Oops I Did It Again...

Hurt.  Again.  From the same mistake.  😖

I think that my main problem is that as an adult I've lost some of my confidence in my body.  

As a child I was fearless.  I trusted my body.  I trusted my movements.  I would jump...roll...twist...spin...fall....with complete faith that my body knew how to move properly so I could achieve these things without getting hurt.  Why would my own body betray me??  Of course it wouldn't.

As an adult....I now have fear.  I've lost that trust.  Most likely because over the years I've been injured and have experienced the pain, followed by the inconvenience of recovery.  Or because as I get older smaller things seem to trigger these injuries....like how putting on socks might throw out my back.  I now second guess and overthink.  I often become too methodical in what I am trying to achieve.  Yes it's okay if I want to break down the movements and figure it out.  Yes it's important to understand what to do in order to perform any technique safely.

But for f#@$ sakes Malinda...once you've engaged don't try and change course half-way!!!!

I Missed a Class...and I Didn't Like It

I missed my first class yesterday since starting Kung Fu.  I still attended online, so I guess I didn't technically miss it, but it's just not the same.  Having said that I'm still super thankful it was an option!  

Although disappointed, I decided to approach it as an opportunity to observe my fellow classmates, as well as the instructors, from a different perspective.  By looking in, I definitely picked up some things that I'll be working on going forward.  In class, our main focus is on ourselves.  We rarely have the opportunity to watch others.  By watching others, I was able to pick up on some things I'm not doing, as well as some things I am doing, but probably shouldn't be.  I also made some connections with certain techniques that I hadn't realized before.

Something else that I don't often notice at the time, is how many Sifus we have on the mats and how often they are spending personal time with each of us.  It was constant!  Never were they not present and engaged with us.  At any given time someone was getting some specific feedback.  It was really cool to see from a bird's eye view and is just further proof of how unique Silent River Kung Fu is, how deeply they care for their students and how much they want us to succeed.  It makes me want to work even harder when I know I have such an awesome team in my corner.

Being at the Kwoon is a key factor for success...in my opinion.  It pained me not be there, and I definitely felt a disconnect.  If you can physically get there, get there....even if you might not be able to participate fully.  There are a bunch of things at the Kwoon that are a big part of being successful.  The personal attention and feedback...the comradery...the atmosphere....the energy....the symbols of our history and lineage...the essence of those that came before us...just to name a few.  But if you can't physically get there, there is zero reason not to at least observe online.  Still a huge amount of value there if you use the opportunity in a positive way.

Efficiency

I've been feeling like I need to get more organized with my training.  I am consistent with making sure I train every day, but the quality can sometimes be lacking.  Right now I tend to just practice what comes to mind at the time.  There are only a couple things I make sure to do each day but otherwise it's a bit of a "free for all".  Essentially I just do what I feel like doing at the given moment.  This is often based on what we've done in class or what has come up in my 1-on-1's....which is okay in terms of content....but when I train this way, I am fairly certain I waste much of my time deciding what to work on next from moment to moment.  Too much thinking, less actual doing.  Then by the time I know it, my hour is up and it's time to get the kids to school and myself to work.  I'm also quite certain that I am missing some very key aspects that I simply don't think about on the spot.  If I can make my training time more efficient, I think I would see better results.

I decided to make myself a weekly schedule in an effort to have a more well-rounded training regime.  I'm trying not to "over shoot" because I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I also want it to be challenging.  I want to feel like I've really worked hard for that hour.  It's also completely up in the air as to whether what I've got planned will fit in my hour....so we'll see!  But this should give me a good basis to start with and I will adjust and update as I go forward.

I'm attaching my schedule here for reference.  Any feedback is much appreciated....especially if there's anything vital that I've overlooked.  I'm always open to suggestions!!

I'm Here Now

I am getting very close to have been practicing Kung Fu for a full year.  I started November 4 of 2019.  Just after my 40th birthday.

It feels like I've been doing this much longer.  In a good way!  I feel like I was missing a really important part of myself....and I've finally found it.

But I also often feel this immense pressure to make up for lost time.  I sometimes feel regret that I've only just begun this journey and am sad that I didn't start long ago.  I don't like regret.  It's a pointless feeling to have and serves no purpose but to distract and make you question yourself....at least in this particular case.  I need to remind myself that I can't change the past.  In fact...if I dig deeply enough.....I might see that if I hadn't made the choices and taken the path that I did...I may not have found Kung Fu until even later.....or perhaps not at all.  

