Confidence and Nerves

Prior to walking into class last night, I found myself trying to calm some nerves and settle my mind.  And I've decided to dig a little deeper into that.

There are many people that simply ooze confidence.  And I don't mean ego....but confidence.

And I'm curious about a few things.

Do those people still also feel nervous?  If not...did they once and how did they manage to get rid of nerves altogether?  Or if they do, how have they figured out how to suppress/ignore/embrace that nervousness so that it doesn't negatively impact what they are about to do?

I'm not sure I would want to be entirely devoid of nervousness.  Nerves are a clear indicator that I deeply care about what I am doing...that it's important to me.  So suppressing or ignoring or trying to rid myself of them, doesn't seem like the right approach.  My gut tells me that nerves are an important part of progress and accomplishment.

So then how do you embrace the nerves?  How do you make them an integral and welcome part of the process, rather than something uncomfortable that could potentially derail your efforts?  I know for me, if my nerves get out of hand, they even start to manifest physically.  Shakiness, rapid breathing, increased heart rate, the inability to take a deep breath, jumpiness...etc.  And then there is the mental component...the mind taking over and sabotaging what I am capable of.  

Ultimately, I think where nervousness becomes a bad thing is when my mind is focused on the negative impact of failure.  What if this doesn't go well?  What if I fail?  Will people look at me negatively?  Am I expected to do well and what will others think if I don't?  How do I confess to those around me that I wasn't successful?  Will I get another chance?  What if I just keep failing?

I think what I'm settling on is that I am okay with feeling nervous.  But I want it to be positive nerves rather than negative ones.  What if I succeed!  What opportunities will that bring?  How will this propel me forward in my goals and in my journey forward?  

All of this digging has been helpful and I feel that focussing on the positive outcomes of any event is definitely the better choice.  But even as I wrote, I felt like I was still missing something.  

I realize now that, whether my nerves shift to the negative or positive, they both have a common trait.  All of these thoughts are based on the future.  They are based on the outcome of the event that I am nervous about.  And it's all a bunch of "what ifs".  So "what if" I simply shift my thoughts to the moment, rather than the outcome?

What an amazing opportunity.  I am so grateful for this moment.

Hm, I think this might be it.

Happy Plants

Besides having to care for Emma (wisdom teeth removed on Friday), I spent my weekend reconnecting with my indoor plants.  Although I've come a long way over the last few years, my green thumb had definitely become very mediocre.  As with anything....you can't complain that you aren't making progress if you aren't actually doing anything of substance (and no...I'm not just speaking of plants).  So I finally pulled the trigger on many things that I wanted to start trying.

The majority of my plants have now been transferred to clear nursery pots with a more suitable soil mix.  This should help me dramatically with determining watering needs as well as root and general overall plant health.  I have so many different plants with varying needs that I was mostly just guessing with who needed what at any given time.  Once transferred, I just plopped them back into my pretty pots so they still look fabulous.

Many plants have also now been relocated to other areas of my house where I have upgraded some of my spaces to now include grow lights.  Until now I always had everything crowded at my windows.  And I kinda like to look out my windows.  I'm hoping this will be more beneficial for those plants that I just could never seem to find the right lighting for.

I also paid some extra care and attention in cleaning my plants.  Everyone's leaves are nice and shiny now and can hopefully "breathe" a bit better.

Up next is getting a mini humidifier for my different areas and adding some grow lights to my bedroom shelving.  I've never had any plants in there because the lighting is so poor.  But I'd love to wake up to a little bit of nature in the morning..besides Tank breathing in my face waiting for me to wake up and feed him that is.

This was definitely a relationship that needed mending.

Oct 11

 

AI....or is it A1?

I've been experimenting a bit with ChatGPT for wordsmithing the odd email, text or other blurb.  I decided to do an experiment with my little blog today and had it re-write it a couple times with some different instructions.  I'm not going to specify which is the original, but I am curious to hear what you all think.  There is a lot of chatter surrounding AI and with its use, by students for example.  Is it ok?  Not ok?  Who should use it?  Who shouldn't?  Is this a beneficial tool in today's day and age?  Or is it "cheating"?  

I don't necessarily think it's totally black and white.  A tool is a good thing.  A crutch is not.

What are your thoughts?

Blog Version #1

Yesterday was a bad day. 

