Becoming Better

I really want to be a better teacher.

One of the hardest parts about teaching, for me, is understanding the questions posed, and being able to formulate an accurate and helpful answer right in that moment.

Oftentimes I will come home wishing I had done better in various teaching moments.  Questioning myself and analyzing the interaction to see where I failed and how I could have done better.

I wish I had answered that better.  I should have said [this], not [that].

Did I even understand the question?

Am I confident my answer made sense to the student?

Was my answer even correct?  Thinking about it now, I don't even think I know the right answer.

And these are usually followed by,

I feel like a fraud.

I don't think I'm qualified to be teaching these kids.

And then the anxiety comes and I really start to question my own understanding of everything.

But the way I see it, there are two options.

1. Let myself me pulled into the abyss of "I suck".

Or,

2. Use these opportunities to actually become a better teacher.

If I feel I should have answered something differently, I need to figure out how I could have been more clear and be ready for it the next time.  If I don't feel like I understood the question, perhaps I need to work on my listening.  Or maybe a good strategy would be to invite other instructors present to offer their interpretations as well.  There's a good chance we are all hearing the same question a little differently.  And if I think I might not have answered it correctly, and am questioning my own understanding of the subject, this is probably an excellent opportunity to reach out to my own instructors and work on my own training.  Solidify my own understanding so that I'm more confident.

Every time a student asks a question, I have an opportunity to learn.  And ultimately that will make me a better teacher.

Nailed It

I attempted to make some SRKF ornaments.  I was going for a "snowy" kind of finish.

I think I nailed it....not 🤦‍♀️😭

This reminds me of those cakes people try to make.

HOWEVER, I definitely learned some things with this and have some ideas on what to try next.  My result was not what I wanted, but the effort was not wasted.

IHC Numbers To Date

Pushups = 32492
Situps = 32467
Kwan Dao = 700
Tai Chi Short = 732
Sparring = 657
Km's = 1353
AOKs = 913

Can But Shouldn't

I wasn't really supposed to be lion dancing the other day.  😬

It was recommended that I take a bit of a step back from the things that seem to continue to aggravate my foot.  Yes I want to push on and push through, but I also don't want to impede the healing so much that I actually end up causing long term damage that prevents me from recovering to the fullest degree possible.

Exercises, drills or techniques involving the ball of my foot, or that are full weight bearing on the one foot, or jumping or pivoting, all seem to be the ones that aggravate it in an extreme way.  So even things like cat stance with all the weight on that one side, or open X with the twist and pressure on the ball, impact from kicking, unicorn stepping, etc.  It's okay here and there, I think, to do these things, but when it's rep after rep, I can start to see and feel the swelling.  To the point that it's taking quite a long time to settle down.  The norm has been to aggravate it starting Monday, and not stop until the weekend.  Then, when it starts to feel a little better by Sunday, I start all over.  It was also pointed out that I still seem to be compensating on the outside of my foot (Thank-you Todai Bauer!).  Which would make sense at the initial stages.  Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to put alot of weight on the surgery side when I started walking again.  But over time, this might have become a bit of a habit.  This uneven distribution could also be a contributing factor in not getting that toe to the ground yet and still having balance issues...and maybe even to the continued aggravation.  Who knows.  But having said that, when I try to correct this, I can see that I need to consciously and actively think about distributing that weight properly.  It's going to take thought and practice to correct that to the point it becomes the norm again.  And if I'm "trying to keep up with the Jones'" in class, I immediately fall back to the habit I seem to have formed, because that's how I've become accustomed to doing it. And I don't think that will do me any favours in the long run.

I know that in recovery we want to push ourselves.  If we don't, we will never get to that next level.  But there is something to be said for finding a balance.  Push until you see signs of "distress" so to speak.  So maybe minor swelling, discomfort, soreness.  These are all things to be expected.  But when you hit that, pull back just a bit and see what happens there. Once you can maintain that level without the "distress", or if you see some progress, then start pushing further again.  And so on.

But to be honest, my recovery strategy has been "if I can physically do it, then just do it".  Regardless of whether it causes excessive swelling and discomfort.  Regardless of whether I stop seeing improvement.  Regardless if I feel like I've actually regressed back to the early stages of recovery.  And I do also understand that there will be ups and downs with progress.  But when regression lasts for an extended period of time, I don't think that's a good sign.  I think rather, it's a sign that I'm maybe doing too much too fast.

And so I had decided I was going to minimize impact to my foot for a while and see if I might see that initial progress return.  But then we started unicorn stepping, and to be frank, I feel like an idiot removing myself from the group.  I have a fear that my recovery will end up an excuse to not do certain things.  Or even worse (in my head) that those around me will think it's an excuse.

There will be things I can do, but probably shouldn't.  And I know I need to check my ego at the door and make some smarter choices.  But I am finding this really, really difficult.

Connecting With My Past

I took the kids to see Grandma for Fall Break.

Whenever I make this trip back to my hometown, I'm always hesitant to venture out.  I always fear I will run into someone from high school.  My high school years are not ones I look back on fondly.  I wish I had been better as a young person.  To clarify, I wasn't a terrible person.  I wasn't mean or a bully or anything.  In fact, I can recall one incident where I went face to face with the the "bully" of my time after he sent a girl crying to the bathroom.  Well, not really "face to face"....more like "my face to his chest".  I remember him knocking my books to the ground when I called him out, but I stood my ground.  First and only time I ever made a visit to the principal's office.  So no, I was a "good" kid.  But I certainly lived a life of mediocrity, wasting so much time...and worse yet, wasting so much potential.  Perhaps that's a common thing with most teens.  But today, I can't help but feel somewhat embarrassed by who I was.  And so I always find it awkward to see people from that time.

This trip was different.  This was the first time I've run into some old acquaintances, and not only did I not feel awkward and uncomfortable...but I actually found the interactions pleasant and nostalgic.  

So why is this?  Why the difference?

The only thing I can think of is that I've changed over the last few years.  I'm in a place where I'm confident of not only who I am, but how I got here. I feel good about the life I’m living and, regardless of what choices I made "yesterday", I am trying to make better ones "today". I think I can look at my past now, own the things I did (or didn't do) and not be so hard on myself.  Realistically, it all led me here.  So perhaps that means I did exactly what I was supposed to.  And without that nagging feeling of regret, I also no longer feel the embarrassment.  And I'm pretty certain this growth has happened because of my Kung fu and the I Ho Chuan.

On top of this, this trip would also see me doing a "meet and greet" at my hometown library to showcase my pottery and my book.  I did this for my mom.  And just like running into old acquaintances from high school, I feared who would end up coming.  Or worse, maybe nobody would.  I always felt like an outcast growing up.  My brothers and sisters were in the hockey community.  Which at that time felt like the only community there was.  And I was not a part of that.  And so I always felt like the black sheep.  Like nobody even knew who I was or that I even existed.

Twenty seven people ended up coming.  This might not sound like a lot, but this is a very small town.  Downtown was basically hoppin'.  lol.  Two of the attendees were some very close old friends that I hadn't seen in a a very long time.  I hadn't told anyone about it.  So everyone that came was there by choice.  And every single one was interested in where I was and what I was doing.  During my talk, many people brought up how they remembered me doing this, or that and how my interest in art and creating was evident even then.  Things that I hadn't thought about or remembered for a very long time.  But things that they saw and remembered.  And I felt very connected, both with this group and with my past.  And I found myself repeating words we've heard before.  The fact that I was there, with all of those people in that given moment was a miracle.

This particular trip home was really valuable and I feel changed because of it.