So I suppose I should just let go of any regret and be thankful I'm here now.

Hugging Meditation

I have started reading and listening to the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh.  I feel like this is going to be a very integral part of my Kung Fu journey.  So many things have resonated with me already.  One thing he talks about is “hugging meditation” and this particular topic brought me to tears.

I don’t see my mom often. She is very important to me, but we live far apart.  I miss her presence very much.  Twice, maybe 3 times a year we see her.   She is the one that taught me to “talk to the universe”.  She has always been so gentle and patient, kind and accepting. When we visit, she insists on a hug upon arrival. Then before bed. Then in the morning. Then before bed. And so on.  I will tease her about it.  Pretend to pull away. Joke.....When what she needs is for me to just hug her.  To feel that connection with her daughter.  And really, I need that too.  There is nothing like the bond between parent and child.  As I face new challenges with my own kids, I realize how hard it must have been for her and the suffering she must have experienced.  I never appreciated my mom as much as when I became one myself.  I couldn’t imagine being so far away and feeling like I wasn't a real part of their lives.  If it were me, the only thing I would want to do when with them would be to hold them...to connect...every chance I got.  Nobody knows how many chances we will each have in a lifetime.  Practicing hugging meditation is a means to connect with someone in a very real way.  Or perhaps it's more accurate to say it's a means to acknowledge and feel the connection that is always there...but it gets pushed aside during life's many distractions.  We are always connected...we just rarely take the time to enjoy it.

The next time I hug my mom, I will be present for it.

That Doesn't Sound Like You

My family and I were driving home from camping a few weekends ago.  It was a Monday.  I had planned it so I would be home with plenty of time to get to Tai Chi and then class after that.  But I was tired...and feeling lazy after a few days without training.  And I said "I think I'll just join my classes online tonight."  Dan turned to me and said "That doesn't sound like you."  And that was it.  Just those few words.  But I replied instantly with "You're right.  It doesn't.  Nevermind."  And I went to both classes as planned.

This wasn't the first time, and likely won't be the last, that he's said those same words....

"That doesn't sound like you."  

So simple, yet they always have a huge effect every time I hear them.  I will even say them to myself, which sounds silly....but it works whenever I find myself looking for an excuse to not do something.  Just a few words that keep me from falling off track and losing myself.  My own little mantra.  Lol.

My Own Way

At my last one-on-one I asked for some feedback on my Lao Gar form.  One of the areas we discussed was the Tiger Claw sequence in part 3. 

Over the past couple of days I've practiced this sequence, trying to "figure it out".  Eventually I noticed a difference from one attempt to the next.  Every once in a while, it would just feel more powerful.  Once this happened a few times (by chance) I was able to re-create it more and more at will and I could really feel the difference in energy and power.  I would almost describe it as having a vibrating sensation.  It was as if this energy was ramping up, getting ready to be used.  In these moments I became very aware of my own body and self.  I also recognized that my movements weren't 100% exactly how they had been demo'd for me....but it felt "right" for me.  The energy and power that came with it was proof enough of that.  I think I understand, somewhat better at least, why we often get the answer "it depends on the person" when we ask questions.  I always assumed this answer was just about our external physical capabilities (ie. current injuries, flexibility, muscle power, etc).  But now I realize there's an internal component here as well.  We are shown examples or versions of the basic mechanics to get us going....to get us started.  But you can't really be shown how to use and tap into your internal abilities.

It's up to us to listen more closely and carefully to our own bodies and energy...to pay better attention.  By doing so, we will eventually make that perfect connection between external and internal and, ultimately, discover our own way.

**EDITED

I had included a quote at the end of this blog entry.

"Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own." - Bruce Lee

After some discussion with Sifu Brinker, I have learned that this quote is often taken out of context.  Although I'm sure it wasn't Bruce Lee's intent, it has become somewhat of a "guideline" for martial artists to disregard and ignore teachings simply because they do not like them, understand them or find them too hard to implement.  This was not my purpose when using this quote, but I can understand it's negative connotation.  Words are powerful.  And they can be interpreted in different ways.

*Side note...I have also discovered there are a couple different versions of this quote.  I'm not sure which would be the original.