Step Away

The situation with my father has not improved.

I stepped back from everything about a month ago when he turned down, yet another suitable housing option.  Every option seems to have something not quite right with it, as far as he's concerned.  Realistically, he's grasping at anything he can to use as an excuse not to leave where he is...even though he's being asked to go, and will eventually just be kicked out.  

And I couldn't do it anymore.  I had to step away.

But recently, I have found out that he has found an apartment.  Great, right?  Unfortunately, no.

This place checks off absolutely none of his needs.  It boggles my mind that THIS is the one he's going with.  And what's worse is that it is in the absolute worst part of the city.  The highest rates of crime, homelessness, addiction, etc.  It's almost as if he wants to isolate himself from his family altogether.  I've told him I wouldn't feel safe bringing the kids to this area of town and that I'd be hesitant to go there myself.  But that doesn't seem to bother him.

I tell myself I have to be okay with his choices, but I'm not.  And I'm really not sure where this is all going to lead.  He's my dad, and so I feel an obligation as his family to try and stay connected and to help if I can.  But to be very honest, I also feel like he's not even a person I want to be around or be associated with.  And I feel a tremendous amount of guilt thinking these things.  I have to constantly remind myself to practice empathy, kindness and gratitude.  And without that, I would likely have severed ties long ago.

Having said that, and on probably the only positive note in any of this, my sister and I have talked and connected more over the last 3 months than we have in the last 5 years.  It started just about our dad, but has since grown into more.  And for that I am grateful.

Even If I Tried

 "Try surrounding yourself with friends who ask more of you than you do." - Mastery by Stewart Emery

I made it public knowledge at a meeting a couple months back that I needed help with my inside cyclone-spinning/flying/inside/outside cyclone kick in my Spear form.  I'm not much of a "flier", and my tendency is to want to stay close to the ground.

Since then I've been working with Sihing Ward on some strategies to improve it.  

But I've also had several other people reach out to see how it's been going and to offer their own personal experience and struggles, in hopes that it might help me with mine.

For example, Thursday's non-mandatory IHC open training class found me, and 3 other black belts, working on this kick for almost the entire hour.

This isn't something anyone NEEDS to do.  There's no obligation here.  And often-times they are spending precious training time of their own, to help ME improve.

Being a part of this team, I sometimes feel like I couldn't fail even if I tried.  Lol.

15:39

Our coffee time yesterday included a lot of talk about running.  I have never been much of a runner, but I've always been intrigued and a little envious of those that do.  

In September of 2021, at one of our boot camps, we did the Black Belt 2km run.  I clocked in at 17:20.  I was actually really proud of myself that day, because, although the time wasn't awesome, I did not stop and walk at any point.  I pushed myself to keep running, even if it was only at a snails pace.  This led me to including a personal requirement for the next IHC year (2022) to achieve a 2km run in under 15 minutes (yesterday I had mentioned 12 minutes, but I looked back in my blogs and see now that I was mistaken).  Based on my old blogs, I see that I succeeded in that goal and had achieved a personal "best" of 12:11 by the end of the Year of the Tiger.

Then, in June of 2023, I had my foot surgery.  Which obviously kiboshed running for a time.  But in our chat yesterday, when saying it out loud, I realized that, 1) I haven't run since that time, and 2) that has now been 2 years ago.  This nagged at me afterwards because some of the words and phrases that came out while I was talking were like nails on a chalkboard.  

"I should really start running again..."

"I'll get back at it at some point..."

Once coffee time ended, these little phrases jut repeated over and over in my head.  I hated the way they sounded and I thought to myself, "So when?  What's wrong with now?".

So I put on my runners and I went for my first run in over 2 years.

Not only am I proud of myself for finally doing it.  But it wasn't near as terrible as I thought it would be.  Once again, I didn't let myself stop and I ran the whole distance....because I knew I could...and my time wasn't as bad as I imagined either (stats in the pic attached).  

Once I was back, stretching on the grass....I just felt really, really good.

So I challenge the rest of the team.  If there is something within your goals that you keep putting off for this or that....ask yourself "What's wrong with today?  What's wrong with now?"

 It really does feel good.

Coffee Time

Many of you will know about the Sunday morning coffees that we started several weeks back. If you haven't logged in yet, I would really recommend that you do.  This has been a really great way to get to know members of the team on a more personal level.  And when you start to know people beyond just one common thread, that's when you can really make connections and really get engaged.  At least that's what I have found.

I think sometimes, many of us are apprehensive to include too much personal info in our blogs, thinking that it doesn't really apply.  We might even struggle to blog, because we think, "what I've been doing isn't really about Kung Fu" or "nobody cares that I've been working on [this or that] because it's not about my requirements" and so then we don't blog at all.  

These "coffee times" have given us a way to chat without overthinking.  Without any censoring.  We don't try to predetermine if it's relevant.  We don't worry about whether it relates.  We just share.  We listen.  We learn.

And through these chats, what I'm learning is that it really is all relevant.  When you are making an effort to live a life of mastery, like we all are...it applies to all areas...not just our training...and not just in the Kwoon.  We are using these fundamentals and utilizing them in everything we do. 

And if we aren't...if we are only applying our efforts in mastery to our Kung Fu, and only our Kung Fu, and everything else is just in a state of chaos and disrepair....then I think we're probably doing it wrong.