The Terribly Unhelpful Blog

I feel like I'm sort of just coasting.  But truthfully, I can't necessarily decide if that's bad or not.  Does coasting imply mediocrity?  Or is it still steady constant movement forward...just really uneventful?  I think it could potentially be either.  But how do I tell the difference?  I don't know.

I feel like I'm doing the things I'm supposed to be doing.  So I'm not really sure what to change or implement.  And is change even needed?  I'm not so sure whether making changes every time there's a blip in the radar is a help or a hinderance.  Perhaps just pushing forward with trust that clarity will come is best?  I don't know.

More bothersome than the above, I feel disconnected.  But I can't really say why.  I am typically a very connected person, to most everything and everyone around me, as well as to myself.  And so I am very uncomfortable here.  I feel vulnerable here.  How do I reconnect?  Why am I feeling disconnected in the first place?  I don't know.

Where am I?  What am I doing?  Why do I blank when I ask myself these questions?  I honestly don't know.

I was hoping to come full circle with some clarity and understanding, but alas, not today.  This was a terribly unhelpful blog.  My sincerest apologies to the reader.  😬

Still Doable

I’m currently camping.  

The thing about camping is that, even though I’m outdoors, I don’t seem to have any space or privacy or time to myself.  

I’m really learning the benefit of sneaking in small bits of training throughout my day.  A rep of stick here.  A few push-ups there.  So far I’m keeping up with things even though it doesn’t seem like I’m doing all that much.  

I prefer to have a large chunk of time in the mornings dedicated to my training.  But I’m still finding it very doable when my situation is different from bye norm. 

I AM Listening

I was really angry with both of my kids this morning.  Actually, I shouldn't say angry.  I wanted to be angry.  But if I'm honest, I was more hurt by some of their recent actions.  It's probably odd to say that my feelings were hurt by two children, but nonetheless, they were.  And I began my day in sadness.

As I drove to work, I had to slow down to let a young fox cross my path.  He darted out of the adjacent trees, not bothering for a moment to look for danger.  Just went for it, not a care in his mind...solely focused on the adventure in front of him.  

Not a minute later I had to stop altogether as two young deer stared at me curiously from the middle of the road.  They took their time crossing...they did not run...they didn't even walk quickly...it was lollygagging really.  As they approached a fence, they seemed to look at it curiously.  The first literally bounced right over.  I didn't even see him bend his legs at all.  The second followed effortlessly.  True power of the instep right there.  I don't think failure even crossed their minds.  And they were on their way.

Again, a few minutes later, I had the strangest impression that a young robin was racing me. He was right beside me, flying straight and fast along the road.  I swear he winked and laughed with excitement.  And this lasted for several seconds.  Much longer than I would consider a coincidence.  And enough that I finally received the message.

Ok I get it.  My children are young yet.  Their spirits are free....as they should be.  Their minds absent of too much responsibility or the anxiety that often comes with it....as they should be.  Their actions are not intended to harm or hurt.  They are on an adventure, making all kinds of errors in judgment, but still learning, a little at a time, along the way.

I AM listening.

The Game of Strategic Conquest

At last night's IHC class we had the opportunity to practice a demo that we will perform at next week's Stony Plain Downtown Celebration.  Before we began, we were asked to choose what form we wanted to focus on and highlight in the demo.  Meaning our weapon form or our hand form.

I'm a bit opposite to everyone else on the team, in that I have chosen a school weapon form and have developed my own hand form.  Stick 1 and 2 for my weapon form and what I've named Dou Ti, for my hand form (pronounced "Dow Chee"....not "doodie" 😂...although the latter seems to be sticking...thank-you "you know who").  

In that moment, I found myself unable to choose.  On one hand, I've got more experience under my belt with Stick.  So it's more comfortable to me.  A little less intimidating.  A little less risk of messing up.  On the other, there's Dou Ti.  This form really challenges my kicks and has proven difficult, both physically and mentally.  When I go full-on intensity, it takes alot out of me.  And there are still times that I stumble.  Essentially, it's just a really hard form for me.  And I don't want to make a fool of myself.  Stick definitely isn't easy, but it would be the safer choice.

As I stood there humming and hawing...Todai Debbie Bjorkquist turned to me and said "Do your hand form.  I like your hand form."  And with that small push, deep down I realized it was the one I want to showcase.  

Yes it's really challenging for me.  Yes I still have alot of work to do.  Yes it's the scarier of the two to be performing in public.  But it also brings with it alot of pride and excitement.  It's mine.  I've put alot of sweat and tears into bringing it together.  And if I really want to do it justice, I need to just go for it.  And so I will.

