I Can't Breathe

Something I really struggle with in my forms is feeling really gassed by the end.  So a recent focus of mine has been my breathing.  I recognize that I tend to do a hard exhale with every strike.  It's been part of how I really release that energy and maximize my power.  But I also do this with blocks, because I see these as an opportunity to strike as well.  And now that I'm actually dedicating some focus to this, I can that there's a lot of exhaling happening, and not a lot of inhaling.  So it's clear why I feel so gassed.  I'm simply not getting enough oxygen.

I've attempted a few times now to really control my breathing.  Where I'm breathing in.  Where I'm breathing out.  And I've realized I basically don't know how to breathe.

I don't have any answers or solutions here quite yet.  I'm trying a couple of strategies that Sifu Rybak has suggested.  But it's a whole lot trickier than I'd like.  Much of the advice is "don't think about it"....but if I don't think about it, I just do what I was doing.  And that wasn't working.  So I think this is one of those times where I have to think about it....thereby breaking things a bit...and then hopefully I'll piece it back together and not have to think so hard anymore.  

But that's definitely not today.

A Week Gone

This past week was pretty rough for me.  I found myself feeling under the weather on Sunday and as it progressed, I ended up being away all week...both from my own classes and the ones I teach.  Thank goodness I have an awesome team that was able to step in and handle everything with the kids.  Thankyou!!!!

Missing an entire week feels pretty devastating.  I had gotten back on track with my training over the Fall break...and stayed consistent after that.  And then, bam....I'm down and out...with nada to be added to numbers.  Granted, I did manage to maintain most everything non-physical that happens in the background.  I continued to lesson plan, correspond with parents, etc...and finished up planning and organizing for the Kids Night.  Thank goodness I was feeling better by Friday because it was a blast.  So I guess the week wasn't a total loss.  But still...missing that week of physicality feels like I haven't done anything for months.  And it's not a good feeling.

But I'm geared up to get back to class tomorrow!  Even though it will be interesting to see what sort of hit my body has taken with a full week of nada.  Who wants to bet something gets pulled?  😬

Reverse Psychology

I had the opportunity to work with one of the black belts at the seminar yesterday and it sure gave me a lot of insights.  Methods and techniques that had "been fine" with other partners, suddenly were not ideal.

For instance, in one of the first drills, I wasn't planting my foot solidly for the takedown, and so I wasn't able to trip him like planned.  Against other partners, I found I was able to just hook that foot and trip, not truly establishing that solid connection to the ground, without too much trouble.  But against someone bigger and much more advanced in their grounding, I couldn't.  I HAD to get that foot planted.

As we moved through more drills, I found more things like this where I would often cheat a bit, but couldn't with him.  With him I had to make sure that my technique was pure.  And if I wasn't in a position to make it pure, I needed to figure out how to get there.

This was a reminder to me to make sure I am really practicing as true to technique as I can.  I think I sometimes cut corners, because subconsciously I feel I can...or I hold back because I'm looking out for my partners, but at the detriment of the technique.  In real life, I'm only going to get one chance to make it work...and in order to make that natural, I need to practice it that way.  

It was also interesting how we discovered the odd thing where my shorter stature made the technique more difficult for him.  While we worked on that last drill, where one of us was trying to do the duck/project/grab/takedown and the other was trying to withdraw and push them down, we realized it was harder for him to take me down than me for him.  Because he was so much taller, he had to get so low, that it was near impossible for him to keep his head up...which was one of the key points in that technique.  There just didn't seem to be room!  It was also difficult, once he was ducked so low and all scrunched up, to establish his foot behind mine in order to finish that takedown.  Even if I couldn't push him down, I was able to stay on my feet, buying myself time, and eventually I would find myself in a good position to grab him around the neck or some other way to defend.  The longer it took him, the better it was for me.  Eventually he worked it out...but again...it came down to pure technique and very fast movements.  And even though he worked it out, he still felt that taking someone bigger down in that way was much easier than someone smaller.

