This Is Where I Am

Not to beat a dead horse, but my spinning back kick still sucks. Suuuuuuuucks.

For about a month now, I've been working on it daily. There are spots on my feet that have split and my knees have been hurting from all the spinning. But other than that, you'd never know that I was putting in any effort at all.

It's funny. For a long time I struggled with my side heel and I found the spinning back kick much easier. In fact, 4 months ago I was feeling really good about my spinning back kick. I felt it was becoming one of my stronger kicks. And now, when I've finally made some improvement on the side heel, my spinning back kick has fallen apart. Literally fallen apart. I suddenly cannot seem to connect all the moving parts. It is atrocious and it seems to continuously get worse, not better. And it is confusing how this has come to be.

In our recent IHC meeting, it was said that sometimes improvement doesn't quite match our efforts. Meaning there will be times that, even though we are putting in a tremendous amount of effort, we just don't see the results we would hope for. And it can be debilitating mentally. It can make you feel like a failure, a hack. It can make you question why you bother to put in any effort at all. This is where I am right now.

And so I recognize that I can't keep doing the same thing, hoping for different results. I need to change my approach somehow. I'd like to come up with some sort of "milestone" goal. I can't just keep throwing kick after flailing kick hoping that it will just suddenly come together. Maybe it would eventually work...but mentally, I doubt I will last much longer. I know that I still need to just get in reps, which I will continue with as well, but I'd also like to maybe re-focus some of my efforts on just one part of it. But what would be the first step? Mastering the spin? Spinning and getting into that crane with balance and control? Or maybe even just spinning and making visual contact with my eyes to start? And maybe bring my kick down low for now? Or maybe even a simpler focus on keeping that base leg bent or arms in control? Don't come out of my center? I'm not quite sure. I'm feeling disoriented and am not sure where to start because it all seems like such a muck mess. Truly I need to work on all of it. And it seems like all of these moving parts are so connected that it's impossible to just focus on one thing. I'm feeling disheartened because it's as if I'm starting from scratch again. And it's embarrassing that I seem to have to. But nonetheless, here I am. Now where do I go from here?

What To Do

There are a couple techniques in my IHC form that I am still struggling with.  As I continue to advance and improve my form, these particular sections have seen no, or very little, improvement, to the point that they don't seem to fit anymore.  They have become weak spots.  And this far into the year, I feel like my form should be fairly solid.  And it's not.

I knew, when I developed this form, that this could possibly happen.  When I invited the team to submit their favorite sequence of techniques, every single person was at a much more advanced level than I.  So I knew there would potentially be techniques that would be more difficult for me.  So perhaps I just don't have the skill (or strength or flexibility) yet to perform these at a satisfactory level.  

When I put my form on display, I want to be proud and confident in what I'm doing. So on one hand I am tempted to modify these sections to suit me better.  

On the other, I don't want to simply give up because it's hard.

The Journal of Universal Rejection

I read Seth Godin’s recent blog about “The last 1%” today.  More or less, he talked about a publication called “The Journal of Universal Rejection”.  This is a journal that promises to reject any and all submissions.  It’s absurd, yes.  But he goes on to explain that the point is that a writer need not worry or stress or become fixated on the outcome (they already know it will be rejected with 100% certainty), and instead they can just focus on the work itself. 

Now I’m not actually sure if this is a real thing.  But the message struck a cord with me.

As I mentioned recently, I had fallen into a motivational trap where I was only focusing on my numbers…on reaching that end goal.  The numbers were driving everything and I was slowly becoming resentful of the requirements.  Then, in a “wise old master” kind of way, Sifu Rybak upped my goal.  By a significant amount.  An amount that is, in my opinion, somewhat absurd considering we are more than halfway through the year.  The strange part is that since then, my perspective seems to have shifted.  Not only am I still recording good numbers, but I’m also somehow finding ways to work on some of the extras that I had felt the requirements were getting in the way of.  And honestly, it doesn’t seem like I’ve made any drastic changes…I truly haven’t.  Instead it seems to simply be a slight mental shift.

Even as of this morning, I hadn’t really figured out why or how.  But when I read that blog today, I wondered if there might be a correlation here.  My new 60,000 goal is just so absurd (to me anyways) that it may have possibly severed my fixation on the end number.  As a result, my focus has shifted back to the work itself, which is exactly where it belongs.  To be clear, the numbers still play an important role. They still need to be tracked to monitor and assess progress, or lack there of.  And they still help to set a basis for consistent action.  But they are an instrument to aid in success...and should not be confused with success itself.

