If All Else Fails, Write About Your Friend's Panty Hose

My Grandmother kept a diary from the time she was 20 years old.  She passed away at 87.  So for 67 years she recorded something every single day.  That's, more or less, 24,455 diary entries.  Even during periods of time in the hospital, in her later years, the family would ensure something was written on her behalf.

One of her diaries recently fell into my hands.  I've mentioned previously that I had felt a connection to her through her handwritten cookbooks.  With her diary, this connection feels much greater because I am actually mentioned in many of these entries....my name on paper, in her hand writing.  This particular diary covers 1988-1990...so I was around 9-10 years old and it was really heartwarming to read through it.

I also found myself relating it to our own journaling requirement.

We all struggle at times with our blogs.  We can sometimes feel as though what we've done that day is relatively insignificant and not really worth noting.  That it won't be interesting to anyone else or that it's just not that important.

When these thoughts come to my mind, I will now and forever think of my Grandma's diaries.

Many of her entries included the weather that day.  Some were only a sentence or two, just briefly mentioning that she had gone for a walk, or chatted with someone on the phone.  For some reason these small moments were the ones that stood out to her, and were the ones worth noting.  Maybe not significant to anyone else...but significant to her.  And although each one, on it's own, might seem trivial....added together, they are someone's life...someone's journey.

Her diaries have served as a reminder that there is always something to make note of and to write down.  The significance of the small details may not be apparent right away, but perhaps over the course of a few days, weeks, months...added together, these things might spark some insight.  But if I'm not bothering to write them down, if I'm shrugging them off as irrelevant, they will be lost for sure.  

And even if I never do piece anything together with certain details, it doesn't mean they aren't important.  It just might take 30 years for them to become important to someone else.

*I had to share the following entry because it just made me laugh.

"November 12, 1988 - Charlotte and I picked up Louise and went shopping.  I bought two pairs of slacks, Charlotte bought a blouse and Louise bought two pairs of panty hose."

See?...there is ALWAYS something to write about.  😂

Yes, I Framed It

I am proud to say that I survived my very first Black Belt Fitness Test.  Well, the majority of it anyways.

Unfortunately, I was unable to do anything that would put too much strain on my shoulder.  So I refrained from doing the pushups, chin ups and flex hold.  But otherwise I went for it.  And let's face it...I already know what my number and time would have been for the last two...😆

I'm not going to lie.  By the time we got to the kicks, I wanted to curl up into a ball and take a nap in one of the scarce patches of sun and lick my wounds.  The only thing that kept me going was sheer will (aka stubbornness).

Throughout the testing I was pretty proud of myself.  I had no false notions that I had "aced" anything.  But I thought I did not too shabby.  I recalled doing a "mini" version in class, back when I first started.  If I remember correctly we did the bean bag shuttle (but only the width of the kwoon mats), horse stance hold , pushups, front thrust kicks, lateral jumps...and I think that might have been it.  And I was gassed THAT day!!!  Hahahahahaha.  So this time around, doing so much more, I felt really good by the end and that I had really accomplished something.

Then I sat down to input my scores from the CPRS guide.

Hold on....does lower mean better??...like golf??

Wait what?!...my super awesome 2km run time didn't even score???

Oh my that's alot of zeros....😬

But oddly enough, I did not feel discouraged.

I started to look through each test...picking out the things where I actually scored.  Looking at the ones where I didn't...and started coming up with a game plan.  There's no reason I shouldn't be able to get to a 10 on those situps when the time comes.  I should be able to improve the shuttle run and agility with some effort.  Same for horse stance.  Lots of work to do on my kicks, but that's no surprise, and I'm working at that.  Those, I think, are going to take me a while to really progress, but I trust they will come.  If I actually got back on my box jumps, those lateral jumps should improve.  I 100% intend to score a 10 on that 2km run by the time I am actually ready to test.  That will be a personal goal.  I will continue to work on my pushups, chin ups and flex hold...but I think anything shoulder related might end up being what brings down my average.  So I'm thinking I need to work on maxing out the things I'm a bit better at naturally, and then bring up the others as best I can.

The more I thought about it, the more positive I started to feel.

Sure these scores aren't pretty now....but I can work with them.

And yes, I framed it. 😆

My Magic Running Shoes

The number one thing on the Black Belt Fitness Test that I was NOT looking forward to was the 2km run.  I do not run.  I have never been a runner.  I hate it.  The last time I ran any kind of distance was likely high school in Phys Ed.  (Stop doing the math!!!!!  Let's just agree it was a "few years" ago).   I didn't even own a pair of proper runners prior to this boot camp.  I had to go buy a pair specifically for the day.  And I bought the ones under the sign that said "Running Shoes" assuming, of course, that they'd contain some sort of running magic.