After class I spent a lot of time analyzing everything and digging deeper.  One of the biggest light bulbs that went off for me was just in my way of thinking and how I tend to think and analyze things based on how they will or won't work for ME.  Everything from my perspective.

I'm shorter, so I shouldn't do [this] against someone bigger.

I'm bigger, so I shouldn't attempt [that] against someone small.

And I carry forward thinking certain techniques aren't applicable and I push those aside as "non-options".   But it's not just about the things I CAN DO that will work against this particular opponent.  It's also about all the things THEY SHOULDN'T DO against me.  And then of course, and how do I get them to do them and turn it into my advantage?

I'm not saying this is an easy thing to do....but this little shift in thinking feels like it opens up a whole other arsenal of options.

A Good Sore

My upper body is killing me today!  Not injured...just sore from use.  Mostly in my triceps and the muscles that connect my shoulder to chest...I'll call them my "shest" muscles for the purpose of this blog....or perhaps "choulder" works better.  Either way, I'm not sure what we did yesterday at the seminar that would have caused it...maybe lots of break falls?  I suppose it could also be from Friday.  I was doing a lot of work on my double articulation in Spear.  Regardless....yowzers.  

This type of soreness makes me feel good though.  It shows me that I am using my muscles in ways that I probably tend to neglect...and that I was pushing myself beyond the norm.  Which is good.

It's actually been my mind that's been in need of a push...but sometimes the body needs to lead the fray.  

I'm really glad I took advantage of Fall Break in the way that I have.  It was an "active" break that I really needed.

A Good Week

This week has been fairly productive.  I made a commitment to gain traction with my mornings and have been successful so far.  By doing so, I have had more motivation to work on my IHC forms again as well.....and have done quite a bit of work on the others as well.  I challenged myself to some of the leg/hip strengthening drills that I use in the kids classes sometimes....and needless to say, I'm pretty sore.  Lol.  But in a good way.

I've also been plugging away during this "free" week at the Zenplanner system, which we will be integrating soon as the means for students to access information.  There have been a few roadblocks...but I've always been the type that enjoys troubleshooting and solving problems....so that's actually been kinda fun.  

By the end of my days, both my mind and body have felt satisfied, for lack of a better word.  So yeah...it's been a good week.

"I Want To Improve" Isn't An Intent

I've been feeling very un-motivated lately.  Specifically with my forms.  My body, and mind, both feel so tired, weak and just off.

For many months I was feeling really great.  Whenever (for the most part) I did my forms I felt strong and confident.  Then suddenly, while training, I would almost feel like I wouldn't even be able to get through the whole thing...would lose balance....rising out of my centre frequently...feeling too weak to hold proper stances...etc, etc.  The more this happened, the more I dreaded working on my forms.

For a while, I pushed through.  I know, from experience, that often I might not WANT to do something (circuit classes for instance) but once I finish, I feel great.  This wasn't happening here.  I would continuously feel even worse at the end.  Like I made no progress and ended up on the other side with even more issues.  And I have been feeling really deflated.  It has gotten to the point that I'm definitely not working on my forms as I should, because I am trying to avoid that feeling.  And if I'm completely honest, I find myself walking into class hoping we aren't doing form work that day...because I don't want anyone to see the disaster that I'm feeling.  This is not like me.  I love forms.  So this all just feels wrong...and honestly makes me a little sad.

After a recent meeting, it was suggested that I've lost my intent.  When our intent is too general, it's no longer pure...it has no directive.  And when asked, I couldn't place my intent anywhere except just doing my forms to improve them.  But improve what exactly?  I'm not sure.  I almost think that I was in a place where I was feeling pretty good with them, and so in saying "I'm just going to work on making them better as a whole"...that was me ACTUALLY just going into more of a maintenance mode.  Too long in maintenance mode...too long with no intent in my practice...and it all becomes dormant.  I think dormancy can eventually knock my trajectory into a downward direction...still forward maybe....but down....which I think it has.

So my first order of business will be to establish that intent.  

Push-Pull-Pull-Push

I'm going to get this down because I want to have a record of it.