The final outcome doesn't need my attention...the work I'm doing today to get there does.

Back To Basics

The one requirement for which I continue to let my numbers slide little by little is sparring.  Although I've had a couple opportunities to work on this at open training, I still have very little experience.  And I'm sure I've mentioned previously that I can't really seem to get myself hyped up to do this at home.

The biggest failure with my approach thus far is that...well...I don't have much of an approach at all.  I'll typically just say, "ok...I need to do some sparring"...and because I have no plan of any kind, it turns out to be pretty dull...the times drags...and I tend to do more thinking about what to do, then actual doing.  My motivation towards it continues to lessen and I really don't feel I'm getting much out of it.

I recently decided I needed to just come up with a plan and start making sparring a priority.  I've also decided to go "back to the basics" and start simple in order to generate some momentum.  I think part of my issue is I threw myself into an arena where I didn't really know what I was doing, or how to approach things...and found myself lost and confused.  And so I think the best thing for me is to start at the beginning and sort out the things I know versus the things I don't and build from there.

My "Beginner" Plan is as follows,

3-5 minutes of footwork....During this set I'm working on projection stepping, forward/back, side to side, diagonal movements and changing direction.  I'm not doing much with my hands here except keeping my guards up and keeping shoulders down and relaxed.

25 Jabs (left and right)...I'm remaining stationary for these, but relaxed and loose in a fighting stance.  I'm focusing on hip rotation, equal/opposite, keeping shoulder down, staying relaxed, resetting between, proper guard placement, overall timing and getting my upper/lower, left/right to work together.

25 Reverse (left and right)...same focus as above

25 Hooks (left and right)...same focus as above

25 Uppercut (left and right)...same focus as above

I'm going to continue with this daily for a couple of weeks.  At which point I will re-evaluate and then start to combine the footwork and striking together.  I will also eventually add back in the kicks and combinations as well as progress to visualization, bag work, etc.  But for now I will allow myself to progress little by little, slowly building both my physical skills and my confidence.

I like having a plan.

The Commas In Between

I was given some great feedback on the struggle I continue to face with my kicks.  

The observation was that I seem to be stuck between having developed the proper technique and making that leap to incorporate speed and power.

The four phases to technique mastery are 1) Form, 2) Speed/Power, 3) Accuracy, 4) Realism.

I've reached a point where my form is decent enough to start pushing further and moving to that next step.  In fact, I can feel that my body wants to be faster.  But when I do that, things immediately fall apart.  And instead of continuing to push, and just allowing things to fall off the rails for a time, I pull back to a safer place.  A place where I slow down and focus, once again, on form.  A place where I feel safe and comfortable.  And so I'm caught in this constant struggle of wanting to improve and get to the next phase, yet also wanting to play it safe.

It's taken me a long time to get to this place with my kicks.  And I'm not even at a place of confidence with them yet.  So it scares me to have it all fall apart.  I worry I won't be able to bridge the gap, and that the work I've done will be lost.  I worry about looking foolish.  I worry others will see me struggling and that they will feel I don't deserve this belt.  If I could switch back and forth quickly and easily depending on my situation, that would be great.  "Safe" kicks in class.  "Risky" kicks at home.  But that doesn't seem to be the case...at least for me.  Nor am I convinced it would be ideal to do so.  So I either spend my efforts pushing myself...pushing my comfort zone, trusting that I will eventually be able to connect my form with my speed...and accepting that things are going to really suck for a while.  Or I pull back, and re-establish my form, once again, in a slow manner.  But then I'm back to the start.  And so I feel that, thus far, I've been wasting my efforts....getting myself caught in an endless loop without ever really getting anywhere.

And so the advice that accompanied the observation was to just let it fall apart.  And commit to letting it fall apart until my form and speed are able to connect.

I have decided to move forward with this advice.  But it has not been pretty so far.

Saturday afternoon was a disaster.  But I accepted it as it was.  Sunday...also a disaster.  But I continued to throw them anyways, just simply trying to do the best I good in the moment...attempting to make tweaks here and there to see what would happen.  This morning....yup...still a disaster...BUUUUUUUTTT....with a couple good ones mixed in here and there.  Soooo....here's to hoping.