Actually...no that's not right.  My whole day wasn't bad....just a 2 hour span of complete chaos.

As I was about to get ready for the Lil Leopards class, I walked past my washing machine and noticed it flashing an error code. I had attempted to wash a small rug.  Bad idea.  It was shredded to bits and clogged up the machine, causing a small flood.  I cleaned it up, cleaned out the clogs (I hope) and eventually got it going again...at which point I dumped all the dirty cleaned up water into the tub.  Which was also suddenly clogged and wouldn't drain.  At about that same time, Tank came into the bathroom whining.  He's not a whiner and so I knew something was wrong.  Upon investigation, I found that he had knocked over the big (and full) garbage can and had helped himself to a variety of old and expired garbage.  At that point, I gave up and sat outside for a little pity party while I waited for Dan to get home.  While I waited, and kept an eye on Tank...who also suddenly started limping.  And that was it for me.  I decided then and there that I wasn't going anywhere.

However, as Dan joined the chaos...and because he had not yet succumbed to the frustration...he forced me to get into my uniform and get to class.  Even though my mind was so full I couldn't recognize it, he knew that I needed to go to clear my mind and come back fresh and ready to tackle whatever needed tackling.

And I'm so glad I did.

Blog Version #2

Yesterday wasn’t entirely a bad day—though for about two hours, it certainly felt like chaos had taken over.

Just as I was about to get ready for the Lil Leopards class, I noticed my washing machine flashing an error code. The culprit? A small rug I had attempted to wash. It had shredded into pieces, clogging the machine and creating a minor flood. After mopping up the mess and clearing out what I hoped were all the blockages, I managed to get it running again—only to dump the dirty water into the tub, which promptly decided it wouldn’t drain.

At that very moment, Tank padded into the bathroom whining. He’s not one to complain, so I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, he had knocked over the large (and full) garbage can and helped himself to a buffet of expired scraps. That was the breaking point. I stepped outside for a much-needed pity party while keeping a weary eye on Tank—who, just to add to the drama, began limping. That was it. I decided I wasn’t going anywhere.

But when Dan came home and stepped into the madness—still calm, still clear-headed—he refused to let me give in to it. He handed me my uniform and insisted I get to class. I resisted, but he knew what I needed before I did: a reset, a chance to breathe, move, and come back with a fresh mind.

And he was right. I’m so glad I went.

Blog Version #3

Yesterday wasn’t a terrible day… though for about two hours, my life turned into a sitcom that no one asked to watch.

Just as I was about to get ready for the Lil Leopards class, I walked past the washing machine and saw it flashing an error code—never a good sign. Turns out, my bright idea of washing a small rug was not so bright. It shredded itself into oblivion, clogged the machine, and created a minor indoor water feature. After some creative mopping and a battle with the filter, I got it running again. Victory was short-lived, though, because I dumped the dirty water into the bathtub… which immediately decided to quit draining, too.

Enter Tank. Normally stoic, he came into the bathroom whining. Red flag. Sure enough, he had tipped over the big, full garbage can and treated himself to a buffet of expired “goodies”. And that was my breaking point. I staged a solo pity party outside while supervising Tank, who, because the universe has a sense of humor, then started limping. At that moment, I officially tapped out. I wasn’t going anywhere.

Cue Dan’s entrance. He walked into the chaos like a man untouched by frustration, handed me my uniform, and all but shoved me out the door to class. I resisted, of course—because sulking felt safer—but he was right. My brain desperately needed a reboot.

And thank goodness I listened, because after class I came back calmer, clearer, and way more ready to face clogged drains, guilty dogs, and whatever else the universe throws at me.

---

The Rest Is Above My Pay Grade

A common theme amongst many blogs recently has been focusing on transitions in our forms, and how we maintain our skeletal alignment during these transitions in order to maximize the efficacy of the intended technique.

During this focus, we've been challenged to play around with different things and experiment...to tweak things here and there to see what feels good to us.

Now I initially wrote "see what works"...but that wasn't quite right.  That would imply that other methods, or other variants....or even the original intention of the form...DON'T WORK and might be wrong for me.  But I don't think that's the right approach.

What feels good (or better) is a very personal thing.  And it may only feel right because it happens to be the easiest way when I'm first starting out.  So although I really do like playing around with different things and experimenting...there is infinite value in that...but I definitely caution myself in making "what feels right" into an absolute.  

