I AM Struggling With This

I have to admit.  I am struggling with the I AM project.  I find myself overly focused on this list of words...so much so that my regular blogging is suffering.

Typically I would write whenever I was inspired to do so, and about whatever topic was currently marinating in my mind.  And my journaling would just flow.  Now, however, I find myself trying so hard to incorporate the I AM requirement that I can't seem to maintain my focus.  I will try to take the current topic in my mind and adjust it to suit one of the words....but then suddenly realize that my original thoughts have become completely distorted and even lost altogether.  Or, I will look at the list of words, and try and choose one that I think applies to me....but then I can't seem to come up with anything that supports it.  At first glance these are just a list of words...but then when I actually think on their true meaning, they suddenly seem very big...very significant.  And I can't quite fit them to myself.  I have also tried to just journal, and once done, try to fit one of the words to it, but that never seems to quite line up either.

And to be honest, none of this is really surprising.  I felt an apprehension the moment this requirement was announced.  So much so that it became a topic of discussion during a one-on-one.  I sensed that this was going to throw a wrench into my journaling.  Journaling, to this point, has been my best tool, and probably the single most thing that I feel confident with.  And I feared that adding a requirement to it would change it.  Instead of just journaling, I've become too focused on these words.  This requirement has become a hurdle for me...a hoop.

Having said all that, I do understand and appreciate why this requirement was added.  I can see that many on the team have been able to embrace this requirement and these additional blogs have been really advantageous for many.  And I'm glad that many have been able to use this as it was intended...as a tool.

For the time-being, I am going to step away from the I AM requirement, and just journal as I normally would.  Once I feel like I'm back on track I will re-look at this requirement and figure out a way to incorporate it so that it serves me.  I’m hoping all it will take is a shift in perspective.

Stick Dancing

I had so much fun yesterday morning with my training.  I don’t normally play music when I train.  I’m the type that enjoys the quiet.  It’s also normally very early and I don’t want to wake the rest of the household up.  But yesterday, just as I was about to start Stick, a sweet tune came on.  Without even making the decision on a conscious level, I found myself doing my form to the beat.  And what a blast.  I couldn’t help smile and laugh as I was essentially dancing with my weapon.  At one point it even became a microphone.

Having a weapon in your hand tends to emphasize what you need to work on.  Adding yet another dimension of music can take that even further.  I was able to determine some areas where I am struggling with my phrasing and flow.  I became aware of some areas that feel better going quicker versus slower, and vice versa.  It also really hi-lighted where I am struggling with my transitions.  This sudden attempt to move in a different manner became a really great learning opportunity.

And the song that inspired this learning moment??  “I’ll Take You There”, by The Staple Singers. 😂

I AM Excited

I AM SO excited.  Sorry. But I had to add the SO.  I hope that doesn’t nullify this blog from the I AM project, but regular excitement just didn’t cut it. 

I am typically an excitable person.  I don’t mean that I go crazy over everything.  What I mean is that I am easily able to find excitement in most things. Fun things.  New things.  Scary things.  Crazy things. And this regular type of excitement, for me, is that subtle mix of happiness and eagerness.  Often times I display it more to encourage others to engage and get excited as well. 

But now and again I feel a deep and true excitement about something. An excitement that is purely mine and rises up from somewhere deep in my core.  And I just know that I am really gonna love something.  I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone, but it’s the best explanation I can formulate.  

I felt this recently when I started working with Sifu Jackie Kohut.  It was our first application training session and she had Sifu Nate Kohut toss me over his shoulder to demonstrate an application.  The moment I hit the ground I thought to myself, “Ok yeah. I’m really gonna like this.”  Seriously, who LIKES getting thrown to the ground?  Well, Turns out I do.  Lol.  And every single time Sifu took me down, it felt awesome.  And I was sad to see it end.

ButI felt this same kind of excitement again tonight in class.  

Tonight we did some grappling for the very first time.  Well…my very first time anyways. And that feeling of pure excitement was there. I did NOT want the class to end. I can’t really explain why just yet….but I know I’m going to like grappling.  And I mean REALLY like grappling.  To be clear, I’m not saying I’m gonna be any good at it…but you don’t necessarily have to be good to be excited. 

And I AM excited.

Overthinking...Or Am I?

I have somewhat of a philosophical question rolling around in my mind as of late.

Last week I was waiting in line for lunch.  The line up system was a bit odd and confusing.  This resulted in a lady cutting in line in front of me.  With the spacing requirements she really didn't even see me waiting.  I was fine staying quiet, as I was in no rush.  It made me smile that I had done something nice, and the receiver of that kindness was totally unawares.  It was a "secret" act of kindness, and it seemed kinda fun.