As we gathered for this last test, I really had to psych myself up.  Just one last test and I could go home, lay on my couch and eat bonbons for the rest of the night.  And so I decided my goal would be to run the entire first lap without walking.  If I could do that I would be happy and then I could walk the rest of the way if I wanted.  So I started with a pace I thought I might be able to maintain....(look at me using "runner" strategies like a pro).  When we reached Sifu Y Csillag, I wondered if he would be open to bribery and if he might let me cut across.  But I kept running.  When I reached the second corner, I felt like my running pace was barely faster than a walk so what was the point, right?  But I remembered my goal and kept running.  Rounding the corner, I was again tempted to take a break, but I could see Sifu S Csillag by then and didn't want her to see me stop.  And so I kept going.  Ms Kohut then ran with me for a while, encouraging me as we made progress little by little.  And with her, I kept going.  When we reached the school, Sifu Lindstrom yelled at me so I ran a little faster in fear.

And then the first lap was done.  But I didn't stop as planned.

I decided I could go just a little more.  When I found myself back to Sifu Csillag, who reminded me I was now over half way done, I told myself I'd just go to the corner.  Then just the second corner.  And then just the third.  And then there was Sifu S Csillag again...so close to the end!  There was no way I could stop anymore at this point.  That opportunity had passed.  And so, as I passed Sifu Lindstrom once again (yelling at me to hurry up....and I'm pretty sure I saw a cattle prod in his hand) I felt rejuvenated.  Ms Dyble was in front of me...and so channeling my inner Sifu Lindstrom I yelled "Keep going Ms Dyble!!...or I'm going to catch up to you!"  And she immediately sped up again.  Hmmm.  This yelling thing kinda works.

And then I was done.  I had ran the whole thing.  Maybe the shoes were magic after all.  Or maybe not.

As I reflected on the day, I found myself wondering what would happen if I approached other things in the same way I approached this run.  Instead of reaching a goal and having that be the end, what if I pushed that goal just a little bit further out of reach.  And then when I reached that, I pushed it just a little further again.  How far could I actually go?

And maybe that's where the magic is.  Maybe that's where the mastery is.

I'll keep my shoes just in case though.

Boot Camp Meditation

To date, my meditation practice has always taken place alone.

Group meditation is completely different.  And boot camp was my first experience with it.

The walking meditation was amazing.  I felt so calm.  Except for the brief interruption from the big truck and trailer.  Even then, however, I still felt in the moment.  I remember thinking "Why are you moving so fast?"...but it was a gentle question in my head...more curiosity...not an accusation.  But I would guess he was likely thinking "Why are you guys moving so slow?!?!"....in frustration.  Lol.

As we walked, I found myself really hearing everyone's steps.  Although we all walked at different paces, it almost seemed that we were in sync.  Individually, we each had our own beat, but together we played a song.  At another point in time I heard a woodpecker, and oddly enough (maybe because I was so focused on his sounds?) I was able to look up into the tree and I found him immediately.  No joke!....I looked directly at him right away...way up and through all the brush.  It didn't seem odd to me at the time, but afterwards, I was surprised that I found him at all...never mind having my eyes go right to him.  Although it may have just been a fluke, it was a pleasant experience and I felt a brief connection with him.

On yet another occasion, we were walking towards a culvert.  I recall noticing every little detail of the grass, foliage and shrubs surrounding it.  The colours seemed so vibrant.  Everything so alive.  And as I looked closer, the culvert opening, amidst it all, was so dark and black.  Like a void...and I remember thinking how it was an entrance to a whole different amazing little world that I would never know in this life.

Upon returning, and as we went through the guided meditation, I became much more aware of all the different energies of everyone around me.  Typically, when I sit alone, the only source of energy I feel is myself.  So it's much easier to maintain focus and intent.  When surrounded by so many others, I found myself feeling a bit confused...almost pulled a bit.  So I decided to try something different, since I had so many others practicing with me, and I attempted to draw from the energy of the group.  I sensed it working and flowing into my own, (very cool), but then I suddenly felt like I was maybe taking it without permission and so I stopped.  Instead, I attempted to push (send?) my energy out towards everyone else.  I envisioned it flowing around the circle, available to whomever wanted it.  Or perhaps I should say for whomever needed it.  Whether this was successful or not, I would not know.

The portion on Feelings was the most difficult for me.  There are some things that have been causing me alot of pain lately.  And so I took the opportunity to look at them during this guided meditation.  It was not hard for me to find my feeling of joy.  In fact, I found myself smiling and wanting to laugh out loud.  Not because anything was funny.  Just because I found myself feeling really happy in that moment.  And not for any particular reason.  Again, just because I found myself feeling really happy in that moment.  And for me, smiling and laughter and happiness are often found together.  When we began looking for our pain and sorrow, again, it was not difficult for me to find.  And it hit me pretty deeply all at once and I began to cry.  But a good cry if that makes sense.  Not sobbing in anguish.  Just simple tears of sadness, recognizing that I am hurting.  And it's okay that I'm hurting.  And that I can take care of that hurt.