"The greater the risk, the greater the reward"...right???

Or wait....is it "the higher the climb the farther the fall".....???

Oh crap.

Mr Stick

Last summer, my neighbour, knowing we do a lot of camping, gave us a very cool walking stick.  My first thought was, “I wanna use that as a weapon.”  And so of course, I tried using it as a staff. 

It did not go well.  

It was big, bulky and very unbalanced compared to my regular stick.  It was clumsy and awkward in my hands and was very difficult to maneuver.  Quite frankly, I didn’t trust myself with it.  And so I set it aside. 

Today, I decided to give it another go.  Surprisingly, it felt much better than what I remembered.  I was able to wield it fairly smoothly and found that I had much more confidence with it. I ran through Stick 1-3 a few times, and it actually started to feel pretty decent.  This exercise was very valuable in that it showed me some of the clear progress that I am making.  A year ago I was clumsy and unable to confidently do anything with this irregular, bulky stick.  Today was very different.  It actually felt good in my hands.

Of course I would probably still be “better” with my regular stick.  This guy will definitely require more strength to wield, simply due to it’s size and weight.  I also have to move a little slower with it, or risk really abusing my shoulder or damaging my foot, but I think once I figure it out, I will be able to speed back up again.  

Overall, I think throwing this guy into the mix will offer some interesting benefits to my training and I can see this really challenging my ability to make a weapon an extension of myself.  

I’m looking forward to getting to know him better. 

And I think he needs a name.

A Lesson

As I mentioned in my share last night, my mindset had taken a hit with the Tiger Challenge being postponed.  In my case, cancelled, since neither tentative date will work due to previous engagements that cannot be changed.  I had some really great momentum happening.  Between learning to spar, learning and practicing a new school form with my team, getting creative with board breaking, developing a fight choreography, working with the kids on their events and watching them get more and more excited...I had all kinds of things that were sending sparks throughout my training, and my life.  Of course I can still continue to work on these things.  But without that goal...that deadline...the spark went out. 

I completely understand why the decision was made and why it was important to do so.  And I appreciate we have leaders willing to make unpopular decisions when needed and I support them fully.  But sometimes rational thought and emotions don't quite line up.  And I can support and agree with something, while still not liking it.  In fact, I would imagine those that made the decision, didn't really like it themselves.

Something I did not share last night is that I have also been feeling some anger and resentment.

Throughout this pandemic, many have given up alot.  We stay home if sick...missing work...missing school.  We've missed visits and events with family.  We've missed beginnings and we've missed good-byes.  To date, Nathan has gotten Covid, as have I.  Each time we were diligent with our isolating, even within our own home.  Some have told me that I went overboard compared to what others were doing.  But in each case we were able to prevent anything spreading beyond our home.  At least that we are aware of.  But isn't that all we are asking of each other?  Be mindful, be aware and use common sense.  Every scenario won't be the same.  It isn't exactly black and white and the risk of Covid may have to take a back seat in some cases.  But too many are just acting with indifference and disregard for anyone beyond themselves.

And so honestly...I've been feeling angry.  And resentful.  I've been angry that we continue missing out because so many refuse to act accordingly.  I'm angry that this continues to drag on.  I'm resentful towards those that continue to make exceptions for themselves...justifying that their wants are necessities.  I'm resentful that while many are doing their very best, others are being flippant.  I know this dynamic has been happening the whole way through.  But everyone has a breaking point....a straw.  And I think missing the Tiger Challenge because of ongoing indifference is mine.  And it really took the wind out of my sails.

Having said all that, I am a Zen practitioner and I do follow the Zen approach to suffering.  A practitioner...not a master.  Lol.  And although I would have gotten there eventually, I am grateful for that reminder in last nights meeting because it got me there just a little bit quicker.  

In addition to meditation, laying my thoughts and feelings out in an organized and coherent way always helps me with awareness and acceptance.  I am aware of what I'm feeling, I acknowledge why these feelings are present and I accept them.  I don't need to ignore them or push them aside.  But I also need to accept that these feelings are mine.  Attempting to blame others for causing them, or projecting them onto others only waters them to grow.  I believe these feelings have served me as much as they will in this instance and, although I know this will sound hokey, I am grateful for the lesson.  I truly feel I have learned a great deal about myself from this small experience and this knowledge will serve me moving forward.

After the meeting last night I reached out to Todai Ward and we will continue working on our fight choreography.  I will continue to focus on sparring and advance by whatever means I can.  I will keep working with my team on our form in whatever capacity will serve them.  I will continue to develop a board break sequence and approach it as a personal side challenge.  And I will keep working with the kids and come up with something creative where they can showcase their efforts, even if it's not in person at the challenge.