Push-pull-push-push-pull-pull.....

Honestly...I wanted to crawl in a hole that class.  It felt like everyone else was "getting it", and I felt lost.

Now, I need to clarify.  I get the push-pull concept.  I understand that my one is pulling back, while the other is launching out.  I understand how the pull actually makes the outgoing strike more powerful.  And when I think about my punch (such as in that type of drill we were focussed on) I tend to focus on the pull in...and that seems to enhance the punch dramatically.  Rather than just thinking "Me throw out fist.  Me punch". 

Where I got lost was when we were asked to ONLY engage the one hand.  The striking hand.  At least that was my understanding of the question.  And so in that regard, when I isolate it, yeah, I'm pushing.

Right from the start, I had a feeling that this wasn't the "right" answer.  But in an effort to remain true and honest...I just answered how it was in the moment and with my interpretation of the context.

When we were challenged to ONLY pull, I eventually started to feel it in that very last bit of rotation in my wrist/fist.  I could feel that pull in the snap.  But I also questioned that because it also felt like I was pulling back a bit, and not releasing.  So I couldn't understand how that could be "right".  In speaking with Sihing Burke later on, she mentioned that she feels the pull in her elbow more.  And I thought that was interesting and I can understand that and relate it to say, a vertical punch.  But still, I can't wrap my head around "pulling" the strike without pulling the strike.

Anyhow, here I am.  Still not too sure about anything.  I intend to let this marinate solo a bit longer before I seek out any help.  I feel like I'm close to something (exactly what I don't know) so don't want to stray from that quite yet because I think I'll lose it if I do.  It might even be something totally off topic...but still...it feels like something is just waiting around the corner on this one.

To finish this up and touch on the other topic of that class...I'm confident admitting that I'm just not there yet.  I'm also confident that I will get there at some point.

1-on-1 - AI recap - Saturday November 1, 2025

*Remember - the AI summaries are not perfect or exact representations of the conversation.

Malinda successfully resolves a database form issue by using different merge fields for discount amounts, which saves Jeff significant troubleshooting time since he had assumed discounts were previously applied when they actually weren't. During board breaking practice, Malinda executes her ridge hand technique effectively by following Jeff's advice to generate spin and follow through, leading to a detailed discussion about board breaking mechanics where Jeff explains how skeletal alignment and energy transfer affect technique success, emphasizing that circular techniques like ridge hands allow greater power range compared to linear knife hands. Jeff addresses Malinda's recent training frustration by explaining that using "improve" as a general intent is ineffective, recommending she focus specifically on health, meditation, or precise technical aspects rather than trying to improve everything simultaneously, and suggests she film her current forms to compare with older videos for perspective on her actual progress.

Next Steps

Malinda: Continue monitoring the discount merge field functionality closely over the next few uses to ensure it works properly

Malinda: Take a video of current form practice to establish a baseline for comparison

Malinda: Define specific and precise intent when practicing forms instead of general improvement goals

Confidence and Nerves

Prior to walking into class last night, I found myself trying to calm some nerves and settle my mind.  And I've decided to dig a little deeper into that.

There are many people that simply ooze confidence.  And I don't mean ego....but confidence.

And I'm curious about a few things.

Do those people still also feel nervous?  If not...did they once and how did they manage to get rid of nerves altogether?  Or if they do, how have they figured out how to suppress/ignore/embrace that nervousness so that it doesn't negatively impact what they are about to do?

I'm not sure I would want to be entirely devoid of nervousness.  Nerves are a clear indicator that I deeply care about what I am doing...that it's important to me.  So suppressing or ignoring or trying to rid myself of them, doesn't seem like the right approach.  My gut tells me that nerves are an important part of progress and accomplishment.

So then how do you embrace the nerves?  How do you make them an integral and welcome part of the process, rather than something uncomfortable that could potentially derail your efforts?  I know for me, if my nerves get out of hand, they even start to manifest physically.  Shakiness, rapid breathing, increased heart rate, the inability to take a deep breath, jumpiness...etc.  And then there is the mental component...the mind taking over and sabotaging what I am capable of.  