Describing my meditation is always so difficult.  It's such a personal experience and is often hard to put into words that don't come off as a little "coo-coo".  I tend to wonder if I don't just make these things up in my mind.  I often ask myself why I would be so "special" as to have these kinds of experiences.  But perhaps it's simply that I'm open to the possibility.  And that these experiences and possibilities are there for anyone who wants them.

Pottery Sept 19, 2021

So as indicated in last weeks' blog, "Pottery Sept 12, 2021", I managed to throw 4 viable pieces.

This weeks step was to trim my pieces and add handles.  I did another time-lapse video for funzies (below).  Trimming I'm not new to, but I have never attempted handles before.  I think mostly because I'm scared of making pieces that someone would actually use to drink out of.  And from what I can tell, even masters will experience problems with handles.  So this goal's purpose was essentially to get me out of my comfort zone and take some steps to further my pottery.

I have no idea if these will make it to the bisque firing.  They now need to dry completely for at least a few weeks.  In that time it's likely that the handles may crack.  But we'll see.  I will be ecstatic if 1 of the 4 makes it all the way to the end.  

Pottery is a bit of a process.  And often your efforts are "in the hands of the Gods" so to speak.  There are many steps that a piece needs to survive.  When they do fail, it's often not a failure that you can foresee.  You cannot be a potter if you expect things to always work out.  Having a step-by-step plan will certainly improve your chances, but it will not guarantee it.  Sometimes things just don't work out even if you did all the right things.  But with every failure I will learn.

"You must be able to correct yourself without invalidating or condemning yourself, to accept results and improve upon them." - Stewart Emery

Also, it never hurts to have a sense of humor with your personal efforts.  These are some of the ugliest, most oddly proportioned mugs I have ever seen.  The mitts on the person that would use that first one would have to be huge.  But in the flaws, I see the effort.  

Time to Breathe

Last nights meeting did not go as anticipated.  I was looking forward to it.  I was excited to hear everyone's shares and see how everyone is doing.  I had several things written down that I planned on sharing, none of which I did.  And what I did share, sent me into a very dark space.  It was something I had pushed aside and last night it just all came up.

I realized last night that many emotions have been building up for some time.

I am frustrated.  I am sad.  And I am tired.

I'm tired of hearing about it.  I'm tired of talking about it.  Yet I can't stop.

I want to argue and fight...yet I also just want to stick my head in the sand until it's over.

I want to claim I'm done caring....yet still find myself empathetic.

And if I am feeling this kind of turmoil inside, I'm no help to anyone.

I need to step back and breathe.

Pottery Sept 12, 2021

My personal goal of pottery has been left to the wayside for far too long.  It’s one of those things that always takes a back seat to everything else.  Today I shoved everything aside (don’t worry…I didn’t shove the kids TOO hard) and sat down at my wheel.  And boy have I missed it.

I’ve always felt like pottery has some significant similarities to Kung Fu.  I feel very grounded and centred when I throw.  Or at least that’s the goal.  And there are a lot of moving parts that need to come together just right in order to get the result you want.  Most definitely there is harmony.  

I’m also starting to learn that sometimes you need to just let things be. Try your best…do what you can…but if the results aren’t exactly as you hoped, take a deep breathe and try again another day.  Forcing a specific outcome tends to only guarantee failure.

I’ve included a video link below of a time lapse from today.  Kinda cool seeing it sped up like that.   The blog picture is of the 4 items I made today.  My official goal is a set of 4 matching coffee mugs.  Not quite there yet 🤣🤣🤣. These 4 will be trimmed and get handles next week.  Maybe not the last one…that might be a bowl…lol.   I definitely won’t be able to work any sort of magic that will somehow get them to match.   Lol.  But that wasn’t the point for today.

The point was that I took the time to sit at my wheel.  And I did.

This Moves This...That Moves That

It's truly amazing how our body works.  This moves this....that moves that.  This moves this so that that can move that.  Each part has it's own function, yet they all work together.  Sure it's possible to move just one body part.  For example, you can stand straight and stiff and simply throw a punch straight out.  But we know that throwing a punch like that, without incorporating anything else, does not result in a very good punch.  For any given intentional movement, there are several other supporting movements.  For ideal function, everything needs to work together.

So if we know that we ideally want everything working together to support one specific intent...what happens if we limit one of those supporting movements?  How much impact will that have?

Well, the answer is ALOT.  

I'm struggling right now with a shoulder injury.  I typically have a few ongoing injuries at any given time, but never anything super serious that has really limited me.  It's even often my shoulder.