I am feeling really good.

I AM Community

My community isn't just one particular place or group.  It's made up of people both near and far.  It's made up of family that I was born to, as well as family that I have chosen.   It's made up of people I've known all my life, and people that I may have just met, or maybe haven't even met at all.  It's constantly changing and growing.

Although many within my community might hold the same values and ideals...that's not always the case.  The true commonality is that all of these people want me to succeed...to be my true self and simply live a life of happiness.  And they are willing to offer their support, however big or small, to help me get there.

Being a part of a community does not mean that I'm unable to succeed on my own.  It doesn't mean I'm incapable or weak.  On any journey I take, I will falter and stumble.  That is a certainty.  Having a community is like having a safety net.  It might mean there will be people on which I can lean.  Or people that can gently turn me back in the right direction.  People to pull me back or push me forward.  Or maybe they will just sit with me until I'm ready to carry on.  They are ready when asked, but are also able to recognize when they are needed, even when I don't, or can't, reach out for help.  They do not compete, nor do they wish my failure to further their success.  They recognize that we can all succeed together.  And the more of us that do, the better for the community as a whole and the larger the community will become.

Although everything above clearly shows the benefits, I truly believe that what solidifies community is my participation within it.  My participation and my engagement are key.  The true value is not only in what I might gain, but more so with what I am willing to give.  

I AM Community.

IHC Number Update - May 5, 2022

My May IHC Update - Approximately 26% into the Year of the Tiger

Year of the Tiger - Feb 1, 2022 to Jan 20, 2023 (353 days)

✅ = achieving/exceeding my numbers or generally on track where numbers don't really apply.  

❌ = behind on my numbers or things aren't going well, where numbers don't apply.

➖ = unsure of progress, the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet, it may take the full year to properly evaluate, or it's something I would need my instructors to determine my success/failure.  I've decided to still list these things here just as a reminder that they are still requirements.

Base Requirements

✅ Hand Form - Dou Ti  269/1000

✅ Weapon Form - Stick 1 and 2  267/1000

✅ Push-ups  13244/50,000

✅ Sit-ups  13470/50,000

❌ Sparring  253/1000 *I'm short here by about 15.  Mostly because I lost motivation this week for sparring.

✅ Kilometers 459/1609

✅ Acts of Kindness 283/1000

✅ Blogging/Online Presence

✅ Unexcused Absences

➖ Mastery by Stewart Emery

➖ Mend a Relationship - I could be doing more here

➖ Lion Dancing - Instructors call

❌ Tiger Challenge - I am not available for either of the new tentative dates

➖ Public Performances

➖ Core Curriculum - Instructors call

✅ SRKF Projects and Initiatives

Personal Requirements

➖ Learn how to reclaim my pottery clay

✅ Establish a 15 minute/2km run time - I'll do another timed run this month to see where I'm at

⭐ Box Jumps

✅ Monthly date with Dan

➖ Lion Dance Drumming

✅ Weekend Kung Fu Training with Kids

✅ Chi Development

➖ 3 x 1 Month "Clean Eating Challenge" - next one will be June.

✅ Record Numbers of all known forms.  There is no specific number I'm trying to reach.  My personal requirement is simply to record them.

• Awakening the Dragon = 0
• Broadsword 1-2 = 8
• Da Mu Hsing 1-5 = 33
• Hsieh Chien = 20
• Lao Gar 1-3 = 25
• Long 1 = 13
• Hung 1-2 = 38

➖  I AM Project 6/30

 

Kung Fu'ing My Kids Part 6 of...

One of my IHC personal requirements is to encourage the kids to practice their Kung Fu at least once a week, outside of their regular class time.  Initially my intent was to work with them at home, but instead I have been taking them to open training with me.

Emma has been really good at self-motivating herself while we are there.  She will sometimes get distracted, but she has many things that she can work on and I've been encouraging her to approach any of the Black Belts or higher queue belts with her questions.

Nathan will often grab an escrima and make up his own form.  Or he'll sometimes kick and punch the heavy bags between many, many mini-breaks.  Other than that, his "go-to" is to coerce Sidai or Todai Bkorkquist into showing him the weapons.  Although there isn't often alot of actual training happening, he's happy to be there and he's engaging on his own.

Slowly, over the last few weeks, I am seeing the benefits of making Saturday open training a regular event.  I am seeing them create some of their own opportunities.  I am seeing them take some control and initiative over their own Kung Fu training.  I am seeing them make personal connections with their instructors and fellow students and slowly find their place.

If I can continue to encourage them with this, I think everything else will fall into place.