Cheater!

There was a reason I chose the forms I did at for the Year of the Snake.  But as I was watching others start to create their own forms, I started to think that I had "cheated" by choosing a form I only had to learn, rather than create.

I am now of a different opinion.  At the start of the year, there is only an illusion that learning an already developed form is "easier".  This illusion comes from the fact that you just need to learn a sequence, where someone creating a form needs to start right from ground zero.  But this also means that when learning an already developed form you need to stay true to that form, and can’t change it to suit your own needs or purpose.  Often, when developing our own, we incorporate the things we are already good at and that feel good.  Or we will make changes to suit ourselves if we think something is too hard or just isn’t working. With another’s form, you can’t do that.  You need to continue to work at it, regardless of whether you like a particular piece. You need to push yourself beyond those arbitrary limits that might surface unconsciously when making our own forms.  

I’m not saying there aren’t advantages and benefits to both methods.  Just that I no longer think it was “cheating”. lol

Mentors

One of my personal requirements this year is to learn how to play the ukulele.  I've been practicing regularly and have been using an app that guides me through different lessons.  I've also watched various videos, trying to pick up what I can but also made a point of asking a friend to mentor me in this.  

There really isn't a substitute for a mentor.  All the YouTube videos in the world, can't replace someone sitting in front of me answering my dumb little questions or pointing out the tiny little details that tend to make all the difference.  Being able to talk about the challenges I'm facing and having someone assure me that they went through the same things.

It's the same with my Kung Fu.  There is huge advantage to all of the practicing and exploring I do solo.  But having a mentor to touch base with now and again seems to act as a grounding tool.  A means to refocus and determine a course of action based on all the self discovery that's been made.

For the last couple years, when setting my requirements, I've made a point of ensuring that I have someone to mentor me in that goal.  And as I look back, most of the goals that I either failed or didn't do well at were the ones that I did not have someone mentoring me.

I can't decide if that's really interesting or just really obvious.

Bubbled Up

This isn't the happiest of blogs.  And might be a little heavy for some.  Just as a forewarning.

I've been dealing with some extra pressures over the last couple of weeks.

My dad and I have always had a difficult relationship.  He has struggled all his life with addiction and has really not taken care of himself.  He and I have gone through some very rocky times and I've worked hard over the last few years to simply accept who he is and try to be grateful for the relationship we do have, as sad and one-sided as it might be.

Having said that, every few years, due to continuous poor decisions, no effort to plan, a lack of care for anyone else around him, and extreme procrastination, he will find himself on the verge of rock bottom.  He continues to age (80), his health continues to deteriorate and he is now totally blind in one eye and near blind in the other.  And he is now a few weeks away from not having anywhere to live.  And none of this is a surprise.  Everything that's happening right now are things we have tried to get him to plan for over the last 10 years when his eyesight first began to fail.

In an effort to ensure he doesn't end up homeless, or worse, I have been spending a lot of my time trying to research alternative living arrangements. Somewhere he can maintain some independence, but also get the help he needs due to his failing eyesight.  I've contacted countless organizations to figure out what sorts of resources are available to him.  Things like CNIB (institute for the blind) and such and getting the ball rolling there, as well as CPAS (Client Patient Access Services in Saskatchewan).  Although it's not even certain he will agree to participate in these things.  His financial resources are also very limited and I've been trying to get a handle on his income to see what other financial assistance he might be able to get.  One thing after another to make sure he ends up somewhere safe and that he can live comfortably and with some happiness.  I've also spent my time and energy organizing my other siblings, as well as trying to keep them all focused on the task at hand...although they mostly are just frustrated and want to vent (understandably) because once again, we are cleaning up a giant mess he's made.

Some might just say..."let him deal with it himself...it's his problem".  And I've said that myself at times....but have never been able to follow through.  He's my dad.  And regardless of the fact that he's never shown care for me, I do care for him.  And so here I am.

As much as this has weighed on me, I've been using my Kung Fu to its fullest potential.  When I've stepped on the mats, I've left it behind.  When I've felt myself get frustrated with his resistance and poor judgement, I've breathed and responded with kindness and empathy.  I've been putting everything I know, all of my knowledge, to work so that I can continue to communicate with him respectively and with sensitivity so that we can hopefully find a solution.  

And until today I thought I was doing okay.

Today I participated in the Sil Lum Seminar.  And the moment I took that first big breath in for our final section of meditation, it was like everything just bubbled up. Everything I've been doing has been about him, to help him, to alleviate his hurt and suffering. Today was the first moment in all of this that I have taken a moment to look internally.  And everything that I have been instinctually feeling...everything that has been getting pushed down further and further...finally had the chance to come out.  Frustration...sadness...and truthfully, a lot of anger.  I am so incredibly angry at him.  He's never been the parent...always the child...even when I, myself, was literally a child.  Until today, I truly didn't realize how angry I was.  

I am thankful that I was online, to be honest.  It wasn't a pretty moment....but it was obviously much needed.

This whole situation still has a long way to go.  And I really don't know how it will turn out.  But I do know, now, that I need to take extra care to have these moments for myself if I have any hope of getting through it without bringing that anger with me.

Mental Space

My day got away from me.  

I’ve been dealing with some family things over the last few days and it’s taken up a lot of my mental space. (Nothing with Dan and the kids!  For those of you that might worry).

But here are my numbers to date.  I’ve fallen behind a little on my spear form but I intend to make those up here this week.  I need to get a bit of sparring in as well.