Currently, however, it's in pretty bad shape.  And it seems to be affecting everything else down the line.  I noticed this morning that because I can't fully extend one arm, my other can't seem to finish what it needs to do either.  Because I can't fully complete the upper body techniques, the lower body movements seem incomplete as well.  I can't seem to fully sink into my stances.  I can't do the opening and closing bow properly and so my start and finish to my forms is pretty pathetic.  My flow is gone.  It's as if everything else is adjusting to suit the injury.  I'm only as good as my weakest link apparently.

As I was writing the above, a thought popped into my head.  Perhaps it's not just the physical injury alone causing the overall problem.  Perhaps the real issue with a more severe injury is that my original intent is no longer pure.  And maybe it simply can't be with the injury.  Although I'm trying to keep my original intent, it has changed anyways.  It is now to avoid further injury, to avoid the pain, and so everything changes to support that intent.

I wonder if that's why injuries can be so frustrating.  We adjust physically, because we have to, while desperately attempting to hold on to our original intent, which may just not be possible under the circumstances.

I'm thinking that in order to train (successfully) with an injury, adjustments will be needed physically, as well as with my intent, in order to find a balance.  Hopefully only temporarily.

IHC Number Update - September 7

 My September IHC Update

✅ = achieving/exceeding my numbers or generally on track where numbers don't really apply.  

❌ = behind on my numbers, things aren't going well or I haven't taken any steps to complete the goal yet.

➖ = unsure of progress, the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet, it may take the full year to properly evaluate, or it's something I would need my instructors to determine my success/failure.  I've decided to still list these things here just as a reminder that they are still requirements.

⭐ = Complete

Base Requirements

✅ Hand Form - Da Mu Hsing I-V  584/1000

✅ Knife Form - Goju-Shorei Talon  585/1000

✅ Push-ups  29,383/50,000

✅ Sit-ups  29,288/50,000

❌ Sparring  578/1000 *I'm just a hair behind on this but should be able to make up the rounds this week.

✅ Kilometers 1134/1609

✅ Acts of Kindness 591/1000

✅ Blogging/Online Presence

✅ Unexcused Absences

❌ Mastery by Stewart Emery *I haven't read this in a couple weeks.  As soon as something is introduced into my regular routine something always tends to fall off the rails.

✅ Mend a Relationship

➖ Lion Dancing

❌ Tiger Challenge

➖ Public Performances

➖ Core Curriculum - Instructors call

✅ SRKF Projects and Initiatives

Personal Requirements

❌ Weekly Dharma Talks - I'm definitely off target on this.  My goal here is to get in an hour of reading or podcasts each week.  I'm behind about 5 hours.  😑

➖ Pottery - I have my kiln wired up now.  Need to get some insulation and concrete board up and I'll be ready for a bisque fire.

❌ Box Jumps - I'm at a complete standstill on this.  My box has become a table again.

⭐ Learn how to change my car tires  - Complete.

➖ Learn how to change Oil  - still waiting for an opportunity.  I did assist in bleeding brakes though!  Not sure I'll ever use that knowledge again. lol

✅ Indoor Plant

✅ Save for Family Getaway - little by little

✅ Compliment Dan, Emma and Nathan at least once a day.

⭐ Children's book - Complete.

Old and New

This is one of those blogs that was difficult to put into words and may be even harder to understand.  I was hesitant to publish this, but decided to in case there are others that feel, or have felt, the same.

I've been struggling a bit internally with whom I can share my journey and to what extent.  

I rarely initiate a conversation about my Kung Fu.  But when asked, I try to be as honest as I can.  Some people will respond with interest or excitement and have even learned from my journey and have made fantastic changes to their own lives.  But most tend to scoff.  They can't comprehend why a person would work so hard at something with minimal benefits...or so it seems to them.  They can only seem to understand Kung Fu as a physical endeavor, and nothing more.  And so my commitment to it and my passion for it almost makes them uncomfortable…and they find it odd or different.  And I start to feel odd or different.  So more and more often I find myself hesitating or offering short answers without much substance.  I choose my words very carefully and tiptoe around anything that feels too personal.

As I progress...as I grow...as I change...the people that seem to understand me, are becoming fewer and fewer.  I will always have a small number of people that will continue to support and encourage me…Dan, my mom…but as non-martial artists, they don’t truly understand this journey.  The people that I can confide in and truly share my experiences with are diminishing, simply because they don’t get it.  I'm becoming more and more selective and am finding myself further and further removed from people I was once close with.  They haven't changed.  I've changed.  I envy those that found Kung Fu early on.  I almost feel like I’m in a place where I’m split in half right now.  Half old, half new.  Half trying to stay the same so I don’t lose connections with family and friends.  Half working hard at mastery, evolving and being better every day…but this means leaving some people behind.  I’m trying to maintain both…blend them…balance them.  But I’m not sure how, or if it’s possible.