Should Be

It’s been over a week now of walking in my boot.  Although initially I needed to take lots of breaks to elevate and ice, things have slowly improved.  This Thursday I will be cleared to start walking on my foot alone.  I’m fairly certain I will experience another “forward” setback when this happens.  I will likely have to move very slow again…testing my strength.  And I’m guessing I will see increased swelling again.  But hopefully this will be the last major reset in my recovery.  From there on in, the trajectory should be both forwards and upwards. Should be.  

Worn Out

I feel a little empty of thoughts on my Kung Fu today.  I’m not totally sure why.  Typically when I have nothing to blog about, it’s because I’m not training.

Now that’s not exactly the case here.  I am training.  But I will admit that it’s been feeling pretty lifeless.  Just the same things from day to day.  It’s been hard trying to keep things fresh.  And I think all the ideas I had at the beginning of this recovery and anything I’ve thought of along the way, have sort of worn out.  

I need to come up with something here.

Shifting Gears

I am a pretty organized person.  Especially when I'm tasked with leading something.  It both helps me to stay on track, reach the goals I've set out and to be able to clearly delegate to others as needed.

So when I teach, I always have a clear plan in advance.  Typically, my plans have worked out and haven't been derailed.  Although we are always warned that we should be ready to pivot when necessary.

Yesterday was probably the first time I had to do that in a significant way.

My original plan was to play a "game" of sorts while also practicing various sequences within the different forms that the kids know.  In order to give the kids a "refresher" before getting into the game, I planned to run through each form quickly, so it would be fresh in their heads for the game.  The first form up was Hseih Chien and it was very clear that we haven't covered that form for a while in class.  Which can definitely happen with the shear amount of content there is.  Realistically, I probably could have carried on with my original plan.  But one of the things that we talk about as instructors is that we recognize and meet the needs of the students, above all else.  So I may have WANTED to do one thing, but they NEEDED me to do another.

And so we spent our time refreshing and cleaning up Hseih Chien.  And when we gathered together again to do it once more as a class, things seemed to be back on track.

In this particular instance, the need was very clear and very obvious.  And it wasn't that hard for me to switch gears.  But I think something I could work more on as an instructor is to watch for the more subtle signs as well. 

A Couple More

Wake-up Call

I've really been struggling with my consistency being at home.  I don't really need to be anywhere at a certain time, so I tend to sleep in to my heart's content.  And then everything gets lost in the day.

I recently looked back on some blogs, and I saw, again and again, that when I lost consistency, it was because I didn't take care of things right in the morning, before the day carries me away.

And today I finally did it!!  I set my alarm for 6:30am, got up when it chimed, and managed to knock off a bunch of my requirements.

Sparring.

Forms reps.

Pushups.

Situps.

And a little bit of meditation.

And wouldn't you know it...my day itself has been running smoothly since.

I AM Both

Oh man what a great day.

I had the opportunity to lead the Young Dragons classes tonight.  It’s been a while.

It felt great to engage and interact with them again in that capacity.  Teaching is such a huge part of being a student.  And especially with my limitations at present, I’m finding that teaching and explaining is helping me gain insight into some of the very things I’m unable to do in a physical capacity.  And so I continue to learn by teaching.

By leading a class, or even a portion, not only am I teaching the students in front of me, but the student within as well.

I AM a teacher

I AM a student

Sidenote: my foot lasted both classes and felt really good!

Being Sensible Isn’t Really My Jam

I bumped my foot today.  I had my boot on, so I’m sure nothing serious happened.  But it was definitely sore for the rest of the day.

I wanted to go to class.  I had my uniform on, kids were fed, everything in order.  I kept telling myself it would be fine.  That it wasn’t serious.  But I also kept remembering what the doctor said about about not pushing and listening to my body.

And so as much as I didn’t want to, I stayed home and elevated and iced.  Fingers crossed it feels better tomorrow.

What's Normal Is Now

"Once I can walk again I can catch up."

"Once I am fully recovered I can start working on this [or that]."

"Once I am back to normal, everything else can get back to normal."