Ultimately, I think where nervousness becomes a bad thing is when my mind is focused on the negative impact of failure.  What if this doesn't go well?  What if I fail?  Will people look at me negatively?  Am I expected to do well and what will others think if I don't?  How do I confess to those around me that I wasn't successful?  Will I get another chance?  What if I just keep failing?

I think what I'm settling on is that I am okay with feeling nervous.  But I want it to be positive nerves rather than negative ones.  What if I succeed!  What opportunities will that bring?  How will this propel me forward in my goals and in my journey forward?  

All of this digging has been helpful and I feel that focussing on the positive outcomes of any event is definitely the better choice.  But even as I wrote, I felt like I was still missing something.  

I realize now that, whether my nerves shift to the negative or positive, they both have a common trait.  All of these thoughts are based on the future.  They are based on the outcome of the event that I am nervous about.  And it's all a bunch of "what ifs".  So "what if" I simply shift my thoughts to the moment, rather than the outcome?

What an amazing opportunity.  I am so grateful for this moment.

Hm, I think this might be it.

Happy Plants

Besides having to care for Emma (wisdom teeth removed on Friday), I spent my weekend reconnecting with my indoor plants.  Although I've come a long way over the last few years, my green thumb had definitely become very mediocre.  As with anything....you can't complain that you aren't making progress if you aren't actually doing anything of substance (and no...I'm not just speaking of plants).  So I finally pulled the trigger on many things that I wanted to start trying.

The majority of my plants have now been transferred to clear nursery pots with a more suitable soil mix.  This should help me dramatically with determining watering needs as well as root and general overall plant health.  I have so many different plants with varying needs that I was mostly just guessing with who needed what at any given time.  Once transferred, I just plopped them back into my pretty pots so they still look fabulous.

Many plants have also now been relocated to other areas of my house where I have upgraded some of my spaces to now include grow lights.  Until now I always had everything crowded at my windows.  And I kinda like to look out my windows.  I'm hoping this will be more beneficial for those plants that I just could never seem to find the right lighting for.

I also paid some extra care and attention in cleaning my plants.  Everyone's leaves are nice and shiny now and can hopefully "breathe" a bit better.

Up next is getting a mini humidifier for my different areas and adding some grow lights to my bedroom shelving.  I've never had any plants in there because the lighting is so poor.  But I'd love to wake up to a little bit of nature in the morning..besides Tank breathing in my face waiting for me to wake up and feed him that is.

This was definitely a relationship that needed mending.

1-on-1 AI Recap - Saturday October 18, 2025

*Remember - the AI summaries are not perfect or exact representations of the conversation.

Malinda discusses her daughter's wisdom tooth surgery recovery and shares her concerns about preparing for her personal demo and board breaks for black belt grading. Jeff advises that since Malinda has consistently demonstrated her abilities throughout the year, her demo should focus on addressing any potential doubts the grading board might have rather than trying to prove herself, emphasizing that self-awareness is more important than perfection. Regarding board breaks, Jeff stresses the importance of taking them seriously by announcing them officially rather than hoping for casual opportunities, choosing reliable techniques over flashy ones, and approaching them with confidence since they represent a crucial leadership moment in front of classmates, with Malinda scheduling her official board breaks for Monday with master instructors present.

Next Steps

Malinda: Complete board breaks on Monday with master instructors present

Malinda: Prepare personal demo addressing potential grading board concerns without giving them opportunity to ask for additional demonstrations

Malinda: Practice ridge hand technique with proper hand positioning and wrist angle before attempting board break

Malinda: Set up kick followed by hand technique combination for board breaking sequence

Oct 11

 

AI....or is it A1?

I've been experimenting a bit with ChatGPT for wordsmithing the odd email, text or other blurb.  I decided to do an experiment with my little blog today and had it re-write it a couple times with some different instructions.  I'm not going to specify which is the original, but I am curious to hear what you all think.  There is a lot of chatter surrounding AI and with its use, by students for example.  Is it ok?  Not ok?  Who should use it?  Who shouldn't?  Is this a beneficial tool in today's day and age?  Or is it "cheating"?  