Our forms were designed and developed by others before us.  Others much more talented and insightful than I, that's for sure.  And so I am not only challenging myself to experiment with adjustments that might feel better...but I also challenge myself to stay true to the form and try and figure out why the creator thought THAT way was better.  Sure it feels better if I take a step with that open X at the end of LG3 (as a specific example of what I'm getting at).  But the form itself does not have a defined step.  So how do I get that same feeling of strength and power without it?  

Really this is all just a progression in how to challenge myself and not just sit in an absolute answer because it feels good in the moment.

First, make some tweaks as needed to get the intended technique to work and feel right.  Good...now I have an idea of what it should feel like.

Now go back, and take those changes away, and STILL try to get the intended technique to work and feel right.

What challenge comes after that, I'm not sure.  That's above my "pay grade" at the moment.  

Learning Is A Skill

I enrolled in a pottery class at the Parkland Potters Guild in Stony Plain.  I've taken classes with them before but it's been several years.  I decided to do it to hone my skills and hopefully learn some new things to add to my repertoire.  I don't really have a "mentor" in pottery and it's nice to be able to have that sometimes.

This is a Beginner/Intermediate class and it's about 50/50 for people with experience and the total newbies.  I would venture a guess that I am the most experienced potter in the class, yet I have noticed a few things.

I seem to be the only one that consistently watches and engages in the demonstrations.  The other students tend to continue on with whatever they are working on...only paying the slightest attention to the instructor and lesson content.  I get that they want to get their hands dirty...the class is only so long...but they are missing a lot of really important information.  

I also seem to be the only one that attempts to do the "assignments" in the way that the instructor has laid it out.  Sure I could continue to do these things my own way, but I feel that sort of defeats the purpose of taking the class.  The point of this is to expand my knowledge and learn some new techniques and skills.  Again, I see the other experienced students missing out on some valuable lessons.

I am also finding that I am seeing a lot of details that others aren't catching.  My eye for detail is definitely advanced and I've been catching the smallest of things that are making really big differences in my throwing technique.

No I am not here to just toot my own horn and to tell you how great I'm doing.  Lol.  What I'm saying is that, even though I'm probably the most experienced in the class, I'm also the one most engaged as a student.  I know the instructors have a lot of knowledge to offer me, and my mind, and heart, are open and receptive to learning.  Learning is a skill and I can definitely attribute my level of this skill to my Kung Fu training.

Sept 13, 2025

 

Pointing Fingers

Confidence is something we all lack at times.  

Where I lack confidence the most is in conflict.  I always do my best to be clear in my communications...both in personal or professional situations.  I am direct.  Consistent. And concise.  I do everything I can to lay out all the details and check off all the points when relaying information to someone.

So when a person comes back to me after a time...pointing a finger...laying blame on me for an issue they are experiencing, I take it to heart.  I lose sleep.

If I was in error, I do not struggle with saying so.  But if I know I did my due diligence, I want to be able to approach that conflict with confidence so that I don't end up absorbing that misdirected anger and frustration.

What I do, instead, is second guess myself.  Could I have explained things better?  Should I have double-checked?  Should I have sent reminders?  What other tools or resources can I create so this doesn't happen again?  Maybe they are right...maybe I should have known what they meant....or been able to foresee their intentions.

Having said that, I don't know if I could ever eradicate this altogether.  I think there will always be people that misdirect their anger and frustration over things they could have controlled.  People that will always hold others accountable for the challenges they face, but never themselves.

Construction Zone

Kwoon week has been quite productive. Although sometimes it's hard to tell when you're in the thick of it.  

I find that while working on a renovation project...one which requires a lot of that "behind the scenes" work (ie. design and planning, coordination, drywall, taping, mudding...and all the other things that sit hidden behind the final product that everyone else sees)...it takes a while before you feel like you're actually accomplishing something.  When there are still loads of materials piled around you...or tools and supplies scattered about...it can feel a bit overwhelming and as though you're not really making any progress.  In fact, it can feel like you're digging yourself further and further into a job that you maybe didn't think was going to be so complex or take so long.

But then suddenly, things will turn...and you'll start to be able to envision the final result.

