An Honest Perspective

I blogged a while ago about keeping perspective with my progress.  I emphasized my discovery of the importance of honestly and accurately comparing one day to the next and celebrating even the small improvements.

I have discovered recently the importance of this in order to also see why I am not improving or what I'm not doing.

About 5 weeks ago I decided to develop a written schedule for my weekly training.  On any given day I have sets and reps of various things from forms to techniques to combinations to strength training.  Prior to having this written version, I just kept this schedule in my head.  I thought I was being fairly diligent....check that...I would have insisted I was being diligent.  To my credit, with some things I was.  Usually because they were always the first things on the list...or maybe because they were the things I liked doing the most.  Either way, these things weren't the ones coming into question because I could recognize the improvement.  But guess what....there were some things on my "mental" schedule that I had convinced myself I was being consistent with....but I really wasn't.  There were some things that I was consistently not getting to, as planned.  Most likely because they were the things that I didn't like as much and were at the end of my "mental" list.  I would tell myself I'd make up for them later in the day....then would forget....and then forget altogether that I had missed them.  But my perspective was that because I intended to do these things every day....that I was doing them every day.  That simply wasn't true.  And without officially tracking this in some way, my perspective was way off.

Once I had a written schedule where I would actually check things off, it was a real wake-up call with how skewed my perspective had become.

A great example is my horse stance.  My "mental" schedule was that I was doing a 1-2 minute hold every other day.  My written schedule clearly indicates that I am only doing this once a week!  So no wonder my stamina with Horse Stance isn't improving.  Even though a few weeks ago, had anyone asked, I would have insisted I was practicing regularly.  Again, because I intended to do this regularly...and because I wasn't actually logging anything to refer back to....my perspective was that I was doing this regularly.  

Keeping an honest perspective also applies to how I am doing something.  Even if I were practicing regularly, if I'm being lazy with my effort or if I'm not using proper form (to the best of my ability at my current level), then I can't really claim diligence with my training, can I?  Consistency with form or technique can easily be seen by taking a video or using an indicator like bean bags, in the case of horse stance.  With some sort of visual indicator, I can see if my practice is mindful and if the quality is there.

If there truly is consistent practice and it's of good quality, there will always be improvement.  Always.  So if there actually has been no improvement (and please remember my original blog about acknowledging even the smallest success!)....the answer isn't likely that I’m some sort of anomaly.  I’m probably not the one and only single person in the entire universe that tries everything with total diligence and consistency, yet still sees no improvement.  The more likely answer is that I’m not being completely honest with myself about the effort and consistency I’ve actually applied.

Moving forward, I've decided to take this a step further and actually start logging numbers and reps.  If I ever question the lack of improvement in something, I want to have a quick, and accurate, reference to see what sort of effort I've been putting in and if an expectation of improvement is even warranted.

To be clear, this isn’t about making myself feel badly about missing things or getting a bit behind.  Stuff happens. Injuries....illness....the unexpected.  But what I do want to avoid is getting frustrated or upset about not seeing improvement where I really shouldn’t expect any. It’s about being honest with myself...and with my instructors for that matter.   They can’t help me either if they don’t know the whole story.  

If I can't keep an honest perspective, I'm missing a huge factor in being able to succeed.

Break-A-Thon 2020

I had a blast at the Break-A-Thon this year.  I participated last year, but I had literally just started Kung Fu and had no idea what I was doing.  And I recall being told NOT to use my full fist.  At the time I thought this was a general rule for everyone.  This year, I realize that, being so green, they just didn't want to see me break my hand.  Lol.  

Last year I also stuck to palm heel and front thrust kicks.  Basically because it was all I knew.

This year I had several more techniques I was able to choose from.  And although I'm not proficient at most of them, I decided to just go for it.  I tend to do better (with pretty much anything) when I'm just having a good time.  Sifu Vantuil was leading my group, and eventually, after exhausting most of my options, I said, "Well ok...I guess I'll try a Spinning Back Kick...but it won't be pretty!".  Her response was, "It doesn't have to be pretty."  And it was one of those things that someone says to you that just sticks.  So no...it probably wasn't pretty....but I still broke that board.  I can always work on "pretty" later.

My list of breaks from this year,

1. Palm heel
2. Thrust punch
3. Hammer fist
4. Elbow
5. Front thrust kick
6. X-step with back kick
7. Side heel kick (broke on second attempt)
8. Roundhouse
9. Spinning back kick (broke on second attempt....first attempt was quite comical....my distance was way off and all I got was air..Lol....I wish I had gotten a video of this one!)
10. *and for the life of me I can't remember one of my breaks.  Although  I suppose there is a chance that I only did 9. 😬 I had to take a "First Aid" break to get a bandaid after scraping my hand on the teeth of the board.  I thought I caught back up with the rotation of the group...but maybe not!!  Ssssssshhhhhhh....don't tell Sifu Rybak.  😉

My Biggest...My Only, Real Fear

Kung Fu has given me strength in many different ways.  Since delving into Buddhism and the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, I think it may be time to start tackling some of the fears that hold me back. 

