I stepped back from everything about a month ago when he turned down, yet another suitable housing option. Every option seems to have something not quite right with it, as far as he's concerned. Realistically, he's grasping at anything he can to use as an excuse not to leave where he is...even though he's being asked to go, and will eventually just be kicked out.
And I couldn't do it anymore. I had to step away.
But recently, I have found out that he has found an apartment. Great, right? Unfortunately, no.
This place checks off absolutely none of his needs. It boggles my mind that THIS is the one he's going with. And what's worse is that it is in the absolute worst part of the city. The highest rates of crime, homelessness, addiction, etc. It's almost as if he wants to isolate himself from his family altogether. I've told him I wouldn't feel safe bringing the kids to this area of town and that I'd be hesitant to go there myself. But that doesn't seem to bother him.
I tell myself I have to be okay with his choices, but I'm not. And I'm really not sure where this is all going to lead. He's my dad, and so I feel an obligation as his family to try and stay connected and to help if I can. But to be very honest, I also feel like he's not even a person I want to be around or be associated with. And I feel a tremendous amount of guilt thinking these things. I have to constantly remind myself to practice empathy, kindness and gratitude. And without that, I would likely have severed ties long ago.
Having said that, and on probably the only positive note in any of this, my sister and I have talked and connected more over the last 3 months than we have in the last 5 years. It started just about our dad, but has since grown into more. And for that I am grateful.
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