This is a lot like our Kung Fu.  There are times when it feels like we are putting so much time and effort in, yet we aren't seeing the results we'd like.  We continue to work, yet we are having difficulty envisioning what the final outcome will be.  It can be hard to remember that it's all the "ugly" stuff behind the paint that gives the work integrity.  And maybe we even start second guessing whether we are doing the right things, or making the right decisions along the way.  We look around and all we see is unfinished bits and pieces, tools, supplies, dust and garbage everywhere.  Maybe we even have to do something over again because it didn't quite turn out the first time.  And everything is a bit of a disaster zone really.  But eventually, we get to a point where we can start putting things away, little by little.  Drywall is up...we won't need those cutoffs anymore...let's get rid of those.  Done sanding...let's vacuum up that dust.  Priming complete...let's get rid of those cans.

And eventually, little by little, the whole space starts coming together bit by bit.  

The hardest part, I find, is to simply trust the process.

Clutter

We've taken advantage of having my in-laws here and have been accomplishing some projects around the house.  Much of it has involved organization, getting rid of old junk and downsizing.  What a difference an organized space make with my mindset.  When my house gets cluttered, I always feel a certain amount of anxiety.  Once it's clean is when I can relax and focus on more pleasurable things.

What I haven't been able to figure out is the chicken or the egg.

Does my mind become cluttered because of my cluttered space?

Or does my space become cluttered because of my cluttered mind?

Aug 16 Numbers

Apologies team.  I've been running ragged since my in-laws arrived.  But here are some numbers.

Camping

We are just out camping this weekend.  It's been really nice spending some much needed time slowing down and breathing in nature.  

I do find it a bit difficult to do my forms just out and about in front of people.  But I did manage to go for a run two days and got my pushups and sit-ups in.  

I did the basic 2km runs.  My times were not awesome...but in my defence there were a lot of hills and more rugged terrain.  But I still was able to do them without stopping....and that I am proud of.

Whatever Comes Out

My mind seems to be a bit all over the place here today.  So after sitting here for much too long, I decided to just set my timer for 5 minutes and see what came out.

I'm working on a lot of different things at the moment.

I've re-broken my kick in Spear.  I had been focussing on getting height between the two kicks.  And I was making some progress.  But after some further discussion on it, I realized (with some assistance) that height shouldn't be my intent.  What's important in that sequence is the first kick and the last.  Nobody is going to care how high I get if my final kick doesn't do what it's supposed to.  Once I get the kicks nailed down, then I can gradually increase height, if it makes sense to do so.  In the initial stages of this change, my timing is a definitely off, as are my vectors.  But I'll get there.  And once I do, I'll start working on something else and break it again.

I continue to work on DMH 5 as a main focus....

Ooop!!  Timer just went off.  I'll set it for another 5.

DMH 5.  We were asked in class this past week what our main "issue" would be in our forms.  What comes to mind for me is my eyes...maybe better described as my mental gaze (not sure that makes sense or quite covers what I mean...lol).  I tend to look inward, more than outward, making many of my forms quite internal, so to speak.  In some places this is fine...ideal even.  But for DMH specifically, this is predominately an external form.  As I work on this, I am finding it sort of like meditating.  I'll start off with my eyes outward, locked on an opponent.  Then suddenly, in the middle of the form, I realize I've come back inside, and I have to shift them back out.  Actually wait....now that I think about it, it's pretty much the complete OPPOSITE of meditation.  When I meditate, my intent is to keep my focus within.....and often I'll find my mind wandering out.  But with my forms I, my intent...

5 minutes went off again!!!  Ok.  Just 5 more...

...my intent should be outward on an opponent but it keeps drifting back in!  Hm.  Isn't that interesting.  Lol.  Another thing I'm noticing as I try to "gaze beyond my bubble", is that when I do so, I will sometimes find my body following.  What I mean by that is that I will sometimes feel a shift out of my centre ....almost reaching along with my focus....and even losing stability and balance.  This is also really interesting.  My mental gaze seems to be very connected to my centre.  Hm.  The words "mental energy" and "physical energy" just popped into my head.  Anyways, I feel that I am experiencing some sort of disconnection here and will continue to explore.  Maybe it's just gonna take some practice to be able to send my focus outward further and further.  Kinda like stretching to increase flexibility...but for my mind.

Times up!!  And no reset this time.  😊