Since having kids I have developed some very unhealthy, debilitating fear around the topic of death.  I'm not scared of dying.  I'm not scared of the actual moment of death.  I'm not scared of pain.  My main fear of "death" stems from no longer being connected to the people I love in the way we are able to connect as human beings.

I believe the Buddhist ideals of "no birth" and "no death".  I believe that what we see as birth and death are just manifestations from one form to another.  Prior to "birth" we existed...just in a different form.  After "death" we will still exist...just in a different form.  This makes sense to me.  

What I struggle with is the loss of everything that comes with being in this human form.  Talking.  Laughing.  Touching.  Holding.  Those things will no longer be.  And the biggest loss that truly causes me anxiety is the Memory.  Not remembering my kids.  Not remembering my loved ones.  Not remembering all the beautiful experiences I've had in this life.  That's what sends me into a panic....literally.  In the life I am leading right now, I certainly don't have any memories before my birth.  So I have no expectations of taking these memories with me when I leave this life.  And this is what I struggle with.  This is what causes me fear and panic.

Where will my memories go?  I want to keep them always.  And I cannot.  That is my fear.

Take Care of Yourself First

I believe that the needs of the individual are just as important as the needs of those they support and care for...if not MORE so.  Now there may be extreme circumstances on occasion that will require sacrifice.....but generally speaking, if you don't take care of yourself first, you cannot (at least successfully or long term) take care of others.   In fact, I have actually found the opposite to be true.  If I'm not taking care of myself, I have very little to give to others...AND it's of very poor quality.  Alternatively, when I've taken care of myself first, I typically have MUCH more to offer in many aspects of life, even extending beyond my immediate family and friends.

Take care of yourself first and everyone around you will benefit.

Padding

I challenged myself a while ago to do 137 push-ups and 137 sit-ups a day for a week.  This is the daily average an I Ho Chuan team member needs to hit to make the 50,000 yearly goal.  I was curious to see if I could do it and wanted to experience just a small taste of one of the challenges they accept for the year. Since then I decided to continue with daily push-ups and sit-ups and set my daily target at 100 of each.  This has gone really well so far and I'm seeing changes in my muscles for sure.  Both definition and strength.  It's still hard though.  That was 13 weeks ago and I still have to force myself to do them each morning.  Will it get easier?  Will I eventually be able to just pump them out without much thought?  I'm not sure.  I can understand how this might become increasingly difficult throughout the year.  Miss one day due to injury, and now you need to make up 137 of each. Miss a few days and it starts to really snowball.

Probably best to pad the numbers for a rainy day.

Why Am I Doing This?

Why am I doing this?  It's hard to put into words.  Kung Fu, both the physical and spiritual aspects, fit me.  My life.  My ideals.  My values.  My beliefs.  Almost like it has always been a part of me from the beginning, but I didn't know it was there... sitting dormant, waiting to be found.

Is it all easy?  Does it all come natural?  Of course not.  Almost none of it in fact.  The challenge, the struggle, is part of why it's so incredible.  And why the successes are all that more extraordinary.

If I knew today that I would never wear a black belt, would I still be doing this?   If I knew today that I would never wear anything other than my white belt, would I still be doing this?

Absolutely.

If my answer ever changes, and I get lost, I hope my blogs will serve as a beacon to find my way back. 

Now We're Kung-Fu'ing Baby!!

Today I performed an absolutely legit, perfect front thrust kick.  Big deal???  Darn rights it was a big deal!!

Kick after kick after kick...I have never felt this perfect combination of balance, alignment, energy, power and form when doing this kick.  EVER.  I swear I could feel the 6 harmonies in that exact moment.  I had to actually stop, take it in and smile.  It was awesome.

Was it a fluke?  Maybe.  But maybe not.  This is why we train, isn't it?  This is why we do the repetitions.  So that eventually everything we've learned, everything we've practiced finally comes together just right.

And BAM...we're doing Kung Fu.

Frustrated

Feeling increasingly frustrated.

I know what I'm supposed to be doing with my side heel.  I understand the mechanics.  At least I'm pretty confident I do.  But I can't seem to engage everything without losing my balance.  I'm not solid.  I feel disconnected from the ground.  It's embarrassing and I absolutely hate having to do this kick in class in front of everyone.  Nobody else seems to have this issue.  I don't get it.  I work on this every...single...day.   I've hit a wall and don't really know what to do.  It's probably time for another progress video.  Fingers crossed somethings gotten better.