I don't necessarily think it's totally black and white.  A tool is a good thing.  A crutch is not.

What are your thoughts?

Blog Version #1

Yesterday was a bad day. 

Actually...no that's not right.  My whole day wasn't bad....just a 2 hour span of complete chaos.

As I was about to get ready for the Lil Leopards class, I walked past my washing machine and noticed it flashing an error code. I had attempted to wash a small rug.  Bad idea.  It was shredded to bits and clogged up the machine, causing a small flood.  I cleaned it up, cleaned out the clogs (I hope) and eventually got it going again...at which point I dumped all the dirty cleaned up water into the tub.  Which was also suddenly clogged and wouldn't drain.  At about that same time, Tank came into the bathroom whining.  He's not a whiner and so I knew something was wrong.  Upon investigation, I found that he had knocked over the big (and full) garbage can and had helped himself to a variety of old and expired garbage.  At that point, I gave up and sat outside for a little pity party while I waited for Dan to get home.  While I waited, and kept an eye on Tank...who also suddenly started limping.  And that was it for me.  I decided then and there that I wasn't going anywhere.

However, as Dan joined the chaos...and because he had not yet succumbed to the frustration...he forced me to get into my uniform and get to class.  Even though my mind was so full I couldn't recognize it, he knew that I needed to go to clear my mind and come back fresh and ready to tackle whatever needed tackling.

And I'm so glad I did.

Blog Version #2

Yesterday wasn’t entirely a bad day—though for about two hours, it certainly felt like chaos had taken over.

Just as I was about to get ready for the Lil Leopards class, I noticed my washing machine flashing an error code. The culprit? A small rug I had attempted to wash. It had shredded into pieces, clogging the machine and creating a minor flood. After mopping up the mess and clearing out what I hoped were all the blockages, I managed to get it running again—only to dump the dirty water into the tub, which promptly decided it wouldn’t drain.

At that very moment, Tank padded into the bathroom whining. He’s not one to complain, so I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, he had knocked over the large (and full) garbage can and helped himself to a buffet of expired scraps. That was the breaking point. I stepped outside for a much-needed pity party while keeping a weary eye on Tank—who, just to add to the drama, began limping. That was it. I decided I wasn’t going anywhere.

But when Dan came home and stepped into the madness—still calm, still clear-headed—he refused to let me give in to it. He handed me my uniform and insisted I get to class. I resisted, but he knew what I needed before I did: a reset, a chance to breathe, move, and come back with a fresh mind.

And he was right. I’m so glad I went.

Blog Version #3

Yesterday wasn’t a terrible day… though for about two hours, my life turned into a sitcom that no one asked to watch.

Just as I was about to get ready for the Lil Leopards class, I walked past the washing machine and saw it flashing an error code—never a good sign. Turns out, my bright idea of washing a small rug was not so bright. It shredded itself into oblivion, clogged the machine, and created a minor indoor water feature. After some creative mopping and a battle with the filter, I got it running again. Victory was short-lived, though, because I dumped the dirty water into the bathtub… which immediately decided to quit draining, too.

Enter Tank. Normally stoic, he came into the bathroom whining. Red flag. Sure enough, he had tipped over the big, full garbage can and treated himself to a buffet of expired “goodies”. And that was my breaking point. I staged a solo pity party outside while supervising Tank, who, because the universe has a sense of humor, then started limping. At that moment, I officially tapped out. I wasn’t going anywhere.

Cue Dan’s entrance. He walked into the chaos like a man untouched by frustration, handed me my uniform, and all but shoved me out the door to class. I resisted, of course—because sulking felt safer—but he was right. My brain desperately needed a reboot.

And thank goodness I listened, because after class I came back calmer, clearer, and way more ready to face clogged drains, guilty dogs, and whatever else the universe throws at me.

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