We've been told again and again to expect things to fall apart when we make any type of change.  That it's a normal part of the process.  But it’s one thing to know that everything will fall apart.  It’s another to truly embrace it and let it happen.  

Once again, the four phases to technique mastery are form, speed/power, accuracy, realism.  But those commas in between are proving to be just as significant as the phases themselves.

Not So Decent-ish At The Moment

Why can I not seem to establish consistency with my kicks?

There are days (or weeks) that things are going just fine.  Things feel good.  No major issues.  And I'll really feel as though I'm making some headway.

Then BAM...I suddenly can't do a side-heel without stumbling...a roundhouse without flailing...or a spinning back kick without falling over.  And I've been working on my spinning back kick, specifically, pretty regularly since August 15 (yes, I know the date...lol) and it's been feeling decent-ish.  Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, it all falls apart.  This morning I felt like it was my first ever attempt at one.  Nothing worked.  I was all over the map and couldn't pull myself back.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling frustrated.  But I'm trying to also convince myself that I'm getting there.  That this is part of the process.  That there will be backs and forths, ups and downs, the whole entire journey, forever and ever.

For now I will just stop and breathe and accept that this is where I am right now in the process.  And I'll go at it again tomorrow.  Hopefully I can make it decent-ish again.

I AM Unencumbered

This past weekend was one I really needed.  I spent it dabbling in this or that, without that nagging feeling to hurry up because there are a million other things on my to-do list.

I didn't care.  I ignored that feeling.  I disconnected from my phone.  I did not follow a plan, but instead let my inner voice guide me.

I spent the early chilly mornings sitting outside, warming my hands with my coffee and listening to whatever nature wanted to say.

I canned some salsa with ingredients from either mine, or a friend's garden.

When I was tired, I rested.

I dug in the dirt, moving things around, cleaning things up, getting ready for snow.

I made friends with some very big spiders.  I accidentally destroyed someone's web...I truly hope they are not a vengeful sort.

I did a form here, I did a form there, whichever form happened to speak to me in that moment.

I hummed contently even while organizing and tidying the kitchen.  My children also hum when they are happy and content. As does my mom.

I hand-built some bowls, embedding them with leaves, ivy and flowers from my garden.  

I had special little moments throughout the day with both my pets and my humans.

This is how life should be always.  This is what I am striving for.

I AM Unencumbered...or at least I know I can be.

IHC Number Update - September 7, 2022

My September IHC Update - Year of the Tiger

Year of the Tiger - Feb 1, 2022 to Jan 21, 2023 (354 days)

Base Requirements

✅ Hand Form - Dou Ti  614/1000

✅ Weapon Form - Stick 1 and 2  618/1000

✅ Push-ups  31,523/50,000  60,000

✅ Sit-ups  30,883/50,000  60,000

❌ Sparring  565/1000

✅ Kilometers 1174/1609

✅ Acts of Kindness 637/1000

✅ Blogging/Online Presence

✅ Unexcused Absences

❌ Mastery by Stewart Emery

✅ Mend a Relationship - This has been really good.  My siblings have been reaching out recently to initiate one of our group zoom meet-ups.

➖ Lion Dancing - Instructors call

❌ Tiger Challenge

✅ Public Performances

➖ Core Curriculum - Instructors call

✅ SRKF Projects and Initiatives

Personal Requirements

➖ Learn how to reclaim my pottery clay

⭐ Establish a 15 minute/2km run time

⭐ Box Jumps

✅ Monthly date with Dan

❌ Lion Dance Drumming

➖ Weekend Kung Fu Training with Kids - I need to start making this a priority again.

✅ Chi Development

➖ 3 x 1 Month "Clean Eating Challenge" -  1 more month to go in October

✅ Record Numbers of all known forms.  There is no specific number I'm trying to reach.  My personal requirement is simply to record them.

• Awakening the Dragon = 24
• Broadsword 1-2 = 10
• Da Mu Hsing 1-5 = 48
• Hsieh Chien = 33
• Lao Gar 1-3 = 45
• Long 1 = 23
• Hung 1-2 = 44

❌  I AM Project 14/30 - I didn't do any in August.  Yikes.  So I'm behind a few.