moments of the night that I just had to share.  

The Spear

Here are some tidbits about the spear that I think are interesting.  Some you might know, but maybe you'll learn something new!

• Primarily used for thrusting and jabbing while also very useful for blocking.
• Used both in war and hunting.
• Main advantage is reach and having the ability to remain a safe distance from your opponent during combat.
• Most have a tassel at the base of the blade.  I already knew that a function of this tassel was to blur the opponent's vision and distract...but I did not know that it is also intended to stop blood from running down the shaft and making it slippery or sticky.  Ew.
• The lengths can vary from about 8ft to 20ft.
• Under 8ft are commonly referred to as "spiked staffs".  From 8-13ft are known as "short spears".  And over 13ft as "long spears".
• Spears used for war were made of hardwood.  Wushu spears are typically made of wax wood, making them more lighter and flexible, and thus suitable for performance.  These performance spears are sometimes called "flower spears".
• Chimpanzees have been known to make and use spears as well!!!
• Known as "the King of Weapons" in Chinese culture.

Let me know if you learned anything you didn't already know!

Knock-Knock

Tuesday training brought some major challenges for my partner and I.  We experienced 3 major fan failures...in the span of about an hour.  This inspired some discussion about what we would do, if this were to happen during a performance.  First and foremost, inspecting our weapons is a must.  But even when regularly inspected, there is still a possibility of failure.  We had already put into place some caveats in case it is dropped in some of our more "high risk" moves.  But we realized that any spot where we open and close the fan is a potential spot for it to fail structurally.  Those openings have a lot of force behind them.  And in fact...the spots where things are most likely to go awry, are those that you are unprepared for.  Murphy's Law.  So we decided to experiment....and went through our form in full with no fans at all.  

It was quite a fun and interesting experiment that I think will serve us well.  We were able to adapt the fan movements to include many different strikes and blocks, without sacrificing how we move or interact with each other.  It was actually quite easy...which showed us just how many possible scenarios there could be in a single technique within a form, simply by adjusting your intent a little.

I really can't imagine how we can be any more prepared than we are (knock on wood...lol).

Just Let Go

As we near the banquet, I'm trying to refocus more towards enjoying the ride rather than trying to fix anything more.  My first year in the I Ho Chuan, I found the final month quite stressful.  With each practice there were more and more things that I noticed....and more and more things that I was panicked about correcting.  The actual night went by in such a blur, that I felt sad at the end that I hadn't really soaked it all in.  I eventually realized that at some point you need to just let go and trust that all the hard work over the course of the year will pay off.

Amicable Accountability

Many of my requirements and goals didn't make it too far off the ground this year, but there was one focus from which I achieved results and benefits far beyond what I ever anticipated.  It has advanced my Kung Fu in so many ways, some of which I have only scratched the surface.

So why?  What made this one thing different from the others?  Why did I feel so invested in it over anything else?  How did I stay motivated in a consistent way?  How did it stay exciting and inspiring to me throughout the whole year?

The answer is Accountability.

Although we are part of a team, we are still working as individuals.  Yes, the team is counting on us to fulfill our obligations...they are offering support and encouragement...ideas and recommendations for success...BUT the individual is still responsible for taking the steps and actually doing the work.  And if the individual chooses not to do the work, the individual suffers.  Sure, the team may be disappointed but technically speaking, the individual's failure doesn't directly cause anyone else to fail.  Me not doing my form reps doesn't make Sihing Burke's form terrible...or me not doing my pushups doesn't give Todai Bauer wimpy arms.  As examples...lol.

By choosing to work as partners on the Fan, we created real and direct accountability.  

We relied on each other to show up.  We relied on each other to practice.  We relied on each other to be prepared and ready.  We relied on each other to push, inspire and motivate.  We brainstormed ideas and provided lots of feedback...all specific and applicable because we were in it together.  We forced each other to truly make an effort...not allowing an easy quit.  We had to fight for any change...pleading our case and offering alternatives.  Everything we did, directly impacted someone else.  Simply "not wanting to" wasn't good enough.  We worked hard when training together, and just as hard when we were on our own, not wanting to let each other down.

I had someone relying on me.  If I failed, it wouldn't just be me...but I would also be causing my partner to fail.  And that was never an option.  Even if I had wanted to quit or give up...even just for a bit...I couldn't have.  

If you can create this kind of amicable accountability, you really can't fail.

Balance

I really took advantage of this time off.  Sometimes when I have flexible time, I can spread myself out too thin.  I feel this sense of obligation to use the "extra" time for things that "need" to get done.  And I can feel that sense of obligation pulling me all different ways.  What typically happens is that I don't really get anything accomplished in full.

This year, I mindfully chose to focus on family and friends.  I not only made them A priority, I made them THE priority.  I chose morning coffee with my mom over morning training.  I chose afternoon games with the kids over house obligations.  My relationships with those around me were my priority.  If they wanted to spend their time with me, I said yes, even if that meant postponing something else.

As Shing Ward said (and I really liked this expression) this holiday season was filled with Mindful Mediocrity.  I've said before that I think we often ONLY view mediocrity as a bad thing.  And I don't think it is, necessarily.  If you acknowledge and accept its presence...If you are making the decisions consciously...then the mediocrity is a choice.  And when it's a mindful choice, it sort of takes the sting out of it and it can actually have some benefit.  

Balance. There needs to be a balance.  And I used these last 2 weeks to balance some things out.  I actually feel like I'm getting better at balance and recognizing when it needs to be restored....regardless of which way it might be out of whack.