These are statements that I have said to myself many times over the last several weeks.  Until now, they seemed innocent...justified...appropriate even.  But today, I find them offending.  They have a dark spin that I suddenly don't like.  What I once saw as motivational thoughts to get me through, now seem like shackles that have held me back.

Perhaps these statements will ring true.  But perhaps they won't.

What if it takes months or years to "fully recover"?  What if "fully recover" doesn't even exist?  What if "normal" isn't the "normal" any more?

Do I just wait?  Coast until then?  Put certain things aside because I can't do them how I want to do them?

Who we are today is not who we will be tomorrow.  Our bodies, our abilities, our health, our perspectives, our thoughts....they are always changing from day to day.  Sure, they typically are changing very slowly...but sometimes not.  Sometimes our circumstances and our challenges from day to day can change drastically in a split second....and sometimes they won't ever change back.  What was normal yesterday, may not be normal today, and very likely won't be normal tomorrow.

I need to approach every single day like this IS my normal.  Because in this exact moment it really is.

Waiting for things to get back to normal is a wait that will never end.  Finding a way to accept and adapt to the very moment we are living in...and continuing to work towards our goals in those very moments....that is Mastery.

A Forward Setback

Leading up to being able to weight-bare in my boot, I was looking forward to being able to move around more, getting back to forms and jumping back into other physical aspects of my training.

I was wrong.  Things I thought I'd be able to start doing with the boot, will not yet be happening.  I'm excruciatingly slow.  I still do not have any real movement in that leg, except for just stepping forward in a linear fashion.  Turning and pivoting are still a no go.  And obviously in actually using this foot for the first time in 6 weeks and after going through major trauma, there is discomfort and minor pain.  Except for swelling, which I was able to manage, there was no pain or discomfort using the scooter.  Everything I had finally figured out with the scooter, is now obsolete and I now have to figure out how to modify with the boot instead, which brings a completely new set of challenges to work around.

And it dawned on me that this same thing will likely re-occur once I'm cleared to start walking without the boot.

Then when I'm cleared to begin higher impact activities.

Then...

Then...

At each stage, I will have to shift and adapt to my new circumstances.  I think it's finally starting to sink in how many steps, turns, dodges, weaves, jumps and crawls there actually are when recovering from a physical setback.  But at the same time, I also think I'm starting to see that regardless of the type of movement, they are all in a forward direction.

One absolute positive with the boot is that I can integrate better into classes and in teaching.  I might be slower, but I have better access and can better interact with the students.

Even a setback is moving forward.

The Feeling Is Mutual

Yesterday was my first day back at the Tiny Tigers class since May 30.  And when the first words out of Todai Smith’s mouth were “I just missed you so much”…my heart melted a little bit…because the feeling was 100% mutual.  It became a little more obvious to me yesterday just how much my Kung fu is wrapped up in teaching.

Turtle Pace

I am officially walking in my boot! I did not fall over like I expected.  So pretty much nailing it so far.

The boot itself is very awkward.  It makes my right leg 2 inches taller than my left...so there's both a limp and a hobble.  And if you can even believe it, I'm way slower than I was on the scooter.

I can really feel how weak my ankle is.  Likely one of the main reasons that I have to ease into walking with the boot on at all times.  It is providing support for my ankle and also helping to distribute the weight evenly on my foot.  

But even with the limitations of the boot, it's nice to be using this leg again.  I have a feeling that once I get going, the physical progress will increase exponentially.

Home Team

Today is Dan’s 41st birthday.  He is always so supportive of my goals and has never tried to hold me back from something I want to achieve.  He has done everything he can to continue to get both me and the kids to class while I’ve been unable to drive.  And he would never suggest that I miss class for any reason.  

Which is why I did today.

He never demands to be first priority. And that often makes him most deserving of that spot.

Kung Fu is a top priority for me.  But it’s not THE priority.  And let’s face it….I doubt I’d be having much success in any of this without the support I get from my team at home.

Before And After

As per my doctors appointment today, I am cleared to start walking in my boot on a Thursday.  He was very clear that there is to be no “pushing through” and that any pain, no matter how minor, is a sign that I have reached my limit.  

Regardless of his strict instructions, I am looking forward to some physical progress.

Picture is the before and after X-rays.  So cool what modern science can do.