But I slowly felt my tune changing.  Or maybe more questioning the approach.

As I watched this lady in front of me, I noticed that she was being somewhat short with the staff.  She was unsmiling, no "pleases" or "thank-you's", and just generally had a negative demeanor.  And I don't like to admit it, but I felt myself regretting being kind to her.  It felt like my act had been wasted and that she wasn't spreading further kindness, but was, in fact, spreading jerkiness.

And so I found myself asking some questions.

Acts of kindness are supposed to spark further acts of kindness, right?  But if the person on the receiving end is unaware, how can they be influenced to continue spreading that kindness?  How do they benefit from it if they don't know about it?   If this lady had been aware of what had happened, would she have been kinder moving forward?  Would it have changed her mood?  Would she have felt good and had a better day had she known someone had done something nice for her?

On the other hand, if you point out to someone that you just did something kind for them, is it still an act of kindness because you're now seeking recognition? Is the act of kindness for you, or is it for them?

Or maybe the problem was that I let myself become influenced by the result of the act.  Perhaps her subsequent actions are irrelevant and true, selfless, kindness is continuing to be kind, even when the result appears to be negative or someone doesn't react how you were expecting.

I obviously have not reached a conclusive answer to any of this...and I know I'm probably overthinking this one act.  But it did raise some thoughts and questions for me.

I do believe that acts of kindness are never wasted.  I just find myself wondering how they can have the most impact.

What Has Kung Fu Done For Me....So Far? - Orange Belt Version

Part of the black belt promotion ceremony includes a speech from each candidate about what Kung Fu has done for them. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and determination to make it that far as a martial artist, and so these speeches are often both powerful and inspirational.  The unfortunate reality is that many people don't make it to that day.  In fact...most don't make it.  But since I hope to be one that does some day, I thought it may be a valuable exercise to begin reflecting on this now, rather than waiting 10 years.  

And so I’m asking myself today, “what has Kung Fu done for me, so far?”

• There are certainly the more obvious things like an improvement in my fitness level, health and energy.
• I've been given some amazing opportunities such as helping at the kids' classes and working with Sifu Kohut as she prepared for her Black Belt grading.
• I have found myself surrounded by like-minded individuals happy to offer support in anything I am trying to accomplish.
• I've seen huge improvements in patience, empathy and understanding for both others and myself. 
• I find that I can better regulate my emotions and think and react more rationally in stressful situations.
• I’ve seen some tremendous growth in various relationships.
• My opinions, and subsequent actions, tend to lean more towards what I feel is right rather than what I feel is easy.
• I find myself looking for and creating opportunities, rather than waiting for ones to come to me.
• When dealing with conflict, I am better able to determine when it's best to speak and when it's best to listen.
• I find myself more cognizant in recognizing when there are things in my life that are causing me pain or suffering, and I find myself better armed to remove them....or to simply accept them.
• I've learned to listen more to my instinct and intuition.  I've come to find that if I listen within, I can usually find the right answer.
• My work with meditation and my Chi, although in very early stages, has really opened my eyes and mind to some really amazing possibilities.
• I feel like I have a purpose and a sense of belonging to something important.  This feeling has made me feel at peace and happier with who I am and how I live my life.
• I've seen many of these same benefits in my children.  I've also seen many of these improvements in my husband, who does not practice Kung Fu, but who is exposed to it through me.  So Kung Fu isn't only adding these things to my life, but to those around me.

I won't go so far as to say that a person can't experience these things without Kung Fu.  But for me, Kung Fu has been the catalyst that has either amplified or ignited these things in me and in my life.  

I think this may be something important to reflect on regularly, regardless of where I might be on my journey.  I don't doubt for a second that if I were to quit, everything on this list would diminish, or even disappear altogether.  It's definitely not an easy path, and so I expect uncertainty to permeate it's way in now and again.  But I think a regular reminder of the tremendous benefits that come with Kung Fu could be a huge motivator, should I ever find myself doubting this path.  

These are all things that will continue to develop.  And I do realize my perspective on what Kung Fu has done for me will change and evolve all the time…but I'm fairly confident it will always be for the better.

I AM...breathing

Each morning I try to incorporate mindful meditation into my practice.  I don't seek enlightenment.  My main objective is to sit quietly and be still.  I try to be in the present moment and feel gratitude for everything that is my life.  I don't do that enough during the day...when things are cluttered and chaotic...and often difficult to take in and appreciate.  While sitting, I often simply think to myself "I am breathing in"..."I am breathing out", while I follow my breathe through my body.  These simple statements seem to keep me in the moment when my thoughts are trying to pull me out.  It's funny how the simple act of breathing can show me just how fortunate I am to exist.

I AM....breathing.

Dou Ti

A while back I asked the team to submit to me, some of their favourite technique sequences. My plan was to put these sequences together into a team form, of sorts, just for some fun....and quite possibly some laughs. I knew going in that it might end up kinda cool....or potentially hilarious.

This original plan has morphed into something a little different.

As I was working on this, I truly realized that creating a form isn't as simple as stringing techniques together.  There is a lot of work involved with ensuring one technique flows properly into the next and that the movements and transitions make sense for my intent.  If taken even further, and thought is given to making techniques "hidden" (as is the tradition with a form), it becomes even more challenging.  Because of these challenges I’ve been facing with developing this form, I’ve actually found myself looking at our school forms more closely.  I’ve surprised myself by “finding” some of the hidden techniques in these forms and my appreciation has grown for the art in developing a form that manages to combine both flow and intent in such a beautiful way. 

Now I was able to come up with a "draft" version of this prior to the end of the Year of the Ox.  It may have been sufficient for my original intent with this project, but my instinct told me I wasn't done with it, and that I needed to take it further to really get the most out of it.  I could clearly see the value in delving deeper and taking things to the next level.  And so I made the decision to pursue this hand form for the Year of the Tiger. 

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on my perspective at any given moment) delving deeper has meant alot of revamping.  Every time I run through it, I realize that I like "this" or "that" better.  Or I realize that my body wants to move in a different way…or that something isn't quite supporting my intent.  And so I have gone back to the beginning more times than I'd like to admit…just today again, in fact. But I feel this development process, in itself, is going to add so much to my growth as a martial artist.

Having said all that, there was actually another big reason that I decided to use this as my hand form for the Year of the Tiger.  It turns out that many of my teammates LOVE their kicks.  There are a total of 13 kicks throughout this form, many that are very difficult for me…some that I really can’t do well at all.  And I will painfully admit that kicks are my biggest struggle within the physical realm of Kung Fu and I would imagine they might always be. But I realized that I had an opportunity here.  An opportunity that had magically presented itself right where I needed the most help…where I perhaps needed the biggest push. And so as fearful as I am that I may never get these kicks right….that I will likely fall more times than I succeed…that I will never be able to do justice to this form…I decided to seize this opportunity and push myself further than I normally would. 

I mean really…what’s the absolute worst thing that could happen?  Failure?  I don’t know…but that doesn’t really seem all that terrible.

Side note: The title of this blog is Dou Ti, which is what I named this form.  It translates to “Many Kicks”.  Thanks team.   😉😉😂😂

IHC Numbers Update - FINAL Numbers for Year of the Ox - Jan 31, 2022

My FINAL IHC Update for the Year of the Ox

❌ = did not complete

➖ = instructors would need to evaluate

⭐ = successfully completed

Base Requirements

⭐ Hand Form - Da Mu Hsing I-V  1002/1000

⭐ Knife Form - Goju-Shorei Talon  1005/1000

⭐ Push-ups  50,048/50,000

⭐ Sit-ups  50,102/50,000

⭐ Sparring  1001/1000 - My intent for this coming year will be to make my reps more mindful and really improve my skill.

⭐ Kilometers 1891/1609

⭐ Acts of Kindness 1013/1000

⭐ Weekly Blogging  109/50 (note: 50 full weeks in the Year of the Ox)

⭐ Online Presence

⭐ Unexcused Absences

❌ Mastery by Stewart Emery - this is something I need to put more focus on if I actually want to memorize it.  I do understand the concept, however.

⭐ Mend a Relationship - this went better than I had hoped.

➖ Lion Dancing - Instructors call

❌ Tiger Challenge

⭐ Public Performances - public performances were not allowed due to COVID, but I participated in all virtual options offered.

➖ Core Curriculum - Instructors call

⭐ SRKF Projects and Initiatives

Personal Requirements

⭐ Weekly Dharma Talks  54/50

⭐ Pottery

❌ Box Jumps - I'm carrying this forward to the Year of the Tiger

⭐ Learn how to change my car tires

❌ Learn how to change Oil - I don't have this as an official goal for the Year of the Tiger but I do still intend to complete this the next time an opportunity presents itself.

⭐ Indoor Plant - I successfully planted 2 lemon trees from seed and one of the two is thriving.  The other still has that single leaf, but I only think it's not falling off because it's now dried and stiff. 

⭐ Save for Family Getaway - I had a wrench thrown into this, and so I refocused and replaced it with "A LEGO Christmas Tradition", while staying true to the intent of the goal.

⭐ Compliment Dan, Emma and Nathan at least once a day - this tends to happen more naturally now without having to remind myself.

